There are times I hear stories from friends or acquaintances and want to reach out and letthem know that they are experiencing Psychological Abuse. Of course it is not always easily said, especially when a person is not yet ready to hear the truth or ready to recognize it (let alone stand up for themselves in it). During the holidays we can easily become trapped in our own social circles responding the same way we have always responded as if we are programmed. Because of this, I find it an appropriate time to publish the below comprehensive list of behaviors that may constitute abuse. Half of the battle can sometimes be recognizing the signs and understanding why something “just didn’t feel right in the gut”.
Seeing/identifying abuse and choosing to not be lackadaisical about removing yourself from the situation will be imperative and can also save a lot of tension at social gatherings as well as creating boundaries that will protect your own heart. Sometimes removing yourself will be getting in the car and leaving while other times it may be cutting off the conversation abruptly. No matter what response the Holy Spirit leads you to in these situations my prayer is that you will take care of YOUR heart and treat it as Jesus would.
Blessings to each of you during this holiday season!
Secrets, Lies, Betrayals – Maggie Scarf p56-57
Recognizing Psychological Abuse
What are the specific behaviors that constitute emotional abuse? One of the most illuminating answers to this question, at least in my opinion, is that provided by a Boston-based human rights organization called Peace at Home, Inc. In the comprehensive Warning List that this group has drawn up, a particular cluster of behaviors is identified as abusive—behaviors seen in situations where ongoing psychological assaults on the mate, but not necessarily any physical attacks are taking place.
Again, it should be emphasized that in the majority of cases the victim has no conscious knowledge that anything “abusive” is actually happening; far more often she is blaming herself and her own failings for the fact that the relationship feels so flawed and ungratifying. For, over time, the abuser’s sense of his own legitimate power, control, and essential “rightness” has continued to expand, while his partner’s sense of her self-esteem and competence has undergone a process of attrition. She may be feeling bad, lost, guilty, isolated, and despairing; she may be suffering from fierce headaches, painful stomach troubles, a sense of constant tension, heart palpitations, fatigue, or back or neck problems; but all to rarely will she make the connection between her mental and bodily state of being and anything so alien sounding as “emotional maltreatment”.
The Peace at Home, Inc. Warning List
Destructive Criticism/Verbal Abuse: Name calling; mocking; accusing; blaming; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures.
Abusing Authority: Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are “the truth”); telling you what to do; making big decisions without consultations; using “logic”.
Disrespect: Interrupting; changing topics; not listening or responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of other people; saying bad things about your friends and family.
Abusing Trust: Lying; withholding information; cheating on you; being overly jealous
Emotional Withholding: Not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention, or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights, or opinions.
Breaking Promises: Not following through on agreements; not taking a fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with child care and housework.
Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: Making light of disturbing behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn’t happen; shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; saying you caused it.
Pressure Tactics: Rushing you to make decisions though “guild tripping”; sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating the children; telling you what you must do.
Intimidation: Making angry or threatening gestures; use of physical size to intimidate; standing in doorway during arguments (as if to block the way out); outshouting you; driving recklessly (to scare the partner, even put her in fear for her life).
Destruction: Destroying your possessions (such as furniture); throwing and/or breaking things.
“Revive. Rejuvinate. Restore.” These three words jump out from the online heading of WooHoo Ministries homepage. Woohoo! We hear The Good News so often that many times we forget how full of joy that message is and how it has set us free. Woohoo! For this post we welcome Tawn Battiste from Woohoo Ministries. Tawn is from Peach Bottom, PA and has recently retired from being a classroom teacher for 33 years. She is married, has four full-grown children (plus a few furry ones), and according to her website is the most enthusiastic follower of Jesus you will ever meet.
Tawn Battiste of WooHoo Ministries
Tawn has also been a long time speaker for Sister’s in Christ (a local and free women’s ministry event) which is where I first encountered her as a guest speaker. Tawn has a way of drawing in her audience and creating an environment so that each individual present feels as if she is speaking only to them. Her gift of sharing and speaking from a place of peace and joy helps her to be a magnet for women all over whether she is leading them at a retreat, sharing at an event, or simply conversing over tea in her sun room. Her creativity and teaching practice coupled with the radiance of joy allows us to see the Lord through her.
Many readers to this blog have come from some hard backgrounds where trauma was prevalent and the post-trauma symptoms continue to be reinforced. Others have come from places of bad choices and repercussions of such. And still more readers are weary from the daily grind of life which is rewarding yet no less difficult. No matter what the background story is for you, dear reader, I know you will be blessed in hearing a little bit from Tawn. She “gets it” and has overcome in Christ. Furthermore, she has a desire to teach us about strongholds in our lives and how we can bring those to the Cross of Jesus and leave them behind.
In a few weeks Wesley Church (Quarryville, PA) will be hosting a free event that will be led by Tawn and WooHoo Ministries. The conference is titled: “What Shackles Are You Wearing and Why? Let’s Get Rid of Them!!!” This will most certainly cause us each to self-examine areas in our own lives that we are not aligned with right believing as well as encourage us to continue on our journey towards freedom. Freedom really is free: Woohoo!
Let’s jump right in and talk to Tawn:
Crutchprints – Your WooHoo Ministries home page states that you specifically want to address the joy available through the Lord. For so many that is a foreign concept. What does joy look like to you?
Tawn – Many people would define joy as a feeling of exuberance, or feeling upbeat and in a good mood all the time. This is simply not possible! Maybe it’s someone who is naturally optimistic and goes through each day as a Pollyanna of sorts? No! Each of these scenarios involves feelings, and feelings are dependent on circumstances, people and situations. They are temporary at best. Joy, instead, is dependent on God. It is knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is in control of every part of our lives, and He is for us. It is walking confidently in that knowledge, knowing that everything, EVERYTHING, is going to be all right and praising Him in and through every situation.
Crutchprints – From what I gather WooHoo Ministries is designed to encourage others on their journey through life issues. Part of that journey can be strongholds. What is a stronghold and how is that different from an everyday struggle/issue?
Tawn – I believe a stronghold is an area in our life where sin captivates and controls us. It is where our carnal nature is allowed to flourish. Everyday struggles are the beginning of strongholds. We make a decision of our will which then can emotionally attach us, further binding us to the sin we initially chose. What begins as a small foothold of sin may be confessed, but then we continue to embrace it. We begin to feel comfortable in it and eventually rationalize and defend it. We can then justify it and we become blind to it; thus it grows from a struggle to a stronghold.
Crutchprints – Can you give us an example of how God took a stronghold in your life and gave you freedom and joy?
Tawn – Sexual sin was very pervasive in my life at a young age. What started as an innocent reading of a book truly began a trail of movement from reading romance novels to soft porn in the written word. (Much of what is written in this area for women is deeply descriptive and allows for visual imagery in one’s mind) As I began to read God’s word, I was deeply convicted, but it was years of pervasive imagery and thought life, so it took years to undo this stronghold.
Crutchprints – I understand you are a birdwatcher. What appeals to you about this hobby and does it connect with you on a spiritual level? How so?
Tawn – My bird watching is part of my spiritual journey, to be sure. First of all, I am able to enjoy the splendor and creativity of the Creator. I sit in awe of the work of His hands as I study and appreciate each type of feathered friend who joins me. Secondly, it allows me ‘still’ time, extended periods of time when I can not only speak to God but wait and listen as He responds. Too often, I think we expect to hear God above the din of everyday life rather than quieting our treadmills of existence and turning towards his ever ready and waiting wisdom.
Crutchprints – Your life verse is Psalm 37:4 (Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart). Many women/men have been faithful to the Lord for years and not yet experienced the manifestation of their desires met. What do you say to them?
Tawn – Taking delight in the Lord, for me, means that my heart finds peace and fulfillment in Him. When I ‘delight’ in the things of the Lord, my desires will align with His will for my life. It has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Him. Afterall, we are here not for our fulfillment but to glorify Him. We are not born to be happy, but to be holy. As we grow and mature in our faith, and as we imitate God (Ephesians 5:1), our focus is no longer on ourselves.
Too often, I believe people consider this a wish list promise of sorts, and they feel defeated when they don’t gain wealth, status, a job, a mate, or material items they desire. Delighting in the Lord, in and of itself, is a true treasure. This world can never satisfy our deepest longings, but if we choose to delight in God’s way, He will always provide above and beyond our expectations.
Crutchprints – For people in the midst of their journey now, how can they receive joy on the inside even when their outside circumstances don’t reflect it? What are some steps to receiving and choosing this joy?
Tawn – There is much to steal joy from our everyday lives; discouragement, guilt, shame, anxiety, sadness, unforgiveness and fear just to name a few. The largest robber of our joy, in my opinion, is busyness, but that’s another entire tome of its own. How then can we live?
The acronym J.O.Y. (Jesus, Other, Yourself) can help us learn how to choose joy. First, we live and focus on Jesus: we follow His example, and we lay aside our own plans for His. How do we follow His example? We need to KNOW Him. Personally, deep down and for real.
How can we get to know Him? Most importantly, we get to know Him through reading and studying His word. We pray and discern His voice amidst the throng of our culture. And we learn to quiet our lives so we are able to hear Him. This is not to say there is a checklist to complete. It is more about allowing Him to take lead in all areas of your life, from awakening until sleep. Picture a wheel, if you may, and each spoke is an area of your life (kids, marriage, worship, errands, work, etc.) Jesus is the center of the wheel and without Him, the wheel is useless.
Secondly, we think of O.-Others. Walk in love for others. Do and say what is best for others. This is where our walk must match our talk. Putting others’ needs above our own is essential. As we do this, our ‘fruit’ grows and matures! Woohoo! (1 John 3:16-18)
Finally, we think of the Y. YOU. What are we to do? We disciple, serve, and have fellowship. We worship and give thanks. We adopt an attitude of gratitude. We work out our salvation with endurance and strength. We let lose our hurts, habits and hang-ups and lessen the enemy’s grip on us. And we always conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.
NONE of this can be done of our own will. We must accept Him as Savior so that the Holy Spirit lives within us and grants us power.
Crutchprints – I understand you will be hosting an event on November 14, 2015 called “What Shackles Are You Wearing and Why? Let’s Get Rid of Them!!!”, (See end of article for details). What can an attendee expect from being present at this event?
Tawn – We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) We have all done things we shouldn’t have done, said things we shouldn’t have said, wronged people and never made it right, and seem to easily see others’ sins while being blinded to our own. We have insecurities, fears, doubts and anxiety. All of these can be shackles we wear which hold us back from what God has planned for our lives.
An attendee at this retreat can expect to hear sound teaching, but they’ll also have to look introspectively at their own lives and discern some shackles. They will have opportunities to share as well. (IF they so desire). We will affirm promises of God, chew on scripture highlighting strength and courage, discuss ‘casting’, relish the fact that we are justified, sanctified, and can be trained in the mind of freedom. And hope! “Our hope is found in nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness”! Woohoo!
(I’m not giving more….gonna have to come and find out! J)
Crutchprints – Aside from this event and being a longtime speaker for Sister in Christ events you also lead women’s retreats on a regular basis. Tell me about your experience at these events?
Tawn – My retreats began as an inkling in my mind decades ago when a friend initially encouraged me to facilitate one for her home church. At that time, I conceptualized Woohoo Ministries and even joked about naming it such because I was constantly excited and yelling ‘woohoo’ at the retreat.
Fast forward ten years and a retirement from teaching, and God spurred me towards making the dream reality. (with MUCH help from friends who believed in me— often times more than I believed in myself)
I enjoy leading retreats because I feel I was born to teach; and what better topic than Jesus?? I get so excited!! Sharing experiences and struggles with women allows for openness and honesty. I feel women’s greatest needs at this time are being true to who they are in Christ, sharing doubts and troubles, and being transparent with one another. This enables us to pray for one another, encourage one another and meet each other on the rough roads we all travel.
I am often reminded of the responsibility of being a teacher and all it entails. For this reason, I have a team of prayer warriors who lift the ministry and lay a foundation for my engagements. The women attending are prayed for, my words are prayed for and my message is prayed for. I can do nothing without Him.
Crutchprints – While being a very public leader and woman in our community I have also heard you speak about another “behind the scenes” ministry you provide. Can you tell us a little about what you do?
Tawn – Since my retirement in 2014, I had little time to think of what I should do because God provided purposes for me almost daily. I began by helping at a flower farm that has a stand at Central Market in Lancaster. I was given ‘leftover’ flowers or bouquets and began delivering them to patrons at local restaurants. It’s quite fulfilling to hand a flower to someone and simply state “God loves you. Have a great day!” I delivered to Turkey Hills, banks, retirement communities, and local stores. It brought much smiles and some tears.
Secondly, because of the burden I always felt as a working mother with four kids and having to have dinner on the table, I began to deliver meals or desserts to different families. I began with families I know, but then I asked for names on Facebook and received names/addresses so I could deliver as a surprise. What fun! I also gave to mechanics, postal workers, checkout ladies at the supermarket, and anyone to whom God directed me.
I believe everyone can do a random act of daily kindness. It may be an anonymous note on a desk, a coupon for a pizza, a surprise piece of candy with a smiley face, a note of encouragement, a smile, a hug, letting someone out in traffic, holding a door open for a stranger, or buying coffee for the person in front of you! The list is endless. Truly, if you ask God for idea, He will give them! And certainly, if children see their parents doing this and become part of it, they will come up with their own ideas. Woohoo!! Lead by example!
Crutchprints – As a woman leading a ministry, events, and retreats can you help us understand the need for balancing those things with your marriage and family? Does your role in the community raise a standard of expectation from those closest to you?
Tawn – I am the first to admit that I could not be doing as much as I am if I had young children. I am in a season of life that gives me much flexibility in my scheduling. I even have neighbors who will feed the dogs if the need arises!
Before I began my ministry, my husband gave me the green light. I would not have done it without his blessing. He is a great encouragement and prays for me when possible before each retreat or engagement.
My role has raised a standard of expectation from my family and close friends, but I believe this is a good thing. I desire to walk as Christ, so accountability is a good thing! In fact, the more the better for me. I need those who will come by my side and give hard truths when needed. Iron sharpens iron, and I desire to be sharpened.
Humility is easiest with the realization that Christ is in charge. He is in control of every engagement I receive, every word I speak, and every new relationship I make. I truly could not do this on my own. (if you knew all my insecurities, you would understand). As He continues to peel away the layers of them, I am amazed beyond measure at His faithfulness, His grace, and His unconditional love. Woohoo!!
*If you are interested in hearing more about Tawn and her ministry please visit her website by clicking here.
**If you are interested in attending the free event for women at Wesley Church (1104 Kirkwood Pike, Quarryville, PA) on Saturday, November 14, 2015 (8am -4pm) please see the below information and contact Jodi Conklin (717-475-0403) for your free reservation.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
Hope Deferred
The verse above hit me like a ton of bricks. Now, I GET it. So many years I have heard this verse preached as a form of medicine to treat depression or hard times. Even more often I have thought with pride that I do have hope because, after all, it is a fruit of the Spirit and the Holy Spirit is within me. Am I not the most positive person that any of my friends have ever met? If anyone was living in hope I most certainly thought that it was me.
Without hope I don’t even want to hold my head up!
Then my husband and I signed up to partake in a bible study course at church. The title of this course was “There’s More” and was taught by fellow members of the congregation. I have been through several courses that were supposed to change my entire outlook on life and flip my perspective upside down and right side out so when this one started to poke and pinch me in places I wasn’t comfortable my knee-jerk reaction was “Hey! What’s going on here??!! Why is this coming up NOW?”
Homework for the course consisted of working on a timeline of my life. “Piece of cake,” I thought, “I’m only 30 this will be a breeze…” (As I secretly felt pity for the sweet 75 yr old sitting next to me having to make her own “ginormous” life-line.) We were encouraged to mark our timelines in color so that our pain points may be one color, happy memories another, vital lessons, influential people, etc. As I began my line I could see it slowly molding into one long RED line of pain, and it hurt. Why in 30 years was there so much pain for a child of God? There was pain starting at 4 years old, way too young to blame consequential choices. I started to realize that this was a question I have held deep down my entire life.
When we gathered for our next session we were encouraged to look over our timeline and look back over our life to see the way that God was the common thread and had woven our lives together with purpose. We were encouraged to look at the pain points and see how they worked out for the greater good. Meanwhile I was sitting there thinking, “Ok, should I call them over to see my line because truly there is simply one bad thing after the next on here…surely they can’t mean God had a hand in ANY of that?!”
So of course my journey began of allowing this small bit of unbelief surface in the pond of my heart so the great Fisher of Men could skim off the algae that had been toxically growing, unbeknownst to me, my whole life. Did I really believe there was no hope for me? Did I really believe that God wasn’t bigger than all the pain points in my life?
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…” Romans 8:1a
As the days and weeks and months progressed after this I realized that when I was most frustrated it was usually because I was relying on myself and my own ability rather than remembering that Christ’s righteousness replaces the condemning, hopeless, and depressing attitudes. Because of Him there is now hope for my situation. The battle is the Lord’s yet thirty years had taught me that the Lord “helps those that help themselves” and I had taken that way out of context to the point of battling for the Lord and sometimes even with the Lord for my own control.
With this new attitude in my heart of slowly recognizing (Repent = go back, change your mindset, go forward) the different ways in which my heart had been void of hope I worked up enough courage to revisit my timeline. There was just no way that I could imagine God had been at work through the pain. Fighting Cancer, losing a leg, losing my childhood, untreated post traumatic stress disorder, destructive behaviors (symptoms of PTSD), diagnosis of diabetes, thyroid issues, second surgery on what was left of my leg forcing me to drop education, apartment fire, and currently a cracked rib and sitting in a wheelchair….the list goes on. Was God really in the middle of this?
As I obediently took one last look at my timeline before giving up I noticed something. All of the red (pain points) started to change to green (good memories) about eight years ago. Rather than being a solid red line I started to see a dramatic change and there was suddenly more green than red. The red moments still were there because in the past eight years I have experienced pain along with the rest of humanity, but something was different. In my spirit I heard the Lord give me the answer to what changed: Hope of Redemption. Three simple words that helped me to know that somewhere I started believing there is hope because of Him who is faithful. I thought back to a sermon once preached where we were told, “How much faith do you need to have? Just enough to keep praying…Have faith not for the answer of your prayer but that God is faithful and desires good for us.”
Hope of Redemption
Variations of the word “Redeem” (on a quick BibleGateway search) occurs 107 times in the bible and variations of “redemption” anther 24 times. Redemption is no strange topic to God’s people!
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s gracethat he lavished on us.” Ephesians 1:7
Looking over the past six months God had been working this truth into my heart. He had been massaging it in gently with His word, His voice, and surrounding me with the message of hope and grace. I came to realize the truth is that He is the same God today that ruled over the blessings of the Old Testament people thousands of years ago. Jesus came to fulfill the law, becoming the consequences Theron, so that those blessings could be attained by you and me. Now if that does not bring hope, what will?
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm—my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.
Joel 2:25-26
What were these blessings in the Old Testament that Jesus died to let us partake in?
“If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the Lord your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your ancestors.He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land—your grain, new wine and olive oil—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land he swore to your ancestors to give you. You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor will any of your livestock be without young. The Lord will keep you free from every disease. He will not inflict on you the horrible diseases you knew in Egypt, but he will inflict them on all who hate you.” Deuteronomy 7:12-15
Jesus came to fulfill the law since we are unable to keep all the commands and we are unable to make ourselves holy. Jesus fulfilled all the commands of the law as the Holy One because He was perfectly righteous. He then declared that it was finished and passed that righteousness on to us. We can live in the blessings of God according to the things God promised! It is the basis of what we believe as Christians and yet a message that seems foreign to so many of us when the rubber meets the road. (Matthew 5:17-18) (Romans 4:5) (Romans 8:10,17) (Romans 10:4)
Learning about redemption and God’s heart to see each of us restored in His goodness and by His grace gave me a conscience thought of hope in each situation and pain point encountered. While it may not be true to say bad things never will happen to me again (I’ve experienced bad things since originally writing this article!), I now look at them knowing that if I go through something I view as a negative experience then God’s promises will meet me on the other side of it.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
Hope Redeemed
According to Dictionary.com the word “deferred” means: “Postponed or delayed. Suspended or withheld for or until a certain time or event.”
When I look at the definition of deferred in the context of Proverbs 13:12 I can see how my hope was postponed until the past eight years. Rather than relying, trusting, and adhering to God and believing in the grace provided to me through Jesus I believed I was condemned to a life of pain. I pushed off and delayed hope because I was afraid of future disappointment. My heart became hardened towards the light of hope as I experienced pain and I can see clearly the moment on my life’s timeline that I began to have hope. Hope that God loved me, hope that He really did want the best for me, hope that He would fight for me if I would simply be still. It wasn’t just positive thinking, I have always had that. It was a small spark in my heart that dared me to believe that God was in control of my life and He wanted the best for me. Through the eight years since there have been more causes for celebration as I cling to this hope than the 24 years prior. As my character deepens and it is revealed to me each day how Jesus died for me to live today, I am living in hope; not condemned. I am receiving His righteousness and grace while passing on His love because in doing that it just may light a spark of hope in another.
Hope has been redeemed in my life. I have spent the majority of the summer in a wheelchair and struggled through some very difficult and humbling times unable to do some basic chores like cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping. (Not to mention my passion of walking/gardening/canning!) But hope was redeemed prior to this and every moment of my time spent in a chair was an opportunity for me. I read, I prayed, I crocheted gifts, and I allowed God to speak to me in new ways. He set up a vacation/reprieve for my husband and I at the ocean that was a gift from and with friends. He provided a way for me to get back to New York City to the best doctor in the nation for my amputation. He provided a mobile scooter that would fit in our small home and allow me to have independence both in and out of the house that I didn’t have before that. Each time something happened my hope soared and my heart was healed a little more as I saw the goodness and grace provided rather than the condemnation/depression/hopelessness I would have felt otherwise.
In your life, I wonder, what areas do you feel condemned or hopeless? Is hope deferred (postponed, delayed, withheld) in any area of your life? Sometimes visiting the most basic of messages can pull our roots deeper in Christ and allow us to reach a new level of freedom and reliance in our lives. I encourage each of my readers today to think about this in an open mind and with an open heart: How are my actions evidence of hope deferred rather than of longings fulfilled by what Jesus did in grace?
Why I Traded Candy Crushing for Embroidery – 1 Year Later (Update)
Many of you remember my previous article on this subject. The update here is based on the original article which you can find by clicking here.
It has been a full year since I decided to give up computer games and Facebook games. Being the wife of a Truck Driver I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand the test of time due to the long hours I spend alone here. Truly this experiment has surprised me and my husband as I have not once faltered or even been tempted to download a new game app!
I find myself more positive than ever as I am quick to process the activities of my day while embroidering, crocheting, and loom knitting. Even when I am down in the dumps finishing a project will instantly lift my spirits and give me the same sense of satisfaction that I receive when exercising! Of course I cannot prove the science behind this but it has proven true in my own experience time and again. Throughout this process I have branched out and learned new techniques, stitches, patterns, and challenges in ways that grow my skills and keep me thinking outside of the box. Another positive thing about this is that I always have an arsenal of gifts to give away and bless others with. I used to scramble for a hostess gift but now have a closet full of options and ways to bless others in a way that goes beyond the simplicity of spending money. Even my dogs are finding some fresh apparel from some of my “ends”.
Speaking of my arsenal of finished projects, it is way too large. That is the sole down-side to this experiment (hoarding yarn certainly doesn’t count as a downside, right?). I must now find a place to sell many of the blankets and bigger items that I have made. While many become gifts for loved ones and are made with their particular color palette in mind, many more are combinations that I found on sale and put together during the long evenings I spend alone. But who is going to complain about having things to sell and make a little cash to cover cost?
All in all I can honestly say I feel a rewarding sense of peace and a stretch of my gift in giving during this past year. So if you find yourself watching TV a lot during the winter (I now will leave the television or music on in the background sometimes) and want something to show for your time spent I encourage you to buy a loom kit or find a friend that knows how to embroider/crochet and get started. Donating to the homeless, making your own gifts, and having so much to show for your time will reward you and bring you closer to God’s heart than you ever have been.
When someone is getting a new prosthetic device customized (especially at a hip-level) there are a few weeks of trial and error where the patient wears the new leg out and about while taking notes about any discomfort. As time goes on the prosthetist may stick a pad in here or trim a little from the leg there; whatever it takes to allow maximum comfort and optimum functionality.
It was during this time frame of testing out a new leg that this story takes place. You see, taking up a few hours of my doctor’s time one Friday there was one simple fix we didn’t have time to squeeze in. He loosely glued and stuck a foam pad into the area that the leg was pinching me and sent me out the door so that I could test it out before making it permanent.
Of course there was no problem with the pad (or pinching) when I was home alone and no one was in sight. Instead, I was at a picnic to celebrate the gender reveal of our (now) goddaughter that wardrobe malfunction struck. Innocently standing in line waiting for another drink of water in the heat of the sun I turned to make conversation with the three big and young guys standing behind me. Just as I turned I heard a light “plop”.
Oh yes, it was “the pad”. It fell straight out the bottom of my cute picnic dress and laid there staring up at me and these young strangers from between my feet like the white nightmare that it was. I looked down horrified as my mind quickly pondered the best course of action to take. Do I pick it up and show it to them, explaining what it is? How do I explain “the pad” is really something that belongs to my fake leg?! Do I ignore it and pretend this never happened? Their horrified and curled up lips silently revealed that road would not be the least bumpy to take. I mean really. What could I say in this situation that would be remotely believable! What would you think if you were standing there and the lady in front of you had a white pad fall out of the bottom of her dress?
Not knowing how to react and cursing the fact there is no “leg malfunction etiquette” manual for amputees I simply bent over mumbling an “oops” and busted out laughing as I realized how screwed my reputation was from there forward. Even in my laughter I must confess to making an immediate beeline for my husband just to make it clear to those young fellas that no matter how disgusting they perceived me I was loved by SOMEONE!
Perhaps there is a “Prosthetic Device Malfunction Manual” to be written after all…
#1. Have your Prosthetist Paste in All PADS!
#2. In the case a pad falls out of your leg in public…
The past several weeks I have been struggling with back pain on top of everything else. Not the typical ache but excruciating stabbing pain taking place in muscular areas. The doctor decided that my fake leg and forearm crutches were responsible for the healing lapse and advised me to “get off my foot” and use a wheelchair for a few days to allow my muscles to recover with some medicinal assistance. Sitting in a wheelchair, unable to walk or even push myself around in my little “chariot” gave me a lot of time for reflecting and also left a lot of room for sadness. (I am a highly active person so being told I must sit still for days at a time was a nightmare.)
Prior to the diagnosis I had been struggling with writing as of late since my confidence seemed to have taken a slight spiral downward. The past few months I suddenly began to feel unqualified to write or share what God has put in my heart to share with others. I had begun to feel that perhaps with my own personal struggles I was not “healed” enough inside to properly write and speak. Each time I had a physical or emotional flare-up such as anger, back pain, or PTSD symptoms, this belief of not having “arrived” at the place of being capable to properly minister to others concreted itself in my mind. To top off those doubts there had been backhanded comments and put downs from people around me which reminded me immediately of Job’s friends and how they could not stand by him supportingly in his time of trial but rather pointed out his weaknesses instead. Even though I knew I am called to write and share I still wondered inside of my heart, “Is it true? Are they right? Perhaps I truly don’t know enough about the bible and I am imagining the things I think God puts in my heart? Maybe my timing is off? Maybe I didn’t hear God?”
“Mysheep listen to myvoice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27
With all fairness to reality it has been tough lately and would be taxing on anyone not just me. You, my readers, know more than anyone how difficult it can be to be disabled and limited in every way both inside and outside of the body. The medicine to help me heal was basically knocking me out for several hours each day and then as I awoke I would spend a few more hours in a zombie-like state coming to. My husband had to assume the household and lawn chores that I usually took care of behind the scenes all the while holding down his job as a truck driver. We were offered help by several people but it just seemed to be easier emotionally and mentally to hold down the fort on our own. You better believe that I was frustrated and angry throughout the process of not being able to walk or move or enjoy canning the fresh produce pouring in from our garden. All of those things seemed to beat to the drums in my head of “you’re unqualified, you’re unwise, you’re unfit, and you’re unworthy”.
Yet as the clouds lifted in my mind I started to see the truth: God does not choose the strong, the healed, the “wise”; he chooses the EMPTY so He can fill.
When I saw the above sticker I realized how true the headline statement is. If I believe I must be qualified for God to use me then I am in this for the wrong reasons: pride and recognition. If others believe I must have certain notches on my belt as far as healing or struggles or memory verses prior to being used by God then they are not reflecting the law of grace. Anyone that makes us feel as if we need a formula to gain acceptance/cleanliness or freedom from sin is not preaching grace. Even those that feel they alone have heard God’s wisdom for everyone around them and obnoxiously bully their points are clearly missing the truth that each of us is His sheep and we each hear his voice individually for our own lives (John 10:27). In my last article I spoke about grace and how each of us is under grace whether or not we recognize it. Grace isn’t about anything that we can do or go through but only about what Christ already went through for all of us. Dr Michael S. Heiser teaches that the bible was not written by a bunch of men zapped and taken over by the Holy Spirit in a trance-like state. It was written by real men that lived in the true struggles and circumstances of everyday life. Circumstances that were conditioned and controlled by Yahweh. The Holy Spirit inspired the biblical writers while he used their minds and bodies and experiences in total conscience awareness to dictate the scripture as we know it. When I think about that and then revisit the image above reviewing all of the character “weaknesses” I am amazed that God’s perfection came through such imperfect people.
God chooses the empty. God chooses the weak. God chooses the broken. Do I qualify to be chosen? Do you? In skimming many of the biblical stories I noticed a simple pattern in the lives of those chosen by God:
THEY ASK…
It seems each person and prophet used by God consciously emptied themselves and stood before God in their weak and fragmented states while making a choice to be used. They wanted to be chosen and they wanted to be God’s hands and feet on earth.
“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Sendme!’” Isaiah 6:8
Isaiah was ready to rumble! He was standing in the presence of the divine council and yet seeing God in all His glory Isaiah wasn’t focused on his own weaknesses or shortcomings but was rather enraptured in the majesty of God and wanted to join in His work. When we keep our eyes on Jesus and the fact that we are saved by grace and covered by His righteousness we too can stand boldly before the divine council and ask God to send us, use us, mold us, fuse us.
Worker bee enjoying labor in my flowers
THEY SET ASIDE STRIVING…
Do you realize the moment that you start striving to complete a work you are stepping out from under the protection grace provides? You are saying that you can do it alone and you can complete it without God, or at least mostly without God. I always think of a small child trying to open a heavy door. Every child I’ve ever seen will grasp for the door handle, stretching on their tip-toes as far as possible, and attempt over and again to open the door while an adult stands by patiently smiling and waiting for the child to give it up and step back and ask for help. I believe God is like this when we are striving to open doors. He simply stands there and waits for us to stop so He can hold the door open and let us pass through with ease. I read recently where someone wrote “When you are working God isn’t, when you stop then God starts working.” God doesn’t need our help in providing for us or for those around us. He is the Almighty and can in one word change the entire course of our lives. Joseph Prince teaches that when we begin to rest then he restores. Once we have asked God to use us we must be determined to keep to the narrow path of resting in Him and not putting any weight on our own deeds or hangups. Jesus paid the price once and for all so let’s stop focusing on our own righteousness and sin and shortcomings and rather rest in redemption.
David was a wonderful illustration of this in the bible. He knew he was anointed to be the next king of Israel yet he chose not to strive and take what was rightfully his to take. He did not kill Saul when given the opportunity, he did not militarily invade the palace and take over the kingdom God anointed him to rule, he did not even rush God in the process as he fled for his own life as a fugitive. He waited and rested and wrote psalms of praise while God worked to restore the crown for David. We know this wasn’t always an easy choice and we can hear some of the frustrations David voiced in his writing, yet again and again David claimed God as his Rock, his Fortress, and his Stronghold where he would rest and take refuge.
Some see serpents but God sees strategy
THEY OPENED THEIR HEARTS…
When trials and struggles hit it can be so hard to keep our hearts open. We tend to take everything wrong that happens to us as if God were deliberately and personally hurting us. On the other side of the spectrum we can immediately start pointing our finger at the devil and become victims in our own eyes to what we call spiritual warfare or attacks from Satan. I believe both extremes close our hearts to God. On the former, when we take what happens to us personally as if God himself were harming us we will obviously look at our Father in heaven as untrustworthy and believe that He isn’t really big enough to work in our lives to rescue us. On the other hand when we look at every unfortunate incident as if it were a spiritual attack from Satan then we close our hearts to God by believing the lie that Satan has a great extent of power over us and that God is untrustworthy, unable, or not big enough to prevent Satan from harming his people.
“And we know that in allthings God worksforthegood of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
We do not want to close our hearts to God when things get tough, but rather look for God’s opportunities, according to Fern at Discovering MErcy. Since we left the Garden of Eden we live in the chaos of the world outside of the garden that God did not intend us to live in. This doesn’t mean that we are cursed by God but instead it means that we live in the world and all its chaos and calamity as designed in creation yet even in this state God promises that He will redeem all things for our good. When we are resting and not worrying about how things will work out God will be working things together for our good. Where we see obstacles God sees strategies.
“He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Matthew 5:45
Job stood fast through the trials and the catastrophes that took place all around him. Yet in and through the process he did not curse God or close his heart to God. Job sought after God and was honest and cried out from the very depths of his soul for answers but you will note that he did not close his heart to God. In the end, as promised, God worked it out for the benefit of Job as all was redeemed seven times over.
God allows in His wisdom what He could easily prevent in His power. Graham Cooke
THEY ACTIVATED THEIR FAITH…
Once we have emptied ourselves as an offering to the Lord, asked Him to use us, and open our hearts to rest in His goodness and grace we are lined up perfectly for a walk of faith. We can truly look around and see where God is at work so that we can join in where we are called. Faith doesn’t have requirements and that is one of the things I love the most about it. Abraham didn’t have the ten commandments or the laws of sacrifice, he didn’t have a bible to reference to or the holy spirit living within him. All he had was an encounter with The Word when He appeared to him and based on that encounter Abraham stepped out in faith and believed! Abraham recognized that faith wasn’t about what he could do but through grace was about the one he worshipped, Yahweh.
I believe we get so bogged down in wondering where we are called to work for the Lord or where we can or cannot fit or what our spiritual gifting is and which ministry we are compatible to work in that we often forget that these things (bible, giftings, and gatherings) are simply tools given to us to help activate our faith. Faith is only about choosing to be led by God, wherever that leads. I think back to Gideon and how in Judges 6 God revealed His plan to Gideon and Gideon asked for sign after sign to know “it is really you talking to me” (Judges 6:17). God honored test after test for Gideon but when it came down to it Gideon still had to step out in faith with his army of only three hundred men to overtake the whole army of Midianites. Activating faith is something we cannot help doing when our hearts are open and we see God moving before us.
Asking God to use you, setting aside striving, opening your heart, and then activating your faith are patterns seen throughout the bible from the Old Testament into the New. When God calls someone he looks for the weak and the empty. He looks for the ones that will not be able to boast in their own deeds but rather give all praise and glory from the depths of their heart to the one true God. Am I qualified from my wheelchair and anxiety and anger right now to share and encourage those around me to love Jesus? NOPE! But that’s a good thing because the very thing that disqualifies me to those around me qualifies me in the eyes of my heavenly Father! Now that is good news!
He will mold us as we grow
“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.” 1 Corinthians 1:27-30
Maybe you have a history that you feel disqualifies you from sharing the gospel with those you used to hang around with. Perhaps you are struggling with a particular sin right now and feel that you are the last person that should speak out. It is possible you have broken relationships in your life and do not want to help another mediate their relationship to God. Whatever our reasons may be the fact remains that God is our object of worship and Jesus is our savior, which means we are not only qualified in His eyes but absolutely chosen. Where are you “weak” and empty? When you open your heart and look hard at those weak areas you will see through to the other side where God’s promise and victory lay. This vision of victory through Jesus will encourage your activated faith to carry you through to all His promises and goodness as you rest in restoration.
“Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even from envy and strife, but some also from good will;the latter do it out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel; the former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment.What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice. Yes I will rejoice.” Philippians 1:15-18
It doesn’t matter why we come to Jesus, why we cry out to God, or what the circumstances are when we come to Him. What matters is that when we do come to Him we are forever transformed. Even if it is the smallest micro-change or thought or feeling inside us that others do not see evidence from; the fact remains that it is there. It is simply impossible to receive a touch from God and not have it impress upon us in a way that leaves a residual anointing. That anointing of the Holy Spirit will continue to work in a special way so that long after our encounter with God we will have the fingerprint of heaven in that area of our life.
When we write our testimony or reflectively think about the woven strands in our lives leading to Christ we more than likely will realize that it was not one simple encounter with God that changed our heart and transformed our lives into followers. Most believers can point to many encounters and “fingerprints” God left in their lives and on their hearts over a period of time. These fingerprints of God may have been in the form of answered desperate prayers, healing, people sent to walk by our side, experiences in nature, unexpected and undeserved love from others, or forgiveness we didn’t deserve. God’s fingerprints in our lives can’t be limited to a paragraph. God has infinite ways to touch us and gently pull our hearts towards Him.
I’m sure that everyone has heard of the “holiday holies”, the people that only attend church on Easter/Christmas/Weddings. There is a sort of stigma around such attendance and many of us if we look deeply can be honest to admit we attach a sort of judgment around that. We are truly proud of our walk with God in weekly church attendance and judge those that may not be in the same place. One of the first questions we ask fellow Christians upon meeting is, “Where do you go to church?”, and more often than not we subconsciously (hopefully!) tally up what we perceive to be the spiritual inventory of our new friend and again attach a grade report to their spiritual well-being based on their answers. We base this on denomination, age, gender, etc. How about the newly widowed person that began attending church in her time of need and never came previously to that? Do you believe her heart is genuine or do you judge her as simply having no where else to turn? How about those that are now attending but you still “see sin” in their life outside of church? Do we believe they are under the same GRACE that we are under or do we have a distorted view of God’s grace? What about family members that we have been praying for and witnessing to for many years that show up with a God-encounter and immediately we think, “yeah but there is still X and Y and Z in their life…this can’t be for real.”
There have been times when I have heard people say, “Yes, they claim to be saved but we will see how that works out.” Or, “The nerve of them to show up at church after acting like THAT!” I’m ashamed to say that once when inviting a pre-christian to church and seeing how touched they were with the presence of God thought to myself afterwards, “why do I bother if I know it won’t even last?” If you look inside of your heart and are honest with yourself you will also recognize some of these faulty thought patterns either in your past or present.
Reflecting on our own attitudes and judgements allows God to work in our heart
I want to challenge that mindset here. I believe that every small encounter with the Lord, no matter how small or seemingly minor, will ultimately allow God to transform a life. One stitch in a garment cannot piece it together but when you total up the number of stitches from one end to the other you see the strength of the individual stitches working together to form a whole. Our encounters with Christ are like that. Each time we hear about Him, each time we attend church, each time we cry out in desperation, or came to Him for the wrong reason (maybe to get something), is a stitch that will one day be worn as a garment of praise.
“God’s commands are designed to guide you to life’s very best. You will not obey Him, however, if you do not believe Him and trust Him. You cannot believe Him if you do not love Him. You cannot love Him unless you know Him. If, however, you really come to know Him as He reveals Himself to you, you will love Him. If you love Him you will believe and trust Him.” Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King p. 22
All of the individual moments/fingerprints/stitches of God encounters in our lives are for the purpose stated above. He does this to reveal Himself so that we get to know Him. Once we know Him we will love Him. He first loved us enough to desire our love and the very best for us.
When my husband and I were watching The Passion for Easter there was one scene that stood out to me this year. It was when Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane and he was being arrested. Peter fought for Him and in doing so Peter pulled out his sword and cut off the ear of a servant of the High Priest.
“But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him.” Luke 22:51
Such a simple sentence in the Gospel, “…and healed him.” In the movie the man is completely dumbstruck and is left in the garden on his knees staring towards Jesus and holding his ear. It was such a simple and normal gesture on Jesus’ part that Luke is the only one of the gospels to mention that he was healed. Being around Jesus it is expected that He touch and heal everyone who was near Him no matter the circumstances. The man was there to arrest Jesus and it can be assumed he had the intent of seeing Jesus crucified just as the others! He did not come to Jesus in the right frame of mind and most certainly did not deserve to be standing in the presence of his savior at that moment. Yet there he was, a pawn in a war he didn’t know he was fighting for Satan, and Jesus healed him. We don’t know afterward what happened to that servant. We don’t know if he believed and was saved or if he went on to assist the mob in the kangaroo court. But we do know one thing for sure, this man was touched by Jesus and forever changed. He was an amputee and became healed, he held his ear in his hand and then it was attached again. That is one stitch towards his transforming.
One encounter with Jesus produces multitudes of seed
Paul says:
“I persecuted the followers of this Way to their death, arresting both men and women and throwing them into prison,as the high priest and all the Council can themselves testify. I even obtained letters from them to their associates in Damascus, and went there to bring these people as prisoners to Jerusalem to be punished.” Acts 22: 4-5
Paul was going from town to town persecuting Christians and he himself (a Jew) did not believe that Jesus was the Messiah. Yet there he was on the way to imprison Christians when He was met by Jesus. He was confronted, blinded, and then given instructions of where to go for prayer to be healed. In this situation we see again that Paul did not come before Christ with the right intentions. He was fighting for what he truly believed was right and good when Jesus left a fingerprint upon his heart and very literally his eyes. He did not deserve such a blessing that was later bestowed upon him in being entrusted with taking the gospel to the ends of the earth but that is what Grace is all about! Prior to this encounter he had heard about Jesus, been witnessed to, even stood by watching others be martyred and killed for Jesus. (Acts 22:20) I believe each of those instances were stitches along the way to Paul’s conversion. Each encounter with other believers and with the Truth was preparing Paul’s heart to encounter and be transformed radically on the road to Damascus. Today we enjoy nearly half of the New Testament because Paul encountered Jesus and put on the garment of praise!
“This is the word of Yahweh to Zerubbabel, saying, ‘Not by strength and not by power, but only by my Spirit,’ says Yahweh of hosts. 7 ‘Who are you O great mountain? Before[b] Zerubbabel you will become level ground, and he will bring out the top stone amid the shouts of “Grace, grace to it!”’ Zechariah 4:6-7
The bible is full of people that encountered God again and again before fulfilling their calling. Yet every mountain was leveled because of grace! Elijah ran away after a great victory and was so depressed he wanted to die; then encountered God on the way. (1 Kings 19:1-8) Moses encountered God saving his very life in Egypt but then acted out in murder and ended fleeing only to return many years later after God spoke to him through the burning bush. (Exodus) The woman at the well had a lifetime of sin and was touched by Jesus in a way that stitched transformation and finished her garment of praise as we see her become the very first missionary even before Jesus died on the cross! (John 4) Most literally, the woman suffering hemorrhages had heard about Jesus and pushed her way through the crowds so that she could touch Jesus (knowing if she just had a touch from Him she would be healed). (Luke 8:43-48) The Holy Spirit was at work each time in the lives of these people.
Like so, the Holy Spirit is at work as we pray for those around us. Each and every encounter a person has with God, by whatever means God chooses, is an impression and fingerprint that the Holy Spirit will then continue working through long after the moment has passed. In the above example of Moses, Moses had not only left the country and married a woman of another religion, but had children with her and turned his back on everything he knew. Yet still the Holy Spirit worked through those early encounters and kept Moses’ eyes on God!
Each one of us has a story that is not yet complete. Each one of us is under the law of Grace which has replaced the law of sin and death and condemnation. (Romans 8) Each person we encounter also is living under grace. Of course he/she may not yet know it but that is the truth and we must remember it. They are living under the same grace you and I are, after all, they just haven’t activated their “get out of jail free because Jesus took your place” card yet.
So let’s check our hearts and be conscience of the “church attitudes” we may be harboring towards the “holiday holies”, the ungrateful teenager, or the family member seeking truth. Let’s link our hearts to the heart of God.
“We, as Christians, must learn to live in the consistent nature of God. The Father will never change His heart toward you. Like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32), He only wants to love His children, no matter the decisions, mistakes or successes they make. When we live in that place of consistency, we get to walk with God into the unpredictable and outrageous.” Beholding and Becoming, Graham Cooke, p 8
Each stitch brings us and others closer to the beauty God intends
Just as God loves us, He loves everyone. All of us are His children and every single person we encounter is wearing a garment that is being stitched into one of praise for God. Will we be part of God’s fingerprint in the lives of those around us? Will we add our color and flare to the stitch God is making in those we meet? Will we allow the Holy Spirit to use us to express God’s love for mankind?
The Caim – an ancient Celtic prayer
CHRIST be with me
CHRIST within me
CHRIST behind me
CHRIST before me
CHRIST beside me
CHRIST to win me
CHRIST to comfort and restore me
CHRIST beneath me
CHRIST above me
CHRIST in quiet
CHRIST in danger
CHRIST in hearts of all that love me
CHRIST in mouth of friend and stranger
This poem sums it up. The fingerprint of God is all around us all the time. It is also around those we encounter as God extends stitches of grace into their lives as well. Let’s link our hearts to God’s heart of love and recognize that every encounter with God is a good encounter. Every stitch along the way will one day be worn as a garment of praise.
I want to give my readers a chance to know a little bit more about me. While some followers know me personally many more follow from afar and wonder what everyday life would be like for someone with a disability. Here is a glimpse into my life and my heart while learning how I came to be known as “Crutchprints”:
1. I am the oldest of four sisters. My three younger sisters are named Amanda, Katelyn, and Olivia. It is nice being one of four especially as we grow older and can share with one another and spend time together. Surprisingly many of the relationship dynamics that were formed as children still remain even as we have all grown our separate ways into adulthood. One year my youngest sister, Olivia, bought us all matching plaques that said, “Sisters share childhood memories and grown up dreams”. This sums it up in my heart. We still enjoy buying four of something just so we can all match and share and enjoy the same thing. Sisterhood is a bond that goes beyond strife, hard times, and reaches into our hearts as we still “play” together! Oh…and I should mention one-legged jokes abound in my family since we all share the same sense of dry humor!
2. I met my husband for the first time in a bar. Yes, you read that one right. He was in a bar, I was in a bar looking for a ride home (pre living-for-Jesus), he appeared to be a neighbor from my apartment complex and I asked him for a ride. Unfortunately the ride entailed taking what I thought was his date (just a friend) home first and when I finally ended up on my doorstep I gave him $10 and made it very clear there were NO strings attached. (As I read this I look at my wedding band and wonder just who I thought I was kidding!)
3. I am an introvert. Surprising, right?! Most people that have met or know me realize how much I love the company of friends and family and how much I enjoy talking and laughing and being a part of relationships. What most people don’t realize is that I recharge only when I am alone. After a day of activity that involves people I am so utterly exhausted it can take me up to two days of alone time to be rejuvenated. The exception to the rule: kids. I can be around kids 24/7 without needing alone time because I find kids are more resilient and able to attach\detach periodically throughout their visit which is something a lot of adults do not do.
4. Besides my amputation I have only broken one other bone (my dominant wrist) on the monkey bars in 1st grade. Being only six years old and the time frame only a year after my amputation, when I broke my wrist I was convinced I was dying. I didn’t understand how anyone could live life without a leg AND without an arm! Six weeks later when the cast came off I learned that being ambidextrous came naturally and I still sometimes write and always eat with my left hand.
5. I had the opportunity to train for the Paralympics. I was sought out for swimming, skiing, and shot-put based on my competition records in all three. I decided not to pursue the skiing after much consideration based on the expense it would be to family and the fact that I would need to move to Colorado for many months out of the year. At the time I wanted to be a normal teenager and finish school. Large chunks of my childhood memories and great stories are from the weeks of camp and competitions on the ski slopes! In the screening for Paralympics I was always forced as well to compete in the running. During these competitions and being a hip disarticulate I finished last every single time but was always cheered through the finish line by well meaning spectators. Finishing first and last truly does build character.
6. Walking in the sand is pretty hard for me in spite of my blog name. Seriously, try to walk in the sand with a fake foot or with crutches. You will sink, wear out much more quickly, and if you wear your leg in the surf water you will wash up smelling like a rotten seashell a few days later (not to mention rust your foot off). This is also one of the reasons I chose the name for my blog. As a child my joy and delight was walking in the sand and picking up seashells with my father. Even now that walking in the sand is a struggle I feel it is an accurate picture of my life as I walk with my Father in heaven picking through the treasures I find.
7. Buffets are hard for me because I have the “carry my plate” dilemma. To wear or not to wear…the leg means to “to carry my own plate” or “not carry my own plate”. A lot of buffets have slippery floors from dripping food and condensation so I have fallen many times and sprawled out in very embarrassing skirt-over-head encounters. Crutches find each slick spot just as easily but I tend not to wipe out as easily on crutches. On the other hand, when I don’t wear my leg there is the inevitable feeling of forever owing the person that had to carry your plate and judge each piece of fried chicken while they wonder how you ever can fit in that piece of pie too! Ah, so glad to have a husband that loves to carry my plate and equally loves to eat! Before having him around it was a lot harder because there have been times where my fellow diners have gotten their plates, sat down, and started to eat without realizing I was still sitting there with no food waiting for someone to help me!
8. I drive a normal car with no modifications but cannot drive a stick shift at all. Theoretically I have tried to drive a stick shift but found that since you need two feet (one for the clutch one for the gas/brake) I am out of luck. Working with three fake joints in my right leg (hip, knee, ankle) the prosthetic leg tends to be more than a little unreliable when pushing the gas. Sometimes I full-throttle and sometimes the same pressure will push my foot off the pedal altogether. So I simply drive an automatic with my left foot over my right and that has worked just fine. The Department of Transportation did not wish to grant me a permit when I was 16 because of this. They were afraid I would mix up the gas and the brake. After much arguing the point that the gas and brake never change places (so what exactly would be mixed up?) they awarded my permit without a guarantee to pass the instructors sharp eye. The day of my test I wore a long skirt and threw my fake leg over the back seat and drove for my test just fine without my leg. As I received the slip of paper with a big fat “PASS” stamped on it my instructor looked down shocked to find only one foot peeking out from under my skirt. I snatched my paper, said a great “thanks!”, and reached over his seat for my leg so I could walk inside and get my picture taken.
9. Tea parties are my favorite type of gathering. If you ever want to assure my attendance to a gathering just promise tea and some beautiful lace doilies! While my home is traditional country-kitchen décor if I ever had the chance I would change everything to floral prints, lace, and knick knacks!
10. Speaking of floral my favorite flower is the Sunflower. They are so happy and so friendly. You will find dozens of these beauties scattered all over my yard. I learned to plant them in two-week increments to ensure blooms all summer. As they push hard and grow straight up towards the sun they attract so many birds and dress up any landscape with their bright colors and varieties. I dream of seeing a field of sunflowers someday!
Thanks for reading and peeking into my life a little bit. Hopefully you enjoyed seeing the balance between normal and abnormal, humor and reality. I have a few more facts to share another time with you! Blessings to each of you as you create memories of your own this summer!
“Then Abraham lifted his eyes and looked, and there behind him was a ram caught in a thicket by its horns. So Abraham went and took the ram, and offered it up for a burnt offering instead of his son. And Abraham called the name of the place, ‘The-Lord-Will-Provide;’ as it is said to this day, In the Mount of the Lord it shall be provided.” Genesis 22:13-14
Sometimes when we look back over our life we find chunks of time that are so painful that we can’t really see God in them. We don’t know where He was or what He was doing but we surely can’t see grace or mercy manifested. Usually we shove these to the side and consider them “pre-Christian” years as we somehow rationalize that God wasn’t there because we didn’t invite him in. But it takes courage to look at our past and the hard times we have endured and ask God where He was during those times. As I learned more about grace I began to wonder about the time when I had cancer as a child and where God was during that time of my life. If grace is truly undeserved favor then why did I struggle to rationalize and understand that even then God had a plan?
Pre-amputation at Sloan Kettering Memorial Hospital
Back when I had cancer and was fighting each day for my very life and breath I felt much like I was a sacrificial lamb. Being four years old I really couldn’t say that I had lived a life that I was now facing the consequences of. I was innocent of pain and suffering up until the point when I started the process for my amputation. Even when they told me they would take my “old and sick leg” and give me a new one I didn’t really understand that the new one would be a crappy fake counterfeit. But there I was alone with just my Mom in New York City wondering why I couldn’t just give up completely. What had I done to deserve this kind of pain and prison at four years old?
Only a few months prior to this I was perfectly healthy and a beautiful little girl with golden curls while running around, climbing trees, and riding my bicycle. Now I lay in the hospital bed bald, skinny and an amputee while listening to the nurses tell my mother that if I did not eat something by 6 pm that they would consider me starving and have to force feed me through a tube. I remember being so hungry yet simply dreading the inevitable effects of eating with chemotherapy: vomiting. The vomiting caused sores in my mouth and throat, other experimental medicine caused sores in my ears and nose, even my urinary tract and rectum. No, eating or drinking wasn’t something that I was comfortable doing but in my prison of white walls and white sheets I knew the alternative of being strapped down and force-fed wasn’t any improvement. At least now I could ask to be wheeled down to the play room and watch the other kids blow their allowance on the Pac-Man arcade. I remember sighing in defeat and asking my mother if a milkshake would count as food before 6 pm.
That was 26 years ago and a real example of a day in the hospital. That wasn’t the only time they slated me for “starving”. In fact, I nearly starved myself to death on more than one occasion. It was so bad that anything I wanted to eat at any time of the day or night my Mother would go through hell or high water to try to get it for me. One night I decided I craved Fruit Loops. She went out strolling the dangerous streets of 1980’s New York City at 11pm looking for the one kind of cereal no one seemed to carry. She came back with the wonderful knock off of Trix only to have me reject them and cry myself to sleep hungry again. The list of foods I vomited and wouldn’t eat grew and with it the list of foods I enjoyed eating shrank with those memories.
God’s “File” kept by Vicki Netting
Awhile ago a lady that went to our church at the time of my cancer (Little Britain Presbyterian) dropped off a bag on my front porch. Inside there was a red binder and it wasn’t until I started to open it and sift through the papers that I began to see the meaning of it. I felt as if God was speaking to me personally; answering my questions about His presence during that era of my life. The binder was full of donation receipts, newspaper articles, thank you notes, advertisements for fundraisers, etc. It was like opening a file in God’s filing cabinet that He kept about my life and His promises to me. Here this woman, Vicki, had kept this binder and all of these things for over 25 years for the very moment when I was asking God where He had been during that time!
Having been in the hospital four and half hours away I was not present for any of the fundraisers, bake sales, auctions, benefits, etc. My mother was with me and on the weekends my father was too so I do not think any of us even knew aside from the proceeds just how much the community was doing for us. A four year old child wouldn’t grasp the enormity of such things anyway.
While my father did have health insurance it had a yearly cap that we maxed out long before September. Mom had a huge basket that she and my father would simply throw the bills into. The basket was always full and I remember her being so frustrated with them that she would periodically take the whole basket to the burn barrel and light them up. It never seemed she returned to the house looking any less burdened than when she left. I remember feeling so guilty and being so full of sadness for what I was causing my family to go through. Little outbursts from my younger sister (only 18 months and sent to stay with my grandparents for the year) reminded me even more that I was sucking up every resource that was available right down to the absence of my mom in her life.
It was an awful time. Most people think that being only four years old that I wouldn’t remember much about this time but in fact I was a sponge (like most four year olds) and I was soaking up everything that I saw and experienced. In fact, I believe many of the things I experienced were so shocking to me as an innocent child that they pushed me into a chronic state of trauma. During this time I knew God was with me because I had seen Jesus come into my hospital room one day and was reminded by everyone that He would watch over me but as far as knowing God as my provider: I had no file in my brain to understand that. The only provision up until that point I had seen were gifts from friends and an expensive counterfeit leg that felt NOTHING like the replacement I was promised. I really didn’t see how God was at work both then and for most of my life until that point.
“Jehovah-Jireh- This is more than financial provision; it is a provision of everything we might need spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Jehovah-Jireh will provide all that we need.” John Paul Jackson, Inheriting the Fullness of God’s Names p.49
Looking over the binder or “God’s file on me” I was amazed again and again at the fullness of testimony jumping off the pages. Evidence of Jehovah-Jireh the provider for my family during that time is clear. The articles explain that the events grew too quickly and had to be moved to accommodate space, that money that kept pouring in and they didn’t know why, celebrity donations were coming in to be auctioned off, and the list goes on. Before social media, the internet, or even cell phones, the large scale of those fundraisers truly is mind-blowing and points only to God’s grace.
I may not have seen how God was at work providing for us at four years old but now at thirty I am blown away at the depth of His love for me. He had a plan for my life and it was big. He had a heart for me and it was bigger. He (switching to the present) has so much grace and abundance to share with me and I look forward to understanding that more and more each day I live. It never fails to humble me when I delve into the past and get a fresh perspective on times that I and so many others view as times of pure suffering. In reality, it was during those times that God was most evident. I may not have felt like He was close and I may not have seen him there at the time but it doesn’t change the overwhelming manifestation of provision and favor.
One of the articles in the file provided a story about me climbing into my tree house for the first time.
“The first time she attempted the climb into the tree house, her mother watched anxiously from the house. ‘I saw her looking at the ladder then look around to see if anyone was watching. I wondered whether I should stop her or not. Then I saw this look of determination on her face. She took one step then another and she was up. Then she came down the slide. We haven’t been able to keep her out of it since.’”
It was a forbidden thing for a long time I remember because my parents were afraid that if I would fall going up the ladder I may bust my newly healed stump open. They had discussed cutting the tree house down since they didn’t think it possible for me to enjoy any longer. As a child the tree house built just for me by my dad was my whole world and I was sure that all of my dreaming needed to take place there! After a year of living in a hospital room I needed to feel the leaves in my fingers and laugh when my stomach dropped as I rode down the sliding board! As I stood at the bottom of the ladder and pondered those things I didn’t know my mother was watching from the window. Looking back on this story in my Mother’s words I see even here how My Provider was present. He knew my need for freedom and my need to be independent again. I believe He stood behind me and gave me the determination needed to take those impossible first steps up the ladder. Against all odds: a child missing a leg climbing a ladder? I believe He must have sent an angel to stand behind me and whisper, “This is how you can climb with one leg…!”
Jehovah-Jireh my provider. He was there then and he is here now. He has graciously allowed me this glimpse into my past to see how even in the midst of pain and suffering He was there. Pictures are proof of the smiles and joy that He miraculously gave to me and my family to get through that time. Looking back and seeing that He truly was there in the midst of things has made such a difference in my mindset of the present-future. Now I can know even more than ever that I am not condemned to a hopeless life (Romans 8:1), I am not condemned in my situations or my disability. I am not condemned in my mind because of the trauma I’ve had to endure. I am not condemned in my marriage because of the stress a disability places on it. I am not condemned to live life without seeing God’s presence in every dark corner of it. There is no condemnation because Jesus paid the price for me to live life in freedom and in joy and with the light of His presence in every corner.
Likewise, may you be blessed in seeing God in your past. Take time to think and look at the ways and the blessings He has imparted to you even in the times where you felt He was absent. May you have the courage to ask Him to show you the ways He was there in those dark times. May you see Jehovah-Jireh in the midst of your struggles both past and present, to know that He has been there in all-encompassing provision: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically each step of the way. May you be brought to the fullness of knowing that you have been resurrected with Christ and because of His sacrifice you can receive His blessing in every situation.
Alas, may you look down and see one set of footprints in the sand and know that Jesus has been carrying you the whole time.
“Every goodthing given andeveryperfectgift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
“Well what do you think, little lady?” our friend Jeff asked as he dusted off his hands and prepared to hop in his truck. “It’s beautiful, so amazing…” I managed to say. But truthfully I wanted to say so much more and inside I felt so, well, confused! Every once in a while God will do something so great that I have no file in my brain to process and file it in. This was one of those moments for me.
For the past few years we have been a part of a small group that meets bi-weekly and discusses scripture and our experiences with God. It has been such a pleasure meeting with this group as we walk and stand by one another through celebrations of births, Boy Scout awards, musical milestones among the children, and joys of life. Just the same we have stood by one another and prayed through some of the tougher times of life transitions. From the small and quiet group that started meeting three years ago we have grown into a laughing, chatting, completely transparent family that relies on one another to spur us into growth.
Now, this “family” had out-done itself, and I couldn’t even begin to wrap my head around it! I had voiced a desire to have an area to host picnics outside. Since we live on a hill there really was no level area for us to hang out and bless and serve those we love. With my home being 1200 sq ft having a group inside is pretty much out of the question. After some brainstorming at the end of the season last year and some pictures sent of a friend’s yard, I got the bright idea that we could level off the area behind our house and hang some sun shades to give a reprieve during the heat of the day. When I started shopping for sun shades I realized that our best bet would be to build a cheap pergalo-type structure even if it only lasted for a few years. I don’t remember the point I mentioned this to a friend, Tammy, in the group, but I do know that within a day her husband (a carpenter) decided that it was something he could and would like to build to bless Rick and I. Less than four weeks later I stood looking at this gorgeous pergalo that was so perfect it nearly outshined my small home as I waved goodbye to the small group men pulling out of our driveway.
Inside I was like a child. I was so excited to share our first meal underneath with our friends. I felt so loved and treasured by God realizing that He cared enough to not just give me what I asked for but to place it in Jeff’s heart to gather the nicest of beams and then the other men (Jarrett and Jeff) in the group to set aside their day to help us for free! They built something so far beyond what I had envisioned and it was beautiful! All of this just because of a desire in my heart to fellowship and have good times? “Whoa,” I thought, “God is much bigger than I realize!”
Immediately guilt started to rack my brain. “You didn’t really NEED this done…there are other things that you should have prioritized”, “Of course they all had to set aside their day and help YOU when they probably all had things they needed to do,” “Now you owe this group big time, you better start brainstorming ways to pay them back. Nothing is free in this world!” Then anxiety started to settle in and weigh my heart down as I was unsure of this new beautiful accent in my yard.
Receiving a blessing is much harder than giving one away. Why is that? Why do we not believe that we truly are children of God and He gives us wonderful things? Why do we not accept these wonderful things from the hands of His people without striving to “pay it back” and “owe nothing to no one”? Why do we look at gifts with us as the center focal point rather than as if we are partnering with God in something He is doing? Was I the only person that felt this way? Some recollection told me quickly that I wasn’t the only one. From before Jesus came to earth, since the Fall, mankind knew that every sin must be paid for and we deserve to die because of it. We have been keeping accounts ever since and remembering what we owe and to whom we owe, I believe. But when Jesus came to us and became the price for that sin, and died to settle every single one of our debts, we no longer owed. Here the battle changes from fighting to pay our debts into fighting to receive what Jesus paid for.
“Our problem is that we spend so much time telling people how to get into the Kingdom that we rarely teach them what to do once they get inside. Often we don’t know ourselves because no one has ever taught us, either. We spend so much time preaching about the door that we forget all about the palace behind it….if we get “stuck” at the door, we will never experience the fullness of the Kingdom that the Father has prepared for us.
We have to step beyond the doorway so we can discover a whole brand-new world of the riches and glory that lie within…Jesus is the shepherd who brings us into the abundant pastures of His Father’s Kingdom, but how much nourishment and refreshment we receive there is up to us. The Lord will not force-feed us. He wants us to participate fully in the joys and benefits and blessings of His Kingdom…” Myles Munroe, Rediscovering the Kingdom
The very same day and time that the men in small group were building our pergalo, I was at a Mother/Daughter brunch titled, “Princess: Daughter of the King”. Our speaker, Tammy, the wife of the man at my home building, spoke about knowing and realizing that our Father in Heaven considers each of us His daughters and she spoke of tools for walking in that freedom by recognizing the truth. The truth is: God loves me. I am His daughter. He gives good gifts to His children. He is my Father and so what Father doesn’t give His child gifts even if they don’t “need” them? What Father gives his daughter a new dress then demands she work to pay for it?
“Ariel” Princess Table at Brunch
“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:11
“El-Shaddai: ‘The Almighty God; the Double-Breasted God.’” John Paul Jackson, I AM: Inheriting the Fullness of God’s Names
When we think of a mother and a child that breast-feeds we think of nurturing, guiding, gentleness, security. God is more than just a provider for us, he is our nurturer. He is the Almighty from whom all provisions flow limitless. Is it possible I believed a lie? It seemed by the guilt and battle in my mind that I believed that I had to earn the gifts that my Father in Heaven wanted to freely give me. Did I really believe God was more than just a provider for needs but also a nurturer into abundance? My mind said yes but my anxious emotions and fear lurking under the surface betrayed the lies I was believing.
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James 4:8
Knowing and hearing these things in my mind was one thing but days later I was still feeling so confused and double-minded as the battle raged on in my heart. I knew it was as simple as choosing the Tree of Life over the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil but I still found myself trying to come up with ways to repay. I was in turmoil wondering if the small group relationships were forever destroyed and what the three men that built this thought of us. I wondered if they were angry or later regretted their time spent here on something we didn’t “need”. I wondered if I would need to duck their wives next time I ran into them for having taken so many hours of their time. As I sought God about it I only received the same four words from Him each time, “It was a gift.” No more, no less. “It was a gift.” How frustrating, I thought, when I’m asking for help to reconcile this in my head and understand how it is somehow OK for me to simply accept this and live in a place of blessing.
“When man ate of the Tree of Knowledge, his attention became focused upon himself and he began to think of himself as the center of the universe. Every child born after the fall inherited this deception. Our little problems and ambitions completely dominate our minds until we are converted. Then, as we begin to see the Kingdom of God, our perspective is changed….Walking in truth is walking with God. As our vision of His kingdom is clarified, the things of earth do grow dim. The things that are invisible to the natural man become more real to us than things that are seen.” Rick Joyner, There were Two Trees in the Garden
1 Corinthians 2:14-15
There it was again, the word Truth – the word that has been spoken to me by a friend over and over again recently, and spoken by David Takle in The Truth about Lies and the Lies about Truth. Freedom = God’s truth replacing the false beliefs in my own mind.
I started to realize at this point that God’s truth is that He placed it in my heart to want to serve and bless others at our home in good times of fellowship. He has a message of encouragement to impart to others as they come to our home and break bread with us. He can use me to speak to the heart of each person that comes here in a special way that will bring forth life and eternal value. The truth is that each person that was here helping build that shading pergalo sowed into the Kingdom. The Holy Spirit placed it in their heart to join in with what God plans to do and they sowed into that in a way that only God’s people can do. While they did not come here with the mindset of sowing, but rather simply providing a kind service unto the Lord and His people, their deeds were not in vain. While I do not yet know who God will bring here to be blessed and receive encouragement and refreshment I do know that in realizing these truths I became very excited to partner with Him in this.
Kingdom mindsets are mindsets of Grace. We don’t have many “files” in our minds for processing these things naturally because we aren’t born with them. Honestly, many of us aren’t even taught how to live in grace. But as we seek out God’s truth and receive the blessings He bestows on us through others we will start to “get it”. The grooves in our brains will begin to rewire and reconnect and each time we will see God’s truth a little more quickly and clearly. It is so freeing to realize that He simply gave us a great gift and that we can be stewards of that gift to multiply His kindness to others. Not because we “owe” that to our Father (or the people he used to build it), but because having truly received His love gift, now it is bubbling over inside and we want to share it!
Immanuel Church, Wilmington 2015
My entire life I have said no to so many gifts but this past year I have been humbled and forced to accept several. It truly has become the most rewarding experience of my thirty years. When others pass on to me something that God placed on their heart to give, then there is a relationship and bridge of unity built between us that God can continue to work through. Furthermore, whatever is received on my end is a humble reminder that every good thing comes from God and nothing I have is because I have done something to deserve it.
So who am I? A daughter of the King. Jesus brought the Kingdom to earth and we are to pray each day to be the vessels of seeing the Kingdom manifest on earth as it is in Heaven. As Mile Munroe explains we are living in the palace because of Jesus, our door. A child of the King must receive gifts and also distribute these provisions as well. It’s time to think bigger than us. It’s time to get the focus off of us, our life, our ideas, our IOU’s, and shift them onto the bigger focus of joining in God’s plans and purposes.
Someone in small group challenged the rest of us a few weeks ago to spend a moment each morning dedicating our day to the Lord. That small act of taking the focus off of what I want to accomplish and thinking about what God wants to do in His kingdom (that I live in) has grounded me in truth and kept me living in the Spirit throughout the day. I believe when we live in truth we are partaking of the Tree of Life. As Rick Joyner’s book is titled, There Were Two Trees in the Garden, and the Tree of Life brings forth such wonderful fruit that we will not want anything else! (Galatians 5:22)
I’m not sure who will show up today for some encouragement, but the sun is shining and the flowers are planted under the pergalo. I’m ready for anything God wants to place in front of me.
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe”. Ephesians 1:18
*Special thanks to Tammy and Jeff Vible, Meredith and Jarrett Hostetter, Rachel and Jeff Craig for sowing into the Kingdom and allowing me to come into greater freedom in my relationship with Christ through realizing the blessing in receiving.
If you are interested in further reading on Truth and Kingdom Mindsets I highly recommend:
The Truth About Lies and the Lies About Truth by David Takle
Seeing/identifying abuse and choosing to not be lackadaisical about removing yourself from the situation will be imperative and can also save a lot of tension at social gatherings as well as creating boundaries that will protect your own heart. Sometimes removing yourself will be getting in the car and leaving while other times it may be cutting off the conversation abruptly. No matter what response the Holy Spirit leads you to in these situations my prayer is that you will take care of YOUR heart and treat it as Jesus would.
