The Woven Scarlet Thread of Romance

The Woven Scarlet Thread of Romance

 It is always about this time of the year that everyone around me is posting love poems, pictures, and romantic things. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I’m actually quite the romantic myself and do the same. My husband and I were joking a few weeks ago about the Superbowl and whether it would ever fall on Valentine’s Day. “If so,” my husband stated, “more breakfast and brunch reservations would be scheduled far in advanced by nervous husbands resulting in empty restaurants at dinner time than any Valentine’s day in history.”

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This discussion made me think of my February blog posting and I decided to think out of the box a little bit. What is February really like for me? I know February’s are filled with a lot of romantic hopes which can sometimes fling me (along with every other woman in this country) on an emotional roller coaster, but what else seems to go on as a pattern in my life?

I dug out my journals for the past ten years and began looking for patterns.  It seems that February is a month of three recurring themes for me: Discernment, Refreshment, and Encouragement. For me, February seems to set the stage for my entire year. By February, the only thing that feels loved on me is the hot chocolate that sticks so insistently to my form. I’m an introverted creature and it seems February is when I meditate and review my life in order to make changes. This article will take a look at the three themes I have come across in my February journals and I also have included a few excerpts from these journals for you, dear reader, to glimpse a bit into my soul.

 Old Journal February Excerpt, Words I felt the Holy Spirit Speak to me:
“You have been through what so few have experienced yet are willing to praise me. The pain you have endured and continue to endure has given us a bond that would not otherwise exist. Your suffering has made you so special, so rare! You are so dear to my heart, do not be afraid anymore. You are not alone. You will not be lonely in your suffering. You will never seek me and not find me. There will be none of that in your life, for I know what it is to suffer. You will see me and you will know me. This is the GREAT ROMANCE.”

Discernment:

The number 2 in the bible typically signifies division and separation, right and wrong, good and evil. While I can’t say that it ties in with February being the second month of the year, I can say that according to the past ten years of my journal I do seem to divide and discern my habits and life path during the month of February. The down-time of winter months cause me to take a look at some of the things in life that I may or may not be happy with.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“Lord, there was a baby dedication today and there is no way to express the pain it made me feel in my heart. You gave me a desire for children yet with it no means of fulfilling that desire. What is this Lord? What are you doing that my heart cannot comprehend? As I read in Joshua this week I commit to you Lord, may my heart be humble. I need you and this is not something I can do on my own. Holy Spirit, guide me through this forest! Lord, bring to my mind any shame-based thinking or systems in my life. You have a better language for my heart…teach me!”

There have been times that evaluation in my life has influenced me to pull back and move away from certain relationships or bad habits. Other years I have been forced to look at my hopes that were set on something like childbirth and then allow the Lord to nudge me into an attitude adjustment.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“Lord, you know my heart. I am struggling with some things but I am hanging on to your word. I need the breakthrough that your word promises in that area of my life!”

 Getting a handle on what needs to change in my life and coming up with a plan for that always gives me freedom and clarity in my mind. God is always gracious to provide that kind of peace to me and allows me in my own human and limited perspective to plan out the changes that need to be made to keep me on the path He intends for me. Sure, things February 2014 002 (2)don’t always go as I “plan” them to go but I do enjoy the process of praying through these things.  Dividing and weeding out the unnecessary things in life isn’t an easy thing and isn’t always very fun. Sometimes I am almost ashamed of myself when I look over things and realize just how far I’ve strayed from the “good path” in certain areas of my life. For me, that is what February seems to be about. Being vulnerable and looking at all of those patterns and habits while being humble enough to accept the truth and make changes.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“Lord, I crave your glory. I crave your presence in and on me always. I beg for your glory to be so strong upon me always. I seek your face and your hands, Lord! The past few months you have drawn so close and it is overwhelming the work you are doing in my life. I am not afraid of others or what they think but lately I have doubted this season that is my life right now. Others see my life as a leisurely playground. I feel the work I have been doing with you is where you have me and for a purpose. Yet, there are no marks, no certificates, no paychecks for my work with you. Help me Lord, what do you see? Is it ok to sit at your feet as Mary?”

 

Refreshment:

Refreshment in February?! Yes, sometimes I have to dig deep for it but it is there! Growing up we often took trips to warmer climates in February and it was always such a great time of feeling refreshed with sun and sand surrounding us. Knowing that we were to come home and finish out the bitter cold of the north, we treasured the weeks away March 2014 200 piknikand hoarded every bit of Vitamin D we could manage short of causing skin cancer. As an adult we don’t often manage to get away in February but we did a few years ago. As I sat in the sunshine I was so blessed. I watched the seagulls land on the railing of the ship in front of where I sat munching away on chocolates and fruit, listening to the gentle waves lapping several stories down onto the side of the ship. It was refreshing. It was a break needed from the monotonous repetition of my job; it was a break my husband needed from driving tractor and trailer in the snow. It was romantic and without doubt a gift from God.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“Enjoying the effects of Romans 8 and Hebrews 10. No condemnation for those in Christ! Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom!”

Of course we don’t always end up a thousand miles from home for refreshment and during those years I have found refreshment more locally. Longwood Gardens has become a respite of welcome relief for me. The warmth in the conservatory that assaults every one of my senses with tropical air and flowery scents (so foreign in the winter time) immediately lifts my heart and mind. My creativity level soars when I am in the nature of the conservatory and prayers of thanksgiving flow naturally as they exit my heart in whispers that travel on the planes of aromas.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“As I write today I sit at the table watching Rick do some of the ceiling trim painting that I couldn’t reach. Thank you for this amazing man that I call my husband! His love and support as we create a life together reflects your love for me. As our marriage grows so does my understanding of what your love may mean for me.”

This year I have not yet been to Longwood but I have been going to the YMCA gym to continue my journey towards utmost health. Entering the warm building and putting on my swimsuit each day knowing that I will be in the water and free to move in ways I have not experienced as an amputee since before losing my leg brings refreshment. The sunshine filters each day through the floor-to-ceiling windows and as I swim I feel the rays of bliss on my bare skin. Ah, refreshment. What is it about these little moments that bring us to a place of worship?

These times of refreshment are to me kisses from heaven. They are God’s way of reaching down and bonding with me right where I am at. I often spend these times alone because that is when I connect with God and find myself recharged and ready to do His work in the world around me.  It may be the two if us but feeling so loved really does warm every part of me inside!

 

Encouragement

Perhaps it is the refreshment that clears my mind and allows me to empty myself completely to hear from God.  I take notes in my journals of things that I feel He is speaking to me and then will cling to them all year long as if they are small and rare gemstones the ocean coughed up on the shore for me. Words from the Lord are always encouraging. The encouragement from Him points me back to the Word because it motivates me to find the scriptures that I am hearing. The circle is always complete when what I feel and hear the Lord saying is confirmed in scripture.

After my time of dividing and deciding what path I should be on for the year and where my time and identity settles I rest in refreshment, as mentioned. Soon after, often I start to feel the pinch of stress as the transition begins around me in relationships and time constraints. Sacrifice, which is inevitable when we change gears, is not something I cheerfully comply with during this time. The combination of these things typically leaves me frustrated and upset for a few days while I wonder if I have missed God altogether and gone rogue.

But what kind of God would He be if He left me like that? Disoriented and discombobulated, my Lord always finds me right where I am and encourages me. He is not only the stern of the ship (discernment) or the wind in my sails (refreshment) but he is also the horizon I sail towards (encouragement). February 2014 020According to my journals, each year He sends a friend to me during this time. It isn’t always the same person, they often don’t realize they are part of this, and last year it wasn’t a person at all but a bible study I was a part of! Yet in the focus of conversation or study the Lord appears in the stillness and I can almost feel His hands taking my liquid thoughts and fears and giving them mold and structure so that I become confident in what I need to do going forward. Only the Lord’s hands can take our liquid insecurities and solidify them into freeing, truthful foundations that become true peace, and He always does that for me regardless of the time of year.

 Old Journal February Excerpt, Words I felt the Holy Spirit Speak to me:
“My child, I love you and will always care and provide for you. You have been faithful with a little, so now let us grow that into much for the good and blessing of those around you. The doors which I have shut and am shutting allow to remain so. There are better things waiting for you after a short period.   Keep your focus on prayer and on replacing the weak scaffolding in your own mind with my foundation. I am giving you courage. Giving you courage to face reality, courage to dream dreams, courage for exalting me wherever you may go. A holy courage is needed, such that is pure and refined by love. Tread carefully, be mindful, take heed of the treasure being bestowed freely upon you. These too are an investment because love always multiplies. Shine, Smile, Praise, my child!”

 

Wrapping up February

 As I finish looking over the patterns I see in February in my own life I see a single scarlet thread that seems to be woven in and out of the pattern. While I started off in the article stating that February is not a romance month for me I now am forced to look at this thread and wonder. The searching and seeking for God, His answer to my heart and guidance, the sweeping me off my “foot” in a time of refreshment followed by encouragement all points to the Great Romance. So while I have not before looked at February as a month of earth shattering romance in my own life I’m now forced to see that scarlet thread woven so deeply and yet plainly in sight. I mentioned in a previous article “maybe romance is simply not being alone” and one thing that God has made very clear to me is that I am never alone. He is always with me and He is the lover of my soul.  He provides what I cannot even ask for and each year woos my heart again and again.

February is a wonderful, transitional, and delicate month for me. Reflecting on things is impertinent to happiness and true joy.  This makes me wonder what pattern you may find in the great romance of your life this month…

 

 

 

 

20 Top Strange (and Actually said!) Things NOT to Say to Amputees

20 Top Strange (and Actually said!) Things NOT to Say to Amputees

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We all have moments where we stick a foot in our mouth (pun intended). When you have only one foot the moment can be even more awkward. Here is my top 20 list of things that are said to me, an amputee, which I rhetorically/sarcastically respond to below. I must note here that the intentions of the speakers are typically not rude or heartless but just because I do not believe most people have ill intentions in saying these things doesn’t mean I shouldn’t and draw the line in the sand for basic conversation etiquette. Take a moment to read my humor-inspired top 20 list below and feel free to add a few of your own in the comments!

Humor Disclosure Statement: My rhetorical responses (in italics) are to be humorously interpreted by other amputees and may sound extra harsh to make a point. Some humor may not translate for my two legged counterparts. Reader Beware!

  1.   “Mmmm…I don’t see another leg there…” – Well I’m really glad you aren’t seeing double.
  2.  “It’s such a shame…you’re so pretty…” – Can someone explain this one to me? When did having all your limbs become a requirement for a pretty face?   Last time I looked at someone that was pretty it wasn’t because of her pedicure.
  3. “You have so much courage to wear a bathing suit and come out here like that” – I hadn’t really thought about it until you pointed out what a freak I must look like. Should I go slit my wrists now…or after our water aerobics class?
  4. “Thank you for your service to our country…or, well, um…seeing your tattoo was it a motorcycle accident?” – Tattoos do not mean I was a biker babe (note the past tense) but seeing that mole on your chin I did wonder if you were the wicked witch of the west at one point.
  5. “Come away kids, we don’t ask questions!” – First of all, let them ask. It is better for a kid to ask and then leave it alone than for you to loudly correct them in a way that insults me by assuming I am also deaf.
  6. “Can I get the door or are you going to snap at me? SOME PEOPLE get mean, you know…” – SOME PEOPLE are rude enough to slam the door in your face too but it doesn’t mean you should!  I’m a lady with two crutches in my hands, a smile on my face, and a bag on top of it: open the door for me. I can’t help other people have issues but now that you are projecting their attitudes on me I am tempted to get snippy.
  7. “Where did your other leg go?” – It rotted in the grave twenty five years ago. Do you really want to know? Or perhaps I lost it and if you find it be sure to let me know.
  8. “Maybe someday you will find a young man that will love you in spite of this.” – When I was single this was said to me more than any other comment. I don’t care what was “intended” by this statement it is rude.  It always made me want to say “well looking at you (knowing you got married) I find hope.”
  9. “How OLD were you?” – Is there an age prerequisite for amputation? Yes, yes, it’s a shame that I was only four years old but what are you getting at? No, amputation as a child isn’t any easier than for an adult.  Disability means you must motivate yourself to move and be healthy regardless of the age. Speaking of age, how old were you when you lost your manners?
  10. “I guess I shouldn’t complain about my problems to YOU…look at YOU!” – The truth is that we all have problems no matter how great or small.  My biggest problem is not on the same wavelength as that of a bilateral amputee. But really, stop comparing and assuming that I must be doing awful just because I am missing a leg. Seeing you missing your brain through these comments makes me feel sorry for you instead.
  11. “I wasn’t sure if that was you and then I realized…duh!” – It’s always nice to know your friends recognize you by your number of feet. I wouldn’t mind this comment if I was with a group out drinking and there was no other way to identify Ashly Ash, but since you more than likely aren’t incapacitated this is a comment you can just keep to yourself.
  12. “You should wear your leg, you seem so weak with only one.” – Weak = missing body parts? I’m sorry but to me weak = your limited perception of true strength and courage. End of.
  13. “Well, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?” – Actually that is not always true. It almost killed me and it killed many others that were there with me. I’m not here because I’m strong I’m here because God ordained it and He kept me alive. That being said do you have any idea how hard my life is or has been? Don’t brush my sacrifices off with a petty silver-lined comment that says you feel you have rationalized and justified my entire life in seven words.
  14. “Why aren’t you wearing your leg?” – Not sure, why aren’t you wearing red underwear? Why aren’t you wearing a hat? Hey, a pair of spanx could really dress you up a little!  I have my own reasons do I really need to explain them publicly? Move on!
  15. “If I were you I would kill myself” – Nothing motivates and encourages me to face another day as a handicapped woman like this comment. Really?
  16. “My brother’s, nephew’s, sister has a niece that is cousins with a girl dating a guy that lost his pinky and still runs a marathon!” (Exaggerated family tree …but surely everyone knows SOME distant connection)   – I don’t care. Really.   As bluntly as I can say this I will repeat myself: I don’t care. Each amputee is different. Each level of amputation is different and we don’t all carry some membership card stamped that we joined a club. We are individuals. I also don’t care if you saw the latest technology on television. Truthfully, my insurance won’t cover any of that stuff for another 15 years anyway. It’s like me reminding you that my sister’s husband has a brother that married a white woman. Just sayin’…
  17. “You are so brave, I wouldn’t even leave the house, I would curl up in a ball and die” – Maybe that would be best for you then if your entire self-worth is wrapped up in what you look like when you walk out your door. Life goes much deeper than looks.
  18. “Wait, you are married like that?” – Yup, freak girl with one leg and metal rods managed to snag herself a man. And not one that felt sorry for her either…imagine that. This comment makes me sad for people because they must not understand what true love is about.
  19. “I wonder if you can have kids like THAT?” – Well, I don’t have any yet. How do you know that isn’t a sensitive topic that may cause me to burst into tears?       How rude! I don’t ask you if you can have kids like THAT…
  20. “Does the bone still stick out?” – C’mon don’t be stupid. Educate yourself. Moving on.

That about sums up the most frequent comments made to me. I am sure that if you are reading this and you are an amputee you have a few of your own, and I would love to read them. Leave a comment below the article to share with all of us or send me an email at ash8410@hotmail.com and I may add it for you!

To my two-legged compadres that have suffered and probably even found yourself in the above list: I love you and wouldn’t have had an article if it weren’t for your clumsiness! Thank you for being you and I am more than sure you have experienced plenty of inconsiderate statements directed at you. Share those stories with me as well!

Prayer WORKS. Restoration is REAL because GRACE has NO LIMITS

Prayer WORKS. Restoration is REAL because GRACE has NO LIMITS

After a year and a half of working with a local prosthetic provider, insurance spending $53,000, and over seventy appointments back and forth with no promise of a finished leg  I finally decided to cut my losses and move on. I had felt trapped in believing that the insurance would not pay for me to see a different provider so soon after paying such a large bill. That kept me seeing the wrong provider in spite of a nagging voice inside telling me to move on. If you have been following this blog for the past few years you will see article after article of my struggle.  Yet even while being in the wrong place medically God used it as I grew closer and allowed Him to sprinkle Miracle Grow on my faith and patience.

It sure hadn’t been enjoyable to our bank account, my body, or the roller coaster of emotions. When I pulled a muscle in my back this summer and later found it was a cracked rib I felt the writing was on the wall. Time to move on, I knew, and sighed with a little relief. I made the phone call to A Step Ahead Prosthetics (where I had been fitted for a leg growing up by Erik) and asked what would have to be done to start the process all over again. By the time I made this call I was so frustrated and tired of fighting and hurting and healing that I was expecting them to shut the door in my face after learning I didn’t have the energy capacity to fight with insurance for another leg so soon. I just wasn’t sure how it would work out with A Step Ahead being nearly five hours from my front door on top of everything else.

Feb Weekend Away! 007
Reflecting on our own attitudes and judgements allows God to work in our heart

That is where this article began. It began with me coming out of six weeks in a wheelchair and putting on more than a few pounds over the five months I couldn’t wear a leg at all. It began with me crying and fighting to keep active as much as possible on a stationary bike. It began with me thanking God each day for the little blessings provided such as a scooter from my godmother and friends and family to help out in more ways than I could count. The start of this article found me pale faced with dark circles under my eyes as I fought to surrender the pain, internal struggle, and PTSD symptoms to God every day while crocheting over 16 blankets for loved ones refusing to allow the negative to win. Needless to say, while I still cannot seem to find adequate words to capture my internal response to some of this hardship, this article is started out with me surrounded in darkness.

And as reliable as the rising sun, spring rain, and April taxes, the Light revealed himself to me. And He started with the simple message of grace telling me I didn’t need to fight anymore. He reminded me of my very own testimony in which I explain that “life is no longer my battle”.  Sigh…old habits die hard it seems.  So I made the phone call asking for help for a new leg.

When I called I was told to provide some pictures and information and that was it. Immediately, it was a load off of my shoulders as I was informed the on-staff lawyer would handle the approval process with insurance. I didn’t need to do anything but wait to hear back. It was during this time that a friend asked Rick and me to take a break and come stay 9 september 2015 028piknikat their beach house with them. While my knee-jerk reaction was to say no and wait for the leg she gently nudged me and reminded me that part of being under grace is waiting on God to fight the battle. We spent the week down at the shore relaxing and enjoying our friends and the blessings they shared with us while my body continued healing. It was at this point I started to realize that the numerous people that were praying for me were being heard and God was not letting a single prayer fall to the ground.

 

Prayer WORKS

Growing up it would never occur to me to ask for prayer. While many people would pray for me without being asked it was something I just didn’t feel was something I should ask for. It seemed prideful and selfish to me. Yet for the first time this year I asked for prayer so that I could get through this journey and wind up on two feet again. The prayers were being answered. A month later I received a call that my leg was approved by the insurance and that I could make travel arrangements for a week in New York City to stay near the doctor and come home with my a leg up. I was ecstatic! While I was stressed with the travel expenses I knew that it was where God was leading me and I turned it over to Him. I sat back and put my foot up and talked to God about it.

Immediately, I was blessed. I found a reasonable hotel that was also accessible and provided me with privacy. My mom insisted that she come along with me so that I would not be alone. She proved to be so helpful in carrying things and serving me through the week that I wouldn’t consider doing it alone again!  Anxiety for driving in the city ceased as I pulled out of my driveway that morning, leaving at 2:30 AM to be there by 7 AM. Parking spaces were always available for us, food was abundant, and most importantly I was emotionally present for this trip rather than “checking out” mentally when I walked through the door. (Past trauma can sometimes cause me to block out parts of my fitting which make a good fitting very difficult.)

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When I first arrived I felt the panic creeping in and all of the fear of failure and being in the wrong place came flooding in. I was petrified of the doctor and of whether or not he could really fit me with a leg that worked after so long without a good one. As I stood there short of breath and feeling the oppression settling over my head I closed my eyes and said “Jesus.” Just that one word was all I could utter with so many eyes on me. And just like that He was there. The darkness lifted and peace flooded in on the rays of sunlight shining through the windows. That was the end of stress and anxiety for the entire trip and I knew, beyond a shadow of doubt that someone was praying for me at that moment.

 

RESTORATION is REAL

We had arrived at 7:30 AM and the test socket (they pour a temporary mold of the leg prior to making it permanent so that it can be tested and marked for adjustments) was ready to go. By 9 AM the doctor told us to leave for the day because he was finished with me and was going to move forward with making it permanent. No second socket was needed, no further adjustments, nothing. Now, I should say that over the last year and a half I had 25+ test sockets poured for my leg and not one was successful. There I was on the very first day any and very first hour being told to come back tomorrow for the permanent mold. Can I get an AMEN?

I had been listening this year to Joseph Prince as he talked about 2015 being a year of restoration. From my “wheel-eyed view” this summer I couldn’t really say that I had seen much evidence in my own life of this up to this point. Yet, while God is rarely early he sure is never late. That morning when we left the doctor at 9 AM the hotel graciously allowed us to check in six hours early and rest a bit after the five hour drive up. Whil11 november 5e resting, my mom came up with a plan: “When you were four years old and in the hospital for nearly a year you only got to associate New York City with sickness and pain. I always have wanted to bring you back so that you could experience some of the good parts of the city too. Maybe today we can do that if you feel like it?” Well, this was music to my ears! I hopped in my scooter, threw a few apples and water in the front basket, and we charged out of the hotel posed as two country bumpkins groping about the dark as we learned how to ride the subway. We were a mess trying to figure out how to use public transportation and I loved every moment of the fun! In the city we walked 5th Avenue, window shopped, visited the Rockefeller Plaza and were overwhelmed by the beauty of St. Patrick’s Cathedral. We sat in Times Square and Broadway with a slice of the freshest pizza I have ever eaten, stared horrifyingly at the “desnudas”, negotiated the rush hour crowds, and laughed the entire day! God was restoring my memories!

Even financially God restored so much to me that week. I was blessed with tokens of blessing to go along with me which paid for some of the expenses. Someone covered my tolls for me and food expense (which wasn’t much since we packed a lot with us). We 11 november 2finished a day early and the hotel decided to provide a refund for the last night even though their cancellation policy clearly stated “no refunds”. Before leaving we took ten minute drive over to Sagamore Hills (President Theodore Roosevelt’s home) and immersed ourselves in the history and museum while using my brand new leg.

Of course the week had down moments as well. Restoration for me didn’t come completely without a price. I had to meet God and be obedient to what He was doing in my life and body as well. Trying the new leg was pretty hard for me as my body was not used to walking, so by day two my muscles were screaming and hurting in places I didn’t know could hurt. I don’t want to paint a picture that this was a super-easy and fun trip because in a lot of ways it wasn’t. We had to take the leg to parks and stores and walk and walk even while being in pain. There were adjustments that had to be made as my body formed to the shape of the socket mold which left me in tears and quite snappy with everyone.  But this article isn’t about the hard times but rather about the ways that God knew it would be hard and met me each moment to make it easier for me.  It wasn’t all smooth-sailing but when God is up to something we can most assuredly focus on the great things that He does rather than the pain of pushing through. “Joy comes with the morning” just about nails it.

 

Grace has NO LIMITS

When I got home I was prepared for the worst. The doctor told me to prepare myself to push through a lot of pain and hardship for six to eight weeks. He encouraged me that the more diligent I would be with pushing through the pain, the more quickly I would become calloused and used to it. I was advised to join the YMCA and swim as a total-body, low-impact form of aerobic exercise. Initially I didn’t want to spend the money but I obediently signed up and over the past few months it has been such a joy and delight getting into shape as I swim and use my new leg on the equipment.  Rather than pushing through outside in the winter weather I have been blessed to use treadmills and the YMCA facilities.  God has made a hard journey enjoyable.  Swimming, I have found, is so freeing to move without hindrance. This is a form of restoration on earth until I get my heavenly body with two feet that can dance and move freely!

There were other forms of blessing too that showed me how much God cares and extends grace to those who love him. Each time I get a new leg most of my clothes no l11 November 1onger fit because of size and shape change and this time a friend called and her neighbor remembered me and had a few bags of lightly worn clothes for me. They fit perfectly! God cared about providing a wardrobe for me. I also came home to find a gifted food processor on my front porch to encourage my love of canning and food preserving. It only took me a few days to get to work on cutting up some pumpkins and making homemade pumpkin pie.

I can go on and on here. The encouraging cards and emails as I pushed through my six weeks of soreness were overwhelming. My husband helped me upgrade my small car that I could no longer reach the gas pedal in with my new leg to a small SUV that I am comfortable in. Women at the YMCA that I didn’t even know would stop me to tell me that my smile and attitude inspired them to be better.

Most importantly, my leg continues to work and has not broken once as of this writing. It is by far the most comfortable leg that I have ever been in and while it isn’t even close to having two good and normal legs it has already helped to change my life and activity level around the home. The first day I wore it here and was able to carry the dishes from the sink to the cupboard my eyes filled with tears as I realized how simple that daily task can be when you have two feet to stand on.

Now, for 2016, I am looking for that restoration to continue. The chemotherapy caused 65% hearing l12 new yeaross in both of my ears so this year my journey will continue as I seek medical care and save money to hear again. I can imagine the things I am missing out on like the sound of birds, crickets, running water, and fire alarms. Thankfully, I know I don’t have to fight to find out because with God there is NO LIMIT to grace.

Looking forward to journeying with you this year!

**Stay tuned for some great humor and adventure stories stemming from using my leg and interacting with the world around me!

 

 

 

 

5 Simple Ways to Increase Joy in Your Life

5 Simple Ways to Increase Joy in Your Life

 “…to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn …to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:2-3 (condensed)

December 2014 062 Holiday Blues? Hard times? Things breaking down all around you? It is very easy to be let down and become surrounded with the fog of bad tidings. Here are a few “G’s” to get back your joy! God has provided joy for us each day and wants us to live in the fullness of this joy. When you feel down take a “shot” at these simple things to get back in grace. Cheers!

 1.  Gratitude –

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise, give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:4-5

 Being mindful of the good and simple gifts around us will always bring a higher perspective and increase our joy. Remember to be mindful of simple things like clean air, fresh running water, a warm home, and food on the table. Mindfulness of good things will always encourage us and bring us to the realization that we truly are content in our heart of hearts. Most of us do not know what it is to face the obstacles that much of the world faces and even on a end of year 14smaller scale what most of our county faces each day to survive. There are people around us that we can be grateful for as well. Smiles and hugs received, loved ones, and even tougher personalities that spur character growth can be a blessing.  Another surefire way I find instantaneously increases my joy is reflecting on the past. Whether this is by revisiting old journals or simply thinking “five years ago I was/wasn’t…” This simple exercise always reminds me how far I have come in my personal journey and how much bigger God is than our plans. He is faithful and He answers prayers so just taking time to think of the things He has done great and small helps. God always provides a way for us to thrive, even in the midst of adversity. Being grateful always brings an increase in joy.

2.  Get Moving –

“Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.” Proverbs 10:4

 Movement creates a flow of oxygen throughout the body and allows hormones and endorphins to release which boosts our joy. A recent study published in The Week magazine reflects that a simple walk in nature daily helps people to 9 september 2015 042pikniksignificantly set aside their stress and worries and take notice of the world around them more. Movement is critical for stress release. We were designed to be moving and when we find a small way to do this it will help raise the roof on joy. Whether movement for you is exercising, walking, cleaning, chair aerobics or gardening, once you find your body releasing movement your spirits will also become immersed in the joy of accomplishment.  Start somewhere, anywhere, but get moving today!

3.  Giving –

“Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 2 Cor 9:7

 Sitting around and looking at all the things in our life that are not where we think they should be is bound to bring us down. By getting out and finding someone that could use a gift, no matter how small, we are looking outside of ourselves in compassion towards another. Tuning in to the world around us will take us outside of our own problems and give us a different perspective. Just like putting a puzzle together (when you stare too long you can’t find the pieces), we need to take a break and remind ourselves it isn’t “all about me”. Everyone has problems; everyone has things in their life they wish to change. Truthfully we don’t usually have to look very hard to find someone that is in a situation much worse than we believe our own to be. Giving away a smile, opening a door for someone, or buying someone’s coffee on the way to work will allow a moment of connection in relationship that will promote joy in our own hearts…and theirs! When I am at the grocery store and see an item I know someone near me would enjoy I will pick it up and drop it on their doorstep as a blessing. If I am making a meal I will take time to drop off a plate to an elderly neighbor. Sometimes I’ll simply drop off an item I don’t want anymore at the YMCA sharing table and when I see it disappear I feel my heart leap for joy that my “junk” was another’s need fulfilled. Giving doesn’t have to always cause you to reach into your pockets. Be creative!

4.  Good Thinking –

“…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things….. And the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9

 This one should seem obvious but it isn’t always. I have heard that the majority of our personality is formed by the age of seven. This means whether we automatically look at something that happens to us as a good or bad thing is also ingrained in our minds. Thankfully, because of what Jesus diOctober 1 2015 8d on the cross, our habits and patterns trained by our upbringing do not have to be permanent grooves we follow. There are always two ways to look at any situation. When something happens that we perceive to be a negative thing we should consciously take time to look for the good in it or look for a way that God can use this to grow us/those around us. Perhaps you will build relationships with others in your time of need or maybe that wrecked car will lead you to another (more suitable) one. Being late isn’t always a curse either, as hundreds of survivors from the 2001 (9-11) attack on America will testify. Embrace the good and the bad and choose to see the positive side of the coin. After awhile this will begin to come naturally as we train our minds to be sensitive to positive things God is doing in our lives rather than the negative inconveniences. Choosing to find God’s promises each day will help our overall outlook improve and protect our heart from depression.

5.  Great Choices –

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.  Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:7-9

 I was recently in a situation where I felt strongly I was not to attend a certain event. Through some peer pressure and feelings of obligation I caved and attended anyway. Within the first twenty minutes I realized I had made a huge mistake. As the time went on I could feel my heart being weighed down more and more as well as my attitude and mood. After excusing myself and politely ducking out as quickly as possible I hoped my mood would improve but it didn’t; 9 september 2015 034piknikthe simple bad choice and company continued to influence my entire afternoon. Sometimes making bad choices can be the number one reason we feel depressed and are not living in the fullness of joy given to us by Jesus’ sacrifice. Choosing not to take care of our bodies is another choice that can affect our moods. Choosing bad company, abusive relationships, destructive habits, or being tempted to control things around us can also dampen our days significantly. When we are doing all we can to keep on God’s path for us we live without shame or guilt and are able to freely receive His grace and goodness. So while we all still make bad choices each day, we know the Holy Spirit within us will guide and protect us as He provides grace to turn our hardships into joy. Taking the moral high road isn’t always immediately fulfilling but it surely will help us to live with a short account and prevent us from looking over our shoulder. Less stress from consequential behavior will keep our joy-cups overflowing. In the above situation I finally had to stop, pray, and turn over my day and bad choice to God. Within a few hours my shame was gone and joy had returned!  I was able to conclude my day on more than a positive note – a joyful one!

 While there are many more ways to increase our joy each day (prayer, meditation on God’s word, eating healthy, etc.), I do hope you find the above “G’s” challenging. Remember, joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5) so embrace each new day!

 

 

Recognizing the Pattern of Psychological Abuse

There are times I hear stories from friends or acquaintances and want to reach out and let them know that they are experiencing Psychological Abuse. Of course it is not always easily said, especially when a person is not yet ready to hear the truth or ready to recognize it (let alone stand up for themselves in it). During the holidays we can easily become trapped in our own social circles responding the same way we have always responded as if we are programmed. Because of this, I find it an appropriate time to publish the below comprehensive list of behaviors that may constitute abuse. Half of the battle can sometimes be recognizing the signs and understanding why something “just didn’t feel right in the gut”.

05 to 07 2015 016piknikSeeing/identifying abuse and choosing to not be lackadaisical about removing yourself from the situation will be imperative and can also save a lot of tension at social gatherings as well as creating boundaries that will protect your own heart. Sometimes removing yourself will be getting in the car and leaving while other times it may be cutting off the conversation abruptly. No matter what response the Holy Spirit leads you to in these situations my prayer is that you will take care of YOUR heart and treat it as Jesus would.

Blessings to each of you during this holiday season!

 

Secrets, Lies, Betrayals – Maggie Scarf p56-57

Recognizing Psychological Abuse

What are the specific behaviors that constitute emotional abuse? One of the most illuminating answers to this question, at least in my opinion, is that provided by a Boston-based human rights organization called Peace at Home, Inc. In the comprehensive Warning List that this group has drawn up, a particular cluster of behaviors is identified as abusive—behaviors seen in situations where ongoing psychological assaults on the mate, but not necessarily any physical attacks are taking place.

Again, it should be emphasized that in the majority of cases the victim has no conscious knowledge that anything “abusive” is actually happening; far more often she is blaming herself and her own failings for the fact that the relationship feels so flawed and ungratifying. For, over time, the abuser’s sense of his own legitimate power, control, and essential “rightness” has continued to expand, while his partner’s sense of her self-esteem and competence has undergone a process of attrition. She may be feeling bad, lost, guilty, isolated, and despairing; she may be suffering from fierce headaches, painful stomach troubles, a sense of constant tension, heart palpitations, fatigue, or back or neck problems; but all to rarely will she make the connection between her mental and bodily state of being and anything so alien sounding as “emotional maltreatment”.

The Peace at Home, Inc. Warning List

  1. Destructive Criticism/Verbal Abuse: Name calling; mocking; accusing; blaming; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures.
  2. Abusing Authority: Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are “the truth”); telling you what to do; making big decisions without consultations; using “logic”.
  3. Disrespect: Interrupting; changing topics; not listening or responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of other people; saying bad things about your friends and family.
  4. Abusing Trust: Lying; withholding information; cheating on you; being overly jealous
  5. Emotional Withholding: Not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention, or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights, or opinions.
  6. Breaking Promises: Not following through on agreements; not taking a fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with child care and housework.
  7. Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: Making light of disturbing behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn’t happen; shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; saying you caused it.
  8. Pressure Tactics: Rushing you to make decisions though “guild tripping”; sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating the children; telling you what you must do.
  9. Intimidation: Making angry or threatening gestures; use of physical size to intimidate; standing in doorway during arguments (as if to block the way out); outshouting you; driving recklessly (to scare the partner, even put her in fear for her life).
  10. Destruction: Destroying your possessions (such as furniture); throwing and/or breaking things.
  11. Threats: Making threats to hurt you or others

WooHoo Ministries – Let Those Shackles Go for Joy!

“Revive. Rejuvinate. Restore.” These three words jump out from the online heading of WooHoo Ministries homepage. Woohoo! We hear The Good News so often that many times we forget how full of joy that message is and how it has set us free. Woohoo! For this post we welcome Tawn Battiste from Woohoo Ministries. Tawn is from Peach Bottom, PA and has recently retired from being a classroom teacher for 33 years. She is married, has four full-grown children (plus a few furry ones), and according to her website is the most enthusiastic follower of Jesus you will ever meet.

Tawn Battiste of WooHoo Ministries
Tawn Battiste of WooHoo Ministries

Tawn has also been a long time speaker for Sister’s in Christ (a local and free women’s ministry event) which is where I first encountered her as a guest speaker. Tawn has a way of drawing in her audience and creating an environment so that each individual present feels as if she is speaking only to them. Her gift of sharing and speaking from a place of peace and joy helps her to be a magnet for women all over whether she is leading them at a retreat, sharing at an event, or simply conversing over tea in her sun room. Her creativity and teaching practice coupled with the radiance of joy allows us to see the Lord through her.

Many readers to this blog have come from some hard backgrounds where trauma was prevalent and the post-trauma symptoms continue to be reinforced. Others have come from places of bad choices and repercussions of such. And still more readers are weary from the daily grind of life which is rewarding yet no less difficult. No matter what the background story is for you, dear reader, I know you will be blessed in hearing a little bit from Tawn.  She “gets it” and has overcome in Christ. Furthermore, she has a desire to teach us about strongholds in our lives and how we can bring those to the Cross of Jesus and leave them behind.

In a few weeks Wesley Church (Quarryville, PA) will be hosting a free event that will be led by Tawn and WooHoo Ministries. The conference is titled: “What Shackles Are You Wearing and Why? Let’s Get Rid of Them!!!” This will most certainly cause us each to self-examine areas in our own lives that we are not aligned with right believing as well as encourage us to continue on our journey towards freedom. Freedom really is free: Woohoo!

Let’s jump right in and talk to Tawn:

Crutchprints – Your WooHoo Ministries home page states that you specifically want to address the joy available through the Lord. For so many that is a foreign concept. What does joy look like to you?

Tawn – Many people would define joy as a feeling of exuberance, or feeling upbeat and in a good mood all the time. This is simply not possible! Maybe it’s someone who is naturally optimistic and goes through each day as a Pollyanna of sorts? No! Each of these scenarios involves feelings, and feelings are dependent on circumstances, people and situations. They are temporary at best. Joy, instead, is dependent on God. It is knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is in control of every part of our lives, and He is for us. It is walking confidently in that knowledge, knowing that everything, EVERYTHING, is going to be all right and praising Him in and through every situation.

Crutchprints – From what I gather WooHoo Ministries is designed to encourage others on their journey through life issues. Part of that journey can be strongholds. What is a stronghold and how is that different from an everyday struggle/issue?

Tawn – I believe a stronghold is an area in our life where sin captivates and controls us. It is where our carnal nature is allowed to flourish. Everyday struggles are the beginning of strongholds. We make a decision of our will which then can emotionally attach us, further binding us to the sin we initially chose. What begins as a small foothold of sin may be confessed, but then we continue to embrace it. We begin to feel comfortable in it and eventually rationalize and defend it. We can then justify it and we become blind to it; thus it grows from a struggle to a stronghold.

Crutchprints – Can you give us an example of how God took a stronghold in your life and gave you freedom and joy?

Tawn – Sexual sin was very pervasive in my life at a young age. What started as an innocent reading of a book truly began a trail of movement from reading romance novels to soft porn in the written word. (Much of what is written in this area for women is deeply descriptive and allows for visual imagery in one’s mind) As I began to read God’s word, I was deeply convicted, but it was years of pervasive imagery and thought life, so it took years to undo this stronghold.

Crutchprints – I understand you are a birdwatcher. What appeals to you about this hobby and does it connect with you on a spiritual level? How so?

Tawn – My bird watching is part of my spiritual journey, to be sure. First of all, I am able to enjoy the splendor and creativity of the Creator. I sit in awe of the work of His hands as I study and appreciate each type of feathered friend who joins me. Secondly, it allows me ‘still’ time, extended periods of time when I can not only speak to God but wait and listen as He responds. Too often, I think we expect to hear God above the din of everyday life rather than quieting our treadmills of existence and turning towards his ever ready and waiting wisdom.

Crutchprints – Your life verse is Psalm 37:4 (Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart). Many women/men have been faithful to the Lord for years and not yet experienced the manifestation of their desires met. What do you say to them?

Tawn – Taking delight in the Lord, for me, means that my heart finds peace and fulfillment in Him. When I ‘delight’ in the things of the Lord, my desires will align with His will for my life. It has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Him. Afterall, we are here not for our fulfillment but to glorify Him. We are not born to be happy, but to be holy. As we grow and mature in our faith, and as we imitate God (Ephesians 5:1), our focus is no longer on ourselves.

Too often, I believe people consider this a wish list promise of sorts, and they feel defeated when they don’t gain wealth, status, a job, a mate, or material items they desire. Delighting in the Lord, in and of itself, is a true treasure. This world can never satisfy our deepest longings, but if we choose to delight in God’s way, He will always provide above and beyond our expectations.

Crutchprints – For people in the midst of their journey now, how can they receive joy on the inside even when their outside circumstances don’t reflect it? What are some steps to receiving and choosing this joy?

Tawn – There is much to steal joy from our everyday lives; discouragement, guilt, shame, anxiety, sadness, unforgiveness and fear just to name a few. The largest robber of our joy, in my opinion, is busyness, but that’s another entire tome of its own. How then can we live?

The acronym J.O.Y. (Jesus, Other, Yourself) can help us learn how to choose joy. First, we live and focus on Jesus: we follow His example, and we lay aside our own plans for His. How do we follow His example? We need to KNOW Him. Personally, deep down and for real.

How can we get to know Him? Most importantly, we get to know Him through reading and studying His word. We pray and discern His voice amidst the throng of our culture. And we learn to quiet our lives so we are able to hear Him. This is not to say there is a checklist to complete. It is more about allowing Him to take lead in all areas of your life, from awakening until sleep. Picture a wheel, if you may, and each spoke is an area of your life (kids, marriage, worship, errands, work, etc.) Jesus is the center of the wheel and without Him, the wheel is useless.

Secondly, we think of O.-Others. Walk in love for others. Do and say what is best for others. This is where our walk must match our talk. Putting others’ needs above our own is essential. As we do this, our ‘fruit’ grows and matures! Woohoo! (1 John 3:16-18)

Finally, we think of the Y. YOU. What are we to do? We disciple, serve, and have fellowship. We worship and give thanks. We adopt an attitude of gratitude. We work out our salvation with endurance and strength. We let lose our hurts, habits and hang-ups and lessen the enemy’s grip on us. And we always conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.

NONE of this can be done of our own will. We must accept Him as Savior so that the Holy Spirit lives within us and grants us power.

Crutchprints – I understand you will be hosting an event on November 14, 2015 called “What Shackles Are You Wearing and Why? Let’s Get Rid of Them!!!”, (See end of article for details). What can an attendee expect from being present at this event?

Tawn – We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) We have all done things we shouldn’t have done, said things we shouldn’t have said, wronged people and never made it right, and seem to easily see others’ sins while being blinded to our own. We have insecurities, fears, doubts and anxiety. All of these can be shackles we wear which hold us back from what God has planned for our lives.

An attendee at this retreat can expect to hear sound teaching, but they’ll also have to look introspectively at their own lives and discern some shackles. They will have opportunities to share as well. (IF they so desire). We will affirm promises of God, chew on scripture highlighting strength and courage, discuss ‘casting’, relish the fact that we are justified, sanctified, and can be trained in the mind of freedom. And hope! “Our hope is found in nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness”! Woohoo!

(I’m not giving more….gonna have to come and find out! J)

Crutchprints – Aside from this event and being a longtime speaker for Sister in Christ events you also lead women’s retreats on a regular basis. Tell me about your experience at these events?

Tawn – My retreats began as an inkling in my mind decades ago when a friend initially encouraged me to facilitate one for her home church. At that time, I conceptualized Woohoo Ministries and even joked about naming it such because I was constantly excited and yelling ‘woohoo’ at the retreat.

Fast forward ten years and a retirement from teaching, and God spurred me towards making the dream reality. (with MUCH help from friends who believed in me— often times more than I believed in myself)

I enjoy leading retreats because I feel I was born to teach; and what better topic than Jesus?? I get so excited!! Sharing experiences and struggles with women allows for openness and honesty. I feel women’s greatest needs at this time are being true to who they are in Christ, sharing doubts and troubles, and being transparent with one another. This enables us to pray for one another, encourage one another and meet each other on the rough roads we all travel.

I am often reminded of the responsibility of being a teacher and all it entails. For this reason, I have a team of prayer warriors who lift the ministry and lay a foundation for my engagements. The women attending are prayed for, my words are prayed for and my message is prayed for. I can do nothing without Him.

Crutchprints – While being a very public leader and woman in our community I have also heard you speak about another “behind the scenes” ministry you provide. Can you tell us a little about what you do?

Tawn – Since my retirement in 2014, I had little time to think of what I should do because God provided purposes for me almost daily. I began by helping at a flower farm that has a stand at Central Market in Lancaster. I was given ‘leftover’ flowers or bouquets and began delivering them to patrons at local restaurants. It’s quite fulfilling to hand a flower to someone and simply state “God loves you. Have a great day!” I delivered to Turkey Hills, banks, retirement communities, and local stores. It brought much smiles and some tears.

Secondly, because of the burden I always felt as a working mother with four kids and having to have dinner on the table, I began to deliver meals or desserts to different families. I began with families I know, but then I asked for names on Facebook and received names/addresses so I could deliver as a surprise. What fun! I also gave to mechanics, postal workers, checkout ladies at the supermarket, and anyone to whom God directed me.

I believe everyone can do a random act of daily kindness. It may be an anonymous note on a desk, a coupon for a pizza, a surprise piece of candy with a smiley face, a note of encouragement, a smile, a hug, letting someone out in traffic, holding a door open for a stranger, or buying coffee for the person in front of you! The list is endless. Truly, if you ask God for idea, He will give them! And certainly, if children see their parents doing this and become part of it, they will come up with their own ideas. Woohoo!! Lead by example!

Crutchprints – As a woman leading a ministry, events, and retreats can you help us understand the need for balancing those things with your marriage and family? Does your role in the community raise a standard of expectation from those closest to you?

Tawn – I am the first to admit that I could not be doing as much as I am if I had young children. I am in a season of life that gives me much flexibility in my scheduling. I even have neighbors who will feed the dogs if the need arises!

Before I began my ministry, my husband gave me the green light. I would not have done it without his blessing. He is a great encouragement and prays for me when possible before each retreat or engagement.

My role has raised a standard of expectation from my family and close friends, but I believe this is a good thing. I desire to walk as Christ, so accountability is a good thing! In fact, the more the better for me. I need those who will come by my side and give hard truths when needed. Iron sharpens iron, and I desire to be sharpened.

Humility is easiest with the realization that Christ is in charge. He is in control of every engagement I receive, every word I speak, and every new relationship I make. I truly could not do this on my own. (if you knew all my insecurities, you would understand). As He continues to peel away the layers of them, I am amazed beyond measure at His faithfulness, His grace, and His unconditional love. Woohoo!!

*If you are interested in hearing more about Tawn and her ministry please visit her website by clicking here.

**If you are interested in attending the free event for women at Wesley Church (1104 Kirkwood Pike, Quarryville, PA) on Saturday, November 14, 2015 (8am -4pm) please see the below information and contact Jodi Conklin (717-475-0403) for your free reservation.

photo (2)

 

Implementing Hope

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”  Proverbs 13:12

Hope Deferred

The verse above hit me like a ton of bricks. Now, I GET it. So many years I have heard this verse preached as a form of medicine to treat depression or hard times. Even more often I have thought with pride that I do have hope because, after all, it is a fruit of the Spirit and the Holy Spirit is within me. Am I not the most positive person that any of my friends have ever met? If anyone was living in hope I most certainly thought that it was me.

Without hope I don't even want to hold my head up!
Without hope I don’t even want to hold my head up!

Then my husband and I signed up to partake in a bible study course at church. The title of this course was “There’s More” and was taught by fellow members of the congregation. I have been through several courses that were supposed to change my entire outlook on life and flip my perspective upside down and right side out so when this one started to poke and pinch me in places I wasn’t comfortable my knee-jerk reaction was “Hey! What’s going on here??!! Why is this coming up NOW?”

Homework for the course consisted of working on a timeline of my life. “Piece of cake,” I thought, “I’m only 30 this will be a breeze…” (As I secretly felt pity for the sweet 75 yr old sitting next to me having to make her own “ginormous” life-line.) We were encouraged to mark our timelines in color so that our pain points may be one color, happy memories another, vital lessons, influential people, etc. As I began my line I could see it slowly molding into one long RED line of pain, and it hurt. Why in 30 years was there so much pain for a child of God? There was pain starting at 4 years old, way too young to blame consequential choices. I started to realize that this was a question I have held deep down my entire life.

When we gathered for our next session we were encouraged to look over our timeline and look back over our life to see the way that God was the common thread and had woven our lives together with purpose. We were encouraged to look at the pain points and see how they worked out for the greater good.   Meanwhile I was sitting there thinking, “Ok, should I call them over to see my line because truly there is simply one bad thing after the next on here…surely they can’t mean God had a hand in ANY of that?!”

So of course my journey began of allowing this small bit of unbelief surface in the pond of my heart so the great Fisher of Men could skim off the algae that had been toxically growing, unbeknownst to me, my whole life. Did I really believe there was no hope for me? Did I really believe that God wasn’t bigger than all the pain points in my life?

 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”   Romans 8:1a

 As the days and weeks and months progressed after this I realized that when I was most frustrated it was usually because I was relying on myself and my own ability rather than remembering that Christ’s righteousness replaces the condemning, hopeless, and depressing attitudes. Because of Him there is now hope for my situation. The battle is the Lord’s yet thirty years had taught me that the Lord “helps those that help themselves” and I had taken that way out of context to the point of battling for the Lord and sometimes even with the Lord for my own control.

With this new attitude in my heart of slowly recognizing (Repent = go back, change your mindset, go forward) the different ways in which my heart had been void of hope I worked up enough courage to revisit my timeline. There was just no way that I could imagine God had been at work through the pain. Fighting Cancer, losing a leg, losing my childhood, untreated post traumatic stress disorder, destructive behaviors (symptoms of PTSD), diagnosis of diabetes, thyroid issues, second surgery on what was left of my leg forcing me to drop education, apartment fire, and currently a cracked rib and sitting in a wheelchair….the list goes on. Was God really in the middle of this?

September 19 bike day 5 As I obediently took one last look at my timeline before giving up I noticed something. All of the red (pain points) started to change to green (good memories) about eight years ago. Rather than being a solid red line I started to see a dramatic change and there was suddenly more green than red. The red moments still were there because in the past eight years I have experienced pain along with the rest of humanity, but something was different. In my spirit I heard the Lord give me the answer to what changed: Hope of Redemption. Three simple words that helped me to know that somewhere I started believing there is hope because of Him who is faithful. I thought back to a sermon once preached where we were told, “How much faith do you need to have? Just enough to keep praying…Have faith not for the answer of your prayer but that God is faithful and desires good for us.”

 Hope of Redemption

Variations of the word “Redeem” (on a quick BibleGateway search) occurs 107 times in the bible and variations of “redemption” anther 24 times. Redemption is no strange topic to God’s people!

 “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.”  Ephesians 1:7

 Looking over the past six months God had been working this truth into my heart. He had been massaging it in gently with His word, His voice, and surrounding me with the message of hope and grace. I came to realize the truth is that He is the same God today that ruled over the blessings of the Old Testament people thousands of years ago. Jesus came to fulfill the law, becoming the consequences Theron, so that those blessings could be attained by you and me. Now if that does not bring hope, what will?

 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm—my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.
Joel 2:25-26

 What were these blessings in the Old Testament that Jesus died to let us partake in?

 “If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the Lord your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your ancestors.  He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land—your grain, new wine and olive oil—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land he swore to your ancestors to give you.  You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor will any of your livestock be without young.  The Lord will keep you free from every disease. He will not inflict on you the horrible diseases you knew in Egypt, but he will inflict them on all who hate you.” Deuteronomy 7:12-15

 Jesus came to fulfill the law since we are unable to keep all the commands and we are unable to make ourselves holy. Jesus fulfilled all the commands of the law as the Holy One because He was perfectly righteous. He then declared that it was finished and passed that righteousness on to us. We can live in the blessings of God according to the things God promised! It is the basis of what we believe as Christians and yet a message that seems foreign to so many of us when the rubber meets the road.  (Matthew 5:17-18) (Romans 4:5) (Romans 8:10,17) (Romans 10:4)

9 september 2015 054piknikLearning about redemption and God’s heart to see each of us restored in His goodness and by His grace gave me a conscience thought of hope in each situation and pain point encountered. While it may not be true to say bad things never will happen to me again (I’ve experienced bad things since originally writing this article!), I now look at them knowing that if I go through something I view as a negative experience then God’s promises will meet me on the other side of it.

 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

Hope Redeemed

According to Dictionary.com the word “deferred” means: “Postponed or delayed. Suspended or withheld for or until a certain time or event.”

When I look at the definition of deferred in the context of Proverbs 13:12 I can see how my hope was postponed until the past eight years. Rather than relying, trusting, and adhering to God and believing in the grace provided to me through Jesus I believed I was condemned to a life of pain. I pushed off and delayed hope because I was afraid of future disappointment. My heart became hardened towards the light of hope as I experienced pain and I can see clearly the moment on my life’s timeline that I began to have hope. Hope that God loved me, hope that He really did want the best for me, hope that He would fight for me if I would simply be still.  It wasn’t just positive thinking, I have always had that. It was a small spark in my heart that dared me to believe that God was in control of my life and He wanted the best for me. Through the eight years since there have been more causes for celebration as I cling to this hope than the 24 years prior. As my character deepens and it is revealed to me each day how Jesus died for me to live today, I am living in hope; not condemned. I am receiving His righteousness and grace while passing on His love because in doing that it just may light a spark of hope in another.

9 september 2015 028piknik Hope has been redeemed in my life. I have spent the majority of the summer in a wheelchair and struggled through some very difficult and humbling times unable to do some basic chores like cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping. (Not to mention my passion of walking/gardening/canning!) But hope was redeemed prior to this and every moment of my time spent in a chair was an opportunity for me. I read, I prayed, I crocheted gifts, and I allowed God to speak to me in new ways. He set up a vacation/reprieve for my husband and I at the ocean that was a gift from and with friends. He provided a way for me to get back to New York City to the best doctor in the nation for my amputation. He provided a mobile scooter that would fit in our small home and allow me to have independence both in and out of the house that I didn’t have before that. Each time something happened my hope soared and my heart was healed a little more as I saw the goodness and grace provided rather than the condemnation/depression/hopelessness I would have felt otherwise.

In your life, I wonder, what areas do you feel condemned or hopeless? Is hope deferred (postponed, delayed, withheld) in any area of your life? Sometimes visiting the most basic of messages can pull our roots deeper in Christ and allow us to reach a new level of freedom and reliance in our lives. I encourage each of my readers today to think about this in an open mind and with an open heart: How are my actions evidence of hope deferred rather than of longings fulfilled by what Jesus did in grace?

Why I Traded Candy Crushing for Embroidery – 1 Year Later (Update)

Why I Traded Candy Crushing for Embroidery – 1 Year Later (Update)

Many of you remember my previous article on this subject.  The update here is based on the original article which you can find by clicking here. 

2 feb bedspread

It has been a full year since I decided to give up computer games and Facebook games. Being the wife of a Truck Driver I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand the test of time due to the long hours I spend alone here. Truly this experiment has surprised me and my husband as I have not once faltered or even been tempted to download a new game app!

I find myself more positive than ever as I am quick to process the activities of my day while embroidering, crocheting, and loom knitting. Even when I am down in the dumps finishing a project will instantly lift my spirits and give me the same sense of satisfaction that I receive when exercising! Of course I cannot prove the science behind this but it has proven true in my own experience time and again. Throughout this process I have branched out and learned new techniques, stitches, patterns, and challenges in ways that grow my skills and keep me thinking outside of the box. Another positive thing about this is that I always have an arsenal of gifts to give away and bless others with. I used to scramble for a hostess gift but now have a closet full of options and ways to bless others in a way that goes beyond the simplicity of spending money.  Even my dogs are finding some fresh apparel from some of my “ends”.

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Speaking of my arsenal of finished projects, it is way too large. That is the sole down-side to this experiment (hoarding yarn certainly doesn’t count as a downside, right?). I must now find a place to sell many of the blankets and bigger items that I have made. While many become gifts for loved ones and are made with their particular color palette in mind, many more are combinations that I found on sale and put together during the long evenings I spend alone. But who is going to complain about having things to sell and make a little cash to cover cost?

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All in all I can honestly say I feel a rewarding sense of peace and a stretch of my gift in giving during this past year. So if you find yourself watching TV a lot during the winter (I now will leave the television or music on in the background sometimes) and want something to show for your time spent I encourage you to buy a loom kit or find a friend that knows how to embroider/crochet and get started. Donating to the homeless, making your own gifts, and having so much to show for your time will reward you and bring you closer to God’s heart than you ever have been.

Paste that Pad in!

Paste that Pad in!

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When someone is getting a new prosthetic device customized (especially at a hip-level) there are a few weeks of trial and error where the patient wears the new leg out and about while taking notes about any discomfort. As time goes on the prosthetist may stick a pad in here or trim a little from the leg there; whatever it takes to allow maximum comfort and optimum functionality.

It was during this time frame of testing out a new leg that this story takes place. You see, taking up a few hours of my doctor’s time one Friday there was one simple fix we didn’t have time to squeeze in. He loosely glued and stuck a foam pad into the area that the leg was pinching me and sent me out the door so that I could test it out before making it permanent.

Of course there was no problem with the pad (or pinching) when I was home alone and no one was in sight. Instead, I was at a picnic to celebrate the gender reveal of our (now) goddaughter that wardrobe malfunction struck. Innocently standing in line waiting for another drink of water in the heat of the sun I turned to make conversation with the three big and young guys standing behind me. Just as I turned I heard a light “plop”.

Oh yes, it was “the pad”. It fell straight out the bottom of my cute picnic dress and laid there staring up at me and these young strangers from between my feet like the white nightmare that it was. I looked down horrified as my mind quickly pondered the best course of action to take. Do I pick it up and show it to them, explaining what it is? How do I explain “the pad” is really something that belongs to my fake leg?! Do I ignore it and pretend this never happened? Their horrified and curled up lips silently revealed that road would not be the least bumpy to take. I mean really. What could I say in this situation that would be remotely believable! What would you think if you were standing there and the lady in front of you had a white pad fall out of the bottom of her dress?

Not knowing how to react and cursing the fact there is no “leg malfunction etiquette” manual for amputees I simply bent over mumbling an “oops” and busted out laughing as I realized how screwed my reputation was from there forward. Even in my laughter I must confess to making an immediate beeline for my husband just to make it clear to those young fellas that no matter how disgusting they perceived me I was loved by SOMEONE!

Perhaps there is a “Prosthetic Device Malfunction Manual” to be written after all…

#1. Have your Prosthetist Paste in All PADS!

#2. In the case a pad falls out of your leg in public…

Qualifying the Unqualified

Qualifying the Unqualified

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The past several weeks I have been struggling with back pain on top of everything else. Not the typical ache but excruciating stabbing pain taking place in muscular areas. The doctor decided that my fake leg and forearm crutches were responsible for the healing lapse and advised me to “get off my foot” and use a wheelchair for a few days to allow my muscles to recover with some medicinal assistance. Sitting in a wheelchair, unable to walk or even push myself around in my little “chariot” gave me a lot of time for reflecting and also left a lot of room for sadness. (I am a highly active person so being told I must sit still for days at a time was a nightmare.)

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Prior to the diagnosis I had been struggling with writing as of late since my confidence seemed to have taken a slight spiral downward. The past few months I suddenly began to feel unqualified to write or share what God has put in my heart to share with others. I had begun to feel that perhaps with my own personal struggles I was not “healed” enough inside to properly write and speak. Each time I had a physical or emotional flare-up such as anger, back pain, or PTSD symptoms, this belief of not having “arrived” at the place of being capable to properly minister to others concreted itself in my mind. To top off those doubts there had been backhanded comments and put downs from people around me which reminded me immediately of Job’s friends and how they could not stand by him supportingly in his time of trial but rather pointed out his weaknesses instead. Even though I knew I am called to write and share I still wondered inside of my heart, “Is it true? Are they right? Perhaps I truly don’t know enough about the bible and I am imagining the things I think God puts in my heart? Maybe my timing is off? Maybe I didn’t hear God?”

 “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27

 With all fairness to reality it has been tough lately and would be taxing on anyone not just me. You, my readers, know more than anyone how difficult it can be to be disabled and limited in every way both inside and outside of the body. The medicine to help me heal was basically knocking me out for several hours each day and then as I awoke I would spend a few more hours in a zombie-like state coming to. My husband had to assume the household and lawn chores that I usually took care of behind the scenes all the while holding down his job as a truck driver. We were offered help by several people but it just seemed to be easier emotionally and mentally to hold down the fort on our own. You better believe that I was frustrated and angry throughout the process of not being able to walk or move or enjoy canning the fresh produce pouring in from our garden. All of those things seemed to beat to the drums in my head of “you’re unqualified, you’re unwise, you’re unfit, and you’re unworthy”.

Yet as the clouds lifted in my mind I started to see the truth: God does not choose the strong, the healed, the “wise”; he chooses the EMPTY so He can fill.

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When I saw the above sticker I realized how true the headline statement is. If I believe I must be qualified for God to use me then I am in this for the wrong reasons: pride and recognition. If others believe I must have certain notches on my belt as far as healing or struggles or memory verses prior to being used by God then they are not reflecting the law of grace. Anyone that makes us feel as if we need a formula to gain acceptance/cleanliness or freedom from sin is not preaching grace.  Even those that feel they alone have heard God’s wisdom for everyone around them and obnoxiously bully their points are clearly missing the truth that each of us is His sheep and we each hear his voice individually for our own lives (John 10:27).  In my last article I spoke about grace and how each of us is under grace whether or not we recognize it. Grace isn’t about anything that we can do or go through but only about what Christ already went through for all of us. Dr Michael S. Heiser teaches that the bible was not written by a bunch of men zapped and taken over by the Holy Spirit in a trance-like state. It was written by real men that lived in the true struggles and circumstances of everyday life.  Circumstances that were conditioned and controlled by Yahweh. The Holy Spirit inspired the biblical writers while he used their minds and bodies and experiences in total conscience awareness to dictate the scripture as we know it. When I think about that and then revisit the image above reviewing all of the character “weaknesses” I am amazed that God’s perfection came through such imperfect people.

God chooses the empty. God chooses the weak. God chooses the broken. Do I qualify to be chosen? Do you? In skimming many of the biblical stories I noticed a simple pattern in the lives of those chosen by God:

 THEY ASK…

It seems each person and prophet used by God consciously emptied themselves and stood before God in their weak and fragmented states while making a choice to be used. They wanted to be chosen and they wanted to be God’s hands and feet on earth.

 “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’” Isaiah 6:8

 Isaiah was ready to rumble! He was standing in the presence of the divine council and yet seeing God in all His glory Isaiah wasn’t focused on his own weaknesses or shortcomings but was rather enraptured in the majesty of God and wanted to join in His work. When we keep our eyes on Jesus and the fact that we are saved by grace and covered by His righteousness we too can stand boldly before the divine council and ask God to send us, use us, mold us, fuse us.

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Worker bee enjoying labor in my flowers

THEY SET ASIDE STRIVING…

Do you realize the moment that you start striving to complete a work you are stepping out from under the protection grace provides? You are saying that you can do it alone and you can complete it without God, or at least mostly without God. I always think of a small child trying to open a heavy door. Every child I’ve ever seen will grasp for the door handle, stretching on their tip-toes as far as possible, and attempt over and again to open the door while an adult stands by patiently smiling and waiting for the child to give it up and step back and ask for help. I believe God is like this when we are striving to open doors. He simply stands there and waits for us to stop so He can hold the door open and let us pass through with ease. I read recently where someone wrote “When you are working God isn’t, when you stop then God starts working.” God doesn’t need our help in providing for us or for those around us. He is the Almighty and can in one word change the entire course of our lives. Joseph Prince teaches that when we begin to rest then he restores. Once we have asked God to use us we must be determined to keep to the narrow path of resting in Him and not putting any weight on our own deeds or hangups. Jesus paid the price once and for all so let’s stop focusing on our own righteousness and sin and shortcomings and rather rest in redemption.

David was a wonderful illustration of this in the bible. He knew he was anointed to be the next king of Israel yet he chose not to strive and take what was rightfully his to take. He did not kill Saul when given the opportunity, he did not militarily invade the palace and take over the kingdom God anointed him to rule, he did not even rush God in the process as he fled for his own life as a fugitive. He waited and rested and wrote psalms of praise while God worked to restore the crown for David. We know this wasn’t always an easy choice and we can hear some of the frustrations David voiced in his writing, yet again and again David claimed God as his Rock, his Fortress, and his Stronghold where he would rest and take refuge.

Some see serpents but God sees strategy
Some see serpents but God sees strategy

 THEY OPENED THEIR HEARTS…

 When trials and struggles hit it can be so hard to keep our hearts open. We tend to take everything wrong that happens to us as if God were deliberately and personally hurting us. On the other side of the spectrum we can immediately start pointing our finger at the devil and become victims in our own eyes to what we call spiritual warfare or attacks from Satan. I believe both extremes close our hearts to God. On the former, when we take what happens to us personally as if God himself were harming us we will obviously look at our Father in heaven as untrustworthy and believe that He isn’t really big enough to work in our lives to rescue us. On the other hand when we look at every unfortunate incident as if it were a spiritual attack from Satan then we close our hearts to God by believing the lie that Satan has a great extent of power over us and that God is untrustworthy, unable, or not big enough to prevent Satan from harming his people.

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

 We do not want to close our hearts to God when things get tough, but rather look for God’s opportunities, according to Fern at Discovering MErcy.   Since we left the Garden of Eden we live in the chaos of the world outside of the garden that God did not intend us to live in. This doesn’t mean that we are cursed by God but instead it means that we live in the world and all its chaos and calamity as designed in creation yet even in this state God promises that He will redeem all things for our good. When we are resting and not worrying about how things will work out God will be working things together for our good. Where we see obstacles God sees strategies.

 “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Matthew 5:45

 Job stood fast through the trials and the catastrophes that took place all around him. Yet in and through the process he did not curse God or close his heart to God. Job sought after God and was honest and cried out from the very depths of his soul for answers but you will note that he did not close his heart to God. In the end, as promised, God worked it out for the benefit of Job as all was redeemed seven times over.

God allows in His wisdom what He could easily prevent in His power. Graham Cooke
God allows in His wisdom what He could easily prevent in His power. Graham Cooke

THEY ACTIVATED THEIR FAITH…

 Once we have emptied ourselves as an offering to the Lord, asked Him to use us, and open our hearts to rest in His goodness and grace we are lined up perfectly for a walk of faith. We can truly look around and see where God is at work so that we can join in where we are called. Faith doesn’t have requirements and that is one of the things I love the most about it. Abraham didn’t have the ten commandments or the laws of sacrifice, he didn’t have a bible to reference to or the holy spirit living within him. All he had was an encounter with The Word when He appeared to him and based on that encounter Abraham stepped out in faith and believed! Abraham recognized that faith wasn’t about what he could do but through grace was about the one he worshipped, Yahweh.

I believe we get so bogged down in wondering where we are called to work for the Lord or where we can or cannot fit or what our spiritual gifting is and which ministry we are compatible to work in that we often forget that these things (bible, giftings, and gatherings) are simply tools given to us to help activate our faith. Faith is only about choosing to be led by God, wherever that leads. I think back to Gideon and how in Judges 6 God revealed His plan to Gideon and Gideon asked for sign after sign to know “it is really you talking to me” (Judges 6:17). God honored test after test for Gideon but when it came down to it Gideon still had to step out in faith with his army of only three hundred men to overtake the whole army of Midianites. Activating faith is something we cannot help doing when our hearts are open and we see God moving before us.

Asking God to use you, setting aside striving, opening your heart, and then activating your faith are patterns seen throughout the bible from the Old Testament into the New. When God calls someone he looks for the weak and the empty. He looks for the ones that will not be able to boast in their own deeds but rather give all praise and glory from the depths of their heart to the one true God. Am I qualified from my wheelchair and anxiety and anger right now to share and encourage those around me to love Jesus? NOPE! But that’s a good thing because the very thing that disqualifies me to those around me qualifies me in the eyes of my heavenly Father! Now that is good news!

He will mold us as we grow
He will mold us as we grow

“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are,  so that no one may boast before him.  It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.”  1 Corinthians 1:27-30

Maybe you have a history that you feel disqualifies you from sharing the gospel with those you used to hang around with. Perhaps you are struggling with a particular sin right now and feel that you are the last person that should speak out. It is possible you have broken relationships in your life and do not want to help another mediate their relationship to God. Whatever our reasons may be the fact remains that God is our object of worship and Jesus is our savior, which means we are not only qualified in His eyes but absolutely chosen. Where are you “weak” and empty? When you open your heart and look hard at those weak areas you will see through to the other side where God’s promise and victory lay. This vision of victory through Jesus will encourage your activated faith to carry you through to all His promises and goodness as you rest in restoration.

For more information on Joseph Prince visit http://www.josephprince.org

For more information and resources from Dr. Michael S. Heiser visit http://www.drmsh.com