Crutchprints in the Sand

You know you are an amputee when…Part III

…You wanted to participate in Karate as a kid but were sent to the Partial Arts center instead

…You randomly scratch your head and say “I think I’m missing something”

…Your friends tell you to “hop in the car” you quite literally hop in

…Anytime you go for a pedicure it is HALF OFF and you are willing to argue it!

…The “Bit by a shark” story guarantees you privacy at the beach and you take advantage of it

…People are always “pulling your leg”

…You are approached on a regular basis by Civil War re-enactors looking for recruits in the medical tent

…By donning an eyepatch you are a legit pirate to kids any day

…Counting your fingers and toes becomes a brain tease

…You have woken after a dream of having two legs, went to use the bathroom, then fell flat on your face

Waiting to Live?

Lately I have felt led to volunteer at a local Retirement Home. I have been playing piano for the retirees and then visiting with them after. Nearly every resident that I speak to seems to feel the harsh reality that end of life care can bring. The reality that there really seems to be no purpose in one’s existence coupled with the question of validity from life’s perspective. Two phrases I hear over and over are: “I’m just waiting here to die” And “My whole life, I lived my whole life, for what?”

This is something to ponder in this day and age of entitlement. So many that we encounter on a daily and weekly basis feel as if they are entitled to a certain standard of life. I often hear the words spoken to me, “It sure must be nice to have (or go, or see, or do)…” For years I would defend myself and explain how we have prioritized our money to have the thing that someone else feels it “must be nice” to have. I have explained what great savings we got on a vacation deals because of our patience and persistence in planning along with my canning our own garden food to save X dollars. I have even defended parking in handicap spaces by explaining how difficult it really can be for me sometimes without my leg. But lately, I have stopped defending myself. “Yes, it is nice to be me.” So why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself and be you?

Every single day we make choices that will benefit us down the road. It seems anymore that as a country we are so focused on the “here” and the “now” that we forget to look out towards the horizon. The great “deal” on that plasma TV is not a deal if you consider your credit card debt. Practicing abstinence from smoking and drinking will save you enough money for a 4-5 day vacation including airfare. Eating healthy will provide you the ability to exercise and touch your toes too. But these are choices that we do not choose. So often we choose to live in the now and sacrifice our own futures.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

There really isn’t one person that I have ever seen or talked to when referring to the scripture above about our bodies being temples of Christ and His Holy Spirit that hasn’t harbored guilt. We knowingly abuse our bodies, our homes, our bank accounts, our futures instead of setting ourselves up to make small changes one day at a time. We may be saved and going to heaven but we have an entire life here to live! God gave us very real lives and very real dreams to work towards. Even Adam and Eve were given a joyous task in the Garden before sin ever entered their minds! We are created to work towards our dreams and partner with God so that we may finish the race cheering and full of joy!

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.” 1 Timothy 4:7-8

Since playing at the Retirement Home I also started taking piano lessons to freshen up and boost my ability for the enjoyment of others. Whenever I am looking at a new piece of music to play my sweet teacher, Christine, always recommends that before anything else I break the right hand apart from the left hand to learn the notes and the rhythm. Even after I have the piece together with both hands there are always certain parts that hang me up. She encourages me again to break it down even further in those places into beats, notes, chords. I believe that our life is like that. When we come across things that need to be conquered but seem overwhelming, why don’t we break it down into small notes? We should play one measure at a time and then one day when we put it all together it will create a sound that is not just pleasing to God, but resonates satisfaction within us.

We must start to look farther into the future than a day, week, or even a year. We must start to plan and to live our lives in a way that one day we can be proud of who we are (or were).

The choices that we make can set us up for faith or for failure. It seems we tend to find too many gray areas in our lives. We make excuses and think about things in terms of the amount of immediate gratification we receive. But it isn’t as complicated as we make it out to be. Every single thing that we do in our life will either bring Fruit or Famish; Wisdom or Foolishness; Life or Death. Graham Cooke explains in several of his lectures that there is no such thing as standing still in this life. We are always moving. We are either moving towards God or away from Him.

As I prepare to volunteer this week my heart is extended to the many that I will speak with who feel for whatever reason that their lives were spent in vain. Whatever their past contains and whatever choices they made during their life they now feel that it did not produce fruit. I wonder how I can encourage them at this place in their life. I feel even though they are at the end of their lives with no where to go and nothing to do, many of them can still make an extraordinary difference through prayer. They can make a difference by passing on nuggets of treasure (wisdom) to those of us that are young volunteers and have so much to learn as life continues for us.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10

Today, I challenge you to look at your life. Look at your choices over the past few weeks. Look at where you would like to be and the things you would like to do. Ask yourself if the choices that you are making are going to bring life into the desires of your heart.

Will your dreams be reached by the way you spend your money, your time, your energy? Or will you too, one day, be bitter to the end and look back over your life with tears in your eyes and say, “I’m just waiting to die.”

Living in Longing – The freedom of living in the present

I would like to talk for a bit today about longing. There are so many things that we can long for and it creates this absolutely guttural feeling within us and an aching that resonates through our entire being. There are things that we each long for and have a persistent desire and craving for that goes beyond the simple gratification of a moment. When I think of longing I tend to think of three different categories in my own life. The things that come to mind are my longing for a healthy body with two legs, my longing for a child, and my (since fulfilled) persistent desire for a husband.

“O God, You are my God, earnestly will I seek You; my inner self thirsts for You, my flesh longs and is faint for You, in a dry and weary land where no water is.” Psalm 63:1-3

In regards to my health and body I believe because I am missing one leg I will never stop longing for two. It is only natural for me to dream and pray for the day that I may no longer stand on one foot a kilt off balance. It is a persistent desire and a craving within me to join others when I see them dancing, or to leap for joy when I am very excited! Twenty-five years after losing my leg there are times when I have a dream at night about dancing or running and I awake and savor the feeling of freedom from the dream all morning long. In my heart I ponder those things and replay them in my head over and over imagining that I am about to take a step and what it would feel like. Sometimes I have a flashback of walking as a child and I close my eyes and remember the way one foot follows through after the other and the feeling of the ground beneath two feet. I relish the memories of the textures beneath like dirt, concrete, stones, sand, etc and the way the skin of my feet would respond to the different textures. While walking again on two real feet is something that I will more than likely not experience in this lifetime I still will long and dream for what I believe is natural. I dare to allow myself to crave this and long for these things until the day they come to pass.

Another longing that I have in my heart is for a child. My husband and I have been married for three years and haven’t been blessed with a child as of this writing. I do believe the day is coming but in the meantime there is a longing within me that won’t leave until it comes to pass. We have prepared a room in our house for our child and continue to live with a generational mindset in anticipation. I buy things for our child, I preserve heirlooms for our child, and I even prepare writings for our child in anticipation of reading to him/her one day. Every week I enter our child’s room and spend quiet time glancing around vulnerably at the things we have prepared while praying and seeking God’s miracle in our life. Some days it hurts to even enter the room and my eyes fill with tears as I peek out from my downcast eyelids hoping that all of my preparation hasn’t been in vain. Another thing I find myself doing is enjoying and loving the children that are around us. Enjoying and spending time with nieces, nephews, children in church and friends. Even though every second of the “practice time” is wonderful it only satisfies the craving for but a moment. By the time we head home, alone, my heart is in my knees as I realize that until we have a child of our own the longing will never cease. It is during these times that I physically feel bruised on the inside from longing and aching for a child, my inheritance in Christ. Even still, in the midst of my pain, I long. I dare to allow myself to persist in seeking a child; knowing that the where and when of this is up to God and I must wait for His timing and direction.

Prior to meeting my husband I had my own apartment for four years. I had a career during this time and never seemed to run out of “friends” yet there was an aching within me to share with someone. I longed for the husband that would one day be my own. To me there was nothing inviting about coming home to a dark and empty apartment. I rescued a dog (my sweet Chihuahua Bebo who is with me to this day!) but was disappointed to realize that sharing with my complete nonjudgmental companion did not fill the gaping hole that was meant to be filled by my husband. During this time of longing I cannot even count the number of times I cried out to God from the floor of my apartment in loneliness. Many times I would cook a very nice meal for myself, light all the candles, and eat alone imagining what it would be like to have someone to do that with. Sometimes I would run a hot bath and put on my very best robe and sit there and pray for the man that would one day become my husband, whoever he was, wherever he was. Sparingly I would try to date men knowing full well in my heart that they were not meant to be my spouse but I (unwisely) allowed myself the moment to have someone to share with. As the days and the years passed I allowed myself to long for a husband while trusting God with His timing. No matter how much time passed or how many men I would meet in passing I never allowed myself to stop longing and yearning for the one that God had for me. I knew it was to be and despite the aching inside of me for a true companion I dared to feel those emotions and leave them to God while keeping an eye out for “the one”. Eventually I realized (through my then future-husbands persistence) that “the one” was living nearly 40 feet from my apartment and had been for two years!

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in and adhere to and trust in and rely on God; and trust in and rely also on Me.In My Father’s house there are many dwelling places (homes). If it were not so, I would have told you; for I am going away to prepare a place for you.And when I go and make ready a place for you, I will come back again and will take you to Myself, that where I am you may be also.And [to the place] where I am going, you know the way.” John 14:1-2

“Jesus said to him, I am the Way and the Truth and the Life; no one comes to the Father except by (through) Me.” John 14:6

Recently I began to study the significance of the historical wedding covenant by Jewish culture. When Jesus walked the earth the wedding didn’t happen as it does today, a one day and done deal. There were several steps and sometimes even a year or more of time that would pass prior to the bride and bridegroom beginning their life together. First, the bridegroom would approach the bride’s father and offer a dowry or bride-price for the bride. Once this had been secured there would be a covenant exchanged in which the bride would be set apart for her bridegroom. The two were considered married at this point; it was considered a “done deal” even as the process was just beginning. With the bride being set apart for the bridegroom, the bridegroom would leave her and go back to his father’s house. There he would prepare a place for the bride and make a place for them to live and begin their own life and family. He would work on this for usually up to twelve months at which time the bride’s father would come and approve the living standards for which his daughter would reside.

Meanwhile, the bride would be at home with her father preparing for life with her husband. She would collect items and begin longing for the day her bridegroom would arrive to take her to her home. Even though she lived with her father, at this point she knew in her heart her home and purpose was elsewhere. She would yearn and wait for her bridegroom to come and bring her to the place he had prepared for her. The beauty of this period is that the bride would not know when the groom would come for her. She would continue longing as if he were coming that very day, always on edge, always waiting and keeping watch for him. She would allow herself to long for the one in hopes that soon he would return for her and her dreams would come to pass.

Finally, when everything was prepared to the best of his ability the bridegroom would set out unannounced (often at night) with his friends and servants to come for his bride. Once he arrived there would be a huge celebration and a seven day feast where the marriage would be consummated prior to their departure and the beginning of their life together.

Isn’t this beautiful? I think what makes it so wonderful is the idea that this is how we are referred to in the bible, as the bride of Christ. Jesus came, secured the covenant for us, paid the price on the cross, and went to prepare a place for us. Now, we are waiting, yearning, longing for His return and for him to take the troubles of this season away so that we may begin free as His bride.

Sometimes the things that we long for are the very things that we know are promised to us because of the price our bridegroom paid for us. We are longing for healing; for wholeness; for children as an inheritance; for intimacy and love; and so much more. It is good and it is right to have a longing within us for these things and seek our heavenly Father for that which we know is good!

In your own life what is it that you are longing for? Do you dare to feel those emotions? Do you allow yourself to live “on edge”, in anticipation of, and yearning for God to touch an area of longing of your life?

Do you allow yourself to touch the pain associated with craving and the ache of longing? It is so easy to push our longing onto a shelf and check out emotionally. Yet to be vulnerable enough to process these feelings and allow ourselves to know the ache of longing even in bits will bring us reward and true fulfillment when the day of triumph comes.

“Then the kingdom of heaven shall be likened to ten virgins who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they did not take any [extra] oil with them; But the wise took flasks of oil along with them [also] with their lamps.

While the bridegroom lingered and was slow in coming, they all began nodding their heads, and they fell asleep.But at midnight there was a shout, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Go out to meet him!’ Then all those virgins got up and put their own lamps in order.And the foolish said to the wise, Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.But the wise replied, There will not be enough for us and for you; go instead to the dealers and buy for yourselves.But while they were going away to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were prepared went in with him to the marriage feast; and the door was shut. Later the other virgins also came and said, Lord, Lord, open [the door] to us!But He replied, I solemnly declare to you, I do not know you [I am not acquainted with you].

Watch therefore [give strict attention and be cautious and active], for you know neither the day nor the hour when the Son of Man will come.” Matthew 25: 1-13

Allow yourself to keep looking out the window for your bridegroom to arrive! He may arrive with healing, deliverance, a spouse, a child, financial blessing, a restored relationship, or whatever it is that you are longing for! When he shows up we do not want to be out of oil and out of touch with Him and our emotions! Stand guard and persistently desire that which is good and just and true!

While only one of my three longings have been fulfilled, I can honestly say that having been married now for three years to the love of my life every moment of my longing was worth it. I now look back to those days of crying out from the floor of my apartment and solo candlelight dinners as a joy. They were experiences of faith, intimacy, and seeking God. I will never have the opportunity to long for this and seek God for this again because my longing has been fulfilled. I’m glad that I had the opportunity to worship in my longing because my life has been forever changed not in just the fulfillment but in the process.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth being compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us and for us and conferred on us! For creation (all nature) waits expectantly and longs earnestly for God’s sons to be made known, waits for the revealing, the disclosing of their sonship” Roman 8:18-19

Longing is a very vulnerable place to be. It is scary because we realize there is always that slight possibility that the bridegroom will not show up, and our longing will not be fulfilled. Yet, even in the bible there were many men that did not live to see the promises which they toiled and longed for!

“All these people didn’t receive what was promised, though they were given approval for their faith.” Hebrews 11:39

Yet they didn’t give up their promises or their dreams. They never quit longing and because of them we are able to receive the promises of God through Christ. No matter how scared we are let us dare to crave, persistently desire, and long for those things which are the desires of our hearts. Record our longings in prayers, in journals, ponder them in our hearts, and live in the moment so that we can experience life to the fullest. Our treasure is in the journey. Rather than be immune to the present let us experience true freedom by allowing ourselves to be alive and in the moment.

Let’s look out the window now. Is the bridegroom coming?

Chaos Free Circles – Operating from a place of peace

It is my desire today to write about chaos. Chaos is all around us and affects us in so many ways. For several years I heard from a therapist, “I don’t do chaos” and one day I finally asked her what this meant. It makes sense that we try to stay away from drama and other unnecessary situations that exploit us but it seemed to me that there were situations of chaos in my life that I couldn’t identify until it was too late.

As I started to talk with Fern (DiscoveringMErcy.org) about chaos she was able to break it down for me very clearly. As we discussed the definition of chaos, the categories of chaos, and healthy responses to chaos, clarity began to take hold in my mind. I felt lighter and somehow more free.

To put it simply, chaos is confusion. Anytime there is confusion there are typically indicators of chaos close at hand. Chaos can rear its head in the most common phrase we refer to as “drama”. Conflict, striking, excessive emotion or interaction can be symptoms of confusion and therefore chaos.

Fern started out by explaining to me that there are three circles in all of our lives. The first circle is our own circle labeled: Mine. In this circle are things that only we can control. These include: how we spend our time, our decisions, how we spend our money, our attitudes, our responses and emotions, etc. This circle is our area of jurisdiction and we want to operate from this circle in everything that we do. No one else can be responsible for the things in our circle and we shouldn’t let be them or we are entering chaos. We also shouldn’t attempt to step out of this circle and take responsibility for things outside of our jurisdiction either.

The second circle in our lives is the circle labeled: God’s Circle. God’s circle contains things that only God can control. These include: weather, traffic, provisional needs (i.e. clothing, food, shelter, money), laws of nature (i.e. gravity, tides, daylight), etc. The things that are in God’s jurisdiction are only things that He can change or rule over. It is a waste of time to enter chaos or a “911 state” about something that we cannot control.

“Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes his lightning flash?” Job 37:15

And lastly there is a circle labeled: Others. These are things that only other people can control. These include: their responses, their feelings, their words, reactions, choices, decisions, lifestyles, etc. Only other people can control their own lives and situations and so their circle will contain all of these things.

So what is chaos? Chaos, according to Fern, is when you step out of your circle (MINE) and try to enter into God’s circle or the Others’ circle. When you step outside of your jurisdiction and attempting to either control a situation or react because of a situation that is not in your circle you are in chaos.

If I have planned a picnic for Saturday and when I wake up that day the weather is rainy and windy there is nothing I can do about it. If I start crying and becoming angry and upset then I have left my circle and am dabbling in God’s circle. Only God can control the weather in this example and the proper response would be disappointment and acceptance. No amount of reacting on my part will change the weather or allow for my picnic to proceed as planned. Only God can change the weather. The same would go for being stuck in traffic. As inconvenient as it may be we cannot control it and therefore shouldn’t allow it to disrupt us internally to a point of chaos. After all, no amount of screaming or honking will move the traffic any faster.

An example regarding the “Others” circle is if I am asked to do a favor for someone. The favor would require me to rearrange my whole day so I must utilize my freedom to decline. If I do this and the other person becomes angry and begins arguing with me I have a choice. I can respond and engage in this argument or not. The healthy response is internal acknowledgement that I am not responsible for their anger, their feelings or their situation – and I cannot control them. Choosing to engage in an angry argument which allows me to dabble in the “Other’s” circle to soothe things over for their feelings is entering chaos. Even allowing myself to become upset in such a situation is dabbling in chaos. It is giving power to someone else over my circle (my feelings).

This is a very simple tool that can be used in our relationships. When we understand our circle of jurisdiction and respond to things that happen around us from a place of peace (our own circle) we will quickly see chaos subside. For example, suddenly instead of my whole day being ruined because of a little rain at my picnic we simply move the party to the garage or a friend’s house and keep going. Or instead of engaging in a heated argument of defense about my choice to not rescue someone else I can simply walk away and let the other person deal with their own emotions however they choose while not being or feeling responsible.

I have noticed this illustration in reversal as well. There have been times when someone has stepped outside of their own circle to control my feelings or manipulate decisions that were rightfully mine to make. Having this tool in mind and being able to recognize the situation allowed me to take back my own mind, will, and emotions to operate from a place of peace. Keeping my own boundaries and freedom of choice will always push chaos away.

“Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control” Proverbs 25:28

There are so many scenarios that can be conjured up to explain this tool. Chaos is around us frequently and gravitates towards the web of codependency. Codependent people live in a state of chaos and we must use wisdom to separate from this lifestyle. Clear boundaries are very enlightening because they allow us to get to know what is inside of us. We get to learn about our own personalities and learn what makes us tick. As we get to know our own selves through intimacy (in to ME see) our responses to chaos and things that involve the God and Other circles will become second nature.

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” Psalm 139:1-2

Drama free? Chaos free? Codependency free? Remember, it is a journey of intimacy (in to ME see).

“He grants peace to your borders and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.” Psalm 147:14

Three other reads about codependency and relationships:

https://crutchprints.com/2013/10/12/do-relationships-require-rescuing/

https://crutchprints.com/2013/11/14/operating-from-a-healthy-standpoint-providing-feedback/

https://crutchprints.com/2013/11/19/warriors-are-made/

Courage to Break it Down

Courage to Break it Down – Ashly P. Ash

It seems in our society more and more that we tend to excuse our fears and tiptoe around them rather than facing them. We rationalize that doing certain things are “just not for me” or “I just don’t have that personality”. Sometimes we even just nod in understanding as we explain to our friends “I guess that is just my weakness”. Lately I have been reflecting on this trend that has become the norm. I have been wondering if many of us are not moving to the next level of growth because of our excuses.

I talk to a lot of people and I hear so many dreams from the hearts of God’s people. Many of these dreams we believe God will simply hand to us. We believe that one day, all of a sudden; we will wake up and be living the life that we have dreamed of. But when we look at scripture and look at history we have to be honest with ourselves in realizing this is not how God operates. Of course there are times when He performs miracles and I definitely want to make room for miracles! A lot of the time though there are very small steps in our daily walk that we need to begin to make so that God will begin working on our character to prepare us for the greatness we claim is our destiny. It isn’t that God can’t hand us our dreams supernaturally but a lot of the time He wants to build character and relationship within us along the way! Dreams are real and they can be realized through responsibility! Taking responsibility for our weaknesses and being willing to start somewhere is half the battle.

According to the dictionary courage is: to act in accordance with ones beliefs especially in spite of criticism. Courage is stepping out and facing something when we do not have a guarantee of the outcome. As I always say, every journey begins on the inside and courage is no exception. Courage must begin as a heart attitude. We must recognize our dream, recognize where we want to be. What is the “light at the end of the tunnel” for us right now? What river do we need to start crossing to end up on the other side of?

Prayer is one of the best ways to prepare us for an attitude of courage. Taking our fears to the Cross and confessing them aloud can sometimes be the starting point of breaking their power over us. Through confession we can begin to look for opportunities and ways to begin towards our goals. For me it seems when I pray the Holy Spirit speaks to me and gives me nudges internally that push me in the direction that I need to go. Acting in faith takes courage, and faith is stepping out when we don’t see change.

“You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone” James 2:24

“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” John 14:26

Faith is stepping out even when we don’t see change. This is not a definition but a guideline from my own experience. Once I realize where it is that I want to be or need to be, pray about it and figure out what I am called to do, I need faith to act. It can be very scary to operate in faith and to step out believing that God is not only on the other side of our problem but also right there with us.

“For we live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13

In changing our heart attitude we will slowly begin to view the process as a joy instead of a burden. I have heard it preached before that we may as well enjoy the journey because about 90% of our life is spent on the journey and not the destination. We know this is true in our hearts! As soon as we arrive at any destination we are already thinking of the next thing. God created us to “fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen 1:28) so by nature we are dreamers and achievers through Christ!

There are many examples in my life of conquering fear and moving forward in faith. I want to share a few of them here and hopefully inspire you in your journey as well.

One way that I can really relate to courage is from my experience in skiing. A lot of times a ski slope consists of multiple little hills. It is either broken up this way on purpose or it is the best way for them to clear the land. Either way you usually can take one slope (especially in a place like Colorado where the slopes can be over a mile long) and break it into sections as you ski. To me it seems when you are skiing and about to go down a very steep hill (or cliff as my mom calls them) the first section is always so easy. You head down and are thinking “man this isn’t so bad at all”. Then as you continue all of a sudden reach this drop off. You look down and you cannot see the bottom because it is so steep that if you get close enough to lean over you will fall. It is always at this point that you look back up the hill wondering if you can somehow get back up there. Of course the way most resorts are set up though you realize even if you get back up to the top there is no way for you to get back to the lodge without skiing down!

Early on our instructors taught us that when you come to a point like this where you are sure that by continuing you will die, you should mentally break each section into about four more sections. Find a landmark (a tree, a rock, a break in the snow) and decide you will get to that point and then stop. When you get to the break that you have mentally marked you can set your next point. Soon enough, bit by bit, you are at the bottom of the slope intact and in fact alive.

But you see, it is a matter of attitude and courage. First you convince yourself that even if you are overwhelmed by the entire slope in front of you, you CAN make it to that one little point about 50 yards out. After you have your internal attitude in order you must step out in courage and begin to head towards that target. You move in faith stepping out even though the slope hasn’t changed, the conditions haven’t changed; nothing has changed except your attitude. I am not going to lie to you, starting to ski down when you are that scared can be the most terrifying thing you have ever done! Your heart starts pounding within you, your hands and neck become a little sticky and hot and you wonder why you wore so many layers for the cold because at that moment you feel anything but cold! Then after starting out right after you make your first turn with the ski’s you realize you are ok and you will be fine and it gets so much easier from there.

I have seen many people sit there for hours instead of making that first move towards the bottom. I’ve seen others completely take off their skis and walk back to the top to call for help. Others have flown forward carelessly and without caution causing bad accidents which have placed them in the hospital. But those that have approached the slopes appropriately with caution, attitude contemplation, and courage always end up at the bottom with a feeling of victory within them that matches no other!

What ski slope are you on right now? What is it that you need to get to the bottom of? Do you feel overwhelmed by this and unsure of where to start? This is an opportune time to break your goal into sections and find a breaking point in which you too can ski down to and shoot for. You do not want to carelessly fly off the cliff and end up in the “hospital” with more emotional wounding that can set you back years. You do not want to trek back to the top of the mountain to find out that you have to ski back down anyway and have simply wasted your time! Take a moment right now even and ask the Lord what ski slope you need to set out on, and ask Him what very specific breaking points you can set as a goal.

Another example came the other week when I was driving to see a friend a few hours away. On the way I had to pass through a tunnel. As I started into the tunnel I had no idea what was on the other side. In fact, there was a huge mountain standing before me and it appeared as if it was impossible to pass without going over. When I began driving into the tunnel I could feel myself getting a little excited. Subconsciously I was thinking, “What is on the other side?”, “Oh this isn’t something I see every day, this is a new path, this is exciting!”

As I kept driving and noticing my surroundings I was curious about this tunnel. How it was made, what it was made of, and what was its purpose? I wasn’t very far in before I did not see an end to this path and got a little anxious. “What if it doesn’t lead to where I want to be? My GPS stopped working due to being inside of the mountain so am I in the right place? Why do I not see the other side of the tunnel yet? Where is the light?” These were thoughts that started crossing my mind as I drove on in the darkness.

Finally I could see a small flicker of light indicating the end of the tunnel. Seeing the end to my goal and knowing where I was headed I immediately calmed and felt peace inside. Within a few hundred feet my GPS continued working and it was confirmed that I was indeed on the right path.

Do you see how this is like courage and faith? When we get out on a new path and step out in courage on the path we feel God has destined for us at first we are excited! We received the promise from God, we know where we are headed, and we are warriors! As we continue on we get a little curious about this path. Mmmm…did we hear God right? Are we on the right path? Why does God seem to be taking us the long way around here, what is His purpose?

Then as we continue anxiety often sets in. We were so sure we followed God (our GPS) on this path; we were so sure we were guaranteed to get out on the other side of the mountain where we were promised to go! But why are we not there yet? Maybe this isn’t right after all? Maybe we missed God?

And finally, when we start to see things coming together the way God put them together we feel the joy and the peace of testimony. Knowing that once again our God was bigger than our feeble minds could ever fathom!

To believe without seeing is something that we can only do on this earth. To step out and act in faith and courage when there is no guarantee of the outcome is storing treasure in heaven.

“But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” Matthew 6:20

There is no time other than this lifetime on earth that we get to show God how much we love and depend on His grace to meet us not just at the end of every tunnel but the whole way through the tunnel!

Is Walking a Right?

~I wrote this poem today. I had driven two hours to see my prosthetic provider and was a little early. As I sat in the car dreading the moment of walking in and going through the emotional trauma yet again this came pouring out of me onto the paper I managed to gather from around me. It is a poem of pure emotion and really a prayer as well!

Is Walking a Right?

Again I make this lonely trip

The skies turn gray, the clouds they drip

The weather reflects the feelings inside me

As I secretly long to be set free

The worry and stress for this provision

Things my friends can’t even envision

The defiling touch in places of mine

I wish to scream “you’re out of line!”

Yet the only way for me to walk

Is to keep my head down and never balk

The pain, the bills, insurance fights

It seems forever I’m resigned to fright

I fight in my nightmares so hard to win

On the scale with rewards this comes up thin

Jesus you promised to end our struggles

So why do I stand like a clown who can’t juggle

Your word I will trust in, by choice I will choose

To be dragged by desperation I simply refuse

You give and you take; in YOUR good time

All I can do is trust you’ll give mine

In front of the office I wait patiently

Telling You how I feel so lonely

Not due to the fact of no company

But the burden that’s mine no one can see

All this to feel two feet underneath

While half the time in pain I seethe

The pain is not easy and doesn’t cease

But still I continue to fill my one need

To walk with the Lord and thank Him for much

Though I really wish it was without fuss

The burden I give Jesus; but I don’t wish it on Him

I hand it over sadly; He paid the price for this sin

Consequences of the fallen here shown in me

I’m waiting because he came to set free

Another appointment…the time is now

Yes I’ll get through it, some way, somehow

A Box of Left Shoes?

Last year we had a fire in the apartment next to us. The fire didn’t come through the wall but we did lose a lot of things to smoke damage. When the fire restoration girls came through they were going to pack up all of our belongings and take them for treatment. After they were finished we could sort through anything not salvageable.

On a daily basis I checked in with the girls to see how they were handling our personal belongings and if there were any questions in regards to how things should be packed or handled. It was quite stressful having strangers in your house going through things! We were also in process of buying our first home so my patience was thin and my moods drastic during this time.

On the second day I showed up without my prosthesis and only on crutches. The girl looked at me and brought me in to my closet explaining there was a problem. She explained she wasn’t sure why but there were about 17 shoes that she could not seem to find a match for. She looked at me completely baffled and apologetic. I nodded and she started to apologize stating she had no idea where the others would have gone but they haven’t yet come across the matches and what would I like her to do?!

Nodding in confusion myself I looked down at my one foot and said, “Well, were they all left shoes?” She said, “Oh let me check” while rummaging through the box and exclaiming “YES!” I looked down again at my one foot and looked back up and thought…Girl…Here is your sign!!!

He Gives and Takes Away

Harvest from one of our gardens

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21

This is a concept that has been very dear to my heart for many years. There is a song that expresses this most fully and whenever I hear this song I end up so overwhelmed that I nearly choke up in tears.

“You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name” (Lyrics by Matt Redman “Blessed Be Your Name”)

While I know and realize that the Lord didn’t wish for me to lose my leg to cancer, or struggle in daily life since then, it is difficult to come to terms with the idea that the Lord allowed this to happen in my life. While I do not charge God with wrongdoing (Job 1:22) I do seek His face and His purpose that no matter what has happened in my life I can bring praise to His name.

Before I lost my leg at the age of four one of my favorite things to do was run. I can remember running as fast as I could for no other reason than I enjoyed it. I remember the feeling of grass under my two feet and how one leg would follow the next up a flight of stairs so naturally.

Climbing a tree before my cancer diagnosis

Really, I was so blessed to have experienced those feelings because for the rest of my life I will ponder them in my heart as little gems. There was such peace associated with being whole and being free to move with no tension or stress on the other parts of my body. But the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

“The earth is the Lord’s, the fullness of it, the world and all who dwell in it.” Psalm 24:1

So often I think we forget that everything is the Lord’s. We are only stewards of everything that is here, including ourselves. Everything that we have is meant to bless us and bless others and is given by a loving Father in heaven. But do we view our belongings and even our bodies as such?

Do we remember that even the hair on our head is a blessing? That was something that I remember being very difficult to lose. As a child I had blonde hair and everyone would rave about my dirty blonde curls and how beautiful I was because of my hair. When I started chemotherapy it started to slowly fall out. As the chemotherapy treatments continued bigger clumps would fall out and I would wake up in the morning to find balls of hair on my pillow to the point I would be petrified that I was dying. Within a few weeks I was completely bald and no one commented anymore at how pretty I was. No one complimented the way I looked anymore and as a little child I really missed that. I knew my hair didn’t define me but at four years old it seemed pretty important as it was something that made me noticeable to others in a positive way rather than the negative stares I started receiving as a bald child. But the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the he name if The Lord.

I remember the children that were around me in the hospital alone. Their families had checked out mentally and physically. Most parents didn’t have the mental capacity to handle the suffering and death that accompanied cancer. They would drop their small children and teenagers off at the hospital door and leave them alone for weeks and sometimes months at a time. The children and teenagers would cry out for their families and you would hear them at night. There were plenty of toys, plenty of gifts, plenty of THINGS surrounding us at the hospital but in the moments of pain and even facing death these kids cried out for family. They needed love and fellowship to push them through what they were facing and to give them strength to fight on. Do we realize that our families, however imperfect they may be, are a gift from God? The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the the name of The Lord.

Several years ago I taught a bible study at a local church and I used to pick up a lady that was very poor and not well off mentally, physically, or financially. She would come each week that I picked her up for my study and she would participate and smile for the class duration. She had a big toothless smile and would always say “I am so blessed”. One day during church I happened to glance over and watch her put her change purse into the offering. She was aglow as she did this and it made me realize the beauty in the sacrifice she was making for Jesus. She knew and understood that every last thing in her possession was the Lord’s.

^“And He sat down opposite the treasury and saw how the crowd was casting money into the treasury. Many rich people were throwing in large sums. And a widow who was poverty-stricken came and put in two copper mites [the smallest of coins], which together make half of a cent. And He called His disciples and said to them, Truly and surely I tell you, this widow, [she who is] poverty-stricken, has put in more than all those contributing to the treasury. For they all threw in out of their abundance; but she, out of her deep poverty, has put in everything that she had—[even] all she had on which to live.” Mark 12:41-44

The beauty of this struck deep and humbled me because just as the song says “when there is pain in the offering, blessed be the name of The Lord.

At night when we lay our heads down to sleep do we grasp the gift that we receive in having a safe place to sleep? Two years ago we went to sleep in our apartment that we lived in after being married. Several hours later the dog woke me and I realized our apartment was full of smoke and there was a fire. The smoke damage was so extreme that we were later told within another ten to fifteen more minutes of being asleep we would have died from suffocation without even waking up. The Lord used the dog to wake us and alert us to the danger. I believe He gave us this gift so that we could bear testimony of Him.

Our apartment was on the other side of this wall. God is Good! — Our apartment and bedroom was on the other side of this wall. God is Good!

While we lost some things and a comfortable place to sleep for awhile we were safe and the Lord used this as a transition period in our life; The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Traveling back from Dominican Republic on vacation I had been complaining about my prosthetic leg. It had been uncomfortable and rubbing, causing much irritation. Our flight home was delayed by 10 hours which meant I had to wear prosthetic leg for nearly 24 hours since we were forced to check out of the hotel and I couldn’t carry it along with my luggage. I was so uncomfortable and doing my fair share of whining. Then, as we pulled out of the hotel on the bus for the airport I looked down and there was a young girl on the street with no legs. She was on her nubs in the street rummaging through the trash for food. She had no prosthetic device, no food, and still she held her smile as she was fighting to survive in the only way she had the ability to. I was so humbled and ashamed in this moment to realize the extent I had been blessed! To even have the opportunity to own a prosthetic leg and be mobile without hunger was a blessing from God beyond measure. I believe with all my heart if I had stopped to talk to that girl with a smile on her face she would have told me, “the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be His name!”

These are all examples of simple things that we tend to take for granted in our lives. We all have so much to be thankful for. When bad things happen to good people we need to change our attitudes and seek a heavenly mindset. Bearing foremost that every thing we see is temporary and that our real treasures are being stored in heaven.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18

“But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” Matthew 6:20

After this life we will know no more pain or suffering. This is the only time that we have (our time on earth) to show God that we love Him and believe that He also mourns with us because of the bad that has befallen us. Our forefathers have allowed evil to enter the earth through sin. When Jesus walked the earth He wept over many things. Our God emphasizes with us in every struggle! In our pain when we turn and say to Him, “Blessed be YOUR name, LORD” we are saying:

“Lord, YOU are holy, good, caring, and full of blessing! You understand what we are going through and grieve with us, yet you respect the authority you gave to us when you created the earth and the fact that through Adam and Eve we allowed sin into the world which results in pain and suffering to this day. We don’t understand all of these things and why they are happening to us, but since mankind allowed sin into the world these consequences will be present. Until Jesus returns and there is a new heaven and a new earth there will be pain and suffering here. We praise You because only You have the power to redeem these things and make them right. We praise You because of who You are and because there will be no other time for us to recognize Your holiness like we can right now in our pain and suffering. Blessed be the name of the Lord”

What do you have? What has been taken away? Today, how will you bless the name of the Lord?

Memory Lane

Memory Lane – Ashly P. Ash

Today I strolled on down the lane

Was filled with pain to my disdain

Physically I was so distraught

As each and every step I fought

But there with me was a precious child

One so sweet, meek and mild

I knew that I must carry on

But in this chess game I was the pawn

We played a game then as we walked

Memory lane is what it was called

Every tree that we passed by

And every vibrant leaf as it died

We hung a memory from our past

Part of the mold which we were cast

The colors of fall surrounded us

And carry on I knew I must

Starting young and thinking back

Memories came as I got the nack

My grandmothers’ affection I placed high

While remembering them with a sad sigh

Picking flowers as a small girl

Watching mom make my hair curl

Each forming moment we hung in the air

Settling on the breeze with care

And as we walked and with laughter smiled

I realized this may be a memory for this child

Warriors are Made

This Poem is in conjunction with my recent writing: “Operating from a Healthy Standpoint – Giving Feedback”. (https://crutchprints.com/2013/11/14/operating-from-a-healthy-standpoint-providing-feedback/)

Warriors are Made

It is so hard to hear you speaking like this

I really can’t see how you can miss

The point and the pity is all that you gain

Emptiness really one in the same

Are you ready for change and ready for light

Or must we again go through your plight

I know it is tough, no one better than me!

But I’m at my capacity to make you see

Jesus can change but you must rise up

You must decide enough is enough!

Rise up to the challenge; take responsibility

Your Father will guide you infinitely

But really this triangle here is a bust

I’m stepping out of it, really I must

Don’t you realize you aren’t the center

Help and suggestions you merely banter

One must resign from all excuses

From all the distractions and hopeless muses

Stand up and fight and choose to live life

Realize your words can be a great knife

You are responsible for the way you turn out

God gave you that choice so don’t simply pout

Warriors are made they are not born

They don’t sit around feeling forlorn

They rise up in courage and in faith they know

Wherever they stand the true Lord will show

There is no time for drama, no time for shame

Don’t even try this time to shift blame

Just rise up, stand tall; He won’t let you fall

Ready for battle, listen for the call

Defeat is not a word in our vocabulary

Victory comes as you set your mind free

All chords of oppression; all strings of doubt

In Jesus name be broken; Love’s what it’s about

Freedom isn’t free but is taken by love

Creativity come forth! Fly as a dove

Lord use all our pain and help us to know

With the river of life we are choosing to flow