This will be another Amputee Humor article for my peers. Some people really do have a hard time with these articles assuming that they are self-deprecating or a reflection of a deeper depression. Honestly, it is neither. It is simply forming a camaraderie with fellow amputees to give a shout out that they are not alone in this! On the other hand, my two legged audience likely absorbs some awareness and education about a life with limbs in a context that is (hopefully) a little amusing. Win/Win!
Things Leg Amputees DO NOT Have to Worry About
…Our thighs rubbing together
Yes, I am aware now that this is a thing. I’ve seen memes about it and heard my girlfriends complaining about their thighs rubbing and wishing that was not a real thing. I have no idea what this would feel like but from the sounds of it I am getting off scots-free!
Does the dryer really eat socks? I wouldn’t know because since I am an amputee I just throw them all in a drawer. Even when I use my prosthetic I will keep the same sock on it for days (and walk around slightly unmatched, which apparently is now the style). It’s not like that foot is breaking a stinky sweat anyway!
…Not putting our best foot forward
Whether we are at work, at home, or just getting a drink you can always bet on us placing our best (and only) foot forward!
…Being mistaken in a crowd
Most people have the option of avoidance or changing their hairstyle to get out of talking to people. We don’t have that. If you think you saw us, you probably did. If you want to talk to us, we can’t run.
…Trying on both shoes in a store
It just isn’t necessary. I can’t say I haven’t considered trying to sneak two lefties in a box though. Thankfully, God has given me some sort of moral compass. I’m not sure what that court order would look like, “Mrs. Ash, you are convicted for theft of two left shoes. Or at least the one, you bought the other.”
…Paying full price for a pedicure
I know some amputees that do pay full price or they allow the women to weasel a 75% out of them (If you are one of these please STOP and join the half-off club! Pun Intended). I disagree vehemently in paying full price. There is one foot and it is only fair to pay half price, maybe 55%. Yes, I have walked out of salons over this because I refuse to set that sort of precedent!
Are you kidding? The past five years alone my leg bills have been $194,000.00 and a quite hefty chunk of about $13k came from my paycheck. Every amputee faces the same thing unless they are sponsored by sports companies. Yeah, because we can all run full marathons for free legs, right?
…tripping over our own feet
Cut it off with the leg jokes, seriously! (pun intended)
…Being all right.
At least some of us are more than half left. Referring back to my half-off club idea!
… Watching the weather
The phantom pain that comes when weather is moving in or out makes my stump jump and act strange. It’s its own version of a crystal ball. I just rub it and depending on the pain I know what is about to happen! Now if I can just find my broom to complete this outfit.
People always tell me to be careful and recommend I use the handrails even though I am on crutches. Besides secretly (perhaps sinfully) thinking they are really stupid I am thankful I do not have to absorb those germs. One company I worked for I got written up for not using the handrail! By people with doctorate degrees! Geeezzzz
…Talking on the phone when you’d rather text
It is impossible to talk on the phone when you rely on your hands to walk. So, yes, when crazy Aunt Harriet calls you truly can’t do anything about it!
This fun article will be a series, the next part titled Things Leg Amputees DO Have to Worry About. It is written and will be posted in a few weeks time! After that, I have a third article just for my strictly-prosthetic-wearing amputee friends! Stay tuned!