Here is a link to an article recently published on UD-Daily about my experience this past week at UDEL working with inventor and entrepreneur Jay Martin (Martin Bionics) to be fitted for a new innovative type of prosthetic leg specifically geared for hip disarticulate patients. More updates and information to come on the project!
Click Below for the article:
Why I traded Candy Crushing for Embroidery
We all do it. We have some way of allowing ourselves to morph into zombies most evenings after long days of running, working, cooking, cleaning, and/or tending to the needs and demands of our families and friends. Sometimes I sit in front of Netflix for an hour or two. Other times I jump on Facebook to sift through the statuses and seemingly super exciting lives of others while reposting all the great and influential quotes I deem as noteworthy (regardless of redundancy) . Over the past year I have picked up another habit to keep my body producing melatonin far longer than necessary and causing me to rub my eyes and yawn in regret the next morning: Candy Crush.
You see my husband has been a third shift truck driver this past year and I have been a stay at home wife for nearly that long. While we do not have children yet I still manage to jam pack nearly every day with work and activity. I stay busy with gardening, yard work, flowers and landscaping, canning, sewing, cooking, research, and lately knitting hats for charity. Being an amputee causes the most basic task to take twice as much time so by the end of the day I find myself mentally and physically exhausted while yearning for the end-zone of monotony and boredom. I attribute this vulnerable state to being the reason why I so eagerly fell into the seducing arms of Candy Crush and a few other great online games.
At first the games seemed to be just what I was looking for: Sleek and attractive activity at the end of the day to fill time but still containing just the right dose of excitement and mindless stratagem to appease my restless soul.
As time went on I noticed I was spending more time zoning out in games or Facebook and less time I connecting with my husband during his break time via phone. I noticed that he would ask frequently, “Are you busy? Your mind seems somewhere else…” as I irritatingly insisted I was listening and only trying to beat a level in a game. Tired and cranky the next morning I would feel a little empty and even describe my time at the end of the day as “missing something”. I rationalized that everyone zones out and kills time before bed which clouded my thinking and prevented me from identifying the source of the hole in my life.
“She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Psalm 31:27
So I began to pray…I began to ask God why I felt empty at different times and why I felt so disconnected from reality. I asked God why when I read about others’ lives on Facebook I felt like I was lacking something in my own. I asked why I seemed to not want to play games yet was irrationally drawn to them even though I do not have an addictive personality. Most daringly I asked God to remove and redirect me away from anything that was causing me to not live in the moment and honor Him every minute of every day. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman as I continue to grow and be the wife I was created to be.
(Please note that I am not in any way attempting to speak out against online games, Facebook, or television but am merely sharing my opinion and personal experience. I fully and readily confess there have been times when I was knitting and watching Netflix while my husband read Facebook updates to me from across the room! Just “keepin’ it real”!)
Within a week of praying about this I received a gift from a dear friend of mine. She had embroidered and made a pillow for me. As I looked over her intense labor consisting of thousands of stitches forming beautiful flowers and displaying gorgeous color pallets a spark was lit in my heart. It didn’t come down like a lightning bolt from heaven and at this point I didn’t even have a clue that it was God speaking to me. Yet there it was… a message impressed on my heart that I couldn’t shake. Within a few days I marched to the front door of my friend with a project and newly purchased thread in my hand to sit down for my first lesson in embroidering.
“She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.” Proverbs 31:24
Over the next week I started to see the creativity in me develop. As I sat I would think about how I was embracing an art form that hundreds of generations before me have used to gift and bless those around them. From evenings by medieval firelight and colonial candles all the way to the electric lamp in my living room women have been embroidering for centuries. I began to feel I was a part of something bigger than myself and making even the slightest difference. Seeing my progress each evening helped me to look forward to tomorrow and whatever adventure it may hold.
“And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” Mark 4:39
Now more than ever I am convinced that the creative process allows for expression and processing within our minds. I believe processing allows for a space and creates capacity for us to review our day past and mentally prepare for our day to come. It also allows for healing to flow as we reconcile the things we have said and done that day and align ourselves with God’s will for our lives. Whether the project is embroidery, a puzzle, knitting, sewing, woodworking, or journaling I believe we are building the bridge between one day and the next as our mind and body works together to express itself through something tangible.
I have not felt that empty feeling in over a month at this point. On the contrary I have felt more connected to my surroundings than ever before. I watch my progress in knitting or embroidering and I can see the story of each day being told in the colors and stitches I choose. The conversations that come from my work brings me closer to those around me and I am present rather than distractedly consumed when speaking to my husband at night. As a bonus needlework does not cause melatonin to release and keep me awake beyond that of a healthy schedule.
“Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” Proverbs 31: 31
So while I surely do miss imagining myself with a hammer and fighting to achieve level 315 of Candy Crushing I can honestly say my quality of life has immensely improved through embroidering. Is there a creative process you can embrace today?
There is an update on my journey mentioned above published here.
Making Relish while Relishing Relationship
“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.” Psalm 77:11
Nearly everyone I know has a way of connecting with the past. For some reason as humans we feel the need to reach across generations and stretch ourselves outside of time even if just for a moment to connect with our past stories of how we came to be. Some people research genealogy and get lost in family history while others keep to certain family traditions and pass them on to their children. For me, the kitchen has involuntarily become my very own time capsule.
“He remembers his covenant forever, the promise he made, for a thousand generations…” 1 Chronicles 16:15
The rack of cast iron frying pans hanging in my kitchen was my great grandmother Chamberlain’s. I have slowly collected these from discarding family members over the past ten years and I have had no greater delight than cooking something for my own family in a well-seasoned and easy-to-clean pan. My great grandmother Chamberlain was a strong woman, a single mother of seven children whom sometimes held three jobs to hold her family together along with her eldest son. As I cook and reflect on her life and her hardships I often wonder what she would think about as she stood over these very same pans after working three jobs and coming home to care for a family. I wonder sometimes if she cried out to God the way that I do after a long day and whether she also found joy in the mundane things of life along the way.
“Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.” Psalm 25:6
My cupboards also contain the pots and pans that were my great grandmother Burke’s given to her as a wedding gift circa 1920. These came to me from my Aunt at a time when I was about to purchase new pots and pans and fed up with the chemical warning labels. Never have I seen a set of pans in better condition and knowing these were used on our family farm to feed the mass of family members congregating truly speaks volumes of my great grandmother’s care and appreciation for her possessions. There have been many times when those pans were not easy to clean that I have stood over them scrubbing and wondering how these have lasted for nearly 100 years of use and whether they will retain their pristine condition after the likes of me!
“They remembered that God was their Rock, that God Most High was their Redeemer.” Psalm 78:35
Around the edges of my counter tops, lining my cupboards, and holding my sugar, tea, coffee, cookies, etc. is a huge set of old Village Brown Pfaltzgraff canisters passed on to me by my own mother. It was the set that she used after being married and as a toddler I clearly remember being reprimanded when reaching for the sugar canister from the edge of the counter. This set throws me back to the foundation of her and my father’s marriage, my pre-amputation days, while somehow bringing to me great comfort and peace as I use these same dishes and plates in my own home.
All of these items transport me back in time but there is one thing that stands apart from all the rest: canning. About five years ago my husband wanted me to learn how to can peaches for him. He bought me the beginning water bath canning kit, mason jars, and a box of peaches while heading out to the garage to build shelves for the final product. I remember calling my grandmother Rodriguez and telling her that no matter how many times I read the recipe I might has well have been an alien reading Japanese for all the sense I could make of it. She laughed and reminded me that growing up during the depression with seven siblings taught her a lot and that she would be right over without the need for a recipe. She began to teach me how to sterilize jars, wipe lids, remove air bubbles, and can food in a way that would leave my shelves lined with the vibrant colors of summer to enjoy one jar at a time year round.
Five years later we continue to can everything we can garden and put our hands on. It surely is no easy task as any homesteader will confirm. With my disability it can be an even more challenging project as I hoist the big pots laden with empty jars and bushels of produce up the basement steps and into my tiny kitchen. I have since learned how to read canning recipes and we still spend our canning days sharing stories of my grandmother’s childhood, her marriage, and her life as we ladle the same foods she ladled with her mom into the hot, clear glass jars.
Spending this time together closes the gap of generations as we perform the same tasks done by countless women in our family history. We connect in a way that shows me how God has worked in my family and a way that makes the hours fly by without either of us noticing.
“But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.” Psalm 103:17-18
Remembering where we come from and embracing our history is something that is not foreign to God’s people. A simple bible search for the word “remember” renders 231 results! God wanted His people to remember the traditions and realize the richness of the grace and love he lavishly provided even while his people were still living under the Law of Moses. Just as in knowing the hard work of canning before electricity was invented makes me appreciate being a modern canner; so remembering how people operated in grace while under the Law of Moses allows me to appreciate the way Jesus set us free from these rules of religion.
“Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don’t you remember?” Mark 8:18
While canning there are a ton of rules to follow: Keep your jars hot; wipe the rims before placing on the lids; Don’t reuse your lids; Each food needs to be in the canner a certain amount of time; Listen for the “ping” of the seals; do not leave unsealed jars out because of the dangers of botulism. When I am canning alone I tend to worry about these things and anxiously keep “on my toes” making sure everything is being done just right so that my time and food are not wasted. But when my grandmother is with me I relax fully in the nature of our relationship trusting that she knows just what to do and when to do it and will alert me if I stray from the course. I do not worry about how the food will turn out tomorrow because we are talking and laughing and sharing history with one another. We are relishing relationship even as we make the relish!
I feel that our relationship with God is much the same way. It is so easy to get caught up in trying to remember the rules. We try to follow the Ten Commandments and do “good” to ensure our own salvation tomorrow. But with Jesus in our heart all of the rules pass away as we enjoy our relationship with Him. The Bible helps us to marinate in the history of our people and as we enjoy the stories and the presence of the relationship with Jesus all of the rules fade into oblivion. We become consumed by the relationship and remembering the greatness of the one we are in relationship with.
“I thank God, whom I serve, as my ancestors did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers.” 2 Timothy 1:3
The frying pans and the pots from both of my great grandmother’s do little more for me than stir my imagination and appreciation for the things I have been told. But while canning side by side with my grandmother history comes to life because my grandmother is with me and present. Each time together ingrains an experience into my being not just my mind. When we approach the bible the same way and experience the relationship first we can be transformed by grace from the inside out in ways that we would never have imagined otherwise.
“But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.” Deuteronomy 8:18
This season of canning is about over and there is one day left (my favorite of all): Apples. Applesauce, Pie filling, and Apple Butter are on my list this year and with my grandmother being 78 years old I am going to allow the day with her to be forever imprinted into my memory. I know she will be gone one day and I will be standing in my kitchen either alone or with my own children. I’m so grateful that Jesus stretches beyond his lifetime so that his Holy Spirit is with me always just as real as if He were standing right next to me. Everything changes around us: electricity, recipes, even people come and go. But the one thing that doesn’t change is how we experience relationship because relationships are outside of time.
“In that day you will say: “Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted.” Isaiah 12:4
It brings our Father delight when we remember and think back on the great things he has done around us. Testimonies we share with one another are powerful as they remind us just how magnificent and great our God is. Remembering and connecting in relationship can bring change to our entire day/week/month. Each time we remember what God has done for us we are experiencing a treasured moment in relationship with him.
So whether we are canning tomatoes or pickling relish one thing is true: relationships reconnect us to remember. So…enjoy our modern day luxuries and plug in to remembering where you came from, where God is taking you, and who is important around you.
“Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.” Isaiah 46:9
Hello dear friends and followers! It may seem as if I have simply dropped off the face of the earth (or internet) as of late. In reality my new leg has been quite a journey for me and one full of ups and downs!
Back in July I received my newest leg which costs over $53,000 causing my husband and I to no longer look at my wedding band as “bling”. Yes, in my opinion this leg should be sparkling from a mile away! But while it doesn’t blind any with its light it certainly does possess the latest technology for hip-disarticulate amputees including a Helix Hip Joint and Pile (pronounce Pill-A) microprocessor knee. The foot is altogether another beast that is apparently the most lightweight available. So if you haven’t seen me sprint by you yet at lightning speed all I can say is “Get ready.”
Re-adjusting to different materials and three new joints (hip, knee, ankle) has not been an easy process. The first week I could walk but not even sit down with my new toy because of the pain it caused sitting. The first time I put the leg on in the doctor’s office my prosthetist told me to “have a seat”. Not knowing how to operate the new joints I tried to explain that if I sat the leg wouldn’t work properly. He kept repeating and assuring me that I was thinking too much and that if I just sat my leg would follow. At this point I “just sat” and with him standing directly in front of me my new leg flew straight up missing his groin by a centimeter (and by the terrified look on his face that measurement is an exaggeration). From that point forward we both agreed to more adjustments and a little more space between us during practice times.
The second week I could do a little sitting but mostly only walk and stand. It was then that we headed to a picnic with some friends. As I walked around the party with my beautiful dress I headed over to the picture table and realized something had just fell out of the bottom of my dress. As I looked down to find a white pad about 2×5 on the ground, I quietly cursed whichever leg mechanic forgot to secure that in there because in front of me were the two repulsed faces of young men labeling me as gross! I mean let’s be real, what conclusion would you have come to? (Yes, even being a Christian I have my moments of foulness when I can thank God for His righteousness because I sure am not holy!) Of course all I could do was pick up my “pad”, smile, and dash for my husband’s side in embarrassment knowing that any explanation at that point would simply bury me but if they just saw me by my husband’s side they would somehow know I wasn’t totally repulsive to everyone!
Meanwhile the warranty is still covering the leg and I have made sure to test every last thing possible. When taking a walk downhill at my parents their new puppy barreled up behind me and knocked both feet out from under me causing me to land hard on my new $24,000 Pile knee. (Pile is pronounced Pill-A – though when I spell it out I can only see Pile as in a huge pile of money being spent on a very little piece of equipment!) Since then my doctor is wondering why I walk funny and have a hard time trusting my leg when going downhill and I’m not so sure yet how to explain that a trauma inducing two month old adorable black ball of fur is to blame. I’ve gardened, fell down, abandoned the leg, covered it in sand, gotten it wet, dug in the dirt, jumped off of the porch, and sat in the rain just to be sure that it truly can handle the wear and tear of the gorilla I imagine it advertises for.
The last few weeks have been a slow process of removing more and more of the “bucket” that attaches the leg to me in order to make the leg more lightweight, cooler, and comfortable. This has also been a trying process as every week that I bring the leg home I then have to figure out how to “do life” with this new piece of equipment all over again. As of today, I am far from finished. There is a motion analysis in my future, more tests, and more adjustments yet to come. And I wonder why I have been so tired lately at the end of each day?
One thing is for sure, technology doesn’t stop for adjustment periods. I just was informed last week that there is a new socket (the part that attaches to my body) available for hip disarticulates that looks like a bikini. It has been nicknamed the “bikini leg” since it attaches as such. The prospect of the weightless attachment is so exciting I eagerly asked for a bikini fitting from my doctor only to receive a raised eyebrow and an awkward moment of silence. Ah, the realities of leg life!
According to “Edge” magazine only 1-2% of amputees are hip disarticulate and of that only 25% choose to wear their prosthesis at all. So as I continue pioneering with my doctor (John Horne) what it looks like to make a hip-disarticulate leg comfortable and durable to wear as many hours as I choose and for all sorts of activities I expect to be tired and fatigued and frustrated as I have been this past month.
In my exhaustion I have been forced to isolate myself from people and activities that I have simply not had the capacity beyond my own struggles to partake in. It has been during the past lonely month that I have learned to pray scripture into my life when words have not been present and my soul groans under the stress and pressure I am facing. Psalm 71 has been one chapter that I have prayed over and again during this time.
“For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.
From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
I will ever praise you.
I have become a sign to many;
you are my strong refuge.
My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.” Psalm 71:5-9
Sometimes when I walk my leg starts to feel very heavy and I feel like I am dragging it behind me. I notice when this happens I try to visualize myself walking free and fast. When visualizing still doesn’t give me the boost I need I have learned to get out my little hand pump and check the PSI (like a tire) that is in my knee because anything less than 85 PSI in my knee makes me feel like I am being sluggish. (Here’s another great visual of me traumatizing folks by flipping my foot around in public at a 180 Degree angle and pumping air into it!)
Visualizing the answer to my prayers for peace, patience, and wisdom from heaven is biblical. Unlike in my physical situation where using my own strength to visualize a leg that isn’t there doesn’t work; when we visualize and believe to receive help from the Holy Spirit our Father promises to grant that to us.
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24
Because of the price tag on this leg I try not to “cast it” to Jesus, But I do cast my cares to Him and celebrate each day and each humorous moment because who knows what tomorrow will bring? Each day has had enough for me to face.
Blessings to each of you and thank you for being followers of this blog and of my journey!
Waiting in Wonder
I love to inspire others and reach out to help others. I have always wanted to share my experiences and to bless the people around me. Back in January 2013 I began praying about my purpose in life and asking God to give me direction in regards to this question. I recorded in my journal in January 2013 that I felt God was nudging me to write more and that this would be the year I would start moving towards my dream. I felt that for me 2013 would be a year of “Roots” going deeper and establishing character as I stepped out and started to move towards my destiny.
As the year continued I spent so much time in the word; writing and studying but no opportunity seemed to be opening up in regards to allowing my gift to begin noticeable growth. I continued praying and sharing with my husband about the situation and long about September 2013 I received a strong confirmation that it was time. A friend asked me to write for her blog and after praying I accepted but seemed a little insecure about the idea of writing online. During a plane ride to Seattle, WA in September I felt the presence of the Lord interrupt me from the magazine I was reading. I started praying and was led to an article which asked the bold question: “What is your dream? Can you dare to ask God what you are to do to follow your dream? It is time…” While I don’t remember the magazine article or the author of these words I do remember that I knew in my heart it was the Lord speaking to me directly.
Shortly after this I felt led to quit my job and step out in faith for the next thing that God had called me to. A few months later I finally obeyed and my last day of work was Nov 19, 2013. I am several months into my new journey and a little nervous as to what God can do with a stay at home woman with no children to tend to and no income to bring in! I really believed that when I stopped working I would suddenly bear children and become a soccer mom within the span of a few short months. (Imaginations have no time restrictions I have found!) Still though, whatever His plan is I am embracing it by stepping out and doing what I felt led to do. From here, God will take the rest. Even if I am wrong, because God is a merciful God He will lead me gently to the place where I should be!
Nearly a year into this journey I have a whole new set of questions that have arose during my time of waiting. What is my purpose to be while working here in the home? What is my worth to society, to my husband, and to others if I am not able to produce monetary value? Who are we aside from the things we acquire, the jobs we have, even the things that we do to “help”?
I have embraced my new role with my entire heart and soul. In the winter months I spent countless hours crocheting my dishcloths, doing lots of projects to prepare for the (someday) child, writing, and worshiping. When spring kicked in I realized that my priorities moved outdoors as I took up the mowing, flowers, landscaping, and vegetable gardening. Soon it will be time to can and freeze our produce and do any other projects we can manage to squeeze in on our “new-young-homeowner” budget before fall. And this is where I find the frustration of waiting on God and His timing.
When we step out in faith we are in a place mentally where we really believe that we are about to step right into the “next best thing”. Faith seems to work like that. We get in the car and in our minds we already have arrived at our destination because we have full faith and expectation that we will be there very shortly. I take each step confidently because I have full faith that my foot will catch me within a few short seconds. Living in faith is such a natural part of our lives that when we reach a point of living in faith for long periods of time we become double minded. We begin to question our calling, ourselves, even God’s plan.
“For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.” Hebrews 11:10
Even Abraham, one of the great fathers of our faith set out believing and looking for a “city with foundations”. While scripture is not clear on Abraham’s exact thoughts during this process I feel as if I can relate to him in what I am facing right now. When I obeyed God in staying home and ceasing work outside of the home I immediately began looking for some tangible results of a pregnancy, a business opportunity, or a writing/speaking schedule. Yet here I am nearly a year later wandering about my own yard multiplying and dividing flowers and crying out to God about my own purpose. (Sure, I have considered maybe it is my personal commission to “carry the gardens to the end of the earth” but after a solid week of back-breaking work and a peek at the market price of “earth” I quickly determined that must not be my destiny!)
“13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth” Hebrews 11: 13
Lately my husband and I have been attending DE-HOP (Delaware – House of Prayer) time of worship and intercession. A friend Patrick Dougherty that we met through this that does not know us at all recently sent an email that encourages me exactly where I am. This man knew nothing about me except what God had shown him and among some very personal things that he encouraged me with he also wrote: “I see growth, green grass growing as God moves you into position. He’s telling me that you will begin a season soon where He will start to awaken you to who you truly are in Him and what you carry. He made your heart to be fulfilled by making a difference and you’ve only barely tasted of what you were designed to be fulfilled by.”
These words are like honey to my ears! My entire being springs forth in joy and my spirit inside rises to attention as if I were in the very same room with my King. I received the words of encouragement and began to think not only about Abraham but all of the others listed in Hebrews 11 that “were still living by faith when they died.” Who am I to know God’s plans and to know that what I am walking through right now isn’t exactly where I am supposed to be? Perhaps I am looking for something tangible as Abraham was when in fact God has something completely different in mind for me?
Waiting can be hard, waiting can be lonely. But I am realizing that I am not alone at all. I am available. I am free to go wherever He would send me and available to do whatever He would have me do.I no longer hold onto ideas of what my destiny should look like.
I am laying them down continually at the feet of Jesus so that the worry is not mine,
the burden is not mine, and the joy flows freely. He knows the plans that He has for me (Jer 29:11) and allowing the reins to remain in His hands is the only way I can enjoy each day and grow in true faith.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
*For more information on Patrick Daugherty visit his website DiscoverFirstLove.com or his blog at GodsFireStarter.com
Live YOUR Life – Review and Tool from Byron Katie’s Book
Today I have discarded all of my notes and want to write from recent experience. Many of my friends and loved ones are going through very serious trials and tribulations. As I listen to them speak of these things in my mind I so clearly hear their heart crying out, “Why?! I just want this to be over!” This echoes in my own mind as I realize it is also my heart cry in so many different areas.
I want to provide a tool I have recently stumbled upon for looking at our circumstances and relationships. As many of you know this blog is not just about experiences and stories but about real life answers and tools that we can use everyday to relate to life in a healthy way. I believe that there often is a missing link in our church education system in providing real life tools for breaking out of our former mindsets and truly embracing the freedom Jesus died to give us.
Perspective can be everything when we are struggling with something. Going back to remembering the three spheres of influence, Mine, God’s, Others helps us to realize that whenever we are stepping outside of our circle we feel stress, and when we feel stress it means we have a false belief.
Byron Katie wrote a book titled, “Loving What Is” that challenges this cry from our hearts in so many ways. She challenges us to look at any belief we have in our life and ask the question “Is this true, do I absolutely KNOW this is true?” She points out that if we learn to love “what is” simply because “it is” then we will find true freedom from the inside out.
“Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.” Psalm 51: 6
Is this true? Do I absolutely KNOW this is true?
If we believe, “I just want this to be over” we need to ask ourselves, “Do we really know this is true?” How do we KNOW we want whatever we are facing to be over? How many times have we got to the end of something and then realized we wished we were back in the middle of it again? How do we KNOW that at the end of what we are facing we will be much happier? Truthfully we cannot ever know these things and therefore we cannot know that we want to get out of our current circumstances.
Who would I be without this thought?
She then goes on to encourage us to inquire within, “Who would I be without this thought?” Who would you be without getting up every day and believing “I just want to be out of this circumstance?” Can you dare to imagine if every day you awoke believing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now and feeling good about that? Would your attitude change, would your day change? Would your stress level change? In her words,”Can you give me one stress free reason to hang on to this thought?”
Turn it around!
When you imagine life without that thought it becomes easier to take the next step in her process. The next step is to turn around the belief. So, “I just want this to be over” will turn around to “I don’t want to this to be over” or “I look forward to this not being over”. As you turn a belief around your mind process becomes open to the things that are positive about the situation you are in and begin to look at the circumstances without the stress and without the overwhelming sense of burden.
This process is a strongly recommended tool to use not only in circumstances but also in the relationships we are in. Her book is full of relationship examples where someone holds to a belief system about a relationship that really is locking them into that pattern. The idea is that what we see in others is only a mirror image of what we see in ourselves.
So if you hold to the belief that, “My husband is mean to me.” And you begin to inquire about this you will come to the conclusion after answering the questions and turning it around that if you believe your husband is mean to you then you feel you deserve to be treated this way or you treat yourself that way. You are mean to you. Reality is you cannot really know that your husband is mean to you. You cannot be inside of his head to know what he is thinking when he acts in ways that you perceive as “mean”. You cannot know that in his head he is deliberately being mean to you. But you can turn that around and realize that you are putting up with it and that is you being mean to yourself.
“Therefore, rejecting all falsity and being done now with it, let everyone express the truth with his neighbor, for we are all parts of one body and members one of another.” Ephesians 4: 25
Everything and everyone around us is our teacher. In the last example of the “mean husband” you were taught that the truth is that you are mean to yourself. Now, when you perceive your husband is “mean” to you things can be different as you choose to treat yourself kindly and respond in a way that is kind to yourself. (Whether being kind to yourself is removing yourself from the room, not receiving or believing the words used towards you, or simply not letting it get to you at all.)
When I first started to read this book I had such a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of the turnaround. Realizing that what I see others doing to me is actually how I see myself or treat myself and feel I deserve to be treated that way. We are programmed to blame shift and to see faults around us but not within us. It is so easy to become the victim and believe that others should change the way they treat us and have no part in it. But when we begin loving what is and learning more about ourselves and how we can treat ourselves with truth and life rather than false paradigms we experience freedom.
As of now I am just beginning this journey using the inquiry tool. It has only been about six months for me but I can attest to the fact that it truly is life changing. There is something refreshing when we realize that most of our negative thoughts we cannot REALLY know are true.
My mother always told us, “There are three sides to every story: Yours, the other person’s and then the truth.” Only God knows the truth, and when we begin to hold our thoughts and beliefs one at a time up to God as we inquire about them He can shine His light and we can let them go without allowing our beliefs to control and sometimes even ruin our lives.
“And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free”. John 8: 32
Knowing Jesus and allowing all of our negative thoughts be held up to Him (the Truth) brings us into a place of true worship. There have been so many times that I have held up thoughts and beliefs to these questions of inquiry and realized that they are not necessarily true at all but simply burdening my mind and stressing me out. Every time I turn these beliefs around I feel so enlightened and it transports me into a place of worship and praise to Jesus who is the author and finisher of our faith! This place I believe is true freedom and truly working out my salvation as I renew my mind in Christ one thought at a time!
“Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.” Philippians 2:12
Blessings to each of you as you inquire and bring your thoughts subject to Christ (the Truth). I pray you may find a new freedom using this tool as you are led by the Holy Spirit to love the Lord and the circumstances in which you find yourself. May you learn to love yourself in a new way as the reality of how you treat yourself comes to light. May you love others in an unburdened way as you are able to let go of accusations and perceptions regarding your relationships. Shalom!
*This writing is based on the works of Byron Katie and her recent book “Loving What Is”. This article is not meant to represent Byron Katie in any way and Crutchprints in the Sand is of no affiliation with her copyrighted book. Crutchprints in the Sand refers and writes about this book and tool in an opinionated way that does not reflect the views of the author.
A New Leg of My Journey
Twenty five years ago chemotherapy looked so very different than it does now. This was before nausea medicine, before steroid injections, before platelet shots. Back then most blood transfusions were not scanned for HIV and most drugs were experimental. Treatment with chemo often took a patient to the brink of death and then stopping to see if they bounced back, a real “no pain no gain” era. It truly was the blood and gore battlefield that gave cancer treatment such a horrible name. In my experience more children died from the experimental drugs and chemotherapy treatments than from the cancer it seemed. (And every one of us that made it through owes our lives to the very same treatments God had his hand upon!)
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
Recently walking through the local cancer treatment center with someone very dear to me battling breast cancer I was so shocked with how far medical science has come since those days. It seems they foresee every single side effect now and have a sort of treatment plan to keep you functioning at nearly 85% throughout the treatment. A statistic that was unheard of back in my day!
As I walked along with a nurse during the tour she asked about my leg being amputated and if treatment seems to have changed much in twenty five years. I smiled and said, “Oh yes, I always thought I would never have it in me to fight cancer twice but after seeing this today I am sure that if God would lead me to it then He would lead me through it. Back then there wasn’t even any nausea medicine if you can imagine what that was like or what it did to our stomachs, mouths, and OH the sores!” The nurse shook her head in disbelief as I found words for what I truly was feeling inside of my heart.
“It feels,” I continued, “Like somehow all of the experimental things I was apart of twenty five years ago and all of the studies I have partaken in since have been worth it. It feels as if I am somehow a part of getting us to this point here today where patients don’t have to nearly die before being able to live again. It feels so right to see things come full circle like this.”
“But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
As we exited the building I realized every detail right down to greeters has changed. The greeters met us at the door with golf carts to take us back to our vehicle. Smiling, asking how my appointment was (I didn’t have the heart to tell them the appointment wasn’t even for me) I knew that to many people entering and exiting the treatment center that just one smile and question may be the very thing to give them strength for the rest of their day.
“Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12
Today, twenty five years later living with the aftermath of cancer and amputation my life looks a lot different. For all of my sharing about my struggles with the prosthesis I have begun a new journey to look for answers. Realizing that only 4% of amputees are amputated as high up as I am has been something that I have always accepted and in a way simply allowed to drown me in helplessness.
Then about six weeks ago I went for a truckload of mulch and came home, dipped my shovel into it a mere two times before I heard the SNAP (and no “crackle” or “pop” to follow) which meant that I was not listening to a Kellog’s commercial but rather my leg had broken once again. Feeling defeated and completely helpless since my husband was at work and I was alone with a forecast of pending rain and a truckload of mulch I broke out the duct tape to make finishing the bare minimum of my task possible. As my Chihuahuas watched their “crazy mama” taped up her leg and started digging back into the mulch. I was full of anger and shedding tears of despair as a new plan was brewing under the surface.
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11
I decided that if this is happening to me and it isn’t happening to anyone else there is something wrong with that. If others are not wearing their hip disarticulate prosthesis to do any high-functioning tasks (like mulching, canning, painting on ladders, walking miles, digging, or jumping out of truck beds) then there is something wrong with that picture! I decided that if the leg I currently have is the absolute best that is to be offered to me at my high level of activity for my amputation type then there is something wrong with that picture as well! Maybe if the legs were more functional, comfortable, and high performing the 4% of amputees would be wearing their legs more! Perhaps the problem isn’t that there is “no demand” as I have been told but rather that the demand is a silent and seeming defeated one.
Since then this writer/wife/amputee/gardener/speaker has morphed into a pioneer. I have started a journey to find not only what is already invented out there to but couple with doctors and inventors willing to take on my situation and think out of the box to create something that hasn’t been created yet. If there is a silent demand then I will give a voice to that and bring it to life in hopes that the other 4% will begin to come out of their holes and begin to dream a little more big than “I must deal with it because there is no other way”. After all, is it really unreasonable for me to dream of walking down the beach with my husband in Port Canaveral, FL without my leg breaking and my needing to seek out a park ranger for a screwdriver? Talk about killing the romance!
So after nearly twenty emails to different places and phone calls here and there I started the journey today with the first group to take me up on my quest. I had a three hour evaluation which left me depleted emotionally, physically, and even mentally. As the team was blown away test after test at my ability and physical fitness for my type of amputation I felt a sense of accomplishment and peace within my heart. Here I am once again paving the way for future amputees and survivors to walk. It may not be an easy road for me now but someday when I walk through a center that specializes in the very thing I am overcoming I will smile back and know that God used me in this very small way to make a difference for the second time in my life.
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
Sometimes rather than see the struggle and see the pain that is in the “here and now” we must force ourselves to look out at the horizon and embrace that we can either be the stone that rejects the builder or allow ourselves to be used in the foundation of something much bigger than ourselves. For me, rather than suffering through and waiting for someone else to step up to the plate, I am choosing to say, “Here I am Lord!”
(1 Samuel 3)
This is a poem that I wrote for my friend Nancy. She has been a very dear friend of mine for the past ten or so years. She is always inspiring, encouraging, and uplifting. As I scuttled around the house one morning this poem and picture was in my mind for her.
It is such a beautiful picture of Father’s love for us that I want to share it here. As you read it, insert your own name and allow the Holy Spirit to wrap you in His special embrace.
Butterfly, Oh Nancy
Oh Nancy you are so special to me
I see you as a butterfly wishing to be free
In cobwebs you’ve been hung up for so long
And now I see you singing a new song
The beauty in triumph, the beauty of your wings
Yet struggles are sticky and to you they cling
To see the spider heading towards you to bite
Butterfly, Oh Nancy you don’t have to fight
The radiant beauty you have from above
Has given you this incredible attitude of love
To know you is to truly experience
As if to sit and share on a bench
Your Father is here he is watching each step
Butterfly, oh Nancy, in surrender you are kept
The way you look at life with such mystery
The visions of your mind the way things should be
Scouring your world for images to post
Your reflections and learnings of which you boast
I see the promises of God stretching before
As you fly in the sun and look up for more
Butterfly, oh Nancy, don’t short yourself
Your tears are in a bottle on heaven’s shelf
Let the wind of the Spirit take you up by your wings
As you smile in the true Son, feel what that brings
Your legacy is in process and nothing is lost
Bursting from your cocoon you know what it cost
But now it is over and there’s nothing to left to do
Now you can experience life anew
Do you hear the whisper, calling your name?
Butterfly, oh Nancy, your life I frame
Am I the only amputee that finds myself afraid of things I can’t run from? No, I am not talking about things like bears, cheetahs, and wolves because no one can outrun them and I don’t really feel that I am on a different playing field where they are concerned. I’m talking the REALLY dangerous animals, like mice.
A few weeks ago I was up very early and headed to the hospital to see a family member. I had just sold a set of bowls online and went to grab them to meet up with the buyer so my parking fees at the hospital would be covered in cash. Singing “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah” (not an exaggeration I really do sing this song) I bounced down to the basement, grabbed my bowls, turned around and there it was. A cute, fuzzy, brown, fat, and healthy – ZOMBIE mouse!
My first reaction was to scream and drop the bowls. I started screaming and clutching the bowls with my death clutch (there was no way I was going to lose the money for my parking meter). It took about three real seconds to come to the conclusion that I was in the house alone and no one could hear me. That’s when flashbacks set in as I knew this mouse was going to run right up my fake leg and I wouldn’t even feel it, it would kill and eat me alive in my very own basement and it would be an entire day before anyone found me there victimized and tragically obliterated.
Apparently the mouse had gotten into some poison because it was nodding off as it sat there, would stumble towards me a little, then stop and nod off some more. I didn’t know what to do! I had my fake leg on and that limits my running ability…and jumping ability. I was completely trapped in the corner between the mouse, my basement cabinets, and the pool table. I debated taking my leg off and throwing it at him, but it didn’t take me long to know that I could never again wear my $100,000 chunk of metal after it crushed a live mouse to death. I mean, what if the blood germs carried disease? It took about ten more seconds for my “flight” reaction to kick in as I scrambled on top of the pool table with my bowls, crutches and all to crawl to safety.
But was it really over? How could I rest in peace knowing there was a zombie mouse apocalypse happening right below my very dining room? How was I to function? How could I leave my precious Chihuahuas home when at any given moment this mouse could morph into my living room and latch onto them as a vampire would?
From the top of the steps with a broom and two crutches, I kept my eyes locked on the target. I was seriously going to deal with this. So I called my father. Now, any father that has ever had any doubt about being replaced by a husband and thus no longer important please rest assured. There WILL be that one day at 6 AM when you least expect the phone to ring that your daughter will be huddled in the stairwell fighting for her very life and need rescued while her husband is at work. Oh yes, it is true, my father had to come rescue me and “handle it”. To this day, as I am leery as I walk around outside knowing not where my father exactly “handled it”…
All that to say; I don’t know if it is the fact that I wouldn’t feel a mouse on my fake leg or that I couldn’t run from a mouse with my fake leg that has me petrified. Perhaps I’m just afraid of mice.
Today I have discarded all of my notes and want to write from recent experience. Many of my friends and loved ones are going through very serious trials and tribulations. As I listen to them speak of these things in my mind I so clearly hear their heart crying out, “Why?! I just want this to be over!” This echoes in my own mind as I realize it is also my heart cry in so many different areas.
I want to provide a tool I have recently stumbled upon for looking at our circumstances and relationships. As many of you know this blog is not just about experiences and stories but about real life answers and tools that we can use everyday to relate to life in a healthy way. I believe that there often is a missing link in our church education system in regards to providing real life tools for breaking out of our former mindsets and truly embracing the freedom Jesus died to give us.
Perspective can be everything when we are struggling with something. Going back to remembering the three spheres of influence, Mine, God’s, Others helps us to realize that whenever we are stepping outside of our circle we feel stress, and when we feel stress it means we have a false belief.
Byron Katie wrote a book titled, “Loving What Is” that challenges this cry of our hearts in so many ways. She challenges us to look at any belief we have in our life and ask the question “Is this true, do I absolutely KNOW this is true?” She points out that if we learn to love what is simply because it is then we will find true freedom from the inside out.
“Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.” Psalm 51: 6
Is this true? Do I absolutely KNOW this is true?
If we believe, “I just want this to be over” we need to ask ourselves, “Do we really know this is true?” How do we KNOW we want whatever we are facing to be over? How many times have we got to the end of something and then realized we wished we were back in the middle of it again? How do we KNOW that at the end of what we are facing we will be so much happier? Truthfully we cannot ever know these things and therefore we cannot know that we want to get out of our current circumstances.
Who would I be without this thought?
She then goes on to encourage us to inquire within, “Who would I be without this thought?” Who would you be without getting up every day and believing “I just want to be out of this circumstance?” Can you dare to imagine if every day you awoke believing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now and feeling good about that? Would your attitude change, would your day change? Would your stress level change? In her words,”Can you give me one stress free reason to hang on to this thought?”
Turn it around!
When you imagine life without that thought it becomes easier to take the next step in her process. The next step is to turn around the belief. So, “I just want this to be over” will turn around to “I don’t want to this to be over” or “I look forward to this not being over”. As you turn a belief around your mind process becomes open to the things that are positive about the situation you are in and begin to look at the circumstances without the stress and without the overwhelming sense of burden.
This process is a strongly recommended tool to use not just on circumstances but also on the relationships we are in. Her book is full of relationship examples where someone holds to a belief system about a relationship that really is locking them into that pattern. The idea is that what we see in others is only a mirror image of what we see in ourselves.
So if you hold to the belief that, “My husband is mean to me.” And you begin to inquire about this you will come to the conclusion after answering the questions and turning it around that if you believe your husband is mean to you then you feel you deserve to be treated this way or you treat yourself that way. You are mean to you. Reality is you cannot really know that your husband is mean to you. You cannot be inside of his head to know what he is thinking when he acts in ways that you perceive as “mean”. You cannot know that in his head he is deliberately being mean to you. But you can turn that around and realize that you are putting up with it and that is you being mean to yourself.
“Therefore, rejecting all falsity and being done now with it, let everyone express the truth with his neighbor, for we are all parts of one body and members one of another.” Ephesians 4: 25
Everything and everyone around us is our teacher. In the last example through the “mean husband” you were taught that the truth is that you are mean to yourself. Now, when you perceive your husband is “mean” to you things can be different as you choose to treat yourself kindly and respond in a way that is kind to yourself. (Whether being kind to yourself is removing yourself from the room, not receiving or believing the words used towards you, or simply not letting it get to you at all.)
When I first started to read this book I had such a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of the turnaround. Realizing that what I see others doing to me is actually how I see myself or treat myself and feel I deserve to be treated that way. We are programmed to blame shift and to see faults around us but not within us. It is so easy to become the victim and believe that others should change the way they treat us and have no part in it. But when we begin loving what is and learning more about ourselves and how we can treat ourselves with truth and life rather than false paradigms we experience freedom.
As of now I am just beginning this journey using the inquiry tool. It has only been about six months for me but I can attest to the fact that it truly is life changing. There is something refreshing when we realize that most of our negative thoughts we cannot REALLY know are true. Only God knows the truth, and when we begin to hold our thoughts and beliefs one at a time up to God as we inquire about them He can shine His light and we can let them go without allowing our beliefs to control and sometimes even ruin our lives.
“And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free”. John 8: 32
Knowing Jesus and allowing all of our negative thoughts be held up to Him (the Truth) brings us into a place of true worship. There have been so many times that I have held up thoughts and beliefs to these questions of inquiry and realized that they are not necessarily true at all but simply burdening my mind and stressing me out. Every time I turn these beliefs around I feel so enlightened and it transports me into a place of worship and praise to Jesus who is the author and finisher of our faith! This place I believe is true freedom and truly working out my salvation as I renew my mind in Christ one thought at a time!
“Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.” Philippians 2:12
Blessings to each of you as you inquire and bring your thoughts subject to Christ (the Truth). I pray you may find a new freedom using this tool as you are led by the Holy Spirit to love the Lord and the circumstances in which you find yourself. May you learn to love yourself in a new way as the reality of how you treat yourself comes to light. May you love others in an unburdened way as you are able to let go of accusations and perceptions regarding your relationships. Shalom!
*This writing is based on the works of Byron Katie and her recent book “Loving What Is”. This article is not meant to represent Byron Katie in any way and Crutchprints in the Sand is of no affiliation with her copyrighted book. Crutchprints in the Sand refers and writes about this book and tool in an opinionated way that does not reflect the views of the author.
