Awkward Amputee Problems (Part 1)

Knowing and loving the sense of humor in the disabled community I think you may appreciate some of these.  While my list is by no means a collective and finalized list of amputee problems; either you will relate to them, understand them, or add your own in the comments below.  There is a part two and will be part three (for prosthetic users!) added to this series.  I want to include my prosthetic-wearing amputee audience in the fun as well!

AWKWARD AMPUTEE PROBLEMS (Part 1)…by Ashly Ash

THROWING AWAY YOUR OPPOSITE SHOE

Yes, I really do this.  I keep seeking an amputee that has her RIGHT foot and is an 8.5 -9 shoe size (hint, hint) but I keep finding girls that are a 7.  So often I either send them anyway in hopes they don’t mind the extra toe space, or I trash them!  I hear that NIKE has a great program for amputees, but get real, who the heck wears sneakers all the time?  Someone please start a Matching Site for us!

PIZZA BOXES

The most awkward things in history!  You are single, you order a pizza, you go to pick up said pizza and then realize you cannot carry it!  “No Problem!” they say, they carry it to your car.  But then you get home and need to get in the house. Pizza boxes don’t fit in any known bag that I have seen, and I’ve tried to tie strings around it to no avail.  Yes, I have had driveway picnics in the past.

TOE’IN THE TOILET

Oftentimes I will tuck my pant leg in my back pocket.  I don’t like to cut it off in case my prosthesis is fixed.  It never fails that I dress up and look great, use the restroom, and as I pull my pants up that little tail of mine slips out and falls into the toilet!  Not the best way to end up with a wet tail.

FREE TAILIN’

While we are on the subject of tails, my pant leg gets stuck in the door ALL.THE.TIME.  And as you can guess…it pulls my pants down!  A few times I have even shut it in the car door and ended up all muddy and dirty as I drove down the road with my tail hanging out the door.  Free Tailin’ would be a great Tom Petty alternative.

WHEN CHATTY CATHY CALLS

Everyone does some things when they are the phone.  They walk and talk, put dishes away and talk, gather things to leave the house while they talk, etc.  When you are on crutches and you use your hand to answer the phone…you are stuck.  You cannot obviously use your hand at your ear AND use your crutches at the same time.  (Bluetooth doesn’t work for me with my hearing devices.)  I’ve been caught in some pretty interesting places picking up the phone and being unable to get off!  Now I usually just don’t answer my phone.  It makes a lot of people angry but I have a hurt feelings report they can fill out if they need it…just get in line!

EVERYONE REMEMBERS YOUR NAME

I have met so many people that remember my name and then become offended when I can’t remember theirs!  It is called word association, people!  One leg girl = Ashly.  If I forget your name then be glad I don’t have the same advantage that you have.

ONLINE DATING DILEMMA

So you sign up for the newest dating website and think maybe you may find someone interesting and a good match.  You start chatting people up and then you realize a few hours in that THEY don’t know YOU have one leg!  So begins the dilemma.  Tell them?  Wait until you meet?  How to tell them?  Can you phrase it in a way that doesn’t get you blocked?  What if they don’t like you when they find out, can you handle that rejection?  Ugh!  So many problems, Patty!

CANNOT USE AN UMBRELLA

28 years I have been an amputee.  This year at Christmastime my sweet grandma gave me a gift.  I couldn’t wait to see what it was.  You probably guessed by now…an umbrella.  My filter left in that moment as I said, “Nan, why in the hell would you get a one legged person on crutches an umbrella?”  I obviously cannot use crutches and hold an umbrella which leads to countless bad hair days and runny makeup.  I would like the say it is the thought that counts except there really must have been no thought put into that one!  I had to apologize for cussing in front of Nan.

THERE IS NO HIDING FROM HARRY

We all have a Harry, you know, that person that you see in public and just are not in the mood to talk to.  Having one leg there is simply no hiding from Harry!  The whole “it must have been someone else” when I was a teenager (someplace I shouldn’t have been) just didn’t fly with my parents.  When I swim and someone sees my crutches in front of my lane there is no getting around a chat with Harry. And there really doesn’t seem to be a polite way to say, “Take a hike, harry!”

ALL I DO IS DREAM

Often I dream that I have two legs.  In my head, after all, I am a whole person like anyone else.  There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and forget about that fallible body of mine…as I fall…

PANTS UP!

Without a nice thigh in place pants do not have the proper motivation to stay up.  I have inadvertently mooned people when I was at Wawa, children’s church, in my front yard.  It happens, people!

PUT A ‘CAP ON IT

Handicapped parking is always a little awkward.  I don’t LOOK disabled but I DO look young and healthy from the waist up.  There is always that awkward moment between when I pull into the space and get a bunch of disapproving looks, glares, and dismayed shaking of heads to when I get out of the car and suddenly turn into a cocky rooster parading my disability around.  “That’s right…I am more disabled then you, witch!”

There is never a dull moment to being disabled.  It is full of fun and funny moments that you can either laugh or cry about.  I hope you enjoyed this read…OH, and I was perfectly serious about the shoe size by the way.  If you are a female 8.5-9 you should email me your address, and then send me your lefties to keep the party going!  Keep the fun going and click HERE for Part 2!

Ashly Ash