A Man’s View – Choosing to Fall (and Stay) in Love with a Disabled Woman

A Man’s View – Choosing to Fall in Love with a Disabled Woman

After posting my article titled “Romance Based on (Dis)Ability” I had a few requests to hear about romance from a man’s perspective. My audience wants to hear what goes through a man’s head in regards to romance with a disabled woman. Well, this article is just that. I have submitted questions to three men in three different scenarios. Knowing not everyone is a writer and wanting to keep the authenticity of it being “in their own words” I have decided that a traditional Q&A will be best. This week I am going to publish my husband’s Q&A. The angle/scenario that he is coming from is “Choosing to Fall in Love with a Disabled Woman”.

How has your love changed as you transitioned from dating women without disabilities to being married to one with a disability?

Rick – My respect has grown greater [for disabled women] because of Ashly’s willingness, drive, and her love for me. My patience has improved because I respect her. She appreciates me, and putting her needs first has taught me patience. Overall, my outlook on marriage has improved and marriage seems easier. I have never dated any other disabled person so I don’t know about being married to them instead but in being married to Ashly she enjoys the little things. She is easy to make laugh, things don’t drag her down easy, and she can cope with things much better than other women. We don’t have “jobs” in this marriage we work together and that makes ours stronger than other relationships. Ashly tries so hard I can’t ever say “I can’t” around her she does more than any woman with two legs I’ve met.

Do you ever feel frustrated with having to be in the role of caretaker? Explain…

Rick -Yes, sometimes. Like when I have to drop what I am doing to meet Ashly’s demands. She thinks they need done “right now” and it is hard to drop what I feel is important to do what she wants. She can be pretty demanding sometimes and we both have priority items that need [to be] completed, and when they are both equally important it can be frustrating since I am only one person. I feel so much that if I could just take on my wife’s problems it would make her life so much better. Ashly has so much potential and tries so hard, I just can’t be both places at once. I have to learn to put my own needs aside sometimes.

After being married for 5 years do you feel dating an abled woman vs being married to a disabled one affects the core of a relationship?

Rick -Yes, but in a great way. Our core is so much stronger than most marriages because you know that you must work together in order to make life work. In my family there was no core to our relationships so I didn’t come with a good skill set to give to Ashly. We have had to create our own and couples that are married much longer than Ashly and I seem to have a lot of blank spaces. I know ours will only get better no matter what people say.

Men are created to build and fix things. As a man how do you deal with and handle being unable to “fix” your wife’s disability?

Rick -Not being able to fix the disability is very hard. It is crazy knowing I can’t do anything. For example, imagine being [very] young again and wanting to help your dad and he tells you you’re not allowed, that you’re too little, only grown ups can help…take that feeling times 100 and that’s how I feel. Take the same feeling times 1,000,000 and that’s how Ashly feels. I handle it as best I can by fixing the things that I can like helping her when she is physically hurt, planning our schedules ahead of time, canceling plans if she needs that, arranging the house to help her get what she needs, holding her when she is struggling. A big part of this isn’t just her physical health but also mental. It wears her down mentally and emotionally so some days it can be like juggling.

Do you get bored with not being able to do more physical activities (i.e. hiking, dancing, walking far, etc.) together?

Rick -Not bored just sad because Ashly is able to do anything she wants she just may not enjoy the more physical things. If anything it makes our marriage stronger. We enjoy the little things in life (talking, playing games, and working in the yard)…how many wives get truly excited to work outside in the yard? Ashly does and I get to enjoy that about her every day, what a blessing.

Does attraction change with physical deformities?

Rick -I don’t understand this question; it bothers me. I’m attracted to my wife and I don’t get why a leg would change anything? I’m short but that doesn’t change whether or not I am an attractive person. Attraction is based on what? Like God’s love for us, I don’t feel like love sees any physical deformities, but even before I fell in love with her I was attracted to her when I would see her at her apartment or walking to her car. At first physical intimacy did make me wonder about how I would handle this and what I would need to do to make the experience enjoyable for her. I had never been with a disabled woman so I was a little nervous too. But I let Ashly take the lead and found quickly that there was nothing different in the end at all.

How do you feel your relationship is special before God and honoring to Him?

Rick -I feel that a lot of people think we may not be equal. I feel like we are because we pull together. Like the mules that work the field, one must always lead and take the first step. Sometimes I take that first step and lead in certain areas of our marriage and in other areas she takes the first step and leads. But in the end we are pulling the same load and we are right there together. I feel like our marriage imitates Jesus and the church because we are forced to work closer than others and we have to get along on a much baser level than most couples.

How do you feel society and “model bodies” create an unhealthy standard of what love/physical attraction really is?

Rick -I have always despised the way society tells men what is attractive leaving no room for what they might see. Models are fake, they are not real. Real life women have flaws and they eat and have curves and there is beauty in that. Real women are beautiful. Just like an antique is beautiful because of the flaws it shows (scratches, dents, etc.) and is valued on those things I feel the same little imperfections make women beautiful. Knowing what I know now about the depth and character of a disabled woman I see these women as rare. They have so much more love in their hearts than I have ever seen in any able- bodied woman (not that it isn’t there just that it is so intense). You could put my wife in the room with any model and I would choose my wife every time because she outshines in a way that I can’t explain. I guess I feel you are never deformed because God has formed you.

What would you say to a young disabled and single girl who may feel love will not ever find her?

Rick -Find a church if you don’t already belong to one. Pray and follow your heart to what God tells you. Love will find you; you never find love [being] alone. You will know when God has brought you your guardian angel; that is what he will have to be for you, guarding your heart and [guarding] his love for you because the world judges. When that man comes you will know and know God is right there. Don’t let your disability determine your relationship. Don’t be fooled by the fakes (there will be men who say they want to take care of you and make your life better, just like people pretend to be the Messiah), know your God, know your heart, and always believe love WILL find you.

How would you define romance? Do you feel it is still possible being married to a woman with a disability?

Rick -Romance is not just about sex it is about the time you spend together. Time spent talking, laughing, sharing special moments together, going for walks. To define romance is endless because if everything you do is out of love then you are being romantic. Yes it is possible to be romantic with Ashly, I think she has a hard time seeing that I’m being romantic but it is possible. I do have to work on my skills, coming from a broken home my whole life I will say it has been a challenge.

Are you ever ashamed in public when people stare at your spouse in a bad way because of her disability?

Rick -No, not ashamed of Ashly, I’m ashamed of the people that do stare in a bad way. HOW DARE people think in that way? It happens a lot more than what people might think, a lot more. Ashly sees it all the time but she doesn’t think about it as much. I see them the whole time and every time I’m staring right back until we make eye contact and then I keep staring until the person puts their head down. I know that may not be right but like everyone else, I’m not perfect. The person usually figures out why I’m doing it but I try not to get verbal due to Ashly’s request (she is embarrassed just wanting it to all go away). It does make me angry and ashamed [of them]. To notice and look away is one thing but the way some people treat her is wrong. For me, I think of when Jesus saw the woman caught in adultery and drew the line in the sand in front of her to protect her. I see people staring at her and want to say, “If you are flawless cast the first stone”.

Do you ever feel she is holding you back?

Rick -Never, Ashly is a well motivated woman she can do anything she wants to do. I have the blessing to see an inspiration in her every day. The only way Ashly holds me back is from doing something stupid.

How do you feel about people staring at your spouse? A lot of our society models after a “trophy wife” mentality that sets up women to be objectified or lusted/coveted after when looked at. Being with a disabled wife the looks of envy turn to looks of pity…how do you see that in your mind?

Rick -Define trophy wife? My idea of a trophy wife is based on what she can do with what she has to work with. Ashly is a trophy and if other people can’t see that then that is not my problem. In my eyes, my wife is beautiful, sexy, and fun. Society’s idea of a trophy wife and mine are two different worlds.

Are there times when your wife seems to emotionally disconnect and isolate from you for whatever reason (low confidence, pain, etc.)? How do you help her to reconnect to you?

Rick -Ashly does disconnect emotionally and when she does she tends to get mean and lash out. It’s a challenge to not get mean back, and I fail, I’m human. We do butt heads and then one of us steps back and sees the bigger picture of what is happening beyond the words or frustration. I know sometimes I have to butt heads with her just to see what is going on [underneath it all]. I do still push her in these situations even if it causes more anger to help her to reconnect and express what is causing her to pull away from me and even from herself.

What would you say to a young disabled girl to help build good self-esteem and self-image?

Rick -Build a good relationship with Jesus and network with a church to see how people of God are. Build your morals off of the bible; it’s a challenge, but a true reward. Make friends not only with women in a church but men as well and see how different the standards are from the rest of the world. Guys don’t have to be perfect to date them, when Ashly started dating me I was not a very promising fellow. But when dating a guy make sure that he knows about your relationship with Jesus and accepts your faith and plans to keep growing in his.

Do you ever feel that your spouse loves and appreciates you more because of her disability and all you do for her?

Rick -Yes, I do. Ashly lets me know all the time which is nice because I do have a hard time, like I do things for other people (not just Ashly) and they never seem to appreciate it. It is an issue of my own I have to work on. Disability or not, men should help their wives with everything because working together is so much more rewarding than having “his job, her job”. I learned this in being married to Ashly. Men like to feel rewarded for the things that they do and I feel very appreciated every day.

Is it difficult to transition from the role of caretaker to the role of romantic interest?

Rick -At first it was but I found I can’t be a care taker then be romantic. I learned I need to mix the two roles together so that the little things I do for her because of her disability wind up being special bonds we share together. It works so well. Ashly and I have seen another couple with the same issue we have and they are so happy and have been married over fifty years this way.

How can you be attracted to someone that obviously looks so different on the outside?

Rick -I personally do not think this should even be a question. Why is society so focused on attraction only being on the body being a whole?

Is there any particular scripture or time that God has spoken to you throughout your relationship and helped to guide you into the married couple you are now?

Rick -I believe God has helped me see how Ashly truly needs help. Something most people that have been around her whole life choose not to see. Physically, emotionally, and mentally she needs help. Physically – setting the house up for Ashly. Emotionally – opening my heart and arms to her when she just needs to be held. Mentally – she does dissociate so I always am asking her how she feels and what she needs to stay [in the] present. I wonder if other men do the same for their wives? We all have certain needs from our spouse and they may not look the same as ours but they are there regardless and I challenge other men to look beyond the surface and work to meet those needs.

Inevitably, when caretaking for someone you will be in their personal space and step on their toes. Then what?

Rick -You dance. Just go with the beat of the drum and soon enough you will get in rhythm with each other.

Ashly’s Father asked you, “Do you know what you are getting into marrying a girl that is not normal?” when you asked for permission to marry her. What do you think about that?

Rick -I thought I knew what I was getting into but I learned quickly that I really didn’t know. What I saw was the need for Ashly to have a protector and a good man in her life. I knew I would die trying to provide that for her. Looking back I wouldn’t have let her marry me at that time because I really didn’t have anything in my own life together like Ashly needed. We struggled a bit because of that. But with her by my side I was able to pull myself together and become the provider and protector I wanted to be for her. I didn’t come to this marriage table with a whole lot of skills from my past or my family so we really had to learn together how to be healthy, take care of each other, and I’ve never been happier.

Anything else you would like to say or add?

Rick -Love God, Love your Spouse, and always know that your wife is right….(haha)

The End.

*If you have questions of your own for Rick comment below and he will be happy to answer them!

**Keep in tune with Crutchprints.com because in the near future I will be posting one last article keeping with this theme titled “A Man’s View – Temporary Disabilities”.

What is an Emergency to a Fake-Leg Doctor?

Each time I call my prosthetic provider the answering service is clear in stating, “If this is an emergency call the after-hours hotline”. I have always wondered what exactly would be considered an emergency to a Prosthetist? It’s not like you can be physically in danger using a fake leg…but then again all those warning labels we see are for something so I finally resolved that an emergency would be considered when a fake leg completely broke after hours. After such pondering it was only inevitable that the day came when I received a new leg and needed pants to fit it. (Nearly every time I get a new leg I need to buy new pants because each leg makes my waist line a different size since I am fitted at hip-level.) It was a dreary day when I headed to the store and on my way out of the store the floor was wet and I wiped out. Now when I say I “wiped out” I do not mean a pretty little slip-around where I was able to appear to be speed-skating and still manage to hold my purse and salvage my dignity. No, no, I mean a flat-on-my-back-purse-goes-soaring-rolling-and-flailing while screaming, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” kind of wipe out. Right there in front of everyone. Really, I couldn’t get back up because my new leg had a new hip joint and knee and I couldn’t figure out how to get them to work together so I kept catapulting forwards and backwards as one would bend and the other would straighten like a broken jack-in-the-box. This display was truly the closest thing to a flopping seal Seaworld expo you would find in Pennsylvania.

Eventually, (I’m convinced it was half an hour but more than likely was somewhere between five and ten seconds) I decided to play possum and wait for someone to come and check my pulse before helping me up. After making it to the car and leaving management with their own half-convinced smiles that I would not come back with a lawsuit I headed home in my state of shame wondering (based on the dirty state of my clothing) how they could have sent me away without at least a gift certificate to the dry cleaner or new pair of jeans. It was on my drive home that I realized how badly messed up my fake leg was from the fall. It was completely askew. Foot pointing one way, hip pointing another, immediately the “crooked little lady” nursery rhyme started playing in my head on repeat. After several hours of my husband and father working on my crooked piece of equipment I decided this would definitely be constituted as an emergency for a prosthetist. I mean hello…if you break your real leg that is an emergency to the real-body doctor so when you break your fake leg that should be an emergency to the fake-leg doctor, right? I was a woman with no leg and now filthy clothes. I had just sprawled out in a very public place and was more crooked than a bank robber! I needed to make the call!

Fixing my leg...A FAIL I might add! — Fixing my leg…A FAIL I might add!

Calling the hotline I was curtly informed by the on-call doctor (and to this day I am sure I heard thumping music and smelled grilling through the phone) that if I felt I was hurt I should call 911 and that a crooked leg was not an emergency, “Feel better and call the office on Monday for an appointmen…” I was instructed as the voice on the other end dissipated before even getting out the “t”.

Four years later I was recently reminded of this incident. I asked my doctor’s office what exactly is an emergency to a prosthetic provider? “There have been several cases where a patient cannot get their leg off, this can be bad news and counts as an emergency,” I was told. That’s it? If my wedding ring is stuck on and I call 911 I’m sure they will laugh and tell me to try soap and water or baby oil. Sorry to say this but I definitely feel if a stuck leg can be an emergency then my embarrassing, crooked, and broken tragedy should definitely count to the fake-leg doctor. You don’t need to get the Jaws of Life out to work a leg loose for crying out loud! Shaking my head I resigned myself to the fact that here, like all insurance claims, justice can be a fleeting thought…

*This article is meant as a piece of humor and in no way aims to poke fun or laugh at those that have had their legs or arms stuck on. I have had that happen too and agree it’s no fun. It can be scary but I do advise you try some baby oil and laugh along with me…

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Please share my poetry and writings via links on this blog with anyone you think would be encouraged! Please also be considerate of my hard work and use my name and blog to credit my writing and photographs.

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Please contact me at ash8410@hotmail.com or via Facebook if you are interested!

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Shalom to each of you as you receive God’s grace and renewal each day!

Romance Based on (Dis)Ability

Romance Based on (Dis)Ability

Growing up reading Anne of Green Gables and watching Cinderella I was such a romantic young girl that dreamed of being swept off her feet one day by Prince Charming. It was all I ever wanted and many trips to Disney as a young girl reinforced the idea of charming dances, beautiful dresses, flowers in my hair, and someone to hold my hand through everything.

After losing my leg I would climb a tree in the middle of the summer and sit out on a limb as long as possible completely engrossed in my romantic books and daydreaming about what Prince Charming would be like for me. Of course as the sun would set and I would need to crawl out of the tree using my arms and not legs I would snap out of it and realize that being disabled didn’t fit into the fairy tale world of romance. Heck, it didn’t even fit into the real world I saw around me.

Watching a neighbor girl whisper with her boyfriend and hold hands, share secrets and take long walks I would rub my head where my new hair was just growing back in (I had been bald from chemotherapy) and then twirl on the way back to the house as I imagined long beautiful locks and a ballroom gown. I secretly would dream of Beauty and the Beast and think if I could just find a beast somewhere that he would think I am beautiful just the way I was and would accept me and love me.

The thing was, I knew it was all in my head. I really believed that I would never have anyone to share with. I heard an adult speaking about me one night and they had said, “Look at her, who would want her? She will never find anyone!” Deep inside I truly believed that the ugly little bald-headed girl that I was would be alone forever. Still, I could dream, couldn’t I?

Now that I am married I want to explore some of the ways that romance is different with a disability. It doesn’t mean that it is better or worse but it certainly doesn’t line up with what our society sets as a standard.

Being disabled means I don’t get to hold my husband’s hand when I am walking. My hands are on my crutches and even when I wear my leg my balance is too imperfect and it becomes tedious for me. Likewise, my husband cannot walk with his arm around me because it will trip me or throw me off balance just the same. I don’t know what the closeness of walking arm in arm with someone would be. When he places his arm around my waist I have a plastic leg piece there and cannot feel his touch at the small of my back, an intimate touch I have heard described by so many friends as being wonderful. Being disabled also means that I don’t have the luxury of dancing and free movement that many couples can share. The spontaneity of a spouse gripping you up and dancing about the kitchen or a brief twirl as you pass in the hallway is something I have never experienced. As a matter of fact the freedom and spontaneity that so often define romance in our thinking is not much an option when you are hauling around a disability. Typically my days need to be planned around how I feel and how my body is reacting that day. It will depend on how long I can/will wear my prosthesis and how much walking is entailed. There is so much planning that goes into my day so when it comes to sweeping me off my foot or surprising me my husband is usually stumped (pun intended).

Often times in public with people staring at us and gawking/pointing/commenting I feel much more an object or animal than a person. It definitely doesn’t make me feel like a woman that is being appreciated for her beauty and charisma as her husband is affirmed in his choice. Haha…nah…I usually walk in public places with my head down just to avoid the inevitable hurtfulness that can come from being something I cannot change. Yes, I have even dated men that were ashamed of me in public and readily admitted this to me and others. Low confidence is something that is dished out in full platter servings to a disabled woman wherever she turns in this society we live in. One repair man at my own home asked what happened to my leg and when I explained looked at my husband with a disgusted shake of his head and said, “Well…I guess if you don’t care or have a problem with her no one else should.”

When my husband goes out of his way for me it is more likely because I need help than because he is being romantic. Each meal that I don’t have my prosthesis on for I need my plate and drink carried to the table. Any stepladder work must be assisted, and carrying in groceries is exhausting for me. On a bad day I even need help carrying the laundry to the washer or vacuuming. In the smallest of ways I can need help and there are times when my husband is rightfully frustrated with my demands for him to drop what he is doing in order to help me. Another ticker on the low self-confidence sheet for a disabled woman: reliance.

So maybe it is time to change the standard of what romance is? I often feel disconnected from romance and from the feeling of being truly wooed and loved because I am so engulfed in my own situation(s). I have spent countless hours over the years crying and pleading to find ways to be “normal” according to the fairy tale stories our society is modeled after. Finally, I am starting to realize that romance for me isn’t necessarily the same as romance for the rest of the world. Now I long to see a romance novel written for disabled young girls so that they can have the idea redefined and learn what true love and romance would look like for them. After talking to my husband about this we both agreed that romance for us flows from a much deeper place; a place that goes beyond the surface infatuations.

If you ask my husband if he is attracted to me he will say without hesitation, “Absolutely!” While I do believe that he is answering truthfully the problem lies within for not grasping that someone, anyone, could truly find me to be that way with the disability I have. I’ve had 25 full years of hard evidence proving otherwise. Our intimate life and moments are no different than for any other couple in the world. If anything, my husband feels as though I appreciate him so much more because he loves me when I don’t feel I deserve his love. I do not take him for granted and do everything in my power to make him aware of that. He feels the appreciation I have for him as he loves this disabled woman takes our bond to a more substantial depth than a lot of relationships ever reach.

When I think of our romantic story the small moments come to my mind immediately. The wonderful hugs from behind, the holding hands when we pray quietly, the times we reflect on our day together and encourage each other. I think it is romantic when I am in tears and so fed up with my life and physical hardship and he stops to wipe my tears away with his hands cupping my face to tell me he loves me. I think it is romantic when he takes me to the bookstore just because it is my favorite place and then pretends to be interested in every quote I stumble across and feel the need to explain over hot chocolate.

Sure, romance isn’t always perfect for us especially when in public. There are the times that I have fallen flat on my face or back during a romantic stroll or dinner. My leg has fallen off before and I have been unable to take another step until rescued. Just earlier this year we tried to have a romantic walk on the beach together when right in the middle of it we heard a “pop!” and my leg broke. Talk about killing the romance! But that is where the laughter came in to save us. We laughed together as we worked out a solution and sat in the sand watching the waves. Maybe romance is just simply not being alone?

My husband said this morning, “I believe our romance is special because everything that we can do romantically is more meaningful to you than other women could even imagine.” He summed it up completely in one short sentence. Romance for me as a disabled woman is appreciating the little moments and savoring them. When things do go right those moments take a much deeper meaning to me than they would to anyone else. To me, the love that is in my husband’s heart as he helps me each day (no matter how much I hate to admit it) is romance. The protective glare he shoots at strangers in defense of me when we are being stared at is another morsel of romance to savor. Knowing that I could spend my whole life looking for a man to love me and never find someone to love me even close to as much as he does is romance.

As I think back I realize that Jesus has been trying to teach me this for many years. When I first read the book of Esther I felt the strings of my heart being pulled by the romance/reality of this story. Esther surely couldn’t have been the most pretty and charismatic of women in the kingdom no matter how stunning she looked. In fact she didn’t choose the jewels and adornments the other maidens chose to impress the king. She surely wasn’t in the best of predicaments being forced to live in the King’s castle and rely on him for her very life and the lives of her people. Nor was she likely to be the chosen queen at the end of her night with the King. Yet she WAS chosen and I believe with all my heart it was for way more than her looks or ability.

I feel God, My King, who knows my heart desires deeper than anyone has always tried to assure me that I am chosen and it is not based on my looks or (dis)ability. He has given me so much favor, so many “winks” and little moments in my life that allow me to smile and know they were straight from him. Whether I was sitting alone by the water writing or being rescued when my car broke down I know God himself has been romantically wooing my heart for many years as he has held my hand and stood by my side every single day.

I am so blessed to not only be a part of the greatest romance (loving Jesus) mankind has ever experienced but also a part of an earthly romantic marriage. Through my husband God has healed my heart in so many ways and allowed me to experience so many of the dreams I had as a young girl. Of course there are many more that I still have not experienced but instead of focusing on society’s idea of romance I am choosing to stick to the scripture and to what romance looks like when based on a heart of love. Again, maybe romance is simply not being alone.

Not a fairy tale romance? Well, maybe we can fix that and write our own…

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“HEY! Now Walk it Out…Walk it out…Walk it out…”

“HEY! Now Walk it Out…Walk it out…Walk it out…”

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-5

As I prepare for speaking at the Sisters in Christ Event taking place in March many things have been brewing in my mind. Looking back over my personal life journey I have been asking God to show me how he has woven my story together in a unique way. A lot of my thinking has been most recently during my daily walks. I’m learning that a whole lot of thinking can happen in a short twenty minutes of silence!

It seems to me that each and every time I think about some of the events that caused pain in my life and how they may or may not have benefited me I hear a rap song replay in my head. Yes, back in my younger years rap music was one of my favorite genres and if you know my story (See “About” section on my homepage) you will understand that it truly fit in with my incorrect “life is a battle” mentality. There was one song in particular that I used to love and while I cannot remember the artist or the lyrics (who could decipher them anyway) yet one line has stuck in my head and continually blared internally for about three weeks now. The line is, “HEY! Now walk it out…now walk it out…now walk it out…and walk it out…” (If you have passed by a lady walking three dogs up the road screaming this tune at the top of her lungs and doing a little dance then you have most definitely just passed me!)

“So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” James 2:17

When I think about the most literal of examples to “walk it out” immediately the past nine months jumps to the forefront of my mind. Through the trial and struggle of finding a new leg that works for me and finding a way to live life as mobile as possible in order to succeed I have had only one choice in regards to my response: Walk it out! Even now that I deem the worst of the process over, with my new leg is “in hand” and my best foot in front of me (pun intended) I still must continue to “walk it out” in order to reach the point of maximum benefit. Let’s face it, if I don’t walk with my new leg I will not adjust to it and the doctor will not be able to make further improvements without feedback. A leg in the closet doesn’t benefit anyone; least of all me.

So as I walk up the road and feel the list of things that are uncomfortable, rubbing, pinching, and needing correction I want to run to the doctor for help at first availability. But I have been reminding myself that the first thing I need to do is to continue to walk and allow my body to adjust as much as it can so that my doctor can differentiate between what is actually causing the problem: my leg or my weak muscle habits.

The same is true in life. I feel this is a perfect picture as to what oftentimes our faith looks and seems like with God. So many times that we are up against a struggle it is easier to simply take our leg off and put it in the closet. “Let’s NOT walk today”, we think. “Let’s take a break from walking and we will pick it back up later.” How many times do we allow our walk with God to be on the back burner simply because we know waiting and having faith is not the easy way?

There are also times that we are attempting to walk in faith and then things suddenly become uncomfortable. We feel a little pinching here, rubbing there, or maybe we can point our fingers at what someone else needs to fix in order to make our walk of faith easier. How easy it is to want to beg our way out of it! How simple it would be to take the leg off and place it back in the closet! Easier yet, to make a prayer appointment with “Doctor Jesus” to complain and whine and beg for Him to fix it all so we don’t have to face any hardship.

Very simply put: we must keep walking and exercising so that we can strengthen our own muscles of character and intimacy with Jesus and allow our doctor (Jesus) to fix the things that are beyond our scope of capacity.

While this is a very literal example of “Walking it out”, in light of the grander picture of my life I have been reflecting on the number of times that I have come against struggles and have had to walk them out. While I know my heavenly Father has loved me and desired to not see me suffer in any way He has in his wisdom truly allowed what he could have easily prevented in His power. He has allowed me to walk out many situations where I have had to look to Him and allow my roots to grow deeper and stronger while being steadily transformed into who He created me to be.

“And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” Hebrews 11:6

I believe that our faith must reach a point where it crosses over from “believing” to “knowing”. Graham Cooke speaks of this and I believe it is an extremely spot-on and relevant topic that many Christians today could benefit from. You see, I may have faith that God will provide for me during a tough time. God will give me faith to believe and to pray for the provision that He provides. But when that provision comes I no longer need faith because the provision is now right in front of my eyes. I see and KNOW that the provision I once had faith for has been given. Now I no longer have faith that God is Jehovah-Jireh (The Lord Provides) but I have experienced Him personally as Jehovah-Jireh. Next time that I need provision I will have a new and upgraded faith that has been salted with the seasoning of experience. Walking out our tough times leads us to experiencing (moving from faith in believing to knowing) God in a way that we otherwise would not have had opportunity to.

Living in Faith is: Walking it out!

In the movie “God is Not Dead” there is a scene at the end of the movie where the preacher has had car trouble throughout the movie and he is about to take his out-of-town (also a preacher) friend somewhere. The out of town preacher prays that the Lord will make the car start. The preacher then heads to start the car but is corrected by his friend who says, “Hey, load the bags in the trunk first. We spend our lives preaching faith let’s practice it.” The preacher reluctantly loads the bags before seeing if the car will even start and is suddenly surprised and full of thanksgiving when the car starts and his faith-filled action was rewarded.

How many opportunities do we have on a daily basis to “Walk it Out!”? When we pray for or about something are we responding with our words and actions as if God has already answered our prayer? Or do we pray and then put our leg back in the closet (live in a way that our words and actions do not line up with believing)?

“As God has said: ‘I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” 2 Corinthians 6:16b

“The only way over is through it” has been taught to each of us. Whatever we face and whatever we are up against let us start walking through it in faith and with comfort that we are not alone. Let’s face things knowing that God is moving us from a place of believing in faith for Him to come through to a place of experiencing Him as a God who answers. God is already on the other side, in the beginning, and in the middle of everything we need. He is just allowing us opportunity to exercise moving our perceptions of Him from faith to experience.

How will you experience God this week? Let’s “Walk it out!” and find out!

Shaking and Strenghtening of 2014

The past few months I have struggled to find words and ways to write. My life hasn’t looked very positive on the outside and things have been harder for me than I ever imagined back in January 2014. While I groped around in seeming darkness for something to write about it hit me the other day that I should simply write about my year. Since then I have been finding words to put to this most recent “leg” of my journey so that I can share with you how I have been this past year and about my desire for 2015 to be a more pleasant and cheerful year.

On January 6, 2014 I felt the Lord wanted to speak to me about my upcoming year. I sat with a pen and the following flowed forth:

“This is a year for shaking. 2013 was a year for roots. 2014 is shaking and strengthening those roots. Know who you are called to help and who must find their own way with Me.

Your roots are sufficient for this time but they are not complete yet! They will continue to grow as you take to heart the importance of the shaking around you. Respect me but do not fear. I am around you and my spirit is within you!

Wisdom this year will be granted freely along with my power. You will need the former to operate in the latter. Expect miracles to start. Expect boldness in your faith. I will shift things and level the playing field this year.

The desires of your heart are also mine. I say to you: MY TIME. You will fall on your knees and rejoice, you will cry out to the lover of your soul as of yet! You have been afraid of the intensity in me…in you. But let go. Abandon All!

Friendships that are in me will last. Others let go and allow me to work.

Don’t wait until the end of the day to approach me. I will walk you through every transition. Be a fragrance, be a light, my presence will engulf you in intimacy.”

About nine months ago I embarked on a journey to find a new prosthetist and get a more comfortable leg for walking and for living the highly active lifestyle I desire. I wrote about this in “A New Leg of My Journey – https://crutchprints.com/2014/05/21/a-new-leg-of-my-journey/” and now as I look back at the fresh and vigorous approach I started with I wonder how I got to this point of being so tired and worn down.

Since June I have been in and out of the doctor office between one and three times every week. I am blessed to not have a job during this time because I simply could not have taken the amount of time off. Each time the leg was adjusted or changed my entire way of life changed with it. The things I could do around the house last week suddenly had to be done in a new and different way. It was exhausting finding different ways to do laundry, carry groceries, weed my gardens, and exercise. With every small adjustment to the leg my entire body shifted and my back would ache, my good leg would have pressure applied in different and sometimes painful ways, and new muscles would need to be broken in. Just as I would begin to adjust to the new changes I would go back for my next 4-5 hour appointment and the process of finding a new “everyday normal” would begin all over again. As I watched my dog chase his tail the other day I realized I no longer laughed at him but rather felt the depth of his frustration since I have literally done the very same thing for over 30 weeks at this point.

The past six months I have been forced to face some of the grief that comes from having one leg and the loss of not being able to complete tasks as a “normal” person. Post Trauma issues flared in the midst of the very real physical and mental stress that was placed on my body. The issues that flared came in the form of headaches, nightmares, depression, flashbacks, stressed relationships; more tears than I have ever shed in a short time before. If ever I was on a boat forging through a typhoon it has been the past six months.

Hopefully by now you get the picture. This journey has been a very lonely one. I mean, how do you express to people around you what you are going through? How do you find words to express the pain when all that your friends want to hear is positivity? Was I positive throughout this? Absolutely. Did I know it would all work out because God was in this process? Of course! Did I have the promise from God given to me in January to hold onto? Yes. Yet somewhere and somehow I needed to express some of what was happening to me without judgment or without someone trying to “fix” it or point out the positive light in it.

Yes, I know everyone has seen someone on TV a year ago that could jump 8 feet straight up in the air and clean their chimney, drop a few presents down and hop back down with their mechanic leg…but that’s not me or my life. The marathon runners everyone sees are not hip disarticulate amputees. The special legs that link to the brain are so expensive my insurance company would find it cheaper to assassinate me. And before I hear it again of course I know there is always someone “worse off” than me! Those weren’t the answers that I needed the past six months. What I really truly needed was someone to hear my pain and respond in three simple words, “Wow that sucks.”

In this process boundaries became a critical glue for me. Not to keep others out but to keep me in. I needed to stay contained and in a place that I didn’t run all over the place like jello (the words of a friend). Sticking close to home, spending a lot of time alone, not seeing many people outside of a very small group and learning to say “no” even if it meant cancelling plans were some of the boundaries I had to allow myself freedom to use. Unable to walk for exercise I found outlet in using a stationary bike, canning my garden produce, and knitting/embroidery. All of these things created space around me for God to speak to me and meet me right where I was at so that He could be the glue in my life during the time when I was nothing less than a sticky and unglued mess.

This year has caused me to grow in ways that I never expected. I learned how amazing God created my body to be. After reviewing a lot of the statistics about hip disarticulate amputees and their activity level I was able to get a lot of confidence in my willpower and progress over the past 25 years. For the first time I felt freedom to really ask “who do I want to be with and without a leg?” It was a little scary to face some of the answers and sift through reality vs dreams. I examined my heart to find who God created me to be as a disabled young woman and what ways I could bring Him glory right in the midst of my pain.

There is a tunnel I drive through every so often and as I start through the tunnel I always am excited for the adventure of traveling under a mountain. As I continue through and darkness surrounds me I usually feel a little anxiety creeping up as the pavement passes underneath the car yet I do not see an end to the journey because there is no light shining from the other end. It seems that the majority of my year was spent in that very part of the tunnel. I questioned if I had made the right choice changing doctors, if I found the right doctor and if he could truly help me at all. I became anxious about my physical and mental stamina and whether I could hold course at the rate I was traveling. I watched so many pass me in the other lane as I maintained a seemingly slow motion speed. But as the year came to a close I hit the point where I could see the faintest glow of light shining back at me in a ray of hope from the end of the tunnel. Closer and closer I am still inching towards that light and now feel the reassurance of this journey and the decisions I have made throughout.

Surprisingly the biggest hit to my year has been a tie between my body and relationships. The wear and tear on my body and mind has me in a place where I am looking forward to the beginning of the year being a time of rest and refreshment to regain my physical and mental strength. As I mentioned in the beginning I am exhausted. The other big hit that this journey has taken was on my relationships and friendships. There were several friendships that did not withstand the shaking of this journey and while I was sad to let them go I knew I didn’t have a choice. I knew I could either chase after friends at the expense of my health and sanity or continue on the path that God chose for me. While none ended on a bad note I know that God has called each of us to our own path and I most certainly look forward to the day when we can have unlimited time and energy to gather our friends around us in glory.

God has known from the very beginning what this journey would be for me. And so much has changed this year. It has been a year of shaking just as He promised. As the year comes to a close and things that have been shaken continue to fall and lay where they land I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Chains of bondage have fallen off and I am closer to the King of Kings than I have ever been. Instant Miracles happen all the time but this year has been one slow and long miracle of freedom. I have received the miracle of the freedom to walk, freedom to hopefully dance, and freedom in Christ.

In and through the struggles God also sent us just the right amount of blessing seasoned through all of this. As I inventoried our year of blessings I could see that while the struggles may be prominent in my mind the truth is that our Lord was faithful! My leg was paid for ($54,000), Rick was baptized this year, we both joined church, I turned 30 this year, I reconnected with several people from the past, and many more things! Every place that we hit a bump God was right there with “Road Work” signs smoothing them out.

On March 28, 2014 I awoke to a song in my head that has played over and over in my spirit this year. It carried me through walking with all the painful legs, it carried me through when I couldn’t even think for the frustration and it always pointed me to Jesus. As a friend in church pointed out, “It is so amazing how man’s absolute best [technology, science, effort in prosthetic devices] cannot even come close to what God could create in one word.” In closing this year I will share the simple song with you and look forward to the exciting and new writing topics that will come from my time of R&R this New Year!

“Every Day I live…I will worship

Every Day I breathe…I find time to break

Every Day that’s new…I will give to You

For Nothing is too big

Nothing is too big

FOR MY GOD!”

Crutchprints Works with Jay Martin to Receive New Prosthetic Device

Here is a link to an article recently published on UD-Daily about my experience this past week at UDEL working with inventor and entrepreneur Jay Martin (Martin Bionics) to be fitted for a new innovative type of prosthetic leg specifically geared for hip disarticulate patients. More updates and information to come on the project!

Click Below for the article:

Pennsylvania amputee to visit BADER lab at UD’s STAR Campus to test prosthesis

Why I Traded Candy Crushing for Embroidery

Why I traded Candy Crushing for Embroidery

One of my first embroidery projects for a friend to use in her nursery

We all do it. We have some way of allowing ourselves to morph into zombies most evenings after long days of running, working, cooking, cleaning, and/or tending to the needs and demands of our families and friends. Sometimes I sit in front of Netflix for an hour or two. Other times I jump on Facebook to sift through the statuses and seemingly super exciting lives of others while reposting all the great and influential quotes I deem as noteworthy (regardless of redundancy) . Over the past year I have picked up another habit to keep my body producing melatonin far longer than necessary and causing me to rub my eyes and yawn in regret the next morning: Candy Crush.

You see my husband has been a third shift truck driver this past year and I have been a stay at home wife for nearly that long. While we do not have children yet I still manage to jam pack nearly every day with work and activity. I stay busy with gardening, yard work, flowers and landscaping, canning, sewing, cooking, research, and lately knitting hats for charity. Being an amputee causes the most basic task to take twice as much time so by the end of the day I find myself mentally and physically exhausted while yearning for the end-zone of monotony and boredom. I attribute this vulnerable state to being the reason why I so eagerly fell into the seducing arms of Candy Crush and a few other great online games.

At first the games seemed to be just what I was looking for: Sleek and attractive activity at the end of the day to fill time but still containing just the right dose of excitement and mindless stratagem to appease my restless soul.

As time went on I noticed I was spending more time zoning out in games or Facebook and less time I connecting with my husband during his break time via phone. I noticed that he would ask frequently, “Are you busy? Your mind seems somewhere else…” as I irritatingly insisted I was listening and only trying to beat a level in a game. Tired and cranky the next morning I would feel a little empty and even describe my time at the end of the day as “missing something”. I rationalized that everyone zones out and kills time before bed which clouded my thinking and prevented me from identifying the source of the hole in my life.

“She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Psalm 31:27

So I began to pray…I began to ask God why I felt empty at different times and why I felt so disconnected from reality. I asked God why when I read about others’ lives on Facebook I felt like I was lacking something in my own. I asked why I seemed to not want to play games yet was irrationally drawn to them even though I do not have an addictive personality. Most daringly I asked God to remove and redirect me away from anything that was causing me to not live in the moment and honor Him every minute of every day. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman as I continue to grow and be the wife I was created to be.

(Please note that I am not in any way attempting to speak out against online games, Facebook, or television but am merely sharing my opinion and personal experience. I fully and readily confess there have been times when I was knitting and watching Netflix while my husband read Facebook updates to me from across the room! Just “keepin’ it real”!)

Within a week of praying about this I received a gift from a dear friend of mine. She had embroidered and made a pillow for me. As I looked over her intense labor consisting of thousands of stitches forming beautiful flowers and displaying gorgeous color pallets a spark was lit in my heart. It didn’t come down like a lightning bolt from heaven and at this point I didn’t even have a clue that it was God speaking to me. Yet there it was… a message impressed on my heart that I couldn’t shake. Within a few days I marched to the front door of my friend with a project and newly purchased thread in my hand to sit down for my first lesson in embroidering.

“She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.” Proverbs 31:24

Over the next week I started to see the creativity in me develop. As I sat I would think about how I was embracing an art form that hundreds of generations before me have used to gift and bless those around them. From evenings by medieval firelight and colonial candles all the way to the electric lamp in my living room women have been embroidering for centuries. I began to feel I was a part of something bigger than myself and making even the slightest difference. Seeing my progress each evening helped me to look forward to tomorrow and whatever adventure it may hold.

“And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” Mark 4:39

Now more than ever I am convinced that the creative process allows for expression and processing within our minds. I believe processing allows for a space and creates capacity for us to review our day past and mentally prepare for our day to come. It also allows for healing to flow as we reconcile the things we have said and done that day and align ourselves with God’s will for our lives. Whether the project is embroidery, a puzzle, knitting, sewing, woodworking, or journaling I believe we are building the bridge between one day and the next as our mind and body works together to express itself through something tangible.

I have not felt that empty feeling in over a month at this point. On the contrary I have felt more connected to my surroundings than ever before. I watch my progress in knitting or embroidering and I can see the story of each day being told in the colors and stitches I choose. The conversations that come from my work brings me closer to those around me and I am present rather than distractedly consumed when speaking to my husband at night. As a bonus needlework does not cause melatonin to release and keep me awake beyond that of a healthy schedule.

“Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” Proverbs 31: 31

So while I surely do miss imagining myself with a hammer and fighting to achieve level 315 of Candy Crushing I can honestly say my quality of life has immensely improved through embroidering. Is there a creative process you can embrace today?

There is an update on my journey mentioned above published here.

Making Relish while Relishing Relationship

Making Relish while Relishing Relationship

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.” Psalm 77:11

Nearly everyone I know has a way of connecting with the past. For some reason as humans we feel the need to reach across generations and stretch ourselves outside of time even if just for a moment to connect with our past stories of how we came to be. Some people research genealogy and get lost in family history while others keep to certain family traditions and pass them on to their children. For me, the kitchen has involuntarily become my very own time capsule.

“He remembers his covenant forever, the promise he made, for a thousand generations…” 1 Chronicles 16:15

The rack of cast iron frying pans hanging in my kitchen was my great grandmother Chamberlain’s. I have slowly collected these from discarding family members over the past ten years and I have had no greater delight than cooking something for my own family in a well-seasoned and easy-to-clean pan. My great grandmother Chamberlain was a strong woman, a single mother of seven children whom sometimes held three jobs to hold her family together along with her eldest son. As I cook and reflect on her life and her hardships I often wonder what she would think about as she stood over these very same pans after working three jobs and coming home to care for a family. I wonder sometimes if she cried out to God the way that I do after a long day and whether she also found joy in the mundane things of life along the way.

“Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.” Psalm 25:6

My cupboards also contain the pots and pans that were my great grandmother Burke’s given to her as a wedding gift circa 1920. These came to me from my Aunt at a time when I was about to purchase new pots and pans and fed up with the chemical warning labels. Never have I seen a set of pans in better condition and knowing these were used on our family farm to feed the mass of family members congregating truly speaks volumes of my great grandmother’s care and appreciation for her possessions. There have been many times when those pans were not easy to clean that I have stood over them scrubbing and wondering how these have lasted for nearly 100 years of use and whether they will retain their pristine condition after the likes of me!

“They remembered that God was their Rock, that God Most High was their Redeemer.” Psalm 78:35

Around the edges of my counter tops, lining my cupboards, and holding my sugar, tea, coffee, cookies, etc. is a huge set of old Village Brown Pfaltzgraff canisters passed on to me by my own mother. It was the set that she used after being married and as a toddler I clearly remember being reprimanded when reaching for the sugar canister from the edge of the counter. This set throws me back to the foundation of her and my father’s marriage, my pre-amputation days, while somehow bringing to me great comfort and peace as I use these same dishes and plates in my own home.

A Sampling of my first canning year proudly on display

All of these items transport me back in time but there is one thing that stands apart from all the rest: canning. About five years ago my husband wanted me to learn how to can peaches for him. He bought me the beginning water bath canning kit, mason jars, and a box of peaches while heading out to the garage to build shelves for the final product. I remember calling my grandmother Rodriguez and telling her that no matter how many times I read the recipe I might has well have been an alien reading Japanese for all the sense I could make of it. She laughed and reminded me that growing up during the depression with seven siblings taught her a lot and that she would be right over without the need for a recipe. She began to teach me how to sterilize jars, wipe lids, remove air bubbles, and can food in a way that would leave my shelves lined with the vibrant colors of summer to enjoy one jar at a time year round.

Five years later we continue to can everything we can garden and put our hands on. It surely is no easy task as any homesteader will confirm. With my disability it can be an even more challenging project as I hoist the big pots laden with empty jars and bushels of produce up the basement steps and into my tiny kitchen. I have since learned how to read canning recipes and we still spend our canning days sharing stories of my grandmother’s childhood, her marriage, and her life as we ladle the same foods she ladled with her mom into the hot, clear glass jars.

Spending this time together closes the gap of generations as we perform the same tasks done by countless women in our family history. We connect in a way that shows me how God has worked in my family and a way that makes the hours fly by without either of us noticing.

“But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.” Psalm 103:17-18

Remembering where we come from and embracing our history is something that is not foreign to God’s people. A simple bible search for the word “remember” renders 231 results! God wanted His people to remember the traditions and realize the richness of the grace and love he lavishly provided even while his people were still living under the Law of Moses. Just as in knowing the hard work of canning before electricity was invented makes me appreciate being a modern canner; so remembering how people operated in grace while under the Law of Moses allows me to appreciate the way Jesus set us free from these rules of religion.

“Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” Mark 8:18

While canning there are a ton of rules to follow: Keep your jars hot; wipe the rims before placing on the lids; Don’t reuse your lids; Each food needs to be in the canner a certain amount of time; Listen for the “ping” of the seals; do not leave unsealed jars out because of the dangers of botulism. When I am canning alone I tend to worry about these things and anxiously keep “on my toes” making sure everything is being done just right so that my time and food are not wasted. But when my grandmother is with me I relax fully in the nature of our relationship trusting that she knows just what to do and when to do it and will alert me if I stray from the course. I do not worry about how the food will turn out tomorrow because we are talking and laughing and sharing history with one another. We are relishing relationship even as we make the relish!

I feel that our relationship with God is much the same way. It is so easy to get caught up in trying to remember the rules. We try to follow the Ten Commandments and do “good” to ensure our own salvation tomorrow. But with Jesus in our heart all of the rules pass away as we enjoy our relationship with Him. The Bible helps us to marinate in the history of our people and as we enjoy the stories and the presence of the relationship with Jesus all of the rules fade into oblivion. We become consumed by the relationship and remembering the greatness of the one we are in relationship with.

“I thank God, whom I serve, as my ancestors did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers.” 2 Timothy 1:3

The frying pans and the pots from both of my great grandmother’s do little more for me than stir my imagination and appreciation for the things I have been told. But while canning side by side with my grandmother history comes to life because my grandmother is with me and present. Each time together ingrains an experience into my being not just my mind. When we approach the bible the same way and experience the relationship first we can be transformed by grace from the inside out in ways that we would never have imagined otherwise.

“But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.” Deuteronomy 8:18

Peach Canning day right after buying our little home

This season of canning is about over and there is one day left (my favorite of all): Apples. Applesauce, Pie filling, and Apple Butter are on my list this year and with my grandmother being 78 years old I am going to allow the day with her to be forever imprinted into my memory. I know she will be gone one day and I will be standing in my kitchen either alone or with my own children. I’m so grateful that Jesus stretches beyond his lifetime so that his Holy Spirit is with me always just as real as if He were standing right next to me. Everything changes around us: electricity, recipes, even people come and go. But the one thing that doesn’t change is how we experience relationship because relationships are outside of time.

“In that day you will say: “Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted.” Isaiah 12:4

It brings our Father delight when we remember and think back on the great things he has done around us. Testimonies we share with one another are powerful as they remind us just how magnificent and great our God is. Remembering and connecting in relationship can bring change to our entire day/week/month. Each time we remember what God has done for us we are experiencing a treasured moment in relationship with him.

So whether we are canning tomatoes or pickling relish one thing is true: relationships reconnect us to remember. So…enjoy our modern day luxuries and plug in to remembering where you came from, where God is taking you, and who is important around you.

“Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.” Isaiah 46:9