Crutchprints in the Sand

Operating from a Healthy Standpoint – Providing Feedback

We all have encountered a person or situation where we find ourselves being “dumped” with scenarios that we can see so clearly as an outsider. In these situations it is so tempting to tell that person just what “we think” and give advice. Even though in our mind we rationalize that if someone is sharing their problem or stories with us they must want our input; the reality is that is not always the case. We really must begin to sort out truth in these situations. While our intentions may be to help the people around us, a lot of times they do not want our help.

So let’s look at a healthy process for determining if we are at a place to encourage, whether the person wants encouragement, and whether to share in response.

To start off we should all agree on a few points. Everyone is responsible for their own life. If things are going poorly in someone’s life there is almost always a change that they can make to improve things. While every situation first and foremost requires the positive change of prayer and waiting on God; about 98% of the time there is also some sort of action or solution that can be implemented with God’s direction. It may be the smallest of changes that we don’t even think would matter like our attitude, or it may be a larger lifestyle change that needs to be conquered in bits.

I have an example of this from my own life and relational experiences. A lot of people tend to share their health problems with me and give me so many reasons why they are in poor health. No matter what solutions or suggestions I try to provide I am rejected as if I am attacking. Many times people are defensive because they are looking for reasons to justify their behavior rather than take responsibility for it. Now let’s be honest, if someone with one leg, diabetes, high blood pressure, and thyroid problems can find ways to be active and exercise and control her health than almost anyone can! I’m not saying there aren’t situations where things really can be out of a person’s control to fix. I’m also not talking about situations where it is important to vent as a processing tool. I am talking about the situations in our lives where we encounter people in our daily walk that have the power to make changes and simply refuse to take responsibility even in the smallest way.

So here I am, not wishing to hear another tirade which will only result in me being told “you just don’t understand!” I feel angry inside that the person sharing with me doesn’t seem to consider any solutions but simply wants to wallow in pity. I may feel so overwhelmed and tired from my own day and life complications that I really cannot take on any more at this point.

And we all have this happen to us from time to time. It may not be about someone’s health but it may be about an abusive situation with a boyfriend or spouse. It may be about someone’s family or friends. It may be about a financial situation or a work situation. One way or another we are presented with a scenario of codependency where we are being asked to jump in as a rescuer to sympathize with a person who sees themselves as a victim.

“Where am I in this? Am I at a place I can handle this?”

The first tool to be offered in any such situation is to get in touch with you. Ask yourself, “Where am I in this? Am I at a place where I want to and feel like I can listen without having my ‘boat rocked’”? This is something that was taught to me by Fern at Discovering MErcy. Before we can relate to or encourage others we have to be in a place where we have a full account ourselves. We must receive (from God, our families, friends, etc.) in order to give.

If the answer above is “No, this story is too ‘close to home’ or ‘rocks my internal boat’ to hear” it is appropriate to share that with the person that is complaining. It is acceptable to say something in response to the effect of, “Wow, I’m really sorry you are having a hard time right now but with all the things I am dealing with I don’t really have the capacity to take on more negativity. I really hope you come up with a solution.” Maybe you can even offer to pray with them or for them as well. This does not make us selfish people for not being able to deal with someone from a pure heart. It makes us honest. It simply takes us out of the codependent triangle.

When Jesus washed the disciples’ feet in John 13 he did not do this from an empty place. Verse 1 states:” Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.” Jesus knew his purpose and he was willing to stick to it. He had already worked through his own emotions and accepted his purpose by receiving this information from His Father in Heaven. He then got up and filled the pitcher to wash the feet of his disciples. Friends, if we are going to pour out of ourselves any sort of cleansing and blessing onto others we first must be filled! It is ok to be in a place where you are not filled and not capable to handle the dirt from others. It is ok to know that your purpose and calling is not to rescue that person! That is what Jesus is for! Jesus is enough to cleanse you and cleanse whoever is approaching you. Only move in the circles you are called.

If we cannot build relationship with the people around us and encourage them from a pure heart then we shouldn’t be in the conversation. It is that simple. There are countless conversations that I have stayed in when I have not wanted to and then walked away angry at myself, empty and dejected, and feeling like “if they have problems they should see mine!” This isn’t healthy for me or for the person I was speaking with, it is bad for relationships! So don’t let it get to this point! In all honesty, the person you are speaking with probably will be angry but the reality is you do not have responsibility for their feelings. Their anger is directed at their needs not being met, not at you. Be polite, offer to pray, and let them go to God with what they perceived as rejection.

“Does this person have the capacity to handle my advice?”

If you do feel you are at a place where you can handle being an encouragement to the person you are speaking with and not have it be taxing on you emotionally the next step would be to ask yourself, “If I share with this person, does he/she have the capacity to handle what I am to share back?” A lot of times people share things with us to reassure themselves or to rationalize their own choices. As part of the codependent triangle even more people share with us to receive pity for their victim stance or as a way to justify poor lifestyle choices. If their intent in sharing is not from a place where they genuinely want change then it simply isn’t worth the drama of trying to help. It is in this place that we decide that the timing may not be right and we will choose to love them right where they are right now without trying to fix things for them. This brings us back to being polite and ending the conversation, offering to pray, and let them go to God for their needs.

“Do they even want me to share?”

Some people share because they generally do want to find a solution and need a sounding board. Before sharing it is always appropriate to ask the person you are communicating with, “Do you want me to simply listen or are you welcoming feedback?” This puts them in a position to allow you to share with them in a nonjudgmental way about their situation. Talking about our problems, I believe, is a way to help us to process them and effectively move forward. It is important to listen and be listened to! They may or may not receive what you have to say but that is between them and God. It is important to listen to others when we are at a place where we can do that.

Summary

Being able to separate the people that we can’t encourage, the people that don’t want our encouragement, and the people that do want encouragement is a very real way to deal with life and keep the drama away!

When I was first taught this process and started to work through it I remember balking at the idea of sifting through every situation that arises! In my mind I felt that all Christians were supposed to set a standard and teach those around us the right way. We are always called to encourage, are we not?

But to simply smile and encourage on the outside when inside we are angry, at our capacity, exhausted, or even having our encouragement being misconstrued is really only dissociating from real life! We have to be in tune with ourselves, true to ourselves, and operate from a place of peace inside ourselves first and foremost!

This process and tool is one that will help you in countless relationships! If you are going to be around someone and you know what to expect it helps to spend a few minutes beforehand in prayer to align yourself with God’s will and His intentions. As you understand the process you will also begin to appreciate and develop it as second nature. I believe we are taught wrongly to “set ourselves aside” and help others no matter the cost.

I do believe that loving others requires sacrifice but we MUST determine what is God’s sacrifice verses ours? Encouraging and enabling are two different things! Let us seek healthy ways to love the people around us and impart to them LIFE and not obligation or dead works.

Skeleton Leg in the Closet

Back when I first starting dating my husband I was a single girl with my own apartment. I had just started using a prosthesis again and it was one that I had to plug the electronic knee in to charge it up each night before using. It was still the metal and no cover so it looked like a metal skeleton of a leg. When the battery was full the leg would beep and since I kept it in the closet it was out of sight and out of mind. I guess over time I got used to the beeping and didn’t pay any mind to it at all.

So when I started dating my husband one afternoon he came over to visit. (At this point we had only been dating for about a week and I was very shy in regards to my disability and any sort of disability paraphernalia if I may call it that!) After awhile he mentioned hearing a beeping noise but I shrugged him off as I was engrossed in making some sort of meal for us to enjoy.

He mentioned it again later and said, “Do you mind if I figure out what that is?” Being wrapped up in the kitchen I told him to feel free to search and let me know what he found. Immediately he started for the bedroom and suddenly I heard my closet door open! My heart stopped and I must have turned three shades whiter than usual as I realized what he had just stumbled upon and how he must feel standing there staring at a leg in the closet!

I froze for what seemed eternity and then I heard laughing from the bedroom and he came out like, “hey…it is your leg!!” It was a completely embarrassing moment but one that was so priceless that we still joke about me keeping my skeleton in the closet to this day!

Setting off a flare

This is a poem written in my time of intercession for someone dear to me.

Setting off a flare – Ashly P Ash

If only I could impart my wisdom to you

The things I’ve had to learn while blue

All of the struggles I’ve had to endure

Your safety and happiness to ensure

To tell you I love you and “do as I say”

Without you knowing me back in the day

I pray and cry out and seek His plan

The small spark within you I try to fan

Your heart is so sweet and you once were so pure

But this path I see now is harsh I assure

So when will you hear and not feel attacked?

When will you turn and not show your back?

A “Wild World” by Stevens sure sums it up

And girl let me tell you, you need more than luck

Tools for your toolbox, why have you none?

Don’t you know you can’t paint with your tongue?

Reality is revealed in every dawn

Slowly the sun rays shine on the lawn

And when dark is lifted I pray you will see

Who really has guided you in your need

I remember the circles that I traveled in

My head hangs low as I think on my sin

To allow my emotion touch the place you’re at

And how at my stories not an eyelash would bat

But here in this place of shame at the cross

I choose to lie down on this warm bed of moss

The woods and the shadows and bark of the trees

Shows me our of God of Creation calls me

Out of my shame and out of my pit

For my journey is one that only He knit

So resting in that knowledge applying to you

Believing that one day you’ll see anew

Perhaps we can walk on the path together

And reach out for others to join us forever

I want to tell you of the things to come

That right now you may think it is all in fun

But the smoke and the destruction really is none

Reality is revealed in every dawn

Slowly the sun rays shine on the lawn

And when dark is lifted I pray you will see

Who really has guided you in your need

You will wake and not know what you’ve done

So used to darkness and blinded by sun

The pain and the wounds are so very deep

And in shame you will struggle to not keep

Holding onto the counterfeit tools you have gained

Even the way of your false sense of fame

To come out is a path straight up a cliff

At every small break you will cry out so stiff

But taking this new way of sharing right now

I’ll be there that day to show you just how

To find your footing among the rubble of life

And guide you as you rid of the strife

I promise the top of the mountain you’ll reach

And once at the top you can lay on the beach

Looking down realizing that Jesus was there

Lifted you up while you casted your cares

The relaxing tide will come in and go

But you will not drown this time you’ll know

“No wasted pain” is my new prayer

But still I’m here setting off a flare

Reality is revealed in every dawn

Slowly the sun rays shine on the lawn

And when dark is lifted I pray you will see

Who really has guided you in your need

Journey of Encountering

Daughter of John C. Duncan, III and Sandy L. Duncan, I was raised on the truth and treasures imparted by Little Britain Presbyterian Church (about half a mile from my home as a child). When I was 4 years old I fell on the preschool playground and hit my knee. After two weeks of pain and complaining, bruising and swelling, my Mom took me to the hospital and I was diagnosed with osteosarcoma cancer in my right leg. Just a week before I had been running and jumping, now I was facing cancer treatments and amputation. My parents stood up during a time that so many others would have crumpled, and fought for me to stay alive.

Pre-amputation at Sloan Kettering Memorial Hospital
Some of the articles on Fundraisers during my hospital stay.
Wrong person on the throne!
Trying to cheer up those around me
Prior to amputation

The next year was a whirlwind. My parents insisted that I receive treatment at the renowned Sloan Kettering Memorial Hospital in New York City. There my right leg was amputated and I remained there most of the following year undergoing treatment. My father maintained his job to cover expenses at home and my one year old little sister stayed with my grandparents through the crisis. Each weekend my father would take the four and a half hour trek to New York City to relieve my mom and give her a chance to be with my baby sister while he stayed at the hospital with me. They would again change places on Sunday for yet another long and lonely week of sickness and fear to begin.

Even in the white-walled hospital God was with me. Our community poured love upon me and my family. There wasn’t a week that went by that I didn’t have boxes of cards delivered, fundraisers planned to help with the bills, thoughts and prayers. Children donated their toys so that I would have projects to fill the boring days spent contained in a hospital bed.

The amputation surgeon, Dr. Healy, was supposed to remove my leg right above the knee. During the procedure he had what he described as a very strong feeling which guided him to take even more of the leg than he wanted. I believe that it was God’s own healing hand guiding Dr. Healy. I ended up being one of very few children without cancer returning into my remaining stump. If I had those extra six inches of stump, my ability to wear a prosthetic would be much simpler and I would doubtless live a life without crutches. But what is done, is done, and I can only trust the master planner.

People often assume that I do not remember this time of my life, being only four. I’m sure that my memories are distorted, but I most certainly remember the pain after the amputation being so intense! After one week the hospital took me off of morphine. I was itching terribly and causing bleeding and scarring to take place because of it. The standard morphine treatment after amputation at the time was one month before weaning off of it. I didn’t have that advantage.

At one point, as I laid there in extreme pain I closed my eyes and I remember looking up and seeing a door at the top of a flight of stairs. Everything was black except for vibrant light shining out from around this door. At four years old I felt and knew in my heart that I could go through that door and everything would be fine. I knew that I was being given a choice to leave the world (pain, suffering, hardship) behind to enter a place that held none of those things in my future. As I looked at the door and started towards it I thought about my mom and my dad and how they told me to fight. I didn’t want to leave them, I didn’t want to chicken out. I chose to fight. When I opened my eyes again there I was again, in my hospital bed and dealing with the pain.

At four years old, a child is developing many of their perceptions about life and gaining a foundation in family and social networks. Children are sponges during this time of life. Unfortunately for me, the foundation of life that I was soaking up was: Life is a battle. I must always fight.

I had to fight for my life. Many of my friends around me in the hospital died. I had to learn to fight through physical pain. Due to the chemotherapy and medicine of the 80s I had sores in every orifice on my body; from my ears and mouth to my nose and urinary tract. I had to fight to eat and swallow, fight to blow my nose, fight to urinate in pain. I remember the doctor coming into the room one day and explaining that as high up as I was amputated I would never walk. I also remember fighting his words, “Well he doesn’t know me very well,” I thought. This spirit to fight was being ingrained into my being, and it kept me alive.

When our insurance maxed out and the hospital would prepare to throw us out on the street, my mother fought. The added expenses continued to pile up: 2 trips to New York City (4.5 hrs away) each week, medical bills topping one million dollars, and more. Seeing the pain of separation between my mom and one year old sister even further ingrained in my small and developing mind the fact that life was a battle. What else did I know or have to reference to at only four years of age? The problem with my mentality came when the crisis was over. No longer was everything in life a matter of urgent survival, yet I was always fighting.

By the time I turned 21, I was employed full-time and had just received the keys to my first apartment. I was so proud of my accomplishments and so excited to become a woman of God. As time went on though, I realized my battles were following me and were not so easily put off I’d naively thought. I was so lonely and so alone in my new place. In addition, there were two situations that also drove me away from God. Being hurt by the church and seeing others hurt by the church. In my heart I knew a loving God wouldn’t treat others that way and it made me angry and question a lot of what I believed and had been taught. Turning from intimacy with God sent me looking in the wrong places for friends. Before long I was hanging out with people and living a lifestyle that involved a lot of drinking, drugs, and late nights.

One particular night during this time I remember crying out to God as a last resort about my loneliness. As usual, God was right there no matter how far I kept from him. There was a guy I worked with and he wanted to start dating me. I knew in my heart he was not right for me but I was so lonely that I didn’t even care. I cried out to God with all my heart that night and the Lord put in my heart that if I waited, just stayed faithful and held on, I would meet the man I was to marry within a year. If not, it would set me back two years on my journey. I grieved and cried and then made the wrong decision. Later my journals confirmed that the right guy for me, my husband Rick, moved into the same apartment complex almost exactly one year from the day I prayed. I even met him! Yet because I had strayed from my path I didn’t date Rick until two years and twenty days from the day I prayed. God was faithful to his word.

For me, the moment I realized I needed God and could not live without him was alongside of the road. Pulled over by the state police with both alcohol and drugs in my system, I was a mess. Even as I stood there, the obvious bad guy, I blamed the policeman! Then suddenly it dawned on me in the most surreal way that maybe I was the problem. Maybe I needed help. Maybe I had been fooling myself all along. If I really did have things under control would I be in this situation? It hit me that I was still fighting – against myself.

Two months later I went for help. Yes, two whole months. Sometimes it takes time to come to terms with the fact that we have come to the end of ourselves. One of the biggest things that I remember about when I started working with the counseling ministry was that I was told I didn’t have to change. I almost didn’t go back! What kind of quack would tell me I didn’t need to change, when I was there because I needed to change? The counselor said we would work on life skills and she would provide tools to help me regulate and make better choices. She explained that because I was self-medicating and not displaying solely addictive behaviors that I would slowly learn to reach for the new tools instead of the drugs, alcohol, etc.

The process didn’t begin easily and it wasn’t a “cold turkey” recovery. But slowly and surely I realized she was right! I began to look at life not as if it was a battle, but as a journey. In my mind I felt like I had lived my whole life up to that point sitting at a table with a board game of battleship in front of me, Me vs. Everything. One of my favorite lines in my journal from this time says, “lifestyle changes can be conquered in bits”. And if I’m honest, I still get caught up in this Me vs. Everything battle from time to time. This is part of growth and change, I believe. God’s best work in me was not sudden and total healing as it is so often preached, but a mindful awareness of myself, my surroundings, and my choices.

There is a plethora of mercy in my life. Married now for over ten years, I have matured and grown in ways I never thought possible. Relationships have healed and mended since being removed from battlegrounds, and I even embrace my disability and body to pursue wellness. God is a living God and while we are called to look back and rejoice over what he has done, we must choose to live in a present-future relationship with him. As I look forward to the next chapter of life, I think back on that decision I made in the hospital as a little girl, a decision to fight, and am so thankful that I chose to live.

Warriors Running to Victory – David and Goliath

Warriors Running to Victory – David and Goliath

by Ashly. P. Ash

Excerpt from Graham Cooke: Qualities of a Warrior (Interactive Journal) p91

“Spiritual warriors give courage to people. They are refreshing to be around. They have that sense of being indomitable, impossible to subdue. Soldiers line up behind warriors because they know there is an excellent chance of victory. Warriors make things happen. Good people add something to us by who they are and how they live. Other people are negative and take things away; still others have a contrary spirit and become divisive. Warriors multiply. They give more than is required. Measure has no meaning for them. Abundance is their language and way of life. When you meet real warriors they overwhelm you with possibilities and refresh you with their certainties.

They are unafraid and it shows. They attract faith and power. It’s in their mindset, their attitude, their bearing. They wear it like armor. They contribute these things to the atmosphere around them. They create a better environment because they are massively in league with the Creator. They help to shape the way we position ourselves to fight in the situation we are facing. Such warriors hear the Lord laughing at the enemy. It echoes in their own hearts. They feed off the sound of victory.”

Background: In 1 Sam 16 David was anointed by Samuel to be king of Israel. David was the least likely candidate, a young shepherd that when Samuel told David’s father to bring and present his sons so the Lord could reveal who would be the next King his own father forgot to call for him. Yet when presented, Samuel anointed David and we open chapter 17 bearing in mind that David had received a promise. He had received from the Lord a future, a hope, a purpose, but most of all a promise.

Read 1 Sam 17: 1-16

Whenever we receive a promise, there is always going to be a trial! We must have a servant heart which prepares us for greatness in the Lord Jesus!

Can you think of a time when you felt you received a promise or a hope in regards to something and immediately faced a trial afterward? How did you respond? Did you realize right away it was a “test” or did it take time for that to become known?

Notice the scripture tells us that for 40 days Goliath challenged the army of Israel. When we are confronted by something and we do not respond the way God wants us to immediately the problem can become much bigger than it really is in our minds! It seems that fear has taken hold of many of the men here.

Has there been a time when you felt lead to do or say something and the longer you thought about it, the more time that passed, you couldn’t find the “get up and go” for it? Did you ever go back and do what you were lead to do? How did that feel when you realized that the thing you were dreading went just fine?

David received his promise, now we enter the situation

Read 1 Sam 17: 17-31

David was being prepared with a servant heart for greatness! But most of the chapter isn’t the actual battle which David fought with Goliath…most of the chapter here is about the preparation of the battle!

David had to defeat his circumstances. What were some of the circumstances David had “stacked against his odds?”

David had to defeat several accusations and discouragement.

Do you think it is possible David’s brother Eliab was jealous because of the anointing to be King David had just received?

Several of the soldiers told David all that King Saul had promised to the man that would take on and kill Goliath, if it was such a good deal why didn’t they step up to the plate?

How did Saul discourage David from being the one to kill Goliath?

What was David’s response to all of these?

When we are faced with accusations and/or discouragement we need to follow David’s example and remember the good that our God has done for us!

How do you celebrate what God has done in your life?

David had to receive Anointing and Authority for what God wanted him to do.

When God anoints us for something that anointing is contagious! Saul had no reason to allow a risk such as a young shepherd boy with no experience to fight and represent the entire army of Israel! Yet when confronted by David, hearing David’s testimony of how God had delivered him before, he allowed him to go!

Reminds us of Esther 4:44 when Mordacai told Esther: “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this??

What are your thoughts about this?

David received authority from the necessary earthly vessel as well to confront the giant. Submitting to our Pastor’s, parents, spouse’s can be an important piece to confronting a Giant in our own life successfully!

What are your thoughts?

David had to prepare for battle!

Is there a hidden treasure that lays in the verse that explains that David was not comfortable in his own armor? What lessons can we glean from this in regards to our own life?

God can use what appears to be weak to conquer what appears to be strong! (1 Cor 1:25)

David took 5 stones and needed one, perhaps he knew Goliath had brothers? Either way if he truly believed God’s promise for him to become king he had to have the faith necessary to know that God would not be defeated through Goliath that day!

Was there ever a time when you were challenged by something, someone, a struggle you were coming against, or any other type of Giant and held steadfast to the promise that God had given you?

Time for BATTLE! 1 Sam 17:32-54

What are some of the qualities you notice about Goliath as he approaches the fight?

Goliath was insulted by the fact that David was young, inexperienced, and unarmed in the conventional way. Are there times when we too are looking at things on the surface and not to the “Lion standing behind the mouse”?

David recognized that Goliath wasn’t insulting the army of Israel but rather God himself. This is when David responds and quotes Dt 28:25-26. Then David RAN to the battle Line! He responded immediately! Describe how you felt and/or the situation of a time when God lead you to do something and you responded immediately…

Look at Life:

We know whenever we are going through a struggle that God is doing something on the other side. The question is: What are you doing God, now, in this struggle that you couldn’t do or teach me at any other time? What promise lays here for me?

Do I have a servant heart? How has God been preparing me for greatness lately?

When accusations/discouragement comes at me how do I respond? Do I respond as David did in recounting the good God has done in my life?

How does the armor spoken and taught to us in the New Testament help us face giants today?

A Smile Instead of a Stare

By Ashly P. Ash

Punta Cana, DR after a relaxing day in the pool with my husband

Showing up with one leg missing and using crutches stands out when in public and in any gathering of people. I would say that I “stick out like a sore thumb” but the reality is people do not even really see a sore thumb!

Over and over I am forced to deal with the stares that being different generates. Some stares are simply out of curiosity and when a person catches him/herself staring they meet my eyes and quickly look away or down. Other times I am stared at in a very degrading manner and with open-mouthed gaping I continue to be watched long after I try to make eye contact. It is something that I can honestly say does not ever really become normal, and I do not ever get used to this. To this day, twenty four years after losing my leg, I still have to stop and ask myself why I am being stared at. I don’t feel any different than anyone else so I have a hard time figuring out those first moments why I am being stared at.

My family, friends, and even husband get very defensive and angry for me. They see me as the human being that I am and they understand that being stared at is very degrading, rude, and belittling for someone who has already been forced to endure so much in life. A lot of times I felt it was disrespectful that someone who had fought so hard to live life and enjoy life should be treated without consideration. Dealing with this has been something that I have grieved in a healthy way for many years and still strikes me on bad days at a different point in the grieving process. (For more about grieving being a chronic and continual process see my other post: https://crutchprints.com/2013/10/21/where-there-is-a-will-there-is-a-way-a-story-behind-the-story/)

To deal with staring I have tried many stances over the years. As you will see all of these required an act of repentance on my part! I had tried staring back in a mean way. I tried to lower my head so the person would see my eyes and bring their eyes up to my face. A few times I was angry enough to point out that the person is being rude loudly. I had pointed back, and honestly even asked a few people why they were staring at me when they were the ugly ones! My friends in the past stared back for me, asked people what they were looking at, even threatened to become violent. I used to say “Boooo!” to a few, ignored handfuls, but still none of these seemed appropriate or seemed to reflect who I am on the inside or in Jesus.

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.?” Luke 6:42

As all life-changing journeys, this one began on the inside. I had to deal with the lies that I had believed in regards to my situation. The lie that I was somehow “less than” others or that their stares meant there was something wrong with ME. Another lie I found myself believing was that I was unattractive or deficient because of my missing limb. Yet another stated I would never relate to “normal” people or be who God created me to be because no one could see the real me as a person. Learning who I was through Christ was a big part of this process and even continues on inside of me today. But recognizing these lies of shameful thinking allowed me to resolve my anger and bitterness so that I could leave these at the foot of the Cross in forgiveness and move on.

By the time I met my husband I had found the best way to deal with people who stare was to smile and say “Hello!” This sounds so simple and even counterproductive! On the outside it seems that the people staring at me shouldn’t deserve my smile. They certainly don’t seem to deserve my friendliness based on the way they are making me feel like mere cattle, like an object, and even dirty! Yet, in my experience I have found that when I encounter someone who is blatantly staring at me and in shock they have not even processed that I am a human being standing/walking before them. So in the simple gesture of tilting my head they see movement in their line of vision and their eyes are drawn to my face where I can smile at them. When I smile, something in their thinking process registers or “clicks” visibly on their faces and they no longer see a freak but a person that has had some sort of obvious struggle. It is at this point that I get a return smile almost every time.

We have all heard it said that a smile is a friend in any language. And many times I feel my very being is a different language from the people around me. But a smile gives us all common ground and a way to connect with one another. It contains a sense of reassurance and possibly even healing! I like to believe that by looking into my eyes and seeing my smile whatever shock a person is dealing with when wondering “Oh my, look at THAT…what would I do?!” that they receive reassurance that anything is possible with God.

“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” Matthew 19:26

We are all sinners undeserving yet receiving the mercy and the grace of God. Cancer created such a battle to fight for a four year old little girl to have to face. An ongoing battle at that and one that many times I respond to in sin! I do not deserve, yet Jesus smiles at me! When I am walking along and staring at messes in life and focused on all the wrong things I know He tilts His head and meets my eyes so that I look to HIM and receive the healing in His smile.

“Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. ⁴But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” (Ephesians 2:3-5)

My husband and I have had many discussions about this and what appropriate responses would be in these situations and we always come back to the truth. The truth is love. It is that simple. I am called to be a blessing by smiling at others and showing them that where impossibility lies, love prevails. It is through my smile that I intend to infect as many people as humanly possible…because it is the smile in an undeserved situation that demonstrates the true love of Jesus. It is the smile of Jesus that changed me.

You know you are an amputee when…Part II

by Ashly P. Ash

Amputee Humor...My famous halloween costume of the "Leg Lamp" from Christmas Story — Amputee Humor…My famous halloween costume of the “Leg Lamp” from Christmas Story

…You are not all right and you are more than half left

…The signature party costume you wear is the Leg Lamp from Christmas Story

…You feel you already have a leg up on new projects

…There has been some sort of pranking in regards to taking your leg off and beating someone or something with it

…Everyone agrees you always put your best foot forward

…You tend to take things one step at a time

…You find it funny to kick the crutches out from any of the temporary users

…People say “keep your feet on the ground” you know it doesn’t really apply to you anyway

…You find yourself when reading “Footprints in the sand” screaming in your mind FOOTPRINT, IT IS FOOTPRINT!

…You can properly demonstrate the meaning of costing an “arm and or a leg”

Mystery of His Love

This poem was written as I sat in the house of Fern and Audrey at Discovering MErcy. My emotions were free, I felt I could be me. And I wondered in the silence and depth of the place about God and how dreams originated from Him.

Mystery of His Love – Ashly P Ash

The way the world fits together

Fall into place, things would never

A design and artist in His chair

Dreaming up the world from his lair

Pencil and pad as he sketched the sky

Pictures on walls of you and I

He loved me then; He loves me now

The mystery to me is how

Was creation simply a rough draft

And our purpose to shape and craft

What were You thinking as You dreamed?

When you thought of me, did You beam?

Did you cry knowing the pain I’d cause

Realizing the sacrifice needed in pause

He loved me then; He loves me now

The mystery to me is how

The river rushing from your throne

To reach all men and bring them home

Was this in your master plan?

Or were your force to arrange your hand

How do you see me in your sketches?

Am I free of all life’s messes?

He loved me then; He loves me now

The mystery to me is how

The only place I’ve felt so safe

Was so fully quiet and empty space

Where the sky was pushed back overhead

And I thought of excuses to stay there instead

Communion came free; I knew you knew me

For once creativity flowed forth to see

He loved me then; He loves me now

The mystery to me is how

A minute is a day and a day is a minute

Any time spent with you is infinite

The clarity and voice that speaks here

Helps me see myself quite clear

When you dreamed up what I see in the world

I imagine in your smile your lips slightly curled

He loved me then; He loves me now

The mystery to me is how

A Song to the Father of Light

by Ashly P Ash

Every color originates in you

And this is why you’re represented in blue

The purity from times of old

Shine forth in the color of gold

Royalty, robes, crowns on High

Purple is the color nigh

But your eyes, what color are they?

What color does your glory weigh?

Everything we touch and all that we see

Cries out from its place with so much need

For us to hear the cries of our land

For us in blessing to stretch out our hand

All is ours, we are stewards of much

But really how do we care for such?

But your eyes, what color are they?

What color does your glory weigh?

The sun shines bright and fills the land

Yellow reminds of your Son’s hands

The autumn reds and berries we pick

To remind us that your sacrifice was thick

The fields of corn and soy and hay

Green shades of blessings to fill our bays

But your eyes, what color are they?

What color does your glory weigh?

Snow which falls without asking

In white redemption we lay basking

Remove from the land every bad root

While we kick the orange dust with our boots

Enveloped in night, engulfed in its chill

Of our plight in black sin we’ve had our fill

But your eyes, what color are they?

What color does your glory weigh?

We worship you here in this place

The glory of your presence; we seek your face

Shine on us oh Father of Lights

Guide us with your fire by night

We seek to be your place for resting

Forever we choose to stay here nesting

But your eyes, what color are they?

What color does your glory weigh?

Stages of Grief in Inner Healing

Grieving is a critical part of inner healing. Whenever we have a loss of any kind we must take time to grieve through that loss rather than circumvent it. Most therapists agree on grief being a five step process.

I recommend recognizing this process not only in death but in life changes, healing from codependency, and moving forward from traumatic experiences. Please understand I am not a therapist or counselor of any kind. As in my other “relational” articles I am merely providing information and tools collected during my life and sharing them with others.

A lot of times we think there should be a time frame on grief but the truth is grieving is a continual process. In the extreme case of something traumatic like amputation in my life it is healthy to recognize that grieving will be a lifelong process. Every time I may attempt to do something that creates a feeling of loss inside of me because of difficulty, hardship, or any other hangup due to amputation I may have to head down this path of grieving. It may take an hour, a day, a week, or years but every small thing in life is important to grieve.

Grieving also is not the same thing as mourning. Grieving is not a black veil that affects every portion of our life and being. It is simply stopping for a moment and recognizing a feeling of loss inside of us and allowing that feeling to run its course in the capacity that we are able.

We will go through these emotions (not in any particular order):

Denial – Trying to go on with life as is the loss did not occur. This can come in many forms such as keeping busy, ignoring, refusing to talk about it, living in the past, etc.

Bargaining – Trying to figure out a way to control the situation or loss, finding a way to bring back what was loss, make excuses for the people who mistreated us causing a loss of need in us, etc.

Anger – Feeling anger for the loss, feeling anger because of being mistreated or abandoned, feeling angry because of loss of control in the situation or at God.

Depression – The fullness of the loss has caught up and feelings of sadness, loneliness, fatigue, and hopelessness can catch up. Feeling the reality of having no control and not having our needs met. Realizing what the needs are inside of us and that people cannot typically meet them.

Acceptance – We move on into this phase to make peace with our loss. This can come slowly but we begin to move forward with life. For Christians we begin to plug our needs into God and allow Him to be in control of our needs accepting that others will never be able to completely meet our expectations