Crutchprints in the Sand

Where There is a Will There is a Way – A Story Behind the Story

Many people look at my life and assume since I have survived cancer and survived amputation that life continues on as normal for me. I often am asked “and now you are ok?” with a swift nod of affirmation before I can even answer. Many people do not understand or even realize that life as a cancer surviving amputee creates a chronic condition that affects every part of ones being and life. Being able to daily bounce back from the trauma which started twenty four years ago is a key part of living a happy life.

Of course “where there is a will there is a way” in life but what we are often missing when we try to apply this saying is the fact that there is always what I like to call “a story behind the story.”

A pin given to me by my Godmother to remind me of the perseverance of honeybees

The story may be that I changed the sheets on the bed today. I had a will and I found a way. The story behind the story is what it took for me to complete such a simple task. For me it involves putting my crutches down and scooting on my bottom around the bed pulling the sheets off of all corners. I then put on my prosthetic leg and shoes to carry the laundry to the basement. Washing, drying, and using a special bag to carry the sheets back upstairs. Now they are upstairs I must take my leg back off (due to the small space of my bedroom) and scoot around the bed a few more times on my bottom to put them back on. All of this is my “will” behind my “way”.

“Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble.” Proverbs 3:23 (this verse has always had special meaning to me)

Back in January I had an all around and very thorough blood work check. Being a blood transfusion recipient in the 80’s a new doctor felt it necessary to do a very thorough follow-up check. Through the process of 22 tubes of blood and then a few more tests I was given the news that I have Type II Diabetes. It was explained to me that a lot of the medications including chemotherapy when I was four years old had weakened my pancreas over the years and caused it to work much harder to create insulin. I was advised to not attempt to have children and that even when the diabetes became under control it probably would not be recommended based on my existing condition and the typical worsening of sugar during pregnancy. My dream as a wife has been to have a child. My dream has always been to pour the wisdom of the years that I have struggled through into a child of my own. Somehow I really felt it would “all be worth the struggle” if I just had someone to pass it all on to. I was crushed.

As a cherry on top for me within two weeks of hearing this I went to the dentist where he showed me an X-ray of my mouth and explained that the chemotherapy had stunted my tooth growth as a child and my teeth are very short with short roots and that while they are stable it is very important for me to maintain them with regular checkups and keep an eye for looseness.

Nearly right away I felt so devastated and depressed. I wanted a way to live life and enjoy life and have tried from the first day of having cancer to do so. I have had such a hard time doing simple tasks throughout my life and now I was being told that even one of the few carefree things in my life (food) was to be taken away from me and the effects of having cancer 24 years ago was still alive? “I am only 28 years old,” I thought, “what will happen to me by the time I am 50?” Exasperated, depressed, upset, I spent nearly a full day in tears and grieving for my loss. I grieved when I made lunch and was forced to sit on the kitchen floor and eat it because I couldn’t carry my plate to the table in the other room. I grieved when I got up to make supper without my leg (I think it was broken at this time) and grieved over not being able to do this easily and not being able to carry a nice display for my husband to the table. Later when I went outside to plan my gardens I grieved and cried because I knew the only way for me to garden would be by crawling around on my bottom to pull the weeds. And that night after my shower I stood in the mirror and cried some more grieving the way my loss has affected my marriage and dream to have a family.

It came down to the fact that I had a “way” to do all of these things and a “way” to cook, clean, and garden. Over the years I have devised a million different ways to do simple tasks. They may not be easier and they surely aren’t faster, but they are indeed an alternative way. What I lacked was the “will” to perform at this point.

“and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:3

After grieving for a full day I decided it was time to get my “will” back. I realized that I had previously been praying asking God to show me how I could be healthier and live longer. Doctors advised I take a nutrition class and see a nutritionist to start. My husband and I attended this class together and learned how to eat, how much to eat, how often to eat, how a person with a disability can exercise in a healthy way, and how to take care of my body and blood sugar. I realized at this class that this was an answer to prayer for me. This was a testimony that God cares about me enough to allow the doctors to bring this to my attention so that I could be healthy and live longer. If it was not meant for me to have a child naturally then it simply meant God had a reason for this and a child out there that needed a home and a mother like me.

During the three months between my diagnosis of diabetes and follow-up appointment I realized that my dreams needed to be laid down. God was in charge of the process and if He promised it, it would come to pass. It would come to pass in His way and He would bring healing to old hurts and traumas (even from 24 years ago!) along the way. I realized that I had so many emotions that I have shut down for the past 24 years and He was allowing them to spring forth and be grieved in an appropriate and healthy way so that they would no longer hinder me from a happy life.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?” Romans 8:35

Within three months when I returned for a checkup the doctors were astounded. Diet and a low dose of medicine had allowed me to completely turn around the diabetes to the point where my sugar wasn’t simply acceptable but it was better than the average healthy person. I had lost nearly 40 pounds and was in shape and feeling better physically than I had for years. My Doctor even smiled at me and told me that she was completely wrong about warning me not to have children and based on what she could see she felt wholeheartedly there was no reason for me to pick up my dream again.

You see, so many times we believe that we can simply repeat through our heads “where there is a will there is a way, where there is a will there is a way” and everything else will fade into the background. But that is not reality. In fact, it is an escape mechanism. God gave us feelings and he gave us a grieving process for a reason. We are not meant to circumvent our problems or obstacle but go through them. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…you are with me”(Ps 23) is a promise for us.

“Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.” John 16:20

We WILL walk through these things. Whether we walk through them in a healthy way or an unhealthy way is up to us. Whether we beat ourselves through them militarily or we allow ourselves to grieve and then stand up in courage and fight through is completely our choice. We will grieve losses whether they are large losses, losses from a long time ago, small losses, or simple changes in our routines and friendships. But to choose to go through our losses with God and finding out while we walk through God is overseeing the process is the real “story behind the story”.

So far we do not yet have a child, nor do we see evidence of this happening right now. But I do know that God has a plan and as I walk through this valley He is in charge. He is my “story behind the story” and the “will to His way”.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

Disabling the Disabled?

I used to travel a bit with the Amputee Coalition of America to various conferences nationwide. The amputee kids of all ages and disabilities would get together on these trips and bunk out in hotel rooms assigned and organized by the ACA committee. Activities would be planned for the entire three or four day event aside from the conference meetings and it was really a growing and interacting time for kids to be with others “like them”. I participated in this from within months of my amputation at the age of four all the way through an adult of nineteen.

There is really no way to describe the humor and interaction between amputees. Most of us I have found seem to have a drier sense of humor which is only encouraged and multiplied when in groups of seemingly “like kind”. I have seen everything and I’m sure many of my stories will come from these hilarious trips. Several times I’ve seen kids fall down randomly in front of a parked car and scream “MY LEG!” to create a scene. Once a man in a buffet line on crutches with one leg with a full plate was approached by a fellow amputee stating “You are pretty good on those things, let’s see how you do without them” and with a swift kick they were gone leaving the man to only laugh and balance his tray as he hopped along. I have even seen kids attempting to recreate wild WWF (World Wrestling Something) scenes resulting in actual prosthetic limbs going through the walls of hotel rooms and creating huge bills.

Amputee Humor...My famous halloween costume of the "Leg Lamp" from Christmas Story — Amputee Humor…My famous halloween costume of the “Leg Lamp” from Christmas Story

As a part of being one of the older participants in the program I would be assigned caretaker for three girls who would bunk in my hotel room and for whom I would be responsible for being sure they turned up on time, appropriately dressed, and well-rested for events starting with a daily 7:30 AM breakfast. Anyone with children knows telling kids at a sleepover to “get some rest and go to bed” is borderline psychotic and never actually happens anyway. Yet I still always managed to end up with the three most rambunctious girls in the entire hotel and still get them to all events (sleepy under eye baggage and all).

One particular evening I received a call from hotel management informing me that my girls were going down the hallways knocking on random doors and running away. I’m sure it was the awkward hop-skip that amputees do when running that gave them away to the security cameras. Still, I was responsible for them even if I was in the shower when this happened. I sat my girls down for a talk and with silent nods we seemed to reach an agreement.

The next evening as I came out of the shower someone was at the door. I opened it to find the leader of the committee with three girls in tow and a very unhappy scowl. She informed me abruptly that she had found the girls in the elevator pushing all the buttons and enjoying the free ride as a hundred amputees at the conference downstairs were forced to wait or take the stairs.

I thought about it for awhile and finally came up with a plan. How could I further disable my disabled children? The only way I could further disable already disabled children would be to pull their legs. Quite literally, I mean I decided I was going to have to pull their legs.

The next evening prior to my shower I called each of them into the bathroom and told them to take off their legs. They shrieked in horror as if I was forcing a limb loss or something! One of my girls even threatened to tell her mother I made her take her leg off, to which of course I laughed and continued taking my own off. So, they took off their legs and I locked them in the bathroom with me for my shower fully satisfied with the obvious brilliance of my ability to cripple children.

Over the next year or two I became known as the leg-collecting chaperone. Did it work? Well, if you think it worked apparently you do not know the determination of amputee children. Those critters still managed to get out of the room and be ornery knocking on doors! The good news is, they never got very far hopping along and raising cane in ten minutes. I would finish up, open the door and yell at them, and then as each girl came hopping back into the room I would re-issue limbs hiding my smile.

The fact is, the determination and humor they had is what got them through their daily life. Amputee children face more in a day then a normal person will face in a year. The determination they have and attitudes of diligence are something that I admire and have continual respect for. Their ability to fight through anything is what has kept them not only alive, but able to thrive. It makes me smile, as I hope this story has made you smile. After all, I was one of them!

Lost Earring, Faith Found

Lost Earrings, Faith Found

Ashly P. Ash

Faith is something that we hear a lot about in our lives. “Have faith” that you will end up with provision and that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. “Let go and let God” is another term we throw around so easily to encourage one another to keep faith.

Sometimes I wonder how many of us really believe in the things that we are heading towards. Are we living in expectation? Are we preparing the way for the promises that we know are in our future?

⁷“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.⁹“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹²So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:7-12

My jewelry collection is very dear to my heart. Each piece of jewelry I own has been purchased as a gift for me or holds sentimental value to me. Some of my pieces are collected from places I have traveled like a piece of shipwreck jewelry and a Colorado pinecone dipped in silver. Other pieces are very dear to my heart like the very first necklace my husband bought me in Williamsburg, VA when we were still dating. A lot of the pieces I have are one of five matching pieces that my parents bought and distributed among my four sisters and mother. Matching jewelry seems to be a theme in my family. One piece I have as a gift from my mother and father from Italy. It is a heart shaped murano glass necklace and it had matching earrings. In the tragic event of a fire in our apartment I lost one of the earrings and whenever I have attempted to discard the other one (deeming it as pointless) I have felt a tug in my heart to hold on to it.

As many of you know my husband and I dream for the day when we will have a child. We feel very certain based on the desire in our heart and confirmation from the Lord in various forms that this is His plan for us. We may not yet know the specifics of this but we do know that in His timing this dream will become a reality. Still, the waiting is the hardest part because waiting fulfillment of a promise is when arrows of doubt are constantly being shot at our minds and attitudes. I think I know more than anyone that in these situations your entire being aches from thinking and dreaming on something so that the phrase “Let go and let God” isn’t an easy feat.

A few weeks ago I came across that lone earring again in my jewelry collection. I sought out a lady that does jewelry repair and creative jewelry work and I felt that I should take it to her. Though I wasn’t too sure why I was supposed to do this I got together some other jewelry in need of a repair and headed over. As I went I felt so strongly that I shouldn’t just dream and speak with my mouth that I believe God will give me a child but that I should be living in expectation. So I took the earring in and asked her to turn it into a necklace to be a smaller matching pendant like my own. I felt that when I have a child, if it is a girl, she will get this necklace and it will match her mother’s (mine) as the tradition in my family calls for.

Shortly before this I was browsing in a clothing store one day when I felt I should choose to walk in faith by buying a few infant outfits in preparation of the future. Even then as I stood there trying to decide if it was wise to spend money on something I could not see materializing at that point I knew in my heart it wasn’t about the money or even the dream, but about trusting God and living like it.

What do you trust God for? What do you believe for? What steps can you take to walk out your faith today? You may not see your dream materialize today, tomorrow, or even a year from now but live like you do. Find the things that are dear to your heart and use them to contribute and prepare for your dreams. Dig out your lost-cause earrings or set aside some closet space to prepare for a baby! Some may think this is radical behavior and I agree wholeheartedly it is radical faith! Faith that is a gift from within and a way to allow us to lean on and rely on Jesus because we have something invested beyond simple words. Actions speak louder than words, let’s act!

Abram set out when God called him out of his hometown and did not even know where he was going, but he still went. The people of Israel wandering through the desert followed the cloud by day and fire by night not having a clue if they were headed in the right direction. Noah built an ark despite ridicule and laughter not even knowing if he would need it!

Hebrews 11 states many great men and women of faith! Read and reflect on this chapter and realize that many of these men and women never lived to see the final affect of their walk of faith! Abraham never lived to see his descendants as numerous as the stars yet day by day he walked and lived as if it would really happen and as a result the promise was fulfilled benefiting each and every one of us today.

Even when we know and see the light at the end of the tunnel, what is the point of reaching our destination if we have not enjoyed the journey along the way? Take time to walk by faith, act in faith, live as if your promises will be fulfilled by God tomorrow. When God gave Abram a promise he called him out of his tent and told him to look up. So while we are waiting for our promises to be fulfilled let us not forget to step out of ourselves, look up to the God of all creation, and enjoy every moment of the journey.

You know you are an amputee when…

Being an amputee I feel that humor is such an important part of life! None of these things are to “make fun” of or insult other amputee/handicap people but rather are things that at one point or another I have come across in my own experience and thoughts. Enjoy a smile today!

I met a friend, a goat that is also missing something!

You know you are an amputee when…

…You don’t understand “the dryer ate my socks” phrase because you never have to match your socks!

…Every pair of socks you own gets double use by simply switching the socks onto the other foot!

…When snorkeling you realize you have 50% less chance of being bitten by a shark

…You are always celebrated when entering an IHOP

…The song “Lean on Me” is very personal

…Literally, you have one foot in the future or one foot in the grave depending on the day

…Shoe salesmen hate you

…Your friends know the parody Johnny Cash song “I Hop the Line”

…No one else you know can literally break a leg and keep on going!

…You have two feet in two different states every time you leave your leg at the doctor’s

Preparing Your Room

Ashly Ash

We have been switching the two rooms upstairs and preparing one of them for a child. Though this has not materialized at this point we are taking a step of faith and preparing the way. No matter how our child comes (by natural way or adoption) we are longing for that day and treasure the journey along the way.

As I sit in the midst of all of this stuff

Some of the things that made me tough

Childhood memories are here abound

Dolls, tea sets, books lay around

I see my set of American girl dreams

The piles will never be sorted it seems

We are preparing your room and making way

Praying and hoping you come one day

Sooner than later the wait is so grating

Here in the process of never-ending abating

But this is here for you

All this is for you

New to you

Deciding what things are important for growth

Enjoying this time and making the most

Everything in your room will have meaning

Each single item has taken years of my gleaning

Surrounded by childhood and surrounded by fun

I laugh then I cry for a child I have none

We are preparing your room and making way

Praying and hoping you come one day

Sooner than later the wait is so grating

Here in the process of never-ending abating

But this is here for you

All this is for you

New to you

The prayers from this place are an arrow to heaven

May they rise the way my bread does when leavened

Until then I will prepare, a lonely woman lunatic

While going through every old childhood flick

Knitting in this room a blanket for future

Preparing for the day when I may nurture

We are preparing your room and making way

Praying and hoping you come one day

Sooner than later the wait is so grating

Here in the process of never-ending abating

But this is here for you

All this is for you

New to you

From a Wheel-Eyed View

From a Wheel-Eyed View – Ashly P. Ash

I am honest enough to admit one flaw that I have; I have always cared a great deal what others think of me. This has been a detriment through my life, just ask my family. Maybe it comes from being different and an amputee from the age of four; growing up alongside physically able children and never quite feeling normal. Maybe it is simply insecurity as a woman. Regardless of the reason, being a hip-disarticulate amputee I have found there are times in life when using a wheelchair and/or scooter is really beneficial not just for me but for those traveling with me. When I am in a wheelchair we can go farther, see more, and most importantly enjoy the journey along with way without the pain of the prosthetic leg, crutches, or constant worry for my wellbeing. As our society seems to teach I have felt that being in a wheelchair means I would be seen as “weak” or “less than” at best and “extremely unattractive” at worst. It has only been within the past five or so years that I have started to change my view and outlook on this by addressing things inside of me.

“Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become ‘fools’ so that you may become wise.” 1 Corinthians 3:18

First of all, being in a wheelchair does NOT make one unattractive, weak, or even annoying. I had to begin a slow journey of trusting God with my life and my attitudes. Studying the bible allowed me to slowly see who I am in Christ and how that extends into my everyday life. As a sub-category of this I also began to realize that I am not “Disabled Ashly” but rather “Ashly with a disability”. I decided that the only thing that would define me as a person would be the Word of God. I decided any other label I had placed or allowed to be placed on me would be null and void by the blood of Jesus. My life would be lived through Ashly and not through having one leg.

This of course did not happen in a day, week, or even a year. There was a time when I would gather all of the pictures in the house which reflected me undergoing chemotherapy treatment as a bald child and hide them to avoid embarrassment. Any videotapes of me limping as I walked I would vow to destroy while expressing anger and bitterness over the hand life had dealt me. I never saw my life as accomplishment but rather as lack. I felt I was lacking normalcy, lacking perfect walking skills, and lacking strength to do the things others could do so easily.

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18

I would trudge through Disney World walking miles in pain with sores, rubbing and bleeding all to avoid a few sideway glances that may come from me being in a wheelchair. Trip after trip to amusement parks, cruise ships, historical sites country-wide and airports were so entirely painful for me both emotionally and physically. I missed so much! It was as if I went through life with a pair of blinders on like a horse pulling a cart (the cart being my emotional fears of being seen in a wheelchair). My pride (the blinders) caused me to miss the journey!

I look back and realize that I missed so many wonderful experiences because I was too busy pulling along the cart of baggage behind me rather than hopping in (quite literally with one leg) and enjoying the ride. Being full of pride and refusing to surrender to Jesus was destroying my body and robbing me of joy!

”I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

So when I finally decided to get in a wheelchair and begin enjoying life I can honestly say it did not get any easier at first. Those traveling with me were relieved because they no longer had to worry about my well-being or contentment. We found ourselves smiling and enjoying memories in a freeing way. But of course just as I had feared I received so many rude stares. Many people would look at me as if I were an object and not a person. Others would point and talk out loud about me as if I couldn’t hear. Some people would approach me asking “ARE…YOU…HAVING…FUN?” assuming that I was disabled in a mental way rather than a physical one. I have even seen snickers when trying to get through doors or being seated in handicap accessible places!

After I got married being in a wheelchair for long-distance walks only seemed to make things worse for me. Suddenly I wanted my husband to walk alongside of me and be proud. I wanted him to “show off” his wife and I wanted to live up to the world’s standards of a “trophy wife” for him. But I will never forget him taking me in his arms one day and saying in a low and calm voice, “Who says ‘what is beautiful’? God does. I do. You are beautiful. I love you and want to enjoy this with you and the only way we can do that is if you are not struggling through it. Sit down and enjoy the view and allow me to enjoy this with you.”

His words changed my life. I believe that day God was speaking to me through my husband. Begrudgingly, I sat in the wheelchair nearly shaking in fear. I was so afraid people would see me as a “poor girl who has a nice-enough husband to put up with her problem”. I was afraid my husband would see other women walking with their husbands and resent me. So many fears began to overtake me that day but as my husband pushed me along he leaned down next to my ear and reminded me, “You are beautiful, aren’t you more comfortable? I’m so proud to be taking care of you like you take care of me all the time.” And I realized that the fears inside of me had been exposed to truth, to light, and were fleeing!

As the day went on I realized how beautiful of a view it really is from a wheelchair. There is no concentrating on walking or dodging people because someone is pushing you. You are closer to the ground and notice the landscape so much easier than others. Looking up you never have to worry about running into a wall or tree because you aren’t the one steering! I started to see patterns that I have never seen before, beauty all around me that prior to my surrender I had never seen! I started to see potential photographs everywhere and began to capture moments to remember. I was able to see things in a fresh way and at a new angle!

Today, I don’t understand when people do not want to be in a wheelchair. I even offer to push my husband sometimes when I am tired of sitting! Setting aside false pride and enjoying everyday life is something that I encourage everyone to do! There are times when we even pull pranks on others by me jumping up and taking a few steps shouting “It’s a miracle!”…or a personal favorite is when he will let go of pushing me then walking away as if he forgot me there. (The finger-pointing, shock, and lack of action from passerby’s is well worth the laugh!) My only regret is all the years that I believed the lies and taboo that surround wheelchairs. Having missed so much I can only hope to gain some of the time lost back and I am determined to enjoy every moment of it.

Do you struggle with self-image? Would you be willing to set aside all feelings of insecurity and be pushed in a wheelchair? Do you know your worth aside from your looks, health, and capability to take care of yourself?

In our lives there are so many things like this situation that we hold onto. We run like horses with blinders pulling our carts of baggage behind us. Jesus tells us “my yoke is easy, my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29) Laying down even what we believe to be the lightest of loads will allow Him to exchange it and give us not just a new view but a new love for life.

Let’s take some time to reflect this week about the things we feel define us. What things are holding us back from truly relying on Jesus? It is not a matter of surrender for His sake but for ours. There is so much more that He can give us if we just let go of the heavy carts we are carrying.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

So let’s stop seeing life from our “wheelchair-eye” worldly view. Let’s get back to the saying and take the “Birds Eye View” because it demonstrates that things are not always as they seem.

“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Proverbs 12:15

Set Us Free

See Us Free
Ashly P Ash

There’s a way for kingdom come
There’s a way that things get done
No one simply happens upon
Things are not manipulated by con
Though many are blind to see
It is the measure of bended knee

Though at first only seen by some
In the end will be doubted by none
Peace and love the way the world speaks
But haven’t they noticed this jug has a leak?
Jesus please be all you can be
Of this mindset make us be free

Leaves of all plants reach for the sun
Clouds of cotton act as if hung
Running in fields to be part of this sight
But knowing it is from the Father of lights
One with my body as the sweat beads
Feeling provision for every last need

Society seems to be so numb
We don’t even fathom the meaning of crumbs
It wouldn’t be bad to rely on each other
To take things in stride and hear all our brothers
Lord bring your truth, bring it in speed
There are many whose hearts until then will bleed

So there is a way for kingdom come
Lord show us how thy will be done
In your heavenly eyes show us the measure
By which you count heavenly treasure
By the name of our Jesus darkness will flee
The name of your son, our only creed

*Ashly P Ash

Do Relationships Require Rescuing?

***The below is one “crutchprint in the sand” of my personal life. I am not an expert or a therapist but am only speaking from personal experience and observation. I do not expect complete resignment to the statements below. My plan for the below is that it become a work in progress as I grow and learn! The intention of this writing is for reflection only.

Do Relationships Require Rescuing?

Everywhere we look we hear a lot of bitterness towards others, anger towards others, and blame-shifting. I feel we are coming to a time when we all need to have the proper skills in our toolbox of life to move above these things and into the call God has on our lives.

One of the things that strikes me about our society is the root of codependency. According to Melody Beattie codependency is described as: “…one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her”. The reality is that no one can control how you feel. If you feel a certain way and that feeling lingers then you need to take a step back and look at why this feeling or anger is lingering. Based on experience and research I hope to provide a visual for working through some practical situations where we allow others to affect us in a negative way.

Typically when we discuss codependent behavior it is in the context of abuse, alcoholism, addiction, and the support thereof. But when reading the book by Melody Beattie titled “Codependent No More” I learned that codependency is very deeply engraved not just in our society but in our every day lives. It is the very art of not being responsible for your own feelings and actions but rather assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and actions. Darlene Lancer (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) explains on PsychCentral that the majority of people who come from dysfunctional families are codependent in one degree or another. Because we live in a fallen world no matter how great our families were there is some level of dysfunction in all families.

As a result many people I speak with are wrapped up in the vicious cycle of codependency. By being the victim and seeking a rescuer; or being a rescuer for others and then being angry after giving too much with no return.

What does this cycle look like? There is a name for it: Karpman’s Drama Triangle. It has been taught in psychology circles for many years.

It looks like this: Draw a triangle on a piece of paper. The Bottom will be labeled “Victim: I’m Blameless”. The Top Right will be labeled: “Rescuer: I’m Good, Accepted, Capable”. The Top Left will be labeled: “Persecutor: I’m Right!”

Karpman Drama Triangle

It doesn’t take three people to move in this drama triangle. It can happen with two people where each person moves into the different roles as the drama unfolds.

Let’s use a basic example:

A friend calls and is stressed out. She needs a babysitter because she really needs to get her nails/hair done and just can’t ask her husband to watch the kids one more time because he will make her “pay” for it later via his attitude. (Victim seeking a Rescue from Persecutor)

Not wanting to hurt her feelings or upset her I offer (without being asked) to step in and babysit but because it does not fit in with my schedule I rearrange my entire day to fit around her poor planning. (I am the Rescuer)

As the day continues I even offer to drive her children home for her to help in “rescuing” her from her own drama. But by the time I take the children to her home I feel like I have given above and beyond and am feeling exhausted and irritated that everything in my schedule has been shuffled around. (At this point I feel like the “victim” in the situation because “I have done ALL of this for a friend and she can’t even come pick up her children”.) (I become the Victim)

So now, being angry I move into “persecutor” mode and have a bit of an attitude with my friend. I attempt to let her know subliminally that her incompetence has caused me grief. (I am the Persecutor)

She immediately picks up on this attitude and becomes a bit miffed at me in return. (She moves from Victim to Persecutor)

Now I am the “victim” again and leave wondering why she didn’t recognize all I had sacrificed in helping her. Within a few days of being in the Victim role I will be worried and anxious that my friend may think poorly of me so I will call her up with another unwanted offer to get together for consolation. (Inviting my friend to join the triangle as a Rescuer)

And now the triangle will start again with a new situation.

In the above situation there are many things that one may pick up on that should have and could have changed about this codependent behavior. It all began with the invitation (phone call) to join the triangle. I could have chosen to explain that I am sorry my day is already planned and I cannot meet her needs. I could have simply asked, “What is it that you need from me?” and allowed my friend to ask me for a favor while I decide if it is something I have the capacity to fulfill. Both of these responses would have been healthy and at the same time I would have declined the invitation to join the drama triangle.

It seems that so much of what we do for others whether it is our family, our spouses, our children, our coworkers, etc. is operating out of this triangle. Psychology Today states: “The reason the triangle is so strong and works is because the roles are complementary. Each sees in the other what he is unable to see in himself.”

How does codependency start? What causes us to behave in a way that we feel responsible for other people? It begins with lack of intimacy. One source stated that intimacy is defined as “in to me see”. Getting to know yourself and establishing your own personal identity at an early age is key to not developing codependency. Learning you are not an “extension” of your family but an individual with ideas and personality and character. Traumatic events can cause lack of intimacy because a child/person is forced to conform to how the traumatic incident defines them or controls them. Assuming responsibility for your own actions and not being controlled by problems or the reactions of others is something a healthy child will develop at an early age.

Getting to know yourself and allowing God to penetrate your heart with love and acceptance for who you are can break the power of codependency.

We assume the responsibility for so many others around us. We attend events for fear of hurting feelings. We say yes when we mean no. We feel angry and frustrated and burnt out. We don’t understand why others cannot see our own needs as we meet theirs so well. All of this is assuming presumptuously that the “other party” cannot handle their own feelings and somehow we are responsible for how other people feel and react. Then we become angry that we think they are incompetent!

The reality is, we are responsible for us. There are things that we can control in our life and those things include our decisions, emotions, and well-being. These things are our circle of jurisdiction. There are then things that only God can control like the weather and provisions. Lastly there is the jurisdiction of “other people” and only they can control how they react, live life, handle emotions. Only they can “man or woman up” and make the choice to be responsible for their own choices. We are not responsible for others. We are responsible for ourselves.

A therapist once told me, “People treat us like we allow them to treat us”. As we all become more aware of our role and responsibilities in life we can break the pattern of entering these triangles. We can refuse the subtle invitations to rescue people from things that they must learn to rescue themselves from.

We had a chick a few years ago that couldn’t seem to burst through its shell before hatching. I simply could not stand to see it suffer after about 12 hours. I had to rescue the chick and give it just a little help by pulling a little bit of the shell back for it. After I did this I became afraid that the chick was incompetent and it would hurt itself on the sharp shell so I went back to the incubator and pulled a little more of the shell off for the chick. Wouldn’t you know, the chick was much weaker than the other chicks that hatched by pushing their own way out of the shell and within a few days the chick that I was so sure couldn’t survive without my help died. It died because I rescued it when God designed the struggle of a chick breaking out of its shell to strengthen it for the future.

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance…” Romans 5:3

Consider and pray for one another. Bless one another with kindness and a helping hand as the Lord intends for us to do! But remember, Jesus didn’t heal everyone. He used wisdom and did not give beyond his jurisdiction to give. To rescue others from something they are meant to go through is stepping out of our bounds. Only God can rescue and when He does it will be through whom He chooses and through His love. “Rise up and help us; rescue us because of your unfailing love. Psalm 44:26”

Let’s let go of the drama.

*Ashly P Ash

Explosive Alert!

One of the things I hope to do on this site is smile about some of the things that have happened to me and are unique to my situation as an amputee.

My husband and I were in the Philadelphia airport en-route to Seattle. Now anyone familiar with prosthetics would be well aware that airport security is one of the most difficult parts of traveling! On an easy day you get a wand, a pat-down personal enough to make your father blush (his words not mine!) and will be sent on your way with an apologetic smile. On this particular day, however, I was asked to enter the 3D scanner with my prosthesis. I bravely entered with both hands above my head and a queasy-but-knowing smile. My crutches were taken from me and scanned as well.

After coming through I was then “wanded”. (I just want to stop and say here that if security personnel are given wands they should at least add a little “bippity boppity boo” song during the process for victimized patrons as myself! A little bit of something to make me feel a less in touch with reality would be great.) Anyway, they asked me to lift my shirt a tad so that they could swab my prosthesis for explosives. I chuckled and obliged without hesitation.

The next thing I knew there was an “EXPLOSIVE ALERT” on the screen in front of me and I was being rushed off in quarantine to a small private room. I jokingly told the security officer, “No worries, I wasn’t playing with fireworks”. But she didn’t think that was funny. I could tell by her curt, “Ma’am, I would advise you say as little as possible right now” accompanied by a brief pat on the shoulder that summed up her expression of “good luck”.

After further discussion including an argument over whether it was really necessary to make me pull my pants down any further or to take my leg from me to scan it or take it apart they decided to let me go. Their justification for this was, “Those pants can’t get much tighter, I don’t think there is anything hiding here.” (Yes, I should have been horrified as I stood silently wanting to remind them that I could still hear them but honestly I couldn’t have been happier at that moment to be free! Regardless of criticism, insult, or bruised ego I was about to be free!)

One final swab of my clothes, crutches, and shoes and I was returned intact to my family. In the midst of this I realized WHY I tested positive for explosives. A few weeks prior to our trip I had purchased a .22 Rifle for my husband as a birthday gift. We had been shooting targets in the woods behind our house and when I came in to remove my prosthesis I must have had residue from the bullets on my fingers! As I bounced lightly the rest of the way to gate A2 I realized somehow I forgot to remove the pocket knife from my purse. But oh well, at least they found the explosives!

*Ashly P Ash

Woman of the Mundane

Ashly P Ash

This is a humorous poem about waiting for things…

Woman of the Mundane

As I perform the tasks of each day

I seriously wonder if I’m headed the right way

Is there a purpose in all things mundane

Or am I driving myself insane

I wonder what outcome the average day will have

During my evening prayers and applying salve

To shine, to preach, to share God’s Grace

When I don’t even have a child in this place

Wondering as I wonder down grocery store aisles

Or even when sorting through dirty laundry piles

I long to reach out and touch the masses

Right after next week cleaning passes

Preparation for greatness is what I am told

But I hope it comes before I’m too old

I try to be like the woman in Proverbs 31

But surely she had to long for some fun

I’m ready to conquer and ready to bless

Soon, I know it will start right after this test

Resting and believing in every day scrubbing

Why this is the most basic act of loving

*Ashly P Ash