Why I Traded Candy Crushing for Embroidery – 1 Year Later (Update)
Many of you remember my previous article on this subject. The update here is based on the original article which you can find by clicking here.
It has been a full year since I decided to give up computer games and Facebook games. Being the wife of a Truck Driver I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand the test of time due to the long hours I spend alone here. Truly this experiment has surprised me and my husband as I have not once faltered or even been tempted to download a new game app!
I find myself more positive than ever as I am quick to process the activities of my day while embroidering, crocheting, and loom knitting. Even when I am down in the dumps finishing a project will instantly lift my spirits and give me the same sense of satisfaction that I receive when exercising! Of course I cannot prove the science behind this but it has proven true in my own experience time and again. Throughout this process I have branched out and learned new techniques, stitches, patterns, and challenges in ways that grow my skills and keep me thinking outside of the box. Another positive thing about this is that I always have an arsenal of gifts to give away and bless others with. I used to scramble for a hostess gift but now have a closet full of options and ways to bless others in a way that goes beyond the simplicity of spending money. Even my dogs are finding some fresh apparel from some of my “ends”.
Speaking of my arsenal of finished projects, it is way too large. That is the sole down-side to this experiment (hoarding yarn certainly doesn’t count as a downside, right?). I must now find a place to sell many of the blankets and bigger items that I have made. While many become gifts for loved ones and are made with their particular color palette in mind, many more are combinations that I found on sale and put together during the long evenings I spend alone. But who is going to complain about having things to sell and make a little cash to cover cost?
All in all I can honestly say I feel a rewarding sense of peace and a stretch of my gift in giving during this past year. So if you find yourself watching TV a lot during the winter (I now will leave the television or music on in the background sometimes) and want something to show for your time spent I encourage you to buy a loom kit or find a friend that knows how to embroider/crochet and get started. Donating to the homeless, making your own gifts, and having so much to show for your time will reward you and bring you closer to God’s heart than you ever have been.
When someone is getting a new prosthetic device customized (especially at a hip-level) there are a few weeks of trial and error where the patient wears the new leg out and about while taking notes about any discomfort. As time goes on the prosthetist may stick a pad in here or trim a little from the leg there; whatever it takes to allow maximum comfort and optimum functionality.
It was during this time frame of testing out a new leg that this story takes place. You see, taking up a few hours of my doctor’s time one Friday there was one simple fix we didn’t have time to squeeze in. He loosely glued and stuck a foam pad into the area that the leg was pinching me and sent me out the door so that I could test it out before making it permanent.
Of course there was no problem with the pad (or pinching) when I was home alone and no one was in sight. Instead, I was at a picnic to celebrate the gender reveal of our (now) goddaughter that wardrobe malfunction struck. Innocently standing in line waiting for another drink of water in the heat of the sun I turned to make conversation with the three big and young guys standing behind me. Just as I turned I heard a light “plop”.
Oh yes, it was “the pad”. It fell straight out the bottom of my cute picnic dress and laid there staring up at me and these young strangers from between my feet like the white nightmare that it was. I looked down horrified as my mind quickly pondered the best course of action to take. Do I pick it up and show it to them, explaining what it is? How do I explain “the pad” is really something that belongs to my fake leg?! Do I ignore it and pretend this never happened? Their horrified and curled up lips silently revealed that road would not be the least bumpy to take. I mean really. What could I say in this situation that would be remotely believable! What would you think if you were standing there and the lady in front of you had a white pad fall out of the bottom of her dress?
Not knowing how to react and cursing the fact there is no “leg malfunction etiquette” manual for amputees I simply bent over mumbling an “oops” and busted out laughing as I realized how screwed my reputation was from there forward. Even in my laughter I must confess to making an immediate beeline for my husband just to make it clear to those young fellas that no matter how disgusting they perceived me I was loved by SOMEONE!
Perhaps there is a “Prosthetic Device Malfunction Manual” to be written after all…
#1. Have your Prosthetist Paste in All PADS!
#2. In the case a pad falls out of your leg in public…
The past several weeks I have been struggling with back pain on top of everything else. Not the typical ache but excruciating stabbing pain taking place in muscular areas. The doctor decided that my fake leg and forearm crutches were responsible for the healing lapse and advised me to “get off my foot” and use a wheelchair for a few days to allow my muscles to recover with some medicinal assistance. Sitting in a wheelchair, unable to walk or even push myself around in my little “chariot” gave me a lot of time for reflecting and also left a lot of room for sadness. (I am a highly active person so being told I must sit still for days at a time was a nightmare.)
Prior to the diagnosis I had been struggling with writing as of late since my confidence seemed to have taken a slight spiral downward. The past few months I suddenly began to feel unqualified to write or share what God has put in my heart to share with others. I had begun to feel that perhaps with my own personal struggles I was not “healed” enough inside to properly write and speak. Each time I had a physical or emotional flare-up such as anger, back pain, or PTSD symptoms, this belief of not having “arrived” at the place of being capable to properly minister to others concreted itself in my mind. To top off those doubts there had been backhanded comments and put downs from people around me which reminded me immediately of Job’s friends and how they could not stand by him supportingly in his time of trial but rather pointed out his weaknesses instead. Even though I knew I am called to write and share I still wondered inside of my heart, “Is it true? Are they right? Perhaps I truly don’t know enough about the bible and I am imagining the things I think God puts in my heart? Maybe my timing is off? Maybe I didn’t hear God?”
“Mysheep listen to myvoice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27
With all fairness to reality it has been tough lately and would be taxing on anyone not just me. You, my readers, know more than anyone how difficult it can be to be disabled and limited in every way both inside and outside of the body. The medicine to help me heal was basically knocking me out for several hours each day and then as I awoke I would spend a few more hours in a zombie-like state coming to. My husband had to assume the household and lawn chores that I usually took care of behind the scenes all the while holding down his job as a truck driver. We were offered help by several people but it just seemed to be easier emotionally and mentally to hold down the fort on our own. You better believe that I was frustrated and angry throughout the process of not being able to walk or move or enjoy canning the fresh produce pouring in from our garden. All of those things seemed to beat to the drums in my head of “you’re unqualified, you’re unwise, you’re unfit, and you’re unworthy”.
Yet as the clouds lifted in my mind I started to see the truth: God does not choose the strong, the healed, the “wise”; he chooses the EMPTY so He can fill.
When I saw the above sticker I realized how true the headline statement is. If I believe I must be qualified for God to use me then I am in this for the wrong reasons: pride and recognition. If others believe I must have certain notches on my belt as far as healing or struggles or memory verses prior to being used by God then they are not reflecting the law of grace. Anyone that makes us feel as if we need a formula to gain acceptance/cleanliness or freedom from sin is not preaching grace. Even those that feel they alone have heard God’s wisdom for everyone around them and obnoxiously bully their points are clearly missing the truth that each of us is His sheep and we each hear his voice individually for our own lives (John 10:27). In my last article I spoke about grace and how each of us is under grace whether or not we recognize it. Grace isn’t about anything that we can do or go through but only about what Christ already went through for all of us. Dr Michael S. Heiser teaches that the bible was not written by a bunch of men zapped and taken over by the Holy Spirit in a trance-like state. It was written by real men that lived in the true struggles and circumstances of everyday life. Circumstances that were conditioned and controlled by Yahweh. The Holy Spirit inspired the biblical writers while he used their minds and bodies and experiences in total conscience awareness to dictate the scripture as we know it. When I think about that and then revisit the image above reviewing all of the character “weaknesses” I am amazed that God’s perfection came through such imperfect people.
God chooses the empty. God chooses the weak. God chooses the broken. Do I qualify to be chosen? Do you? In skimming many of the biblical stories I noticed a simple pattern in the lives of those chosen by God:
THEY ASK…
It seems each person and prophet used by God consciously emptied themselves and stood before God in their weak and fragmented states while making a choice to be used. They wanted to be chosen and they wanted to be God’s hands and feet on earth.
“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Sendme!’” Isaiah 6:8
Isaiah was ready to rumble! He was standing in the presence of the divine council and yet seeing God in all His glory Isaiah wasn’t focused on his own weaknesses or shortcomings but was rather enraptured in the majesty of God and wanted to join in His work. When we keep our eyes on Jesus and the fact that we are saved by grace and covered by His righteousness we too can stand boldly before the divine council and ask God to send us, use us, mold us, fuse us.
Worker bee enjoying labor in my flowers
THEY SET ASIDE STRIVING…
Do you realize the moment that you start striving to complete a work you are stepping out from under the protection grace provides? You are saying that you can do it alone and you can complete it without God, or at least mostly without God. I always think of a small child trying to open a heavy door. Every child I’ve ever seen will grasp for the door handle, stretching on their tip-toes as far as possible, and attempt over and again to open the door while an adult stands by patiently smiling and waiting for the child to give it up and step back and ask for help. I believe God is like this when we are striving to open doors. He simply stands there and waits for us to stop so He can hold the door open and let us pass through with ease. I read recently where someone wrote “When you are working God isn’t, when you stop then God starts working.” God doesn’t need our help in providing for us or for those around us. He is the Almighty and can in one word change the entire course of our lives. Joseph Prince teaches that when we begin to rest then he restores. Once we have asked God to use us we must be determined to keep to the narrow path of resting in Him and not putting any weight on our own deeds or hangups. Jesus paid the price once and for all so let’s stop focusing on our own righteousness and sin and shortcomings and rather rest in redemption.
David was a wonderful illustration of this in the bible. He knew he was anointed to be the next king of Israel yet he chose not to strive and take what was rightfully his to take. He did not kill Saul when given the opportunity, he did not militarily invade the palace and take over the kingdom God anointed him to rule, he did not even rush God in the process as he fled for his own life as a fugitive. He waited and rested and wrote psalms of praise while God worked to restore the crown for David. We know this wasn’t always an easy choice and we can hear some of the frustrations David voiced in his writing, yet again and again David claimed God as his Rock, his Fortress, and his Stronghold where he would rest and take refuge.
Some see serpents but God sees strategy
THEY OPENED THEIR HEARTS…
When trials and struggles hit it can be so hard to keep our hearts open. We tend to take everything wrong that happens to us as if God were deliberately and personally hurting us. On the other side of the spectrum we can immediately start pointing our finger at the devil and become victims in our own eyes to what we call spiritual warfare or attacks from Satan. I believe both extremes close our hearts to God. On the former, when we take what happens to us personally as if God himself were harming us we will obviously look at our Father in heaven as untrustworthy and believe that He isn’t really big enough to work in our lives to rescue us. On the other hand when we look at every unfortunate incident as if it were a spiritual attack from Satan then we close our hearts to God by believing the lie that Satan has a great extent of power over us and that God is untrustworthy, unable, or not big enough to prevent Satan from harming his people.
“And we know that in allthings God worksforthegood of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
We do not want to close our hearts to God when things get tough, but rather look for God’s opportunities, according to Fern at Discovering MErcy. Since we left the Garden of Eden we live in the chaos of the world outside of the garden that God did not intend us to live in. This doesn’t mean that we are cursed by God but instead it means that we live in the world and all its chaos and calamity as designed in creation yet even in this state God promises that He will redeem all things for our good. When we are resting and not worrying about how things will work out God will be working things together for our good. Where we see obstacles God sees strategies.
“He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Matthew 5:45
Job stood fast through the trials and the catastrophes that took place all around him. Yet in and through the process he did not curse God or close his heart to God. Job sought after God and was honest and cried out from the very depths of his soul for answers but you will note that he did not close his heart to God. In the end, as promised, God worked it out for the benefit of Job as all was redeemed seven times over.
God allows in His wisdom what He could easily prevent in His power. Graham Cooke
THEY ACTIVATED THEIR FAITH…
Once we have emptied ourselves as an offering to the Lord, asked Him to use us, and open our hearts to rest in His goodness and grace we are lined up perfectly for a walk of faith. We can truly look around and see where God is at work so that we can join in where we are called. Faith doesn’t have requirements and that is one of the things I love the most about it. Abraham didn’t have the ten commandments or the laws of sacrifice, he didn’t have a bible to reference to or the holy spirit living within him. All he had was an encounter with The Word when He appeared to him and based on that encounter Abraham stepped out in faith and believed! Abraham recognized that faith wasn’t about what he could do but through grace was about the one he worshipped, Yahweh.
I believe we get so bogged down in wondering where we are called to work for the Lord or where we can or cannot fit or what our spiritual gifting is and which ministry we are compatible to work in that we often forget that these things (bible, giftings, and gatherings) are simply tools given to us to help activate our faith. Faith is only about choosing to be led by God, wherever that leads. I think back to Gideon and how in Judges 6 God revealed His plan to Gideon and Gideon asked for sign after sign to know “it is really you talking to me” (Judges 6:17). God honored test after test for Gideon but when it came down to it Gideon still had to step out in faith with his army of only three hundred men to overtake the whole army of Midianites. Activating faith is something we cannot help doing when our hearts are open and we see God moving before us.
Asking God to use you, setting aside striving, opening your heart, and then activating your faith are patterns seen throughout the bible from the Old Testament into the New. When God calls someone he looks for the weak and the empty. He looks for the ones that will not be able to boast in their own deeds but rather give all praise and glory from the depths of their heart to the one true God. Am I qualified from my wheelchair and anxiety and anger right now to share and encourage those around me to love Jesus? NOPE! But that’s a good thing because the very thing that disqualifies me to those around me qualifies me in the eyes of my heavenly Father! Now that is good news!
He will mold us as we grow
“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.” 1 Corinthians 1:27-30
Maybe you have a history that you feel disqualifies you from sharing the gospel with those you used to hang around with. Perhaps you are struggling with a particular sin right now and feel that you are the last person that should speak out. It is possible you have broken relationships in your life and do not want to help another mediate their relationship to God. Whatever our reasons may be the fact remains that God is our object of worship and Jesus is our savior, which means we are not only qualified in His eyes but absolutely chosen. Where are you “weak” and empty? When you open your heart and look hard at those weak areas you will see through to the other side where God’s promise and victory lay. This vision of victory through Jesus will encourage your activated faith to carry you through to all His promises and goodness as you rest in restoration.
“Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even from envy and strife, but some also from good will;the latter do it out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel; the former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment.What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice. Yes I will rejoice.” Philippians 1:15-18
It doesn’t matter why we come to Jesus, why we cry out to God, or what the circumstances are when we come to Him. What matters is that when we do come to Him we are forever transformed. Even if it is the smallest micro-change or thought or feeling inside us that others do not see evidence from; the fact remains that it is there. It is simply impossible to receive a touch from God and not have it impress upon us in a way that leaves a residual anointing. That anointing of the Holy Spirit will continue to work in a special way so that long after our encounter with God we will have the fingerprint of heaven in that area of our life.
When we write our testimony or reflectively think about the woven strands in our lives leading to Christ we more than likely will realize that it was not one simple encounter with God that changed our heart and transformed our lives into followers. Most believers can point to many encounters and “fingerprints” God left in their lives and on their hearts over a period of time. These fingerprints of God may have been in the form of answered desperate prayers, healing, people sent to walk by our side, experiences in nature, unexpected and undeserved love from others, or forgiveness we didn’t deserve. God’s fingerprints in our lives can’t be limited to a paragraph. God has infinite ways to touch us and gently pull our hearts towards Him.
I’m sure that everyone has heard of the “holiday holies”, the people that only attend church on Easter/Christmas/Weddings. There is a sort of stigma around such attendance and many of us if we look deeply can be honest to admit we attach a sort of judgment around that. We are truly proud of our walk with God in weekly church attendance and judge those that may not be in the same place. One of the first questions we ask fellow Christians upon meeting is, “Where do you go to church?”, and more often than not we subconsciously (hopefully!) tally up what we perceive to be the spiritual inventory of our new friend and again attach a grade report to their spiritual well-being based on their answers. We base this on denomination, age, gender, etc. How about the newly widowed person that began attending church in her time of need and never came previously to that? Do you believe her heart is genuine or do you judge her as simply having no where else to turn? How about those that are now attending but you still “see sin” in their life outside of church? Do we believe they are under the same GRACE that we are under or do we have a distorted view of God’s grace? What about family members that we have been praying for and witnessing to for many years that show up with a God-encounter and immediately we think, “yeah but there is still X and Y and Z in their life…this can’t be for real.”
There have been times when I have heard people say, “Yes, they claim to be saved but we will see how that works out.” Or, “The nerve of them to show up at church after acting like THAT!” I’m ashamed to say that once when inviting a pre-christian to church and seeing how touched they were with the presence of God thought to myself afterwards, “why do I bother if I know it won’t even last?” If you look inside of your heart and are honest with yourself you will also recognize some of these faulty thought patterns either in your past or present.
Reflecting on our own attitudes and judgements allows God to work in our heart
I want to challenge that mindset here. I believe that every small encounter with the Lord, no matter how small or seemingly minor, will ultimately allow God to transform a life. One stitch in a garment cannot piece it together but when you total up the number of stitches from one end to the other you see the strength of the individual stitches working together to form a whole. Our encounters with Christ are like that. Each time we hear about Him, each time we attend church, each time we cry out in desperation, or came to Him for the wrong reason (maybe to get something), is a stitch that will one day be worn as a garment of praise.
“God’s commands are designed to guide you to life’s very best. You will not obey Him, however, if you do not believe Him and trust Him. You cannot believe Him if you do not love Him. You cannot love Him unless you know Him. If, however, you really come to know Him as He reveals Himself to you, you will love Him. If you love Him you will believe and trust Him.” Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King p. 22
All of the individual moments/fingerprints/stitches of God encounters in our lives are for the purpose stated above. He does this to reveal Himself so that we get to know Him. Once we know Him we will love Him. He first loved us enough to desire our love and the very best for us.
When my husband and I were watching The Passion for Easter there was one scene that stood out to me this year. It was when Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane and he was being arrested. Peter fought for Him and in doing so Peter pulled out his sword and cut off the ear of a servant of the High Priest.
“But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him.” Luke 22:51
Such a simple sentence in the Gospel, “…and healed him.” In the movie the man is completely dumbstruck and is left in the garden on his knees staring towards Jesus and holding his ear. It was such a simple and normal gesture on Jesus’ part that Luke is the only one of the gospels to mention that he was healed. Being around Jesus it is expected that He touch and heal everyone who was near Him no matter the circumstances. The man was there to arrest Jesus and it can be assumed he had the intent of seeing Jesus crucified just as the others! He did not come to Jesus in the right frame of mind and most certainly did not deserve to be standing in the presence of his savior at that moment. Yet there he was, a pawn in a war he didn’t know he was fighting for Satan, and Jesus healed him. We don’t know afterward what happened to that servant. We don’t know if he believed and was saved or if he went on to assist the mob in the kangaroo court. But we do know one thing for sure, this man was touched by Jesus and forever changed. He was an amputee and became healed, he held his ear in his hand and then it was attached again. That is one stitch towards his transforming.
One encounter with Jesus produces multitudes of seed
Paul says:
“I persecuted the followers of this Way to their death, arresting both men and women and throwing them into prison,as the high priest and all the Council can themselves testify. I even obtained letters from them to their associates in Damascus, and went there to bring these people as prisoners to Jerusalem to be punished.” Acts 22: 4-5
Paul was going from town to town persecuting Christians and he himself (a Jew) did not believe that Jesus was the Messiah. Yet there he was on the way to imprison Christians when He was met by Jesus. He was confronted, blinded, and then given instructions of where to go for prayer to be healed. In this situation we see again that Paul did not come before Christ with the right intentions. He was fighting for what he truly believed was right and good when Jesus left a fingerprint upon his heart and very literally his eyes. He did not deserve such a blessing that was later bestowed upon him in being entrusted with taking the gospel to the ends of the earth but that is what Grace is all about! Prior to this encounter he had heard about Jesus, been witnessed to, even stood by watching others be martyred and killed for Jesus. (Acts 22:20) I believe each of those instances were stitches along the way to Paul’s conversion. Each encounter with other believers and with the Truth was preparing Paul’s heart to encounter and be transformed radically on the road to Damascus. Today we enjoy nearly half of the New Testament because Paul encountered Jesus and put on the garment of praise!
“This is the word of Yahweh to Zerubbabel, saying, ‘Not by strength and not by power, but only by my Spirit,’ says Yahweh of hosts. 7 ‘Who are you O great mountain? Before[b] Zerubbabel you will become level ground, and he will bring out the top stone amid the shouts of “Grace, grace to it!”’ Zechariah 4:6-7
The bible is full of people that encountered God again and again before fulfilling their calling. Yet every mountain was leveled because of grace! Elijah ran away after a great victory and was so depressed he wanted to die; then encountered God on the way. (1 Kings 19:1-8) Moses encountered God saving his very life in Egypt but then acted out in murder and ended fleeing only to return many years later after God spoke to him through the burning bush. (Exodus) The woman at the well had a lifetime of sin and was touched by Jesus in a way that stitched transformation and finished her garment of praise as we see her become the very first missionary even before Jesus died on the cross! (John 4) Most literally, the woman suffering hemorrhages had heard about Jesus and pushed her way through the crowds so that she could touch Jesus (knowing if she just had a touch from Him she would be healed). (Luke 8:43-48) The Holy Spirit was at work each time in the lives of these people.
Like so, the Holy Spirit is at work as we pray for those around us. Each and every encounter a person has with God, by whatever means God chooses, is an impression and fingerprint that the Holy Spirit will then continue working through long after the moment has passed. In the above example of Moses, Moses had not only left the country and married a woman of another religion, but had children with her and turned his back on everything he knew. Yet still the Holy Spirit worked through those early encounters and kept Moses’ eyes on God!
Each one of us has a story that is not yet complete. Each one of us is under the law of Grace which has replaced the law of sin and death and condemnation. (Romans 8) Each person we encounter also is living under grace. Of course he/she may not yet know it but that is the truth and we must remember it. They are living under the same grace you and I are, after all, they just haven’t activated their “get out of jail free because Jesus took your place” card yet.
So let’s check our hearts and be conscience of the “church attitudes” we may be harboring towards the “holiday holies”, the ungrateful teenager, or the family member seeking truth. Let’s link our hearts to the heart of God.
“We, as Christians, must learn to live in the consistent nature of God. The Father will never change His heart toward you. Like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32), He only wants to love His children, no matter the decisions, mistakes or successes they make. When we live in that place of consistency, we get to walk with God into the unpredictable and outrageous.” Beholding and Becoming, Graham Cooke, p 8
Each stitch brings us and others closer to the beauty God intends
Just as God loves us, He loves everyone. All of us are His children and every single person we encounter is wearing a garment that is being stitched into one of praise for God. Will we be part of God’s fingerprint in the lives of those around us? Will we add our color and flare to the stitch God is making in those we meet? Will we allow the Holy Spirit to use us to express God’s love for mankind?
The Caim – an ancient Celtic prayer
CHRIST be with me
CHRIST within me
CHRIST behind me
CHRIST before me
CHRIST beside me
CHRIST to win me
CHRIST to comfort and restore me
CHRIST beneath me
CHRIST above me
CHRIST in quiet
CHRIST in danger
CHRIST in hearts of all that love me
CHRIST in mouth of friend and stranger
This poem sums it up. The fingerprint of God is all around us all the time. It is also around those we encounter as God extends stitches of grace into their lives as well. Let’s link our hearts to God’s heart of love and recognize that every encounter with God is a good encounter. Every stitch along the way will one day be worn as a garment of praise.
I want to give my readers a chance to know a little bit more about me. While some followers know me personally many more follow from afar and wonder what everyday life would be like for someone with a disability. Here is a glimpse into my life and my heart while learning how I came to be known as “Crutchprints”:
1. I am the oldest of four sisters. My three younger sisters are named Amanda, Katelyn, and Olivia. It is nice being one of four especially as we grow older and can share with one another and spend time together. Surprisingly many of the relationship dynamics that were formed as children still remain even as we have all grown our separate ways into adulthood. One year my youngest sister, Olivia, bought us all matching plaques that said, “Sisters share childhood memories and grown up dreams”. This sums it up in my heart. We still enjoy buying four of something just so we can all match and share and enjoy the same thing. Sisterhood is a bond that goes beyond strife, hard times, and reaches into our hearts as we still “play” together! Oh…and I should mention one-legged jokes abound in my family since we all share the same sense of dry humor!
2. I met my husband for the first time in a bar. Yes, you read that one right. He was in a bar, I was in a bar looking for a ride home (pre living-for-Jesus), he appeared to be a neighbor from my apartment complex and I asked him for a ride. Unfortunately the ride entailed taking what I thought was his date (just a friend) home first and when I finally ended up on my doorstep I gave him $10 and made it very clear there were NO strings attached. (As I read this I look at my wedding band and wonder just who I thought I was kidding!)
3. I am an introvert. Surprising, right?! Most people that have met or know me realize how much I love the company of friends and family and how much I enjoy talking and laughing and being a part of relationships. What most people don’t realize is that I recharge only when I am alone. After a day of activity that involves people I am so utterly exhausted it can take me up to two days of alone time to be rejuvenated. The exception to the rule: kids. I can be around kids 24/7 without needing alone time because I find kids are more resilient and able to attach\detach periodically throughout their visit which is something a lot of adults do not do.
4. Besides my amputation I have only broken one other bone (my dominant wrist) on the monkey bars in 1st grade. Being only six years old and the time frame only a year after my amputation, when I broke my wrist I was convinced I was dying. I didn’t understand how anyone could live life without a leg AND without an arm! Six weeks later when the cast came off I learned that being ambidextrous came naturally and I still sometimes write and always eat with my left hand.
5. I had the opportunity to train for the Paralympics. I was sought out for swimming, skiing, and shot-put based on my competition records in all three. I decided not to pursue the skiing after much consideration based on the expense it would be to family and the fact that I would need to move to Colorado for many months out of the year. At the time I wanted to be a normal teenager and finish school. Large chunks of my childhood memories and great stories are from the weeks of camp and competitions on the ski slopes! In the screening for Paralympics I was always forced as well to compete in the running. During these competitions and being a hip disarticulate I finished last every single time but was always cheered through the finish line by well meaning spectators. Finishing first and last truly does build character.
6. Walking in the sand is pretty hard for me in spite of my blog name. Seriously, try to walk in the sand with a fake foot or with crutches. You will sink, wear out much more quickly, and if you wear your leg in the surf water you will wash up smelling like a rotten seashell a few days later (not to mention rust your foot off). This is also one of the reasons I chose the name for my blog. As a child my joy and delight was walking in the sand and picking up seashells with my father. Even now that walking in the sand is a struggle I feel it is an accurate picture of my life as I walk with my Father in heaven picking through the treasures I find.
7. Buffets are hard for me because I have the “carry my plate” dilemma. To wear or not to wear…the leg means to “to carry my own plate” or “not carry my own plate”. A lot of buffets have slippery floors from dripping food and condensation so I have fallen many times and sprawled out in very embarrassing skirt-over-head encounters. Crutches find each slick spot just as easily but I tend not to wipe out as easily on crutches. On the other hand, when I don’t wear my leg there is the inevitable feeling of forever owing the person that had to carry your plate and judge each piece of fried chicken while they wonder how you ever can fit in that piece of pie too! Ah, so glad to have a husband that loves to carry my plate and equally loves to eat! Before having him around it was a lot harder because there have been times where my fellow diners have gotten their plates, sat down, and started to eat without realizing I was still sitting there with no food waiting for someone to help me!
8. I drive a normal car with no modifications but cannot drive a stick shift at all. Theoretically I have tried to drive a stick shift but found that since you need two feet (one for the clutch one for the gas/brake) I am out of luck. Working with three fake joints in my right leg (hip, knee, ankle) the prosthetic leg tends to be more than a little unreliable when pushing the gas. Sometimes I full-throttle and sometimes the same pressure will push my foot off the pedal altogether. So I simply drive an automatic with my left foot over my right and that has worked just fine. The Department of Transportation did not wish to grant me a permit when I was 16 because of this. They were afraid I would mix up the gas and the brake. After much arguing the point that the gas and brake never change places (so what exactly would be mixed up?) they awarded my permit without a guarantee to pass the instructors sharp eye. The day of my test I wore a long skirt and threw my fake leg over the back seat and drove for my test just fine without my leg. As I received the slip of paper with a big fat “PASS” stamped on it my instructor looked down shocked to find only one foot peeking out from under my skirt. I snatched my paper, said a great “thanks!”, and reached over his seat for my leg so I could walk inside and get my picture taken.
9. Tea parties are my favorite type of gathering. If you ever want to assure my attendance to a gathering just promise tea and some beautiful lace doilies! While my home is traditional country-kitchen décor if I ever had the chance I would change everything to floral prints, lace, and knick knacks!
10. Speaking of floral my favorite flower is the Sunflower. They are so happy and so friendly. You will find dozens of these beauties scattered all over my yard. I learned to plant them in two-week increments to ensure blooms all summer. As they push hard and grow straight up towards the sun they attract so many birds and dress up any landscape with their bright colors and varieties. I dream of seeing a field of sunflowers someday!
Thanks for reading and peeking into my life a little bit. Hopefully you enjoyed seeing the balance between normal and abnormal, humor and reality. I have a few more facts to share another time with you! Blessings to each of you as you create memories of your own this summer!
“Then Abraham lifted his eyes and looked, and there behind him was a ram caught in a thicket by its horns. So Abraham went and took the ram, and offered it up for a burnt offering instead of his son. And Abraham called the name of the place, ‘The-Lord-Will-Provide;’ as it is said to this day, In the Mount of the Lord it shall be provided.” Genesis 22:13-14
Sometimes when we look back over our life we find chunks of time that are so painful that we can’t really see God in them. We don’t know where He was or what He was doing but we surely can’t see grace or mercy manifested. Usually we shove these to the side and consider them “pre-Christian” years as we somehow rationalize that God wasn’t there because we didn’t invite him in. But it takes courage to look at our past and the hard times we have endured and ask God where He was during those times. As I learned more about grace I began to wonder about the time when I had cancer as a child and where God was during that time of my life. If grace is truly undeserved favor then why did I struggle to rationalize and understand that even then God had a plan?
Pre-amputation at Sloan Kettering Memorial Hospital
Back when I had cancer and was fighting each day for my very life and breath I felt much like I was a sacrificial lamb. Being four years old I really couldn’t say that I had lived a life that I was now facing the consequences of. I was innocent of pain and suffering up until the point when I started the process for my amputation. Even when they told me they would take my “old and sick leg” and give me a new one I didn’t really understand that the new one would be a crappy fake counterfeit. But there I was alone with just my Mom in New York City wondering why I couldn’t just give up completely. What had I done to deserve this kind of pain and prison at four years old?
Only a few months prior to this I was perfectly healthy and a beautiful little girl with golden curls while running around, climbing trees, and riding my bicycle. Now I lay in the hospital bed bald, skinny and an amputee while listening to the nurses tell my mother that if I did not eat something by 6 pm that they would consider me starving and have to force feed me through a tube. I remember being so hungry yet simply dreading the inevitable effects of eating with chemotherapy: vomiting. The vomiting caused sores in my mouth and throat, other experimental medicine caused sores in my ears and nose, even my urinary tract and rectum. No, eating or drinking wasn’t something that I was comfortable doing but in my prison of white walls and white sheets I knew the alternative of being strapped down and force-fed wasn’t any improvement. At least now I could ask to be wheeled down to the play room and watch the other kids blow their allowance on the Pac-Man arcade. I remember sighing in defeat and asking my mother if a milkshake would count as food before 6 pm.
That was 26 years ago and a real example of a day in the hospital. That wasn’t the only time they slated me for “starving”. In fact, I nearly starved myself to death on more than one occasion. It was so bad that anything I wanted to eat at any time of the day or night my Mother would go through hell or high water to try to get it for me. One night I decided I craved Fruit Loops. She went out strolling the dangerous streets of 1980’s New York City at 11pm looking for the one kind of cereal no one seemed to carry. She came back with the wonderful knock off of Trix only to have me reject them and cry myself to sleep hungry again. The list of foods I vomited and wouldn’t eat grew and with it the list of foods I enjoyed eating shrank with those memories.
God’s “File” kept by Vicki Netting
Awhile ago a lady that went to our church at the time of my cancer (Little Britain Presbyterian) dropped off a bag on my front porch. Inside there was a red binder and it wasn’t until I started to open it and sift through the papers that I began to see the meaning of it. I felt as if God was speaking to me personally; answering my questions about His presence during that era of my life. The binder was full of donation receipts, newspaper articles, thank you notes, advertisements for fundraisers, etc. It was like opening a file in God’s filing cabinet that He kept about my life and His promises to me. Here this woman, Vicki, had kept this binder and all of these things for over 25 years for the very moment when I was asking God where He had been during that time!
Having been in the hospital four and half hours away I was not present for any of the fundraisers, bake sales, auctions, benefits, etc. My mother was with me and on the weekends my father was too so I do not think any of us even knew aside from the proceeds just how much the community was doing for us. A four year old child wouldn’t grasp the enormity of such things anyway.
While my father did have health insurance it had a yearly cap that we maxed out long before September. Mom had a huge basket that she and my father would simply throw the bills into. The basket was always full and I remember her being so frustrated with them that she would periodically take the whole basket to the burn barrel and light them up. It never seemed she returned to the house looking any less burdened than when she left. I remember feeling so guilty and being so full of sadness for what I was causing my family to go through. Little outbursts from my younger sister (only 18 months and sent to stay with my grandparents for the year) reminded me even more that I was sucking up every resource that was available right down to the absence of my mom in her life.
It was an awful time. Most people think that being only four years old that I wouldn’t remember much about this time but in fact I was a sponge (like most four year olds) and I was soaking up everything that I saw and experienced. In fact, I believe many of the things I experienced were so shocking to me as an innocent child that they pushed me into a chronic state of trauma. During this time I knew God was with me because I had seen Jesus come into my hospital room one day and was reminded by everyone that He would watch over me but as far as knowing God as my provider: I had no file in my brain to understand that. The only provision up until that point I had seen were gifts from friends and an expensive counterfeit leg that felt NOTHING like the replacement I was promised. I really didn’t see how God was at work both then and for most of my life until that point.
“Jehovah-Jireh- This is more than financial provision; it is a provision of everything we might need spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Jehovah-Jireh will provide all that we need.” John Paul Jackson, Inheriting the Fullness of God’s Names p.49
Looking over the binder or “God’s file on me” I was amazed again and again at the fullness of testimony jumping off the pages. Evidence of Jehovah-Jireh the provider for my family during that time is clear. The articles explain that the events grew too quickly and had to be moved to accommodate space, that money that kept pouring in and they didn’t know why, celebrity donations were coming in to be auctioned off, and the list goes on. Before social media, the internet, or even cell phones, the large scale of those fundraisers truly is mind-blowing and points only to God’s grace.
I may not have seen how God was at work providing for us at four years old but now at thirty I am blown away at the depth of His love for me. He had a plan for my life and it was big. He had a heart for me and it was bigger. He (switching to the present) has so much grace and abundance to share with me and I look forward to understanding that more and more each day I live. It never fails to humble me when I delve into the past and get a fresh perspective on times that I and so many others view as times of pure suffering. In reality, it was during those times that God was most evident. I may not have felt like He was close and I may not have seen him there at the time but it doesn’t change the overwhelming manifestation of provision and favor.
One of the articles in the file provided a story about me climbing into my tree house for the first time.
“The first time she attempted the climb into the tree house, her mother watched anxiously from the house. ‘I saw her looking at the ladder then look around to see if anyone was watching. I wondered whether I should stop her or not. Then I saw this look of determination on her face. She took one step then another and she was up. Then she came down the slide. We haven’t been able to keep her out of it since.’”
It was a forbidden thing for a long time I remember because my parents were afraid that if I would fall going up the ladder I may bust my newly healed stump open. They had discussed cutting the tree house down since they didn’t think it possible for me to enjoy any longer. As a child the tree house built just for me by my dad was my whole world and I was sure that all of my dreaming needed to take place there! After a year of living in a hospital room I needed to feel the leaves in my fingers and laugh when my stomach dropped as I rode down the sliding board! As I stood at the bottom of the ladder and pondered those things I didn’t know my mother was watching from the window. Looking back on this story in my Mother’s words I see even here how My Provider was present. He knew my need for freedom and my need to be independent again. I believe He stood behind me and gave me the determination needed to take those impossible first steps up the ladder. Against all odds: a child missing a leg climbing a ladder? I believe He must have sent an angel to stand behind me and whisper, “This is how you can climb with one leg…!”
Jehovah-Jireh my provider. He was there then and he is here now. He has graciously allowed me this glimpse into my past to see how even in the midst of pain and suffering He was there. Pictures are proof of the smiles and joy that He miraculously gave to me and my family to get through that time. Looking back and seeing that He truly was there in the midst of things has made such a difference in my mindset of the present-future. Now I can know even more than ever that I am not condemned to a hopeless life (Romans 8:1), I am not condemned in my situations or my disability. I am not condemned in my mind because of the trauma I’ve had to endure. I am not condemned in my marriage because of the stress a disability places on it. I am not condemned to live life without seeing God’s presence in every dark corner of it. There is no condemnation because Jesus paid the price for me to live life in freedom and in joy and with the light of His presence in every corner.
Likewise, may you be blessed in seeing God in your past. Take time to think and look at the ways and the blessings He has imparted to you even in the times where you felt He was absent. May you have the courage to ask Him to show you the ways He was there in those dark times. May you see Jehovah-Jireh in the midst of your struggles both past and present, to know that He has been there in all-encompassing provision: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically each step of the way. May you be brought to the fullness of knowing that you have been resurrected with Christ and because of His sacrifice you can receive His blessing in every situation.
Alas, may you look down and see one set of footprints in the sand and know that Jesus has been carrying you the whole time.
“Every goodthing given andeveryperfectgift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
“Well what do you think, little lady?” our friend Jeff asked as he dusted off his hands and prepared to hop in his truck. “It’s beautiful, so amazing…” I managed to say. But truthfully I wanted to say so much more and inside I felt so, well, confused! Every once in a while God will do something so great that I have no file in my brain to process and file it in. This was one of those moments for me.
For the past few years we have been a part of a small group that meets bi-weekly and discusses scripture and our experiences with God. It has been such a pleasure meeting with this group as we walk and stand by one another through celebrations of births, Boy Scout awards, musical milestones among the children, and joys of life. Just the same we have stood by one another and prayed through some of the tougher times of life transitions. From the small and quiet group that started meeting three years ago we have grown into a laughing, chatting, completely transparent family that relies on one another to spur us into growth.
Now, this “family” had out-done itself, and I couldn’t even begin to wrap my head around it! I had voiced a desire to have an area to host picnics outside. Since we live on a hill there really was no level area for us to hang out and bless and serve those we love. With my home being 1200 sq ft having a group inside is pretty much out of the question. After some brainstorming at the end of the season last year and some pictures sent of a friend’s yard, I got the bright idea that we could level off the area behind our house and hang some sun shades to give a reprieve during the heat of the day. When I started shopping for sun shades I realized that our best bet would be to build a cheap pergalo-type structure even if it only lasted for a few years. I don’t remember the point I mentioned this to a friend, Tammy, in the group, but I do know that within a day her husband (a carpenter) decided that it was something he could and would like to build to bless Rick and I. Less than four weeks later I stood looking at this gorgeous pergalo that was so perfect it nearly outshined my small home as I waved goodbye to the small group men pulling out of our driveway.
Inside I was like a child. I was so excited to share our first meal underneath with our friends. I felt so loved and treasured by God realizing that He cared enough to not just give me what I asked for but to place it in Jeff’s heart to gather the nicest of beams and then the other men (Jarrett and Jeff) in the group to set aside their day to help us for free! They built something so far beyond what I had envisioned and it was beautiful! All of this just because of a desire in my heart to fellowship and have good times? “Whoa,” I thought, “God is much bigger than I realize!”
Immediately guilt started to rack my brain. “You didn’t really NEED this done…there are other things that you should have prioritized”, “Of course they all had to set aside their day and help YOU when they probably all had things they needed to do,” “Now you owe this group big time, you better start brainstorming ways to pay them back. Nothing is free in this world!” Then anxiety started to settle in and weigh my heart down as I was unsure of this new beautiful accent in my yard.
Receiving a blessing is much harder than giving one away. Why is that? Why do we not believe that we truly are children of God and He gives us wonderful things? Why do we not accept these wonderful things from the hands of His people without striving to “pay it back” and “owe nothing to no one”? Why do we look at gifts with us as the center focal point rather than as if we are partnering with God in something He is doing? Was I the only person that felt this way? Some recollection told me quickly that I wasn’t the only one. From before Jesus came to earth, since the Fall, mankind knew that every sin must be paid for and we deserve to die because of it. We have been keeping accounts ever since and remembering what we owe and to whom we owe, I believe. But when Jesus came to us and became the price for that sin, and died to settle every single one of our debts, we no longer owed. Here the battle changes from fighting to pay our debts into fighting to receive what Jesus paid for.
“Our problem is that we spend so much time telling people how to get into the Kingdom that we rarely teach them what to do once they get inside. Often we don’t know ourselves because no one has ever taught us, either. We spend so much time preaching about the door that we forget all about the palace behind it….if we get “stuck” at the door, we will never experience the fullness of the Kingdom that the Father has prepared for us.
We have to step beyond the doorway so we can discover a whole brand-new world of the riches and glory that lie within…Jesus is the shepherd who brings us into the abundant pastures of His Father’s Kingdom, but how much nourishment and refreshment we receive there is up to us. The Lord will not force-feed us. He wants us to participate fully in the joys and benefits and blessings of His Kingdom…” Myles Munroe, Rediscovering the Kingdom
The very same day and time that the men in small group were building our pergalo, I was at a Mother/Daughter brunch titled, “Princess: Daughter of the King”. Our speaker, Tammy, the wife of the man at my home building, spoke about knowing and realizing that our Father in Heaven considers each of us His daughters and she spoke of tools for walking in that freedom by recognizing the truth. The truth is: God loves me. I am His daughter. He gives good gifts to His children. He is my Father and so what Father doesn’t give His child gifts even if they don’t “need” them? What Father gives his daughter a new dress then demands she work to pay for it?
“Ariel” Princess Table at Brunch
“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:11
“El-Shaddai: ‘The Almighty God; the Double-Breasted God.’” John Paul Jackson, I AM: Inheriting the Fullness of God’s Names
When we think of a mother and a child that breast-feeds we think of nurturing, guiding, gentleness, security. God is more than just a provider for us, he is our nurturer. He is the Almighty from whom all provisions flow limitless. Is it possible I believed a lie? It seemed by the guilt and battle in my mind that I believed that I had to earn the gifts that my Father in Heaven wanted to freely give me. Did I really believe God was more than just a provider for needs but also a nurturer into abundance? My mind said yes but my anxious emotions and fear lurking under the surface betrayed the lies I was believing.
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James 4:8
Knowing and hearing these things in my mind was one thing but days later I was still feeling so confused and double-minded as the battle raged on in my heart. I knew it was as simple as choosing the Tree of Life over the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil but I still found myself trying to come up with ways to repay. I was in turmoil wondering if the small group relationships were forever destroyed and what the three men that built this thought of us. I wondered if they were angry or later regretted their time spent here on something we didn’t “need”. I wondered if I would need to duck their wives next time I ran into them for having taken so many hours of their time. As I sought God about it I only received the same four words from Him each time, “It was a gift.” No more, no less. “It was a gift.” How frustrating, I thought, when I’m asking for help to reconcile this in my head and understand how it is somehow OK for me to simply accept this and live in a place of blessing.
“When man ate of the Tree of Knowledge, his attention became focused upon himself and he began to think of himself as the center of the universe. Every child born after the fall inherited this deception. Our little problems and ambitions completely dominate our minds until we are converted. Then, as we begin to see the Kingdom of God, our perspective is changed….Walking in truth is walking with God. As our vision of His kingdom is clarified, the things of earth do grow dim. The things that are invisible to the natural man become more real to us than things that are seen.” Rick Joyner, There were Two Trees in the Garden
1 Corinthians 2:14-15
There it was again, the word Truth – the word that has been spoken to me by a friend over and over again recently, and spoken by David Takle in The Truth about Lies and the Lies about Truth. Freedom = God’s truth replacing the false beliefs in my own mind.
I started to realize at this point that God’s truth is that He placed it in my heart to want to serve and bless others at our home in good times of fellowship. He has a message of encouragement to impart to others as they come to our home and break bread with us. He can use me to speak to the heart of each person that comes here in a special way that will bring forth life and eternal value. The truth is that each person that was here helping build that shading pergalo sowed into the Kingdom. The Holy Spirit placed it in their heart to join in with what God plans to do and they sowed into that in a way that only God’s people can do. While they did not come here with the mindset of sowing, but rather simply providing a kind service unto the Lord and His people, their deeds were not in vain. While I do not yet know who God will bring here to be blessed and receive encouragement and refreshment I do know that in realizing these truths I became very excited to partner with Him in this.
Kingdom mindsets are mindsets of Grace. We don’t have many “files” in our minds for processing these things naturally because we aren’t born with them. Honestly, many of us aren’t even taught how to live in grace. But as we seek out God’s truth and receive the blessings He bestows on us through others we will start to “get it”. The grooves in our brains will begin to rewire and reconnect and each time we will see God’s truth a little more quickly and clearly. It is so freeing to realize that He simply gave us a great gift and that we can be stewards of that gift to multiply His kindness to others. Not because we “owe” that to our Father (or the people he used to build it), but because having truly received His love gift, now it is bubbling over inside and we want to share it!
Immanuel Church, Wilmington 2015
My entire life I have said no to so many gifts but this past year I have been humbled and forced to accept several. It truly has become the most rewarding experience of my thirty years. When others pass on to me something that God placed on their heart to give, then there is a relationship and bridge of unity built between us that God can continue to work through. Furthermore, whatever is received on my end is a humble reminder that every good thing comes from God and nothing I have is because I have done something to deserve it.
So who am I? A daughter of the King. Jesus brought the Kingdom to earth and we are to pray each day to be the vessels of seeing the Kingdom manifest on earth as it is in Heaven. As Mile Munroe explains we are living in the palace because of Jesus, our door. A child of the King must receive gifts and also distribute these provisions as well. It’s time to think bigger than us. It’s time to get the focus off of us, our life, our ideas, our IOU’s, and shift them onto the bigger focus of joining in God’s plans and purposes.
Someone in small group challenged the rest of us a few weeks ago to spend a moment each morning dedicating our day to the Lord. That small act of taking the focus off of what I want to accomplish and thinking about what God wants to do in His kingdom (that I live in) has grounded me in truth and kept me living in the Spirit throughout the day. I believe when we live in truth we are partaking of the Tree of Life. As Rick Joyner’s book is titled, There Were Two Trees in the Garden, and the Tree of Life brings forth such wonderful fruit that we will not want anything else! (Galatians 5:22)
I’m not sure who will show up today for some encouragement, but the sun is shining and the flowers are planted under the pergalo. I’m ready for anything God wants to place in front of me.
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe”. Ephesians 1:18
*Special thanks to Tammy and Jeff Vible, Meredith and Jarrett Hostetter, Rachel and Jeff Craig for sowing into the Kingdom and allowing me to come into greater freedom in my relationship with Christ through realizing the blessing in receiving.
If you are interested in further reading on Truth and Kingdom Mindsets I highly recommend:
The Truth About Lies and the Lies About Truth by David Takle
The third “Man’s Perspective” article I am writing in regards to romance and marriage is from a friend of mine named Joel. Joel McCubbin and his wife Vickie have been married for nearly 50 years and they have a lot of wisdom and insight which I feel will encourage a very broad base of my audience. In this article we are exploring the same questions asked in previous situations with the backdrop of temporary disability.
Joel and his bride Vickie
Vickie has undergone two periods where she battled temporary disability in the form of cancer and pneumonia. Joel himself has had to allow Jesus to guide him each day through care giving (as he prefers to label his caretaking) while working through his own personal diagnosis of bipolar disorder and chemical depression. God has seen them through their journey in many miraculous ways that Joel, a former teacher, recounts to me via messenger. Hearing their love story I was reminded that millions of women battling breast cancer and facing mastectomies and insecurities could use a dose of encouragement from Joel as well.
Without further ado I will let Joel take the stage and tell the story in his own words.
How has your love changed as you transitioned from being married to a woman without a disability to being married to her with a disability?
Disability is one of those words that are difficult to define. My wife, Vickie, is someone that has been temporarily disabled twice, and has the scars to show from it, but at this time even though there have been permanent physical changes, I do not think that either of us would consider her disabled and yes, it is something that we talked about before I attempted to answer these questions.
In 1996, after being married for over thirty years, having three children whose ages varied from seven to 20, who still lived at home, Vickie was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 54. Her breast care specialist and surgeon and her local oncologist both recommended a radical mastectomy to be followed by intense chemo and radiation. I have a first cousin who is an oncologist in another state and I also sought out his advice. I was surprised at his conservative approach as he considered a mastectomy to equate to amputation and wanted us to consider a lumpectomy as an alternative. Ultimately, because of the location of her tumor she, we, elected to go ahead with the mastectomy and applied for a protocol that would be a study that either led to a bone marrow transplant or to what was classified as standard chemo which would be determined by a blind draw. I immersed myself in studying and finding out anything that I could about breast cancer and assumed a role as caregiver. When Vickie had her surgery it was determined that she had 16 positive lymph nodes of the 20 that were tested. That was when I first began to realize how grave the situation was and how great the possibility was that I might lose my wife. As far as how our love changed, I really think that it was strengthened by the fact that we both realized she was in a fight for her life. I am borrowing a phrase here, but I think she literally changed the actual scars she had into stars with her courage. What someone else might have seen as ugly I saw as beauty. I really do not think she ever felt uncomfortable with me seeing her with one breast. Miraculously she recovered and within two years was doing everything she had done before cancer and more.
In 2003, on the day before Christmas Eve, Vickie was taken from her doctor’s office by ambulance to the hospital ER. What had been diagnosed previously as bronchitis was determined to be a very rare pneumonia of unknown origin. The last words I heard from her in 2003 was a request, “Will you wash my feet?” She went to sleep that day and was in a coma for almost three weeks altogether. I never lost hope, but I had to make major adjustments. The cancer she had was life threatening, but this was different and more threatening. She could die any day. It was like I had become a single parent. Molly, now 27, had moved out, Jon was in college, but was home for the holidays, and Matthew was in middle school. Physically, there was little that I could do except try to keep things together at home. I had a lot of help and support…I mean a lot. We always had food on the table, transportation for Matthew, and spiritual and emotional support from church family, Vickie’s school colleagues, and the local Emmaus community. I spent eight to sixteen hours a day with her, read Psalm 91 from the Message almost daily, played “Give Me Jesus” by Fernando Ortega around the clock (until someone burned a CD of other Christian artists), tried to keep a diary, and just prayed. On day 20, while Jon and I were with her, watching a football play-off game, I made some off-hand remark such as, “Wow, did you see that play?” Jon responded, “Dad, Dad!” and I replied, “Yeah, wasn’t that something!”
“No Dad, you do not understand,” he was a little miffed with me, “Mom squeezed my hand.”
The nurse confirmed that she had indeed. A couple more days in ICU, followed by a couple more days in primary care, and then a week at the Rehab Center across the street, and finally, one month to the day from the day she first entered the hospital she came home. It would be another six to eight weeks before she returned to teaching, but sometime in April, after Easter, she did just that.
Neither the cancer nor the pneumonia created a lasting disability as paralysis might or as a leg or arm amputation might, so as time passed in both cases my role as caregiver changed and became less and less.
Do you ever feel frustrated with having to be in the role of caretaker? Explain…
My biggest frustration came as my caregiver role diminished. A friend from church whose husband had died of cancer leaving her with a young child said it best. “Joel, it is not the big things that get me down, it is the little things day to day that do it.” I understand, in crisis the adrenaline and endorphins kick in, and I did pretty well. As time passed everything caught up with me.
After being married for almost 50 years do you feel being able vs being disabled affects the core of a relationship?
Financial situations affect the core, children affect the core, job stability affects the core, who might be the primary wage earner affects the core, and yes, health and disability affect the core. The actual situation is not the problem; it is the reaction of both the caregiver and the disabled one that affects the relationship. It can be positive and it can be negative or it may just be more of the same old thing it has always been. For Vickie and me, I really believe it is more about being able to totally rely upon our Creator, our God and our LORD. If He brought us to it, He will bring us through it.
Men are created to build and fix things. As a man how do you deal with and handle being unable to “fix” your wife’s disability?
That was her father, not me. He was amazing as a builder and fixer. Me? Not so much. But emotionally, sometimes my fix-its do not turn out well. Vickie and I had some of her worst fights because she would be upset at someone or something and I would try to fix it by having her to look at it from the other person’s perspective. That never turned out well for me. As far as dealing with illness and disability, there was nothing I could do except to learn to rely upon prayer.
Did you get bored with not being able to do more physical activities (i.e. hiking, dancing, walking far, etc.) together?
Bored? Absolutely not. I’ve got more “guy time” than I have ever had; she is the same with “the girls”, then we have our time, but sometimes I have too much of my alone time when I wish it could be more of our time. I do need alone time like now, or anytime I am writing, when I am trying to respond to these questions.
Joel and Vickie spending time with their young granddaughter
Does attraction change with physical deformities?
As I have said before, her scars have been transformed into stars. There are times I still see the twenty-two year old with whom I first fell in love. I think I have fallen in love with her again in the last year. And I fell in love with her a few times, no, make that many times, in the in-between years. Almost fifty years it has been and it is all because God is good, all the time. Were there bad times? Of course there were.
How do you feel society and “models” create an unhealthy standard of what love/physical attraction really is?
Have you ever seen a Viagra commercial? I was going to say it is not all about “Intense Arousal”. Holding hands, kissing, backrubs and foot rubs, back rubs and massage, snuggling, and spooning are all really nice. Did I mention backrubs?
What would you say to a young disabled and single girl who may feel she is deformed and love will not ever find her?
I would say much the same thing that I would say to any single person, male or female, young or old. The apostle Paul said it is better to be single to carry out the LORD’s work. Practice agape love, practice phileo love. Examine what the bible has to say about eros love. DON’T JUMP IN BED WITH SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE HE TAKES YOU OUT ON A DATE.
How do you feel about people staring at your spouse? A lot of our society models after a “trophy wife” mentality that sets up women to be objectified or lusted/coveted after when looked at but being with a disabled wife the looks of envy turn to looks of pity…how do you see that in your mind?
Not really applicable for me, us. But if I may be allowed a side comment, I had to go back to your earlier post and look for it. I cannot imagine anyone having a look of pity for you or Rick, as I look at you standing at the top of some steps in that blue dress with that high heel sandal. You said it in your caption. “Then he said to me… ‘Babe, you ARE my normal…’”
Are there times when your wife seems to emotionally disconnect and isolate from you for whatever reason (low confidence, pain, etc.)? How do you help her to reconnect to you?
It is really just the opposite. That is where we, Vickie and I do a flip-flop and it is my disability of having bi-polar disorder and dealing with chemical depression.
Is it difficult to transition from the role of caretaker to the role of romantic interest?
I am struggling with the word caretaker in place of caregiver. Caregiving as in Giving Care is just something you give as you would give a gift of any kind. That transition seems fairly natural I think.
How can you be attracted to someone that obviously looks so different on the outside?
I was and am pretty self-conscious about my eyes, which were crossed at birth, corrected surgically somewhat when I was six, but now that I am older I have muscle weakness that has me looking outward with one eye or the other just the opposite of crossed-eyes. Around the house that is pretty normal [for Vickie to be braless without her prostheses]. OK, I liked the “girls” as my sister calls them, but with or without prosthetic breasts she looks really good to me.
Inevitably when care taking in close proximity you will “step on toes” and hit boundaries with your loved one…thoughts on this?
Maybe, there has been a time or two where she has one of her really close “girl friends” wanting to help with the caregiving and I have felt a little jealous at being left out. I got over it. I had to be careful that I did not jump in too much during doctor visits. There again is that man thing about wanting to fix-things
Is there any particular scripture or time that God has spoken to you throughout your relationship and helped to guide you into the married couple you are now?
Ephesians 5:25, where it says…. ”Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”
Back in March I was asked to share and speak at the Sister’s in Christ event at Lancaster Bible College. It was an event where women all over the county came together in worship and adoration of God’s love and glory. Besides being a wonderful time they also recorded my story to share with you all! There is a lot of humor sprinkled throughout this story and a beautiful blessing for you at the end.
It has been awhile since I posted a poem. This one was given to me a few months ago and I wanted to share this with you. A friend, Joel McCubbin, also helped me to revise and get the “flow” of this song down pat!
Praying as you read this you will relate and find yourself in communion with our Savior.
Where My Heart is Bleeding
Where my heart is bleeding I know you tarry there
When I feel I’ve lost myself that’s when you show you care
Your heart was broken for my heart to heal
It may take forever for that truth to reveal
Torn, broken, and dirty I stumble and cry
But looking up there you meet me eye to eye
Your goodness and your kindness will show me through
The truth is in your blessings that always accrue
The bleeding will stop as you trade my heart of stone
For the heart of flesh your hand assures I’m never alone
The look of your glory and the train of your robe
Now I am seeing you holding the globe
You are wrapped in light and burning so bright
You gently trade my darkness and wrap me in white
The rainbow of promise the streets of pure gold
All of the splendor that you have foretold
I know and retreat to the inner place of peace
Trusting each moment that my new heart you’ll keep
Oh great weaver of life and great master of time
Use your precious thread in my life and align
Each stitch together with colors you’ve chosen
Coming together as the potter works moldin’
Bring forth this vessel that was my bleeding heart
Show me how to live completely apart
From my selfish desires and whims of the flesh
For this heart you have died for wants only the best
Where my heart is bleeding I know you tarry there
When I feel I’ve lost myself that’s when you show you care
