Crutchprints in the Sand

Chaos Free Circles – Operating from a place of peace

It is my desire today to write about chaos. Chaos is all around us and affects us in so many ways. For several years I heard from a therapist, “I don’t do chaos” and one day I finally asked her what this meant. It makes sense that we try to stay away from drama and other unnecessary situations that exploit us but it seemed to me that there were situations of chaos in my life that I couldn’t identify until it was too late.

As I started to talk with Fern (DiscoveringMErcy.org) about chaos she was able to break it down for me very clearly. As we discussed the definition of chaos, the categories of chaos, and healthy responses to chaos, clarity began to take hold in my mind. I felt lighter and somehow more free.

To put it simply, chaos is confusion. Anytime there is confusion there are typically indicators of chaos close at hand. Chaos can rear its head in the most common phrase we refer to as “drama”. Conflict, striking, excessive emotion or interaction can be symptoms of confusion and therefore chaos.

Fern started out by explaining to me that there are three circles in all of our lives. The first circle is our own circle labeled: Mine. In this circle are things that only we can control. These include: how we spend our time, our decisions, how we spend our money, our attitudes, our responses and emotions, etc. This circle is our area of jurisdiction and we want to operate from this circle in everything that we do. No one else can be responsible for the things in our circle and we shouldn’t let be them or we are entering chaos. We also shouldn’t attempt to step out of this circle and take responsibility for things outside of our jurisdiction either.

The second circle in our lives is the circle labeled: God’s Circle. God’s circle contains things that only God can control. These include: weather, traffic, provisional needs (i.e. clothing, food, shelter, money), laws of nature (i.e. gravity, tides, daylight), etc. The things that are in God’s jurisdiction are only things that He can change or rule over. It is a waste of time to enter chaos or a “911 state” about something that we cannot control.

“Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes his lightning flash?” Job 37:15

And lastly there is a circle labeled: Others. These are things that only other people can control. These include: their responses, their feelings, their words, reactions, choices, decisions, lifestyles, etc. Only other people can control their own lives and situations and so their circle will contain all of these things.

So what is chaos? Chaos, according to Fern, is when you step out of your circle (MINE) and try to enter into God’s circle or the Others’ circle. When you step outside of your jurisdiction and attempting to either control a situation or react because of a situation that is not in your circle you are in chaos.

If I have planned a picnic for Saturday and when I wake up that day the weather is rainy and windy there is nothing I can do about it. If I start crying and becoming angry and upset then I have left my circle and am dabbling in God’s circle. Only God can control the weather in this example and the proper response would be disappointment and acceptance. No amount of reacting on my part will change the weather or allow for my picnic to proceed as planned. Only God can change the weather. The same would go for being stuck in traffic. As inconvenient as it may be we cannot control it and therefore shouldn’t allow it to disrupt us internally to a point of chaos. After all, no amount of screaming or honking will move the traffic any faster.

An example regarding the “Others” circle is if I am asked to do a favor for someone. The favor would require me to rearrange my whole day so I must utilize my freedom to decline. If I do this and the other person becomes angry and begins arguing with me I have a choice. I can respond and engage in this argument or not. The healthy response is internal acknowledgement that I am not responsible for their anger, their feelings or their situation – and I cannot control them. Choosing to engage in an angry argument which allows me to dabble in the “Other’s” circle to soothe things over for their feelings is entering chaos. Even allowing myself to become upset in such a situation is dabbling in chaos. It is giving power to someone else over my circle (my feelings).

This is a very simple tool that can be used in our relationships. When we understand our circle of jurisdiction and respond to things that happen around us from a place of peace (our own circle) we will quickly see chaos subside. For example, suddenly instead of my whole day being ruined because of a little rain at my picnic we simply move the party to the garage or a friend’s house and keep going. Or instead of engaging in a heated argument of defense about my choice to not rescue someone else I can simply walk away and let the other person deal with their own emotions however they choose while not being or feeling responsible.

I have noticed this illustration in reversal as well. There have been times when someone has stepped outside of their own circle to control my feelings or manipulate decisions that were rightfully mine to make. Having this tool in mind and being able to recognize the situation allowed me to take back my own mind, will, and emotions to operate from a place of peace. Keeping my own boundaries and freedom of choice will always push chaos away.

“Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control” Proverbs 25:28

There are so many scenarios that can be conjured up to explain this tool. Chaos is around us frequently and gravitates towards the web of codependency. Codependent people live in a state of chaos and we must use wisdom to separate from this lifestyle. Clear boundaries are very enlightening because they allow us to get to know what is inside of us. We get to learn about our own personalities and learn what makes us tick. As we get to know our own selves through intimacy (in to ME see) our responses to chaos and things that involve the God and Other circles will become second nature.

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” Psalm 139:1-2

Drama free? Chaos free? Codependency free? Remember, it is a journey of intimacy (in to ME see).

“He grants peace to your borders and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.” Psalm 147:14

Three other reads about codependency and relationships:

https://crutchprints.com/2013/10/12/do-relationships-require-rescuing/

https://crutchprints.com/2013/11/14/operating-from-a-healthy-standpoint-providing-feedback/

https://crutchprints.com/2013/11/19/warriors-are-made/

Courage to Break it Down

Courage to Break it Down – Ashly P. Ash

It seems in our society more and more that we tend to excuse our fears and tiptoe around them rather than facing them. We rationalize that doing certain things are “just not for me” or “I just don’t have that personality”. Sometimes we even just nod in understanding as we explain to our friends “I guess that is just my weakness”. Lately I have been reflecting on this trend that has become the norm. I have been wondering if many of us are not moving to the next level of growth because of our excuses.

I talk to a lot of people and I hear so many dreams from the hearts of God’s people. Many of these dreams we believe God will simply hand to us. We believe that one day, all of a sudden; we will wake up and be living the life that we have dreamed of. But when we look at scripture and look at history we have to be honest with ourselves in realizing this is not how God operates. Of course there are times when He performs miracles and I definitely want to make room for miracles! A lot of the time though there are very small steps in our daily walk that we need to begin to make so that God will begin working on our character to prepare us for the greatness we claim is our destiny. It isn’t that God can’t hand us our dreams supernaturally but a lot of the time He wants to build character and relationship within us along the way! Dreams are real and they can be realized through responsibility! Taking responsibility for our weaknesses and being willing to start somewhere is half the battle.

According to the dictionary courage is: to act in accordance with ones beliefs especially in spite of criticism. Courage is stepping out and facing something when we do not have a guarantee of the outcome. As I always say, every journey begins on the inside and courage is no exception. Courage must begin as a heart attitude. We must recognize our dream, recognize where we want to be. What is the “light at the end of the tunnel” for us right now? What river do we need to start crossing to end up on the other side of?

Prayer is one of the best ways to prepare us for an attitude of courage. Taking our fears to the Cross and confessing them aloud can sometimes be the starting point of breaking their power over us. Through confession we can begin to look for opportunities and ways to begin towards our goals. For me it seems when I pray the Holy Spirit speaks to me and gives me nudges internally that push me in the direction that I need to go. Acting in faith takes courage, and faith is stepping out when we don’t see change.

“You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone” James 2:24

“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” John 14:26

Faith is stepping out even when we don’t see change. This is not a definition but a guideline from my own experience. Once I realize where it is that I want to be or need to be, pray about it and figure out what I am called to do, I need faith to act. It can be very scary to operate in faith and to step out believing that God is not only on the other side of our problem but also right there with us.

“For we live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13

In changing our heart attitude we will slowly begin to view the process as a joy instead of a burden. I have heard it preached before that we may as well enjoy the journey because about 90% of our life is spent on the journey and not the destination. We know this is true in our hearts! As soon as we arrive at any destination we are already thinking of the next thing. God created us to “fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen 1:28) so by nature we are dreamers and achievers through Christ!

There are many examples in my life of conquering fear and moving forward in faith. I want to share a few of them here and hopefully inspire you in your journey as well.

One way that I can really relate to courage is from my experience in skiing. A lot of times a ski slope consists of multiple little hills. It is either broken up this way on purpose or it is the best way for them to clear the land. Either way you usually can take one slope (especially in a place like Colorado where the slopes can be over a mile long) and break it into sections as you ski. To me it seems when you are skiing and about to go down a very steep hill (or cliff as my mom calls them) the first section is always so easy. You head down and are thinking “man this isn’t so bad at all”. Then as you continue all of a sudden reach this drop off. You look down and you cannot see the bottom because it is so steep that if you get close enough to lean over you will fall. It is always at this point that you look back up the hill wondering if you can somehow get back up there. Of course the way most resorts are set up though you realize even if you get back up to the top there is no way for you to get back to the lodge without skiing down!

Early on our instructors taught us that when you come to a point like this where you are sure that by continuing you will die, you should mentally break each section into about four more sections. Find a landmark (a tree, a rock, a break in the snow) and decide you will get to that point and then stop. When you get to the break that you have mentally marked you can set your next point. Soon enough, bit by bit, you are at the bottom of the slope intact and in fact alive.

But you see, it is a matter of attitude and courage. First you convince yourself that even if you are overwhelmed by the entire slope in front of you, you CAN make it to that one little point about 50 yards out. After you have your internal attitude in order you must step out in courage and begin to head towards that target. You move in faith stepping out even though the slope hasn’t changed, the conditions haven’t changed; nothing has changed except your attitude. I am not going to lie to you, starting to ski down when you are that scared can be the most terrifying thing you have ever done! Your heart starts pounding within you, your hands and neck become a little sticky and hot and you wonder why you wore so many layers for the cold because at that moment you feel anything but cold! Then after starting out right after you make your first turn with the ski’s you realize you are ok and you will be fine and it gets so much easier from there.

I have seen many people sit there for hours instead of making that first move towards the bottom. I’ve seen others completely take off their skis and walk back to the top to call for help. Others have flown forward carelessly and without caution causing bad accidents which have placed them in the hospital. But those that have approached the slopes appropriately with caution, attitude contemplation, and courage always end up at the bottom with a feeling of victory within them that matches no other!

What ski slope are you on right now? What is it that you need to get to the bottom of? Do you feel overwhelmed by this and unsure of where to start? This is an opportune time to break your goal into sections and find a breaking point in which you too can ski down to and shoot for. You do not want to carelessly fly off the cliff and end up in the “hospital” with more emotional wounding that can set you back years. You do not want to trek back to the top of the mountain to find out that you have to ski back down anyway and have simply wasted your time! Take a moment right now even and ask the Lord what ski slope you need to set out on, and ask Him what very specific breaking points you can set as a goal.

Another example came the other week when I was driving to see a friend a few hours away. On the way I had to pass through a tunnel. As I started into the tunnel I had no idea what was on the other side. In fact, there was a huge mountain standing before me and it appeared as if it was impossible to pass without going over. When I began driving into the tunnel I could feel myself getting a little excited. Subconsciously I was thinking, “What is on the other side?”, “Oh this isn’t something I see every day, this is a new path, this is exciting!”

As I kept driving and noticing my surroundings I was curious about this tunnel. How it was made, what it was made of, and what was its purpose? I wasn’t very far in before I did not see an end to this path and got a little anxious. “What if it doesn’t lead to where I want to be? My GPS stopped working due to being inside of the mountain so am I in the right place? Why do I not see the other side of the tunnel yet? Where is the light?” These were thoughts that started crossing my mind as I drove on in the darkness.

Finally I could see a small flicker of light indicating the end of the tunnel. Seeing the end to my goal and knowing where I was headed I immediately calmed and felt peace inside. Within a few hundred feet my GPS continued working and it was confirmed that I was indeed on the right path.

Do you see how this is like courage and faith? When we get out on a new path and step out in courage on the path we feel God has destined for us at first we are excited! We received the promise from God, we know where we are headed, and we are warriors! As we continue on we get a little curious about this path. Mmmm…did we hear God right? Are we on the right path? Why does God seem to be taking us the long way around here, what is His purpose?

Then as we continue anxiety often sets in. We were so sure we followed God (our GPS) on this path; we were so sure we were guaranteed to get out on the other side of the mountain where we were promised to go! But why are we not there yet? Maybe this isn’t right after all? Maybe we missed God?

And finally, when we start to see things coming together the way God put them together we feel the joy and the peace of testimony. Knowing that once again our God was bigger than our feeble minds could ever fathom!

To believe without seeing is something that we can only do on this earth. To step out and act in faith and courage when there is no guarantee of the outcome is storing treasure in heaven.

“But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” Matthew 6:20

There is no time other than this lifetime on earth that we get to show God how much we love and depend on His grace to meet us not just at the end of every tunnel but the whole way through the tunnel!

Is Walking a Right?

~I wrote this poem today. I had driven two hours to see my prosthetic provider and was a little early. As I sat in the car dreading the moment of walking in and going through the emotional trauma yet again this came pouring out of me onto the paper I managed to gather from around me. It is a poem of pure emotion and really a prayer as well!

Is Walking a Right?

Again I make this lonely trip

The skies turn gray, the clouds they drip

The weather reflects the feelings inside me

As I secretly long to be set free

The worry and stress for this provision

Things my friends can’t even envision

The defiling touch in places of mine

I wish to scream “you’re out of line!”

Yet the only way for me to walk

Is to keep my head down and never balk

The pain, the bills, insurance fights

It seems forever I’m resigned to fright

I fight in my nightmares so hard to win

On the scale with rewards this comes up thin

Jesus you promised to end our struggles

So why do I stand like a clown who can’t juggle

Your word I will trust in, by choice I will choose

To be dragged by desperation I simply refuse

You give and you take; in YOUR good time

All I can do is trust you’ll give mine

In front of the office I wait patiently

Telling You how I feel so lonely

Not due to the fact of no company

But the burden that’s mine no one can see

All this to feel two feet underneath

While half the time in pain I seethe

The pain is not easy and doesn’t cease

But still I continue to fill my one need

To walk with the Lord and thank Him for much

Though I really wish it was without fuss

The burden I give Jesus; but I don’t wish it on Him

I hand it over sadly; He paid the price for this sin

Consequences of the fallen here shown in me

I’m waiting because he came to set free

Another appointment…the time is now

Yes I’ll get through it, some way, somehow

A Box of Left Shoes?

Last year we had a fire in the apartment next to us. The fire didn’t come through the wall but we did lose a lot of things to smoke damage. When the fire restoration girls came through they were going to pack up all of our belongings and take them for treatment. After they were finished we could sort through anything not salvageable.

On a daily basis I checked in with the girls to see how they were handling our personal belongings and if there were any questions in regards to how things should be packed or handled. It was quite stressful having strangers in your house going through things! We were also in process of buying our first home so my patience was thin and my moods drastic during this time.

On the second day I showed up without my prosthesis and only on crutches. The girl looked at me and brought me in to my closet explaining there was a problem. She explained she wasn’t sure why but there were about 17 shoes that she could not seem to find a match for. She looked at me completely baffled and apologetic. I nodded and she started to apologize stating she had no idea where the others would have gone but they haven’t yet come across the matches and what would I like her to do?!

Nodding in confusion myself I looked down at my one foot and said, “Well, were they all left shoes?” She said, “Oh let me check” while rummaging through the box and exclaiming “YES!” I looked down again at my one foot and looked back up and thought…Girl…Here is your sign!!!

He Gives and Takes Away

Harvest from one of our gardens

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21

This is a concept that has been very dear to my heart for many years. There is a song that expresses this most fully and whenever I hear this song I end up so overwhelmed that I nearly choke up in tears.

“You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name” (Lyrics by Matt Redman “Blessed Be Your Name”)

While I know and realize that the Lord didn’t wish for me to lose my leg to cancer, or struggle in daily life since then, it is difficult to come to terms with the idea that the Lord allowed this to happen in my life. While I do not charge God with wrongdoing (Job 1:22) I do seek His face and His purpose that no matter what has happened in my life I can bring praise to His name.

Before I lost my leg at the age of four one of my favorite things to do was run. I can remember running as fast as I could for no other reason than I enjoyed it. I remember the feeling of grass under my two feet and how one leg would follow the next up a flight of stairs so naturally.

Climbing a tree before my cancer diagnosis

Really, I was so blessed to have experienced those feelings because for the rest of my life I will ponder them in my heart as little gems. There was such peace associated with being whole and being free to move with no tension or stress on the other parts of my body. But the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

“The earth is the Lord’s, the fullness of it, the world and all who dwell in it.” Psalm 24:1

So often I think we forget that everything is the Lord’s. We are only stewards of everything that is here, including ourselves. Everything that we have is meant to bless us and bless others and is given by a loving Father in heaven. But do we view our belongings and even our bodies as such?

Do we remember that even the hair on our head is a blessing? That was something that I remember being very difficult to lose. As a child I had blonde hair and everyone would rave about my dirty blonde curls and how beautiful I was because of my hair. When I started chemotherapy it started to slowly fall out. As the chemotherapy treatments continued bigger clumps would fall out and I would wake up in the morning to find balls of hair on my pillow to the point I would be petrified that I was dying. Within a few weeks I was completely bald and no one commented anymore at how pretty I was. No one complimented the way I looked anymore and as a little child I really missed that. I knew my hair didn’t define me but at four years old it seemed pretty important as it was something that made me noticeable to others in a positive way rather than the negative stares I started receiving as a bald child. But the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the he name if The Lord.

I remember the children that were around me in the hospital alone. Their families had checked out mentally and physically. Most parents didn’t have the mental capacity to handle the suffering and death that accompanied cancer. They would drop their small children and teenagers off at the hospital door and leave them alone for weeks and sometimes months at a time. The children and teenagers would cry out for their families and you would hear them at night. There were plenty of toys, plenty of gifts, plenty of THINGS surrounding us at the hospital but in the moments of pain and even facing death these kids cried out for family. They needed love and fellowship to push them through what they were facing and to give them strength to fight on. Do we realize that our families, however imperfect they may be, are a gift from God? The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the the name of The Lord.

Several years ago I taught a bible study at a local church and I used to pick up a lady that was very poor and not well off mentally, physically, or financially. She would come each week that I picked her up for my study and she would participate and smile for the class duration. She had a big toothless smile and would always say “I am so blessed”. One day during church I happened to glance over and watch her put her change purse into the offering. She was aglow as she did this and it made me realize the beauty in the sacrifice she was making for Jesus. She knew and understood that every last thing in her possession was the Lord’s.

^“And He sat down opposite the treasury and saw how the crowd was casting money into the treasury. Many rich people were throwing in large sums. And a widow who was poverty-stricken came and put in two copper mites [the smallest of coins], which together make half of a cent. And He called His disciples and said to them, Truly and surely I tell you, this widow, [she who is] poverty-stricken, has put in more than all those contributing to the treasury. For they all threw in out of their abundance; but she, out of her deep poverty, has put in everything that she had—[even] all she had on which to live.” Mark 12:41-44

The beauty of this struck deep and humbled me because just as the song says “when there is pain in the offering, blessed be the name of The Lord.

At night when we lay our heads down to sleep do we grasp the gift that we receive in having a safe place to sleep? Two years ago we went to sleep in our apartment that we lived in after being married. Several hours later the dog woke me and I realized our apartment was full of smoke and there was a fire. The smoke damage was so extreme that we were later told within another ten to fifteen more minutes of being asleep we would have died from suffocation without even waking up. The Lord used the dog to wake us and alert us to the danger. I believe He gave us this gift so that we could bear testimony of Him.

Our apartment was on the other side of this wall. God is Good! — Our apartment and bedroom was on the other side of this wall. God is Good!

While we lost some things and a comfortable place to sleep for awhile we were safe and the Lord used this as a transition period in our life; The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Traveling back from Dominican Republic on vacation I had been complaining about my prosthetic leg. It had been uncomfortable and rubbing, causing much irritation. Our flight home was delayed by 10 hours which meant I had to wear prosthetic leg for nearly 24 hours since we were forced to check out of the hotel and I couldn’t carry it along with my luggage. I was so uncomfortable and doing my fair share of whining. Then, as we pulled out of the hotel on the bus for the airport I looked down and there was a young girl on the street with no legs. She was on her nubs in the street rummaging through the trash for food. She had no prosthetic device, no food, and still she held her smile as she was fighting to survive in the only way she had the ability to. I was so humbled and ashamed in this moment to realize the extent I had been blessed! To even have the opportunity to own a prosthetic leg and be mobile without hunger was a blessing from God beyond measure. I believe with all my heart if I had stopped to talk to that girl with a smile on her face she would have told me, “the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be His name!”

These are all examples of simple things that we tend to take for granted in our lives. We all have so much to be thankful for. When bad things happen to good people we need to change our attitudes and seek a heavenly mindset. Bearing foremost that every thing we see is temporary and that our real treasures are being stored in heaven.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18

“But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” Matthew 6:20

After this life we will know no more pain or suffering. This is the only time that we have (our time on earth) to show God that we love Him and believe that He also mourns with us because of the bad that has befallen us. Our forefathers have allowed evil to enter the earth through sin. When Jesus walked the earth He wept over many things. Our God emphasizes with us in every struggle! In our pain when we turn and say to Him, “Blessed be YOUR name, LORD” we are saying:

“Lord, YOU are holy, good, caring, and full of blessing! You understand what we are going through and grieve with us, yet you respect the authority you gave to us when you created the earth and the fact that through Adam and Eve we allowed sin into the world which results in pain and suffering to this day. We don’t understand all of these things and why they are happening to us, but since mankind allowed sin into the world these consequences will be present. Until Jesus returns and there is a new heaven and a new earth there will be pain and suffering here. We praise You because only You have the power to redeem these things and make them right. We praise You because of who You are and because there will be no other time for us to recognize Your holiness like we can right now in our pain and suffering. Blessed be the name of the Lord”

What do you have? What has been taken away? Today, how will you bless the name of the Lord?

Memory Lane

Memory Lane – Ashly P. Ash

Today I strolled on down the lane

Was filled with pain to my disdain

Physically I was so distraught

As each and every step I fought

But there with me was a precious child

One so sweet, meek and mild

I knew that I must carry on

But in this chess game I was the pawn

We played a game then as we walked

Memory lane is what it was called

Every tree that we passed by

And every vibrant leaf as it died

We hung a memory from our past

Part of the mold which we were cast

The colors of fall surrounded us

And carry on I knew I must

Starting young and thinking back

Memories came as I got the nack

My grandmothers’ affection I placed high

While remembering them with a sad sigh

Picking flowers as a small girl

Watching mom make my hair curl

Each forming moment we hung in the air

Settling on the breeze with care

And as we walked and with laughter smiled

I realized this may be a memory for this child

Warriors are Made

This Poem is in conjunction with my recent writing: “Operating from a Healthy Standpoint – Giving Feedback”. (https://crutchprints.com/2013/11/14/operating-from-a-healthy-standpoint-providing-feedback/)

Warriors are Made

It is so hard to hear you speaking like this

I really can’t see how you can miss

The point and the pity is all that you gain

Emptiness really one in the same

Are you ready for change and ready for light

Or must we again go through your plight

I know it is tough, no one better than me!

But I’m at my capacity to make you see

Jesus can change but you must rise up

You must decide enough is enough!

Rise up to the challenge; take responsibility

Your Father will guide you infinitely

But really this triangle here is a bust

I’m stepping out of it, really I must

Don’t you realize you aren’t the center

Help and suggestions you merely banter

One must resign from all excuses

From all the distractions and hopeless muses

Stand up and fight and choose to live life

Realize your words can be a great knife

You are responsible for the way you turn out

God gave you that choice so don’t simply pout

Warriors are made they are not born

They don’t sit around feeling forlorn

They rise up in courage and in faith they know

Wherever they stand the true Lord will show

There is no time for drama, no time for shame

Don’t even try this time to shift blame

Just rise up, stand tall; He won’t let you fall

Ready for battle, listen for the call

Defeat is not a word in our vocabulary

Victory comes as you set your mind free

All chords of oppression; all strings of doubt

In Jesus name be broken; Love’s what it’s about

Freedom isn’t free but is taken by love

Creativity come forth! Fly as a dove

Lord use all our pain and help us to know

With the river of life we are choosing to flow

Operating from a Healthy Standpoint – Providing Feedback

We all have encountered a person or situation where we find ourselves being “dumped” with scenarios that we can see so clearly as an outsider. In these situations it is so tempting to tell that person just what “we think” and give advice. Even though in our mind we rationalize that if someone is sharing their problem or stories with us they must want our input; the reality is that is not always the case. We really must begin to sort out truth in these situations. While our intentions may be to help the people around us, a lot of times they do not want our help.

So let’s look at a healthy process for determining if we are at a place to encourage, whether the person wants encouragement, and whether to share in response.

To start off we should all agree on a few points. Everyone is responsible for their own life. If things are going poorly in someone’s life there is almost always a change that they can make to improve things. While every situation first and foremost requires the positive change of prayer and waiting on God; about 98% of the time there is also some sort of action or solution that can be implemented with God’s direction. It may be the smallest of changes that we don’t even think would matter like our attitude, or it may be a larger lifestyle change that needs to be conquered in bits.

I have an example of this from my own life and relational experiences. A lot of people tend to share their health problems with me and give me so many reasons why they are in poor health. No matter what solutions or suggestions I try to provide I am rejected as if I am attacking. Many times people are defensive because they are looking for reasons to justify their behavior rather than take responsibility for it. Now let’s be honest, if someone with one leg, diabetes, high blood pressure, and thyroid problems can find ways to be active and exercise and control her health than almost anyone can! I’m not saying there aren’t situations where things really can be out of a person’s control to fix. I’m also not talking about situations where it is important to vent as a processing tool. I am talking about the situations in our lives where we encounter people in our daily walk that have the power to make changes and simply refuse to take responsibility even in the smallest way.

So here I am, not wishing to hear another tirade which will only result in me being told “you just don’t understand!” I feel angry inside that the person sharing with me doesn’t seem to consider any solutions but simply wants to wallow in pity. I may feel so overwhelmed and tired from my own day and life complications that I really cannot take on any more at this point.

And we all have this happen to us from time to time. It may not be about someone’s health but it may be about an abusive situation with a boyfriend or spouse. It may be about someone’s family or friends. It may be about a financial situation or a work situation. One way or another we are presented with a scenario of codependency where we are being asked to jump in as a rescuer to sympathize with a person who sees themselves as a victim.

“Where am I in this? Am I at a place I can handle this?”

The first tool to be offered in any such situation is to get in touch with you. Ask yourself, “Where am I in this? Am I at a place where I want to and feel like I can listen without having my ‘boat rocked’”? This is something that was taught to me by Fern at Discovering MErcy. Before we can relate to or encourage others we have to be in a place where we have a full account ourselves. We must receive (from God, our families, friends, etc.) in order to give.

If the answer above is “No, this story is too ‘close to home’ or ‘rocks my internal boat’ to hear” it is appropriate to share that with the person that is complaining. It is acceptable to say something in response to the effect of, “Wow, I’m really sorry you are having a hard time right now but with all the things I am dealing with I don’t really have the capacity to take on more negativity. I really hope you come up with a solution.” Maybe you can even offer to pray with them or for them as well. This does not make us selfish people for not being able to deal with someone from a pure heart. It makes us honest. It simply takes us out of the codependent triangle.

When Jesus washed the disciples’ feet in John 13 he did not do this from an empty place. Verse 1 states:” Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.” Jesus knew his purpose and he was willing to stick to it. He had already worked through his own emotions and accepted his purpose by receiving this information from His Father in Heaven. He then got up and filled the pitcher to wash the feet of his disciples. Friends, if we are going to pour out of ourselves any sort of cleansing and blessing onto others we first must be filled! It is ok to be in a place where you are not filled and not capable to handle the dirt from others. It is ok to know that your purpose and calling is not to rescue that person! That is what Jesus is for! Jesus is enough to cleanse you and cleanse whoever is approaching you. Only move in the circles you are called.

If we cannot build relationship with the people around us and encourage them from a pure heart then we shouldn’t be in the conversation. It is that simple. There are countless conversations that I have stayed in when I have not wanted to and then walked away angry at myself, empty and dejected, and feeling like “if they have problems they should see mine!” This isn’t healthy for me or for the person I was speaking with, it is bad for relationships! So don’t let it get to this point! In all honesty, the person you are speaking with probably will be angry but the reality is you do not have responsibility for their feelings. Their anger is directed at their needs not being met, not at you. Be polite, offer to pray, and let them go to God with what they perceived as rejection.

“Does this person have the capacity to handle my advice?”

If you do feel you are at a place where you can handle being an encouragement to the person you are speaking with and not have it be taxing on you emotionally the next step would be to ask yourself, “If I share with this person, does he/she have the capacity to handle what I am to share back?” A lot of times people share things with us to reassure themselves or to rationalize their own choices. As part of the codependent triangle even more people share with us to receive pity for their victim stance or as a way to justify poor lifestyle choices. If their intent in sharing is not from a place where they genuinely want change then it simply isn’t worth the drama of trying to help. It is in this place that we decide that the timing may not be right and we will choose to love them right where they are right now without trying to fix things for them. This brings us back to being polite and ending the conversation, offering to pray, and let them go to God for their needs.

“Do they even want me to share?”

Some people share because they generally do want to find a solution and need a sounding board. Before sharing it is always appropriate to ask the person you are communicating with, “Do you want me to simply listen or are you welcoming feedback?” This puts them in a position to allow you to share with them in a nonjudgmental way about their situation. Talking about our problems, I believe, is a way to help us to process them and effectively move forward. It is important to listen and be listened to! They may or may not receive what you have to say but that is between them and God. It is important to listen to others when we are at a place where we can do that.

Summary

Being able to separate the people that we can’t encourage, the people that don’t want our encouragement, and the people that do want encouragement is a very real way to deal with life and keep the drama away!

When I was first taught this process and started to work through it I remember balking at the idea of sifting through every situation that arises! In my mind I felt that all Christians were supposed to set a standard and teach those around us the right way. We are always called to encourage, are we not?

But to simply smile and encourage on the outside when inside we are angry, at our capacity, exhausted, or even having our encouragement being misconstrued is really only dissociating from real life! We have to be in tune with ourselves, true to ourselves, and operate from a place of peace inside ourselves first and foremost!

This process and tool is one that will help you in countless relationships! If you are going to be around someone and you know what to expect it helps to spend a few minutes beforehand in prayer to align yourself with God’s will and His intentions. As you understand the process you will also begin to appreciate and develop it as second nature. I believe we are taught wrongly to “set ourselves aside” and help others no matter the cost.

I do believe that loving others requires sacrifice but we MUST determine what is God’s sacrifice verses ours? Encouraging and enabling are two different things! Let us seek healthy ways to love the people around us and impart to them LIFE and not obligation or dead works.

Skeleton Leg in the Closet

Back when I first starting dating my husband I was a single girl with my own apartment. I had just started using a prosthesis again and it was one that I had to plug the electronic knee in to charge it up each night before using. It was still the metal and no cover so it looked like a metal skeleton of a leg. When the battery was full the leg would beep and since I kept it in the closet it was out of sight and out of mind. I guess over time I got used to the beeping and didn’t pay any mind to it at all.

So when I started dating my husband one afternoon he came over to visit. (At this point we had only been dating for about a week and I was very shy in regards to my disability and any sort of disability paraphernalia if I may call it that!) After awhile he mentioned hearing a beeping noise but I shrugged him off as I was engrossed in making some sort of meal for us to enjoy.

He mentioned it again later and said, “Do you mind if I figure out what that is?” Being wrapped up in the kitchen I told him to feel free to search and let me know what he found. Immediately he started for the bedroom and suddenly I heard my closet door open! My heart stopped and I must have turned three shades whiter than usual as I realized what he had just stumbled upon and how he must feel standing there staring at a leg in the closet!

I froze for what seemed eternity and then I heard laughing from the bedroom and he came out like, “hey…it is your leg!!” It was a completely embarrassing moment but one that was so priceless that we still joke about me keeping my skeleton in the closet to this day!

Setting off a flare

This is a poem written in my time of intercession for someone dear to me.

Setting off a flare – Ashly P Ash

If only I could impart my wisdom to you

The things I’ve had to learn while blue

All of the struggles I’ve had to endure

Your safety and happiness to ensure

To tell you I love you and “do as I say”

Without you knowing me back in the day

I pray and cry out and seek His plan

The small spark within you I try to fan

Your heart is so sweet and you once were so pure

But this path I see now is harsh I assure

So when will you hear and not feel attacked?

When will you turn and not show your back?

A “Wild World” by Stevens sure sums it up

And girl let me tell you, you need more than luck

Tools for your toolbox, why have you none?

Don’t you know you can’t paint with your tongue?

Reality is revealed in every dawn

Slowly the sun rays shine on the lawn

And when dark is lifted I pray you will see

Who really has guided you in your need

I remember the circles that I traveled in

My head hangs low as I think on my sin

To allow my emotion touch the place you’re at

And how at my stories not an eyelash would bat

But here in this place of shame at the cross

I choose to lie down on this warm bed of moss

The woods and the shadows and bark of the trees

Shows me our of God of Creation calls me

Out of my shame and out of my pit

For my journey is one that only He knit

So resting in that knowledge applying to you

Believing that one day you’ll see anew

Perhaps we can walk on the path together

And reach out for others to join us forever

I want to tell you of the things to come

That right now you may think it is all in fun

But the smoke and the destruction really is none

Reality is revealed in every dawn

Slowly the sun rays shine on the lawn

And when dark is lifted I pray you will see

Who really has guided you in your need

You will wake and not know what you’ve done

So used to darkness and blinded by sun

The pain and the wounds are so very deep

And in shame you will struggle to not keep

Holding onto the counterfeit tools you have gained

Even the way of your false sense of fame

To come out is a path straight up a cliff

At every small break you will cry out so stiff

But taking this new way of sharing right now

I’ll be there that day to show you just how

To find your footing among the rubble of life

And guide you as you rid of the strife

I promise the top of the mountain you’ll reach

And once at the top you can lay on the beach

Looking down realizing that Jesus was there

Lifted you up while you casted your cares

The relaxing tide will come in and go

But you will not drown this time you’ll know

“No wasted pain” is my new prayer

But still I’m here setting off a flare

Reality is revealed in every dawn

Slowly the sun rays shine on the lawn

And when dark is lifted I pray you will see

Who really has guided you in your need