Awkward Amputee Problems (Part 2)

This is Part 2 (click here for Part 1) in a series of 3 describing Awkward Amputee Problems.  The first two articles are geared more for those on crutches while Part 3 is customized for prosthetic -wearing amputees. We want to keep the fun going around so I hope that as you read this you will relate to some of these things or will comment your own additions below!

Awkward Amputee Problems Part 2…By Ashly P. Ash

…Underwear and Socks from the washer making inopportune appearances from empty pant legs

You know how sometimes when you go to put fitted sheets on the bed and you find those socks (or even shirts!) that have somehow gotten balled up in the little corner pockets of the no lama dramasheet? The same thing happens when you have empty pant legs.  Since I do not put any leg through the right pant leg I often do not know something got stuck in there until it peeps out through the bottom! I’ll never forget the time a pair of underwear got balled up into a right pant leg (unbeknownst to me) and after using the restroom at a friend’s house, her husband notified his wife privately that there was underwear laying on the bathroom floor! (Presumably it fell out!)  I have also found socks and undergarments falling out of pant legs at my career places, in the supermarket, and (thankfully) at home! The struggle is real, folks!

…Pantyhose

If you are laughing now then you must be an amputee on crutches too!  Pantyhose are incredibly difficult to wear because they fit on like pants and have an empty pant leg as well.  Instead of the nice and crisp fold of a pant leg, however, pantyhose dangle like a shriveled up skin tag (or worse) from the bottom of your skirts.  If you cut the spare leg off – well – I don’t need to lecture anyone about the famous “pantyhose runs” that stem from there! Thigh Highs are a heaven-sent miracle (and you get twice the use out of one pair).

…Halloween costumes

I know I have discussed before about how hard it is for amputees to not be recognized in halloweenpublic (there is no mistaking you for your two-legged sister, after all).  But this also extends to times when I need to wear a costume. I mean, Ben Franklin did NOT have one leg, neither do princesses (and just how does a one-legged witch ride a broom anyway?). Pretty much any costume just seems a bit out of place on me and if everyone else claims they don’t think of it, well, I just give them the benefit of the doubt and ignore them.  The situation does, however, force me to be quite creative. Half-eaten Surfer, Flower (leg as stem), Flamingo, my famous leg lamp from Christmas Story, Roadkill, etc., are a few of the dark places this condition has forced me to go.

…Cafeteria-style food, buffets, parties

So obviously on crutches I cannot carry my own food, drink, trays, etc.  This seems obvious until you are the one that can’t do the carrying! You would be amazed the number of places I will go that everyone has a plate but me and no one thinks to ask if I want something until I speak up!  Sometimes, my “buffet helper” (one who carries my plate for me) interjects his/her own judgments against me as we go down the line, “You don’t need THAT much”,  “That looks fattening skip that”,  “Are you going to eat that AGAIN?” “Those are nasty how can you even consider that, move on!” or even worse they won’t let me put my own food on my own plate and control my portions purposely!  This is all well and good until I follow THEM down the line with their plate providing the same snide commentary!  When the shoe is on the other foot, and that.  (I prefer my father to be my assist he is the absolute best buffet friend one could wish for and I should probably dub him my “fatty fat friend” for that reason!)  The other thing is refills.  It feels so awful to bug someone to refill your drink in public. I often go thirsty for hours because it is often made clear what a bother it is to serve me more than one time. (I now carry a water bottle with me in my bag!)  And lastly if I am alone I have to be very careful where I stop to eat out. There have been more than one awkward moments where I have been unable to carry my own food and forced to wait until an employee could begrudgingly carry it for me.  Something so simple seems to bother so many people!  I am happy to limit my outings to mostly family where it is like the Cheers bar – everyone knows.

…Slippery floors

Speaking of public places, most buffets have enough grease on the floors to fry a chicken! A little rain tracked through a store can be a huge hazard.  And the showers at the Y? Well, needless to say I have found falling without being witnessed or heard is an art form I am mastering!

…How you will be buried

In their early thirties most people consider “problems” to be their children’s education, home improvement, family-friendly vehicle purchases. I worry about where and how I will be buried.  My tiny right leg (I was four when it was amputated) is buried in a graveyard.

Fire 216
I met a friend, a goat that is also missing something!

Do I want to be buried there? What if I don’t? What if I want to be cremated and the leg is not? Do I have someone dig up the leg and bury it with me (who in their right mind would want that job and is it wrong for me to inflict that on someone)?  Is the leg a skeleton by now? Do I still have the grave plot paperwork and deed filed properly for when I do die?  If I am buried in another county or state does that mean I have one foot in each county? Yes, having one foot in the grave I’ll gladly exchange that for some average problems!

…Keeping lots of bags handy

My mom calls me the bag lady.  Now in all fairness that started before I turned four and had my leg amputated, however there is much truth in the name. Bags are critical for the amputee on crutches. I need them in stores, to carry my mail in, to move food or books or magazines from one place to another, to carry my drinks, cleaning supplies, laundry, you name it!  I have backpacks and bags stored and stuffed in every crevice possible in my house and car – and a few fold up ones in my purses! Oh, and I am still waiting for the perfect pizza-box bag so I can carry a pizza! (See Part 1)

….Not being separated from crutches

And I’m not just talking about curious children taking them and disappearing with them (though that happens often).  I mean adults that feel they are “in the way” so they move them to a corner or a wall on the other side of the room! Waitresses sometimes take them and don’t bring them back.  I’ve been stuck on amusement park rides because the employees or people I am with forget to bring me my assists. I also worry about not having them on the lawn mower with me, since becoming stranded more than once when the mower broke down in the front yard and my crutches were out back in the shed. (Hence the bungee straps and sticks you see strapped to the mower when you drive by!) Then there is the beach where the tide has swept one away from time to time. If you want a good laugh just come along to watch the panic and frantic look come over my husband or father’s face as they dive “all in” to catch a crutch!  They would put many a fishermen to shame!

…Devotees, the creepy ones, and Fakers

Like anything else there is a sexual fetish for people that are amputees.  This was difficult as a young girl traveling to conferences for amputees and having to be on guard in pools, elevators, etc from the creepy men that wanted to feel your stump.  I also accidentally went on a few dates with someone insisting he was not a devotee but just as equally insistent he wanted to touch my stump. (Awkward!) The monetary offers to video my stump, pornographic and prostitution offers, and online anger my husband has had to deal with because of disrespectful people is a whole new level of creepiness. There are also people that want to become amputees so bad that they pose as them and go far enough to self-mutilate in ways that can inflict amputation.  They sometimes stalk real amputees and it gets weird pretty quickly. Steering clear of people I do not personally know has been the safeguard I learned to use against this.  That and instructing my husband to stay out of my Facebook email that I carefully filter!

(*Over the years I have had some interesting conversations with men and women who have considered themselves devotees. I do not hold judgment to their preferences but as in any group of people there are those that are extremists and do more harm than good.)

…Children searching for my leg

Children are so sweet an innocent and when they have asked, “where is your other leg?” I have often passionately and kindly replied, “I lost it!  If you find it will you please let me know?!” This usually satisfies most kids as they enthusiastically nod their promise to keep an eye out.  Every once in awhile I encounter a more eager little dear that will proceed to check the flowerbeds or shopping aisles or behind furniture around where I am standing but nothing prepared me for the day that one little boy just walked over and pulled my dress right up looking for it!  At church, no less! Now I only play that little search game when I am wearing pants so they can pick up the empty pant leg and search with no risk of traumatic exposure.

…Things that are curious

When a little girl we know found out she could walk “between my legs” (because one wasn’t there) I became relieved when she was too tall for that little game anymore.  Indeed, though, small kids do get an enormous kick for some reason when they figure out they can walk between my legs (and crutches).  Dogs and cats also get curious about my dangling pant leg and I’ve had to fight for it (along with my sense of decency) back from more than one set of jaws or claws!

Hoping you enjoyed Part 2 of this series!  Part 3 will be out in a few more weeks.  Don’t forget, if you have not yet visited Part 1 of Awkward Amputee Problems you will want to do that.  Feel free to add things in the comments below!

 

Things Amputees DO NOT Worry About

This will be another Amputee Humor article for my peers.  Some people really do have a hard time with these articles assuming that they are self-deprecating or a reflection of a deeper depression. Honestly, it is neither. It is simply forming a camaraderie with fellow amputees to give a shout out that they are not alone in this!  On the other hand, my two legged audience likely absorbs some awareness and education about a life with limbs in a context that is (hopefully) a little amusing.  Win/Win!

09-september-2016-194piknik

Things Leg Amputees DO NOT Have to Worry About

…Our thighs rubbing together

Yes, I am aware now that this is a thing.  I’ve seen memes about it and heard my girlfriends complaining about their thighs rubbing and wishing that was not a real thing.  I have no idea what this would feel like but from the sounds of it I am getting off scots-free!

…Matching socks

Does the dryer really eat socks? I wouldn’t know because since I am an amputee I just throw them all in a drawer.  Even when I use my prosthetic I will keep the same sock on it for days (and walk around slightly unmatched, which apparently is now the style).  It’s not like that foot is breaking a stinky sweat anyway!

…Not putting our best foot forward

Whether we are at work, at home, or just getting a drink you can always bet on us placing our best (and only) foot forward!

…Being mistaken in a crowd

Most people have the option of avoidance or changing their hairstyle to get out of talking to people.  We don’t have that. If you think you saw us, you probably did. If you want to talk to us, we can’t run.

…Trying on both shoes in a store

It just isn’t necessary.  I can’t say I haven’t considered trying to sneak two lefties in a box though.  Thankfully, God has given me some sort of moral compass. I’m not sure what that court order would look like, “Mrs. Ash, you are convicted for theft of two left shoes.  Or at least the one, you bought the other.”

…Paying full price for a pedicure

I know some amputees that do pay full price or they allow the women to weasel a 75% out of them (If you are one of these please STOP and join the half-off club! Pun Intended).  I disagree vehemently in paying full price. There is one foot and it is only fair to pay half price, maybe 55%. Yes, I have walked out of salons over this because I refuse to set that sort of precedent!

…Being rich

Are you kidding?  The past five years alone my leg bills have been $194,000.00 and a quite hefty chunk of about $13k came from my paycheck.  Every amputee faces the same thing unless they are sponsored by sports companies. Yeah, because we can all run full marathons for free legs, right?

…tripping over our own feet

Cut it off with the leg jokes, seriously!  (pun intended)

 …Being all right.

At least some of us are more than half left.  Referring back to my half-off club idea!

  … Watching the weather

The phantom pain that comes when weather is moving in or out makes my stump jump and act strange.  It’s its own version of a crystal ball.  I just rub it and depending on the pain I know what is about to happen! Now if I can just find my broom to complete this outfit.

 … Handrails

People always tell me to be careful and recommend I use the handrails even though I am on crutches. Besides secretly (perhaps sinfully) thinking they are really stupid I am thankful I do not have to absorb those germs.  One company I worked for I got written up for not using the handrail! By people with doctorate degrees! Geeezzzz

 …Talking on the phone when you’d rather text

It is impossible to talk on the phone when you rely on your hands to walk.  So, yes, when crazy Aunt Harriet calls you truly can’t do anything about it!

 

 

 

 

 

The Tricky Troll that Takes a Toll

Grief is a funny old thing. Like an ornery old troll lurking behind his white hair and droopy eyelids but ready to spark a little mischief and trickery at the first opportunity. Just when you think you are over something and ready to move forward, suddenly, grief appears and you are thrown back into the past. I think that grief is so difficult because it does not allow us to live in the present. We want to live in the “now” and think about living in the future but without whatever it is we are missing we can’t really reframe life. It is like we do not know how life is to be lived without the object or person we miss so

20232774_1334764623306387_3570592554737314351_o1955444801.jpg

dearly. And just when we think we have our heads wrapped around it and we think we are ready to move forward…that tricky troll pays us a visit and we turn our heads back to the past and think about everything we are missing. Thus, grief pulls us out of the present time and transports us mentally to a time when things were, in our perspective, hunky dory. Of course this “looking back“ perspective is never completely accurate. It can’t be. In fact it is famously inaccurate! Think of all the times someone passes away and suddenly they are elevated to sainthood regardless of a lifetime of burning bridges and selfish living. Think of the widows that claim they had the best marriage when their husbands are gone but already had the divorce papers drawn up before he passed? We wonder why we made choices to get out of situationsi or relationships (that were the RIGHT choices for us) because we grieve some moment or feeling where we suddenly think the other side of the fence had greener grass than ours. (Ex relationships, previous jobs, etc.) That tricky old troll just messes with our heads sometimes I think!

Of course, those things we grieve do have a right to be honored in our memories. Good or bad, family death or toxic relationship, things we lose do deserve to be in our minds and honored in a healthy and realistic way. But for some reason it seems that the Tricky Troll, grief, shows up in a deceiving way a lot of the time and deters us from healthy processing these losses and distorts things for us in an incapacitating way.
So yes, grief has shown up this month in my life. This time last year we thought we were going to be able to adopt a darling child. He had entered our lives and hearts in the way only a child can. This time last year he started his first year in our school district, he was

20286877_1334762453306604_5876482237163630568_o1789927682.jpg

starting a new IED plan in school suited for his needs that I had fought so hard for him to get, he was learning to read and enjoying that process, we were celebrating all the things to do with fall – fairs, pumpkins, scarecrows, leaves, Longwood Garden Mum’s festival, parades, children’s movies, Halloween costumes, and all the joy and wonders this time of year brings. Now this year he is gone. He has been moved into a different situation and we do not have contact with him. This year I see mums and pumpkins and I get a lump in my throat and I feel tears behind my cheeks forming. I have no desire to decorate or to even walk upstairs to the room that was his. It now sits empty except for a few boxes of things I am storing before we move.
That room looks like my heart feels. I have an empty room in my heart that was his. It was supposed to be filled by now with memories and artwork and love. Instead it is filled with a few taped-shut boxes and devoid of even a piece of furniture. And if I am honest, (and you will never get to see me express my emotions of this in person) I am heartbroken. Perhaps my husband is as well. How can we not be? Last year our evenings were filled with homework and playing outside until dark, stories of our little guy’s day and telling him stories of our lives and families and catching him up on what we hoped and believed would be his life with us forever.
This year it is just the two of us, my husband and I. I guess we can count the dogs but it simply isn’t the same as a child no matter what anyone says. This year we get to see the neighbor children gather at the bus stop in the morning and run towards their doors at night with artwork in their hands and excitement from their day at school. We watch from afar but have no part in this joy anymore. It is like life is happening around us and we are frozen in time. At night we don’t have to do the

20232407_1334762786639904_8391473769364151493_o1030645908.jpg

homework and the sit-down family style dinner. We don’t have bedtimes or bedtime stories. It is just the two of us. I rarely cook full dinners for just the two of us, we pick informally at whatever I prepare a few times a week. Reading, watching TV quietly, having tea or coffee then we head to bed quietly. It is almost sad, because without kids, what is life? Without the wonder, amazement, passion, exploratory energy that kids bring to the house things are not what I feel they should be. It dredges up all the pain and reminds me of being unable to conceive and our many reasons for not adopting which convults another loss and cycle of hurt.
Do you see what I mean now?, Grief is a tricky little troll like that. Suddenly we wonder if maybe we were wrong and that maybe he didn’t need more help and could have lived here forever. Maybe we could have talked to the agency and convinced them to let him stay. Maybe the problem is that we were unprepared for parenting a mental impairment and we should have sought different routes or accepted the risk of it all. Maybe I could have taken a handicapped self-defense course to handle him attacking me. How is the child? Is he OK, is he happy, is he loved like we loved him? Will he end up like his parents because he couldn’t stay here forever? I torture myself with these thoughts and all of this is robbing me of the present.
The present contains its own set of privileges that someday the tricky troll may show up and try to trick me into grieving for. What are those privileges that I may someday wish I still had? Well it is hard to see right now, in my grief, but when I think hard on it I think that a quiet evening alone with my husband would have been envied this time last year. We have nephews and a niece that their parents have been more than generous to share with us and allow us to enjoy since we do not have our own child. Those kids come with all the fun and joy that last year had, the only difference being that we get to show up to have the fun and then the poor parents get to deal with the day-in an day-out stuff. I have freedom to invest my time in my health, writing, and marriage. My husband gets to relax in the evenings after work.
As for perspective, grief has distorted my thinking into being nostalgic for small, even minuscule moments that existed more in my own mind than in reality. Maybe that is its trick that takes the toll. I want to be a parent so badly that I take those little moments

DSCN9599

of goodness (that were so few and far between) and magnify them so much that now I don’t see the rest of the picture. But when I pull back from the troll’s magnifying glass I do see. There was a lot of hardship. A LOT. School was hard for our guy and while he had good days he had equal bad days and ones that were very detrimental to his own future. Homework was a fight every single night that often resulted in him punching, hitting, and attempting to stab me with his writing utensils. We loved to cuddle and hug our little guy like he wanted but the sexual abuse that he suffered would surface in pretty graphic ways for us to contain and deal with every single time. He did enjoy learning to read, but then that would change on a dime and suddenly he was screaming and fighting physically and trying to harm himself in frustration. We had a great family dinner each night that often was disliked and included discussions of his misbehavior reported to us by the school or hospital he attended part time. Shower time started a whole new round of battles, and again at bed time. Oh and there were the nightmares as well that would keep me awake with him. We had four counseling appointments every single week and doctor visits for malnutrition. All of this and did I mention that there was still a biological mom for this child that just got out of jail and signed off parental rights? How the hell do you explain THAT to an 8 year old? And we wonder why he had a mental breakdown and could not stop attacking me physically or hurting himself.
Meanwhile, I was truly suffering physically and mentally. My husband was second shift so most evenings I had to handle these struggles alone with our boy. My disability makes life hard enough and suddenly I was fighting not just to keep myself, my home, my family, and this child functioning I was also on guard for physical attacks and locking my bedroom door so I could sleep safely. There were so many days that I had to put him on the bus after an entire morning of his bloody murder screaming and fighting to not go to school and then I would go back to bed. Not to sleep, I wasn’t depressed, I was physically exhausted and mentally exhausted. Emotional wear and tare of caretakers dealing with extreme childhood trauma is a real thing. The foster care system provided us with no respite, no medical coverage for the mental help he needed, and no assistance or transportation for any of the court dates, parental visits, grandparent visits, sibling visits, doctor appointments, school meetings, and on and on and on it goes.
So that is the other side of reality, the side that we all try not to show on social media or in passing with our friends. The side that, looking at my social media memories is hidden and the few and far between good times are highlighted and elevated in illusion. The side that, as foster parents, we couldn’t even talk about and even now must be very astute and vague to protect privacy of the family we fostered for. So what is it exactly that I am grieving for this fall?
The good, of course. The fact that we lost a child that we loved with our whole hearts and that there is nothing we can do to make our home safe for him (or for me with my disability when he does “lose it” physically). Can you hear me bargaining? Rationalizing

DSCN9818

the way that it was and wasn’t OK here? It makes me so sad to think about the good that may be missed now because we not only don’t have our darling boy back, but we likely will not ever have kids to pass things on to. Working on some genealogy was so difficult for us when we realized, all of a sudden, that the line stops with my husband. We won’t have any reason or person to preserve the information for. That is just one example of the myriad of things that hit us in grief.
Before long I will hit that final stage of Tricky troll’s grief – accepting – and I will convince myself that I am OK with things the way they are and the way they happened. I’ll accept that there is nothing more we could have done to make the situation work and likely I will chalk it up

10-october-2016-012

to God’s will even. I’ll get control of my perspective and work out a plan for the future. A plan of keeping busy and finding joy in the moments I have NOW in the present. Thankfully grief, as tricky as it is, does not ever impact my faith. God is who he is and nothing on earth can possibly change that. He will work things together for good, I know and trust completely, but sometimes accepting that he would not give me the most basic of things I desire like hearing, walking, and a child, is not an easy pill for me to swallow.
So I accept it as much as possible and move forward. Grief certainly does take a toll on me though. And you know, next fall when the corn turns brown and the leaves turn red, when the stores put out the pumpkins and the neighbors return to the bus stop, that little tricky little troll grief will likely show up again on my doorstep. I laugh as I write this because I am writing to you, dear reader, with exactly what will trigger my grief, exactly when it will come, and what it will entail, yet next year I will be just as blindsided by it as this year! I will be tricked all over again and find myself in a new groove on the same old path. Completely irrational. I don’t know why. Maybe living life from our hearts is irrational.

5 Ways to Let Go of the Past (Worksheet)

5 Ways to LET GO of the Past

Worksheet

Based on the Crutchprints.com article by Ashly P. Ash

 

ReProcess:

Describe the situation you are having trouble letting go of?

 

When I think of this situation, I feel these emotions:

 

What typically triggers you to feel this way?  (Is it around a certain person, an event, a place, a thing, a smell?)

 

Does something cause you to think and feel this way over and over?  What is it?

 

When is the first time you remember feeling this way?

 

Ask God to guide you and bring anything to your mind that you may have forgotten:

 

ReCognize:

 

Since the very first time this happened, I have been feeling like

_______________________________________________________________________________________

 

every time __________________________________________________________________ happens.

 

This has impacted my life in different ways.  Some of those ways are:

 

Emotionally:

 

Relationally:

 

Physically:

 

Behaviorally:

 

In the first memory I have of this sort of thing happening and this feeling occurring here are the facts of the situation:

 

Who was involved?

 

Where were we?

 

What was involved?

 

When was the incident, how old was I?

 

Why did it happen this way?

 

Was my response appropriate for my age and current situation?

 

Was I wrong in assuming responsibility for something I shouldn’t have?

 

Should I have stepped up and taken responsibility when I didn’t?

 

Who was responsible, was someone else supposed to fill any roles in this?

 

Was I the victim, perpetrator, or rescuer in the situation? (Victim = Happened to you, Perpetrator = You did it to someone/something, Rescuer = Situation involving collaboration around someone else’s issue)

 

If a friend was telling me this story like it had happened to him/her what would advice would I give them?

 

Seeing the facts in black and white, are there any underlying things I may have started to believe since this original incident that I still carry with me?

 

Because of ____________________________________________________________________________

 

I started to believe _____________________________________________________________________

 

because _______________________________________________________________________________.

 

Things I believe that are wrong                                              The Truth (opposite)

 

  1.                                                                                            1.

 

2.                                                                                             2.

 

  1.                                                                                            3.

 

  1.                                                                                            4.

 

  1.                                                                                            5.

 

Now what?

 

I feel like I need to ____________________________________________________________________

with ____________________________________________________________________ to help me feel

_______________________________________________________________________ and walk in truth.

 

I need to make new boundaries by specifically

___________________________________________________________________________________________.

 

I need to communicate with _______________________________________________________ that I

____________________________________________________________________________________ and

would appreciate if they ___________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________ from now on.

 

Forgive:

I need to forgive ________________________________________________________________________.

 

Do I need to forgive myself? If so, for what?

 

Do I need to forgive God (am I mad at him for not preventing this)?

 

ReLease and Grieving:

 

What did I lose in this situation by believing certain untrue things?

 

Things could have been different if

____________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________ had happened.

 

When I think of the way this has affected my life I feel

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________.

 

Allow yourself time to think about your loss that has been caused by the original situation, situations where it has come up since, and the loss of time because of being unable to let it go.  

ReThink:

 

In the past I would have responded to a trigger by_______________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________

but from now on I would like to respond by ______________________________________________

______________________________________________________.

 

Make a list of situations that this may get dredged up in again.  It is around certain people, places, times, or things?

 

Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in thinking new thoughts instead of old ones.  Ask him to help you move on from destructive patterns and cycle into new, healthy ones!

ReCap

 

Old Patterns, Thoughts, Beliefs:                                                         New Ones:

 

Pray and commit to surrendering this whole worksheet to Jesus.  Ask him to help you with it on a daily basis. Help him to give you the freedom to truly LET GO.  If there is anything that is missing from this worksheet or something more applicable to YOUR situation, ask God to show you that.  

 

Know that I pray for every person that has utilized this worksheet as a tool and pray that you find the freedom that I have found in this process.  May your transformation in Christ continue until the day of His return and forevermore!

 

5 Ways to LET GO of the Past

 

Whether we had an argument with our family, an ex-partner that keeps popping up in our thoughts, or a co-worker that we need to forgive and keep working with, we all have parts of our past that we need to let go of.

I am betting that there are at least one or two things that pop up each week in our lives that cause exaggerated emotional responses.  As we get older and we do not deal with these incidences, they compile on top of one another and we walk around composting years of bad emotions that been shoved down.  We need to deal with these emotions and process them so that we can let go of the past and move on otherwise we can be ticking time bombs emotionally. Life has new situations that need processed each day and to be able to release the baggage of our past is a key to operating in peace for the future.  Peace in our minds, peace in our souls, and peace in our bodies (which can sometimes be manifested as health), will allow us to keep moving forward in life with a hope that doesn’t have to record every wrong done to or by us.

When we REwind something what happens?  We go back so that we can hit play again.  We go back so we can go forward. When we REpent we are going back so we can change direction and go forward.  Taking time to go back and correct our thought patterns is the only way we can ensure we are moving forward baggage-free and in total peace.

DSCN0643.JPG

 

5 Steps to Letting Go

 

  1. REprocess the emotions so you can find the root

When our emotions seem exaggerated in proportion to the circumstance the first thing we have to do is step back and realize that those emotions are an internal alarm trying to tell us there is a problem.  Even if something has happened many years ago, if we can’t seem to let go of it (an ex-partner, a dream we had, or something we feel was taken from us by someone else like innocence, education, or another traumatic occurrence) we still need to stop and think about how this makes us feel now. What triggers us to spiral into those feelings again? What reminds us of this thing that we are determined to get away from?  Write down those feelings or make a mental list because they will come in handy as they are indicators to you about your thought patterns.

Once you have determined the way a situation makes you feel you can decide whether or not the problem started where you think it did.  For example, if you are feeling very angry and frustrated because there are crumbs on the counter top, chances are the problem didn’t start with someone leaving crumbs on the counter top.  More than likely that emotion of anger is a symptom of something you believe. Do you believe “No one appreciates my hard work of cleaning enough to pick up their crumbs”? Now, you are exploring the root belief of the problem so you can process and move forward.

If the root is not clear when you stop and think about it that is ok.  Taking mental note of how you feel in a situation is extending grace to yourself.  Tuck it in the back of your mind and pray about it. I have never asked God to help me find the root of something and not received an answer eventually.  Give yourself the grace to ask “why does this bother me, when was the very first time I remember feeling this way”? Finding the root of the problem is very helpful.  There have even been times when I thought I had reached the bottom of an issue and years later found an even deeper root or layer of the same issue. That is all completely normal!  Making progress is a process and one that God will guide you through as you are ready for each layer.

 

  1. REcognize the root and your role and responsibility

Now that you have found the root of where this feeling and problem started it’s time to process and think about the way(s) this has impacted your life.  In the root incident that happened there is often a role that we were to appropriately fill and a role that we perceive we should have filled. Review the facts of the situation: the characters, the ages,the timeframe, reasonable doubts, how the decisions were made, etc. One tool that helps me do this is when I step back and imagine a friend is telling me this story about him/herself.  What would I deem my friend’s responsibility in that situation should be? Are there areas where I assumed responsibility that should not have been my responsibility? Are there ways that I maybe was responsible and could have changed the course of things but chose not to? What caused me to feel the way I did? Family systems and upbringings often set up the parameters and looking glass for our thought systems.  It is ok to question thoughts we accepted before. A role we may have assumed as a child may not be the right responsibility or role a child should have. As an adult we can look back and decide what the correct response to a belief we have held is.

In the example of a toxic romantic relationship that you can’t let go of, recognizing the root of why you entered the relationship to begin with is key.  Were you lonely? What do you believe about loneliness that would make you choose toxicity over being single? Do you believe bad company over no company is ok? Why does singleness have to mean loneliness?  As a child did you strive to please one parent or another (or both) and felt unable to appreciate you? If so, perhaps there is a root there in the mind that says “I must make others happy and be loyal no matter how toxic and unsafe they are to me”.  Or perhaps there is a thought system that believes you are unworthy and unlovable so you “take what you can get”. Our responsibility is not to make others happy but to grow and please God. Our responsibility is to keep ourselves safe and set boundaries that others must learn to respect.

Recognizing the root of things bothering us identifying our true role/responsibility is a key.  It helps set us up to form new thoughts and walk through new doors of freedom.

  1. Forgive

This is an important part of letting go of the past.  It is something we oftentimes do not want to take the time to do.  We feel that if our emotions don’t send warm and fuzzy vibes towards someone that we can’t forgive them.  That isn’t true. Forgiveness is a choice. And a choice that, in my experience, seldom lines up with my feelings for a long time.

We must take time to look at the root cause of why we have an issue letting something go and deciding who needs to be forgiven in the situation.  Perhaps the toxic ex-partner needs to be forgiven for abuse, but if the root is people pleasing then perhaps the parents do as well for allowing a child to continue striving without making that child feel adequate.  In the scenario of the “crumbs on the countertop” perhaps the person leaving the crumbs out needs forgiven but so does every other person that has left you feeling like they don’t appreciate your hard work.

Forgiving from the root forward is critical.  Remember, we are REwinding here, going back to go forward.   Start at the root situation and move forward in forgiveness and bring all of those situations to God and say “I forgive X for X.”  

Oftentimes the person that needs forgiveness is you.  Perhaps there was a time when you drove a car intoxicated and potentially placed others in harm’s way.  Now, whenever someone mentions a car accident due to intoxication your emotions go haywire. You feel afraid, anxious, upset, and guilty.  Your mind feels the shame of your own actions and fear of what others must think of you. After processing the emotions you realize that you believe what others think about you defines you.  You find you believe that there can be no forgiveness for someone that makes a wrong choice. You may even believe your sins are too great and you deserve punishment (we all do, but thanks to Christ he has set us free from past shame). You have to forgive yourself too. Receiving forgiveness from Christ can only happen if we also forgive ourselves and admit that self-loathing is also rejecting God’s free gift.  Yes, drunk driving was bad choice, a horrible one, in fact; but you must forgive yourself.  Choose to forgive yourself and trust that God will help your emotions to line up with that.  

  1. RElease (and possibly grieve)

So far we have processed our emotions to find the root of our problem, identified and recognized the falsities that we may believe about ourselves and others, and we chose to forgive all involved from the root of the issue forward.  So we have all this baggage, what do we do with it? Now we need to get rid of it. We need to release and make the choice to let go.

That may look different for each situation.  For the “crumbs” example that may look like a conversation with other household members that lets everyone know that you feel unappreciated when others do not pick up after themselves and ask them to start cleaning up after themselves and not assume you will.  For a toxic relationship it may take removal of the relationship or at the very least some very strict boundaries. An intoxicated driver may look up scripture about forgiveness and condemnation and remind him/herself daily that our sins are removed when we ask for forgiveness, and accept that God indeed will turn all bad things around.  

No matter what we are letting go of there may be a grieving process.  We have held on to certain thought patterns for many years if not a lifetime.  We have allowed ourselves to keep connections that we shouldn’t have. We believed lies that we were responsible for things we weren’t (or should have been responsible for things we chose not to)  and now we see the truth. So we are free to grieve. It is important to grieve. That looks different for everyone but whenever we suffer a loss it is important to grieve. It is sad that someone was raised feeling unappreciated and it is now time to think about the ways that affected their entire lifetime.  How has feeling unappreciated their whole life defined them? What ways has that affected their personality? Are they reluctant to make new friends or do they strive to please everyone they meet? Meanwhile, walking away from a toxic person will cause grief and an acute sense of loss as we lay down the hopes we had for reconciliation.  Losing is tough. Let yourself feel the emotions because you have been affected by believing wrongly. A natural effect of grieving is release. If you do the former, you will experience the latter because you are letting go of any misconception that you are in complete control.

  1. REthink a new thought

 

Having allowed ourselves to feel the loss and fully process the emotions associated with the root of our problems we are in a prime position to receive a new thought.  I love new thoughts! God always has new thoughts for us! It is part of the transformation to glory that we are privileged to experience. We are always moving and changing but with new thoughts we can be moving in the right direction.  God always has a new way of thinking that is an upgrade from our past.

When something bad happens to us the neurons in our brains fuse together in our response.  So if we have a wrong response to something, every time something similar happens in the future our brains are fused to automatically make that wrong response again.  To rewire the grooves in our brain and to fuse new thoughts requires the power of the Holy Spirit to remind and help us consciously choose those new thoughts.

Take the time to write down the lies that you believed in the root of your situation.  Take time to write down the wrong ways you were viewing life, relationships, and your responsibilities.  Then cross them out the bad responses and perspectives and write new thoughts. If you aren’t sure what the new thoughts should be, seek scripture, seek counsel from a friend, or sometimes it is simply the opposite!  I have a lot of these little lists in my journal and many are unspecific in regards to the details of the situation I was in at the time. Looking back over them is always interesting because I can see how my “new thoughts” really did replace my old ones over time.  I may have no idea what situation I couldn’t let go of that made me write the list, but the proof is in the pudding when I think, “did I actually think that? What!”

Think about the new truth/thought and brainstorm ways that you can walk in that truth in the future.  Ask the Holy Spirit to help you so that each time your mind begins to think in an old pattern he will remind you and bring it to your attention.  This may come as a small “aha” moment in your circumstances, or he may use a friend that you are walking with to bring it to your attention.

Thinking new thoughts is where we find  a final step in our freedom. There are times I never get too far in this section.  Sometimes I will pray about it and tell the Lord “Jesus, I have no idea what that new thought will look like in my current life, but I give it to you and ask you to help me think this new thought in my entire life so I can be free from the past.”  Sometimes it will be months later that I will then stumble across a situation and it will just strike me “Oh, I have responded the right way here, way to go!” A few times I’ve had a friend say “hey, you used to do x…but now you don’t!”

 

In closing, I want to reassure you that we all have a past.DSCN0611.JPG  We all have had traumatic things happen to us. We all hurt others at one point or another and in turn have been hurt.  We all have believed false things about ourselves, others, God, and the world around us. But why keep carrying around those burdens with us?  The Lord’s yoke is light, His burden is not heavy. But we still walk around praising God, metaphorically “laying down our burdens” with no real victory or fruit to show for it.  This is because as we “lay down our burdens” we are simply cutting off the weeds and not pulling them out by the root. We need to get to the roots of things. It may take time but time spent with God in this way is never time wasted.

I hope this article helps provide some guidelines and skills for you.  I have followed this process as a guideline in my walk towards freedom for over 10 years and have found that God meets me in this every single time.  It has given me skills for living in a world of wounded people, broken relationships, and sin. It has allowed me to truly lay down my burdens in a transforming way.  It has helped me to not be offended in different circumstances that I had every right to be offended in. Through dealing with root issues I no longer am impacted and blown about by every stormy wind but am anchored in peace.

 

Below I have included a link to a worksheet for the above.  Feel free to print this worksheet and use it to help you in the coming months/years of your journey.  

Click here

 

From Victim to Victor

I have been thinking a lot lately about what separates those who succeed and live full/happy lives straight to the end from those that seem stuck in a circle of sabotage and bad luck for the rest of their lives.  This discussion was provoked by my husband’s new FB_IMG_1532721150070-1.jpgjob. In it, he works with many people from all walks of life and it has caused some great sociological conversations in our home ever since. After months of hearing the same stories over and again I started to think beyond stereotypes and subcultures to take a deeper look at a possible common thread applicable to people as human beings.

In short, the main thing that I see is a polarization of perspective regarding victimization.  People that continually seem to self-destruct and surround themselves with chaos typically view themselves as victims of the world.  There is a very sure and even stubborn insistence that “every time I try to get ahead something like this happens to drag me down”. Easily put, “one step forward and two steps backward” is a phrase I have heard from various people stuck on this hamster wheel.

One of the hardest lessons that I learned in my twenties was that most people that claim to want/need help actually do not want help.  Given the resources to build a foundation under themselves, they simply reject every bit of help or even defiantly self-sabotage any opportunities that come their way. Time and again I have helped people that seemed down on their luck only to find out that in the end they viewed me as the “bad person” and the “judgemental” one that just “cannot accept me the way I am”.  This lesson hurt me deeply. I want to help people and give them the resources to live better. In my situation with my disability I have tried very hard not to squander opportunities because everyday life is so difficult, and I cannot understand someone rejecting a clear helping hand. it was a lesson that I have learned time and again even until today. Whether the help I provided was financial, practical, currency of time or verbal, the result always ended up hurting more than helping for those that didn’t actually want help (in spite of their words).

So why wouldn’t someone want help?  I mean, if you don’t have a bed to sleep in and someone takes apart their spare and gives it to you, why would you call them judgemental of you?  Or if someone offers a ride to the gym after you complained relentlessly about needing to lose weight, why would you then accuse them of calling you fat?  Or when someone has helped you time and again, stepping into your chaos and crises why would you keep using them rather than make changes that allows you to be independent?  In the past I would run myself ragged trying to figure out these people and also analyze myself to see if indeed maybe I was being judgemental or hurtful. The truth I have found over many years and with the advice of my husband, however, is that people that view themselves as victims do not want change because that would change requires work and a different way of thinking.  A lot of people do not want to go against the grain when they are comfortably miserable.

Not being a victim of circumstances requires another hard-to-face conundrum:  Responsibility. When you feel that you have some sort of power in your life and in your circumstances (granted by Jesus) then you alone are responsible for the outcome of your own decisions.  That is tough for a lot of people that are comfortable making poor decisions and that do not want to face their own guilt or conscience about their lack of responsibility. It is easier to cry about the change you want than to take responsibility and be the change.

When I became a young adult it was clear to me that i needed to pay my own way, make enough money to support myself in my own apartment, carry health insurance because of my disabled condition, and keep my car in good working order for work transport.  Did bad things still happen to me? Yes. Did obstacles constantly seem to throw hindrance in my path? Absolutely! But in the midst of each thing that happened I made several other choices to help get around it. Some of my obstacles were circumstantial and no consequence of my actions but of course I had some HARD lessons to about my poor decisions to learn as well!  

Spending my meager salary money on eating out at lunchtime with co-workers too often caused me to have no money to pay my cable resulting in me having to cancel that service (before the account debt piled up of course!).  Not shopping for sales in the grocery store meant that I didn’t have extra money set aside for car repairs. My desire to go out and party as a young single female resulted in me not having transportation to 20180805_203159-1.jpgwork for a month.  In each of these situations I was forced to accept responsibility for my choices, recognize why the choice was bad, and redirect my path so I would not make the same mistake again. Packing my lunch and eating out with co-workers only once a week was a start.  Grocery shopping for sales and planning my menu around them allowed me to save and get the new tires I needed, albeit only two at a time. And a friend helped transport me to work and I had to humbly accept her help and recognize it was my own bad choice that put me in the situation of putting HER out.  These new choices and change in perspective on my part set a foundation under me to live a chaos free and happy life as much as possible. We can’t control everything but we can steer the ship wisely.

The three examples discussed here from my personal life are limited to financial decisions but there are many other areas of life in which we are not always victims of our circumstances.  How about relationships that we know are wrong but we blame on “love”? Toxic friendships that we stay in the hamster wheel of? Not putting in quality work on the job and then complaining about no promotions?  Keeping a filthy home or vehicle and not caring for the blessings we do have and then wondering why we aren’t blessed with more? I can go on and on with scenarios that people have come to me with convinced that they had no part in the blame of their own circumstances.  They are strictly victims trying to push through, they believe.

It seems when I encounter people that have a victim mentality they not only never feel they are responsible for the situations that they are in but they are actually hostile to anyone that suggests they do have some responsibility to take.  They flip out in anger to distract from the underlying truth. There is never any occurance to them that maybe their own choices cause them to end up where they are and they surely don’t want that pointed out. This is where it gets nasty, in my experience.  Most people, myself included, are willing to help a friend in need. But it is expected that a lesson will be learned and if indeed there are poor choices being made responsibility will be assumed and they will be corrected. Otherwise, the recurrence of the same drama unfolding again and again become chaotic and ultimately codependent.  No one wants to be caught up in other people’s crisis over and over.

Speaking of codependent, in my experience and observations (which are in no way professional) home environment has a lot of influence on the way in which we will approach and interact with obstacles.  If we are surrounded by people that are constantly reacting to events rather than being proactive that procrastination transcribes in our minds as normal. If the people around us do not take responsibility and control of their lives in a healthy way it is likely that we won’t either.  Then as we grow and make friends…well…birds of a feather, and that. The cycle becomes very hard to break and it becomes comfortable, so much so that any challenge to rise above such limited thinking is greeted with extreme and undeserved hostility.

My mother was good for giving to each of us children what we “needed” and not what we “wanted” or what she gave a sibling.  She and my father to this day are always eager to give each of us a boost in life when we need it. They do not support any of us financially but they do provide home carpentry help, advice, treat us to special meals at their home, etc. Knowing and seeing that their help is appreciated by us and that we are otherwise being responsible in life encourages them to help build a foundation for the next generation.  But not every family is like this. A dear friend of mine, Nancy, said to me once, “Ashly there are two types of parents. The kind that want to see their kids grab the torch and go farther than them, and the kind that do not.” It isn’t a matter of the “haves and have nots” but a lifestyle perspective that is the deciding factor in this. No matter how rich or poor our parents are they still have the option to equip us with an outlook on the world that teaches responsibility and, well, reality.

The truth is, when we see ourselves as victims of every circumstance we are not free to be the people God created us to be.  We are not set up to succeed in stewardship of the things we do have – our families, children, finances, possessions, etc. We are not designed to be robots always doing the “right” thing but were designed with intricate and amazing neuroscience to solve complexities and live FROM a place of victory rather than victimization.

There is something that Graham Cooke said one time that struck me powerfully:  “In Christ we are not fighting towards victory we are fighting from victory. It is over, Jesus has already finished the war you just need to complete this battle!”  Sometimes when bad circumstances happen to us it is so easy to say things like “I will overcome this” when in fact as Christians we have already overcome through Christ and are simply walking out that victory.  At the end of every single one of our problems is Jesus, already standing there and guiding us through them with a smile on his face because He knows that with the Holy Spirit we have everything in us to overcome.  Remember, nothing that we cannot handle would be allowed to come our way to begin with.

One example of this is my disability.  At just four years old there was nothing I did, no choice I made that caused me to get cancer and an amputation.  But it happened. I can sit around and be a victim of this, and frankly I have met many people who did respond that way.  I chose to accept this situation even though I vehemently hate that it happened to me. I do not have control over having one leg but I can control a lot of things. My parents instilled that in me.  Instead of just saying “I can’t” I was taught to see “I can’t do it the way some people do, but I CAN be resourceful and find a different way to do it.”  Because of this outlook I am constantly being asked how I can manage to be happy and successful in spite of everything against me. It is because I am not a victim of cancer I am a woman that is living her life rather than her life ruining her.

By the way, the people that I know that do NOT view their disability as something they could adapt to have not had happy endings.  Many of them refuse to be active because of the extra energy it causes, many refuse to perform daily tasks because it takes at least two times longer than an able-bodied person to finish, they become obese, sit in wheelchairs, and give in to depression, physical ailments, alcohol/drugs.  If my choice is between taking 45 minutes to change the sheets on the bed or sitting all day depressed about what I can’t do “normally”…I will change the sheets every single time! And why wouldn’t I?

We each have areas that we may not be perceiving ourselves as victors in.  I gave a few of those examples from my life earlier. Reframing those situations was key.  Finding the areas that I could have some control in changing and being willing to change. Accepting the situation for what it is and responding in a good way.  And, sometimes, saying NO even when it upsets others or disappointing myself. Boundaries are a very practical way to move from being a victim to victor. Breaking codependent relationships, making a commitment to step out of chaos and not enter into it, not allowing what is said about you define you, admitting when you are wrong and taking steps to redirect in the future, etc. are all practical ways to align oneself far away from victimization.  Having a sense of control and responsibility in life is true freedom. It isn’t easy though, and sadly many will not choose that path. It breaks my heart whenever I encounter someone that has chosen chaos and victimization. As they get older it becomes even more detrimental to them as a lifetime of victimization snowballs with poor choices that have very real consequences. Oftentimes these people become more and more isolated as they age, after all, they are a victim of everyone judging them!

In my own life I have had to learn to honor the wishes of someone that does not want help.  If I am speaking with someone who is struggling and everything I suggest they seem to have a complaining answer or excuse not to try – then I see that now as a sign.  Again, to be victors we must look above our problem and see Jesus standing behind it. Anything else is a very limited approach similar to a carriage horse being driven with blinders, being steered about by others and their own chaos/harnesses.  I do not have the power to change someone’s mind or help them see the way out of a problem if they are not willing to see it for themselves. Backing off is best.  (This is the number one reason why I chose not to become a counselor!  I could not stand to listen to whining when the answer is in all but black and white!  But am I a victim when I can’t help people? Nope…that is when prayer comes in. I can’t change people but I surely can pray for them and not enable them.)

At the end of the day, later in life, the consequences of perceptions do catch up with us.  It is sad to see that happen to people we love but it is inevitable when someone chooses the path of lifelong victimization. Loving from a distance, shooting an arrow into the tornado of their chaos but not entering it is really the only healthy choice for a relationship with a victim. Recognizing the pattern of victimization also helps to free you not only of codependency in relationships, but it also helps you break off any victimization in your own life.  There are still times that I catch myself and realize that I am on the hamster wheel of victimization in a certain area of life. But you know what? I have the power to GET OFF…and you do too.

It is my desire to end my life surrounded with family and friends, having gracefully poured love and wisdom into the next generation, and meet Jesus with a clear conscience that confesses when I am wrong, knowing that I still rose up to every challenge and did not shy away from adversity being a victim.  What kind of ending are you on track to have?

Awkward Amputee Problems (Part 1)

Knowing and loving the sense of humor in the disabled community I think you may appreciate some of these.  While my list is by no means a collective and finalized list of amputee problems; either you will relate to them, understand them, or add your own in the comments below.  There is a part two and will be part three (for prosthetic users!) added to this series.  I want to include my prosthetic-wearing amputee audience in the fun as well!

AWKWARD AMPUTEE PROBLEMS (Part 1)…by Ashly Ash

THROWING AWAY YOUR OPPOSITE SHOE

Yes, I really do this.  I keep seeking an amputee that has her RIGHT foot and is an 8.5 -9 shoe size (hint, hint) but I keep finding girls that are a 7.  So often I either send them anyway in hopes they don’t mind the extra toe space, or I trash them!  I hear that NIKE has a great program for amputees, but get real, who the heck wears sneakers all the time?  Someone please start a Matching Site for us!

PIZZA BOXES

The most awkward things in history!  You are single, you order a pizza, you go to pick up said pizza and then realize you cannot carry it!  “No Problem!” they say, they carry it to your car.  But then you get home and need to get in the house. Pizza boxes don’t fit in any known bag that I have seen, and I’ve tried to tie strings around it to no avail.  Yes, I have had driveway picnics in the past.

TOE’IN THE TOILET

Oftentimes I will tuck my pant leg in my back pocket.  I don’t like to cut it off in case my prosthesis is fixed.  It never fails that I dress up and look great, use the restroom, and as I pull my pants up that little tail of mine slips out and falls into the toilet!  Not the best way to end up with a wet tail.

FREE TAILIN’

While we are on the subject of tails, my pant leg gets stuck in the door ALL.THE.TIME.  And as you can guess…it pulls my pants down!  A few times I have even shut it in the car door and ended up all muddy and dirty as I drove down the road with my tail hanging out the door.  Free Tailin’ would be a great Tom Petty alternative.

WHEN CHATTY CATHY CALLS

Everyone does some things when they are the phone.  They walk and talk, put dishes away and talk, gather things to leave the house while they talk, etc.  When you are on crutches and you use your hand to answer the phone…you are stuck.  You cannot obviously use your hand at your ear AND use your crutches at the same time.  (Bluetooth doesn’t work for me with my hearing devices.)  I’ve been caught in some pretty interesting places picking up the phone and being unable to get off!  Now I usually just don’t answer my phone.  It makes a lot of people angry but I have a hurt feelings report they can fill out if they need it…just get in line!

EVERYONE REMEMBERS YOUR NAME

I have met so many people that remember my name and then become offended when I can’t remember theirs!  It is called word association, people!  One leg girl = Ashly.  If I forget your name then be glad I don’t have the same advantage that you have.

ONLINE DATING DILEMMA

So you sign up for the newest dating website and think maybe you may find someone interesting and a good match.  You start chatting people up and then you realize a few hours in that THEY don’t know YOU have one leg!  So begins the dilemma.  Tell them?  Wait until you meet?  How to tell them?  Can you phrase it in a way that doesn’t get you blocked?  What if they don’t like you when they find out, can you handle that rejection?  Ugh!  So many problems, Patty!

CANNOT USE AN UMBRELLA

28 years I have been an amputee.  This year at Christmastime my sweet grandma gave me a gift.  I couldn’t wait to see what it was.  You probably guessed by now…an umbrella.  My filter left in that moment as I said, “Nan, why in the hell would you get a one legged person on crutches an umbrella?”  I obviously cannot use crutches and hold an umbrella which leads to countless bad hair days and runny makeup.  I would like the say it is the thought that counts except there really must have been no thought put into that one!  I had to apologize for cussing in front of Nan.

THERE IS NO HIDING FROM HARRY

We all have a Harry, you know, that person that you see in public and just are not in the mood to talk to.  Having one leg there is simply no hiding from Harry!  The whole “it must have been someone else” when I was a teenager (someplace I shouldn’t have been) just didn’t fly with my parents.  When I swim and someone sees my crutches in front of my lane there is no getting around a chat with Harry. And there really doesn’t seem to be a polite way to say, “Take a hike, harry!”

ALL I DO IS DREAM

Often I dream that I have two legs.  In my head, after all, I am a whole person like anyone else.  There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and forget about that fallible body of mine…as I fall…

PANTS UP!

Without a nice thigh in place pants do not have the proper motivation to stay up.  I have inadvertently mooned people when I was at Wawa, children’s church, in my front yard.  It happens, people!

PUT A ‘CAP ON IT

Handicapped parking is always a little awkward.  I don’t LOOK disabled but I DO look young and healthy from the waist up.  There is always that awkward moment between when I pull into the space and get a bunch of disapproving looks, glares, and dismayed shaking of heads to when I get out of the car and suddenly turn into a cocky rooster parading my disability around.  “That’s right…I am more disabled then you, witch!”

There is never a dull moment to being disabled.  It is full of fun and funny moments that you can either laugh or cry about.  I hope you enjoyed this read…OH, and I was perfectly serious about the shoe size by the way.  If you are a female 8.5-9 you should email me your address, and then send me your lefties to keep the party going!  Keep the fun going and click HERE for Part 2!

Ashly Ash

Fostering T: The Aftermath

I looked down at the horse crap on my empty pant leg.  “More crap, just what I need,” I thought.  Being an amputee with an empty pant leg, I had closed my car door while unknowingly shutting my pant leg in the door of the car and then traveled all the way to Quarryville, PA that way.  I can imagine the chuckling cars behind me seeing my pant leg flapping in the wind.  If you are familiar with our area you will know the horse crap on my pantleg means I had driven over the remnants of horse droppings from an Amish horse and buggy.  As I looked down at my pant leg splattered in brown and smelling even worse I felt I had taken just about all I could handle.  Now I was to grocery shop and spend the rest of my afternoon smelling like the crap I felt like.  Great.

Just a week or so before this our foster child T was moved from our home into a hospital setting for both self-harm and assault.  I had spent 4 days with him living in the Emergency Room while the mental health team sought a therapeutic and behavioral hospital that could receive T with his particular set of circumstances and requirements.  The closest and first available that they found (6 days after our initial showing up at the Emergency Room) was in Missouri.  As I sat in his bedroom packing his bags and belongings, my heart was breaking.  I was so sad and so full of grief.  Tears poured like a river down my dry cheeks and if you know me at all you know crying is not exactly my forte.  I can handle A LOT, but this was just too much.

DSCN0024

I remembered how I had told so many people over the time of our fostering, “SOMEONE has to love these kids.  If God is big enough to bring these kids to us and take them away; He will be big enough to heal our hearts when they break.”  The words came so easy; walking them out was a different animal altogether.  How did we go from discussing the possibility of adoption to having him hospitalized and removed from our home in one short month? The events leading us to this place were so traumatic that it all seemed a blur.  Honestly, it still does.

Ultimately, even children have responsibility in choosing their actions.  T’s mom signed off her rights to parent him and within that next month he lost his mental capacity to deal with life.  We ran him to four or more appointments every single week, sat through tens of hours of counseling with him, and nothing seemed to help.  I understood some of his anger may have been directed at me as misplaced anger towards his mom, and we talked about that.  I explained that he could cuss at me, scream at me, punch a pillow when he was mad, anything…except attack me or himself physically, try to stab me, or sexually assault me.  He didn’t stop.  Counselor after counselor tried to make it clear that we could work through all of the abuse he suffered, the sexual behavior displayed, the anger…but he had to know he could NOT put his hands on me or commit self-harm or he would be moved to a higher level of care.  Still, T made the wrong choice.  And you know, while he did have some responsibility in this, he was only 8.  This could be any one of us or our children if raised in the particular environment and under the extreme abuse he suffered.  This could be any of us suffering malnutrition to the point that our brains stop developing correctly and we have mental illness.  Yet at the end of the day, this 8 year old was up to my chin already and going to get bigger and being an amputee I knew I could not fight him off much longer.  Besides, what if he pushed me down the steps or took me by surprise?  When we started locking our bedroom door to prevent stabbings at night I felt like I had become a prisoner in my own home and could no longer be the sole care for this child.

Being in the midst of dealing with my pain and grief was one thing, but then realizing that other people had opinions about our situation really put the icing on the cake. “When one kid is removed from their home…maybe that is the kid.  But when two kids are removed, well, is it the kids or is it them?” Well THAT I was not expecting.  THAT hurt almost as much as having this child we loved and adored and planned to adopt removed from us.  And you know what hurt even more was that it was said by a Christian, in our very own family of believers!  Ouch!  As if we didn’t already feel guilty about what happened, as if we weren’t discussing on a daily basis for hours at a time if there was anything we could have done differently.  As if we are so fickle as to simply walk away from a living and breathing child that needs a home and set of parents more than any other we have personally encountered in our entire lives?  Again, OUCH!

We felt that we had not only brought the mission field to our doorstep, but we invited it into our very own home.  We eliminated all privacy to ourselves, all chance of recharging mentally/physically and any respite, all chance of “taking a break” from the missionary work we were doing.  No chance of just showing up on a trip and leaving again. We really thought that the church and body of Christ would understand the dynamics of having the mission field in your very home more than anyone.  Clearly, we were wrong to assume.  Eight months of literal 24/7 care had brought me to a place of sheer and absolute exhaustion.  I would say that it had brought me to my knees…but on top of everything else I only have one knee!  Parenting is one thing, foster parenting extremely abused and neglected children is a different beast that combines all of the normal parenting problems and adds the manipulation, conniving, outbursts, violence, and lying that the child masterfully learned to simply stay alive in their environment prior to coming to you.  I should have been on steroids to prepare myself for this!

DSCN0146So while people began talking about our situation, I knew that legally I was not even able to say anything in my own defense.  Worse than being gossiped about, I found, was having no control to defend yourself or present the truth.  Wanting to protect the children’s privacy and honor our contract with the government I found my hands very tied for one of the first times in my life.  Back when we got married less than a month after being engaged many people gossiped about me, assuming that the rush was because I was pregnant.  It didn’t bother me  because I knew in my heart that within the standard nine months people would see we had no children and any gossip would be proven untrue.  This time, however, I really could not see justice playing out in my favor in any immediate or forthcoming capacity.

This is where a huge internal struggle came into play for me.  I removed myself from the church setting and decided my heart needed to heal.  There were three people in my life I decided that were safe to share details of the past eight months with, and seeing the entire picture those three people were able to extend grace and reassurance to my weak and fleshly soul that we had made the right choice in getting more help for T than we could provide.  I know I am well equipped in trauma education and processing trauma.  What I was not equipped in were genetically driven behavioral traits, mental illness, and, well, Kung Fu.  Fighting off physical assaults from a 12 and 8 year old really was not a good position for an amputee on crutches to be in.  Realizing my own limitation here was really a challenge for me to accept, remembering that I was not responsible for the well-being of others…God was.  Did I trust Him? Another Ouch!

The part that was pretty tough I think in this situation was knowing that it wasn’t all bad with these kids.  We had some pretty great moments, especially with T, who was with us longer.  We went on vacation with him to the Rockies and the Beach, we introduced him to eating out, he got to bowl and golf, get his first pair of cowboy boots, his first set of brand new clothes, and the little things like swimming lessons and summer camp that caused him so much joy.  He learned to climb a tree, cook a meal, play with neighbor kids, and explore nature.  Being raised neglected, we taught him how to use utensils (rather than put your face in your plate), how to use the toilet, how to bathe, how to have your hair cut the way you want it, and how to express yourself using words.  There were so many great moments with T and it was seemingly unbearable to imagine those as being “all for nothing” and “over with forever”.  We simply wanted to believe that we were more important than just a temporary provider for T.

We are still processing some of these emotions and thoughts about T.  As of the date of this writing he is still in the hospital in Missouri.  He is not doing very well, he has made some false allegations about his time with us (which were investigated and closed as untrue), he had cockroaches in his hospital room and has been moved a few times, has not had a haircut since the beginning of November, and has been making a lot of bad behavior choices.  Is this the help that we wanted for him?  No, but that is the system he is a part of.  We cannot even advocate for him any longer because we are, as I was told, “no longer a party to this case”.  Just last week we were discussing whether to get the training needed to try to get him back here in a higher level of care, yet we realized again that it is not what we are meant to do.  All that we can do is maintain contact at the extent the county (who retains custody of all four siblings) allows, support and encourage him to live the life we tried to show him, and pray for him.

dscn0098.jpgSo was it all for nothing?  Sometimes it has felt like that.  We poured heart and soul into a child and never will see the fruit of that.  Picking up the phone to hear his little voice cursing like the moon was blue, hearing his stories of fights and altercations, hearing the false allegations he has made, it feels so dark.  It feels like he has regressed back towards the environment he was removed from.  But in our hearts we have to remember that eight months to a child is a lifetime.  He had eight months of our love, our influence, our caring.  He learned what it was like to be treated like a human being for the first time in his life.  He learned what it meant for a man to go to work and for a home to have a freezer full of food, and how to grow that food in a garden.  These are not lessons he will easily forget, at least that is what I choose to believe.  However small, we stepped into the life of this child when no one else would.  We kept him for the season that God wanted us to, and we will continue to support and pray for him in the way God allows us to.  We are not as important as we think we are, unfortunately, but God has this in control.

So what about all those judgments and gossips, the ones that I can’t refute?  Even with T gone, they will think what they want to think and speak as they choose.   I need to remember that for each of these there were ten or more people in support and acting in kindness. I was vacuuming and feeling sorry for myself with this situation the other day.  I was saying, “Lord, you will get to show people that make a mockery of you one day that you are Lord of Lords, but when will these people see the truth about me?”  And it hit me, like a ton of bricks, “He remained silent” (1 Pet 2:23).  Jesus himself, the most innocent man that ever walked the earth was on trial being wrongly accused and said not one word in self defense.

Job, who suffered unbelievable hardship and strife and grief, hammered God with questions and God did not defend himself.  He simply reminded Job (paraphrased in my own interpretation) that he is the great I AM.  I remind myself of this a lot lately.  I am sad because not only have I not been able to have my own children, but now I have lost the children that I tried to parent.  But again, God is the I AM, not me.  He will work this all together for the good of those that love Him.  I believe I love him.  I believe the children we had love him too.

So, I may not have been wrong in how I navigated the system and this situation of foster care but I know one thing for sure, I am not a blameless person.  I am not perfect nor innocent.  I am not all-knowing and I did not create and knit people from the womb.  So therefore, as I stand, I will move forward resting in the truth of knowing that I am no greater than the one I follow, and do not need to defend myself.  It is a true place of peace and freedom and one that I am on foreign ground navigating.   I cannot hold my brother’s and sister’s in Christ to a standard of not judging me when I myself cannot cast the first stone.  The Lord is Just.  As long as I can stand clear before him then I must allow myself to be humbled on earth and not exalt my reputation in pride.

Ultimately, this entire experience has changed me immeasurably.  My heart used to be DSCN9599worn on my sleeve and no longer is that true.  I am no longer quick to speak, quick to agree with others, or happy to simply nod and smile even when I disagree with something.  This has made me slow to judge and quick to understand that most people can only operate in a certain capacity, and I must accept that.  It has shown me that there are people living like this, right here in Pennsylvania, and that the mission field does not have to be afar.  Petty drama and whining seem to be a new “zero tolerance” thing for me seeing how these children lived and suffered with no one interfering for 11 years.  And I now hate Evil.  Up until this point I had never truly had a hatred for evil, but now I do.  And I avoid it at all costs, wanting no part in seeing the outcome and degradation that comes from such a lifestyle.  This has been a case of watching first hand the sins of the fathers passed to the children.  It isn’t as many preach it to be (that God himself punishes children for the sins of their fathers) but rather the fathers and mothers themselves inflict the evil of their own sins on their children.  And it is the children that suffer.

So just as I was able to shop with horse crap splattered on my pant leg, smelling crappy, feeling worse,and defending it to no one;  I most assuredly can carry on and receive the next child meant to come to our home whether for a month or year or longer without defending or explaining. And I hope T never feels the need to defend or explain all of his background either, as long as he does the best he can.

T will be moving soon into a group home that is therapeutically equipped to handle his situation.  I will pray day and night for him and believe with all of my heart that the Lord will intervene in the life of this child.  Being removed from mother and left by father, may he not continue to see the consequence of their sins in his life but instead learn to experience the blessing of love.  Yet, he will have a choice, and I know one thing for sure, I do not judge him or speak ill of him no matter how he turns out.  Between the system, genetics, his upbringing, and mental capacity, I have a new respect for the term “perfect storm”.  May God be with Him.

 

Crash Course at the Ash House

I had every intention of starting to share some of the hilarious moments that we have had as a family since my last post.  But life had another idea.  Trauma reared its ugly head within our home in a way that has broken all of our hearts in an immense way.  We found there was not just physical abuse between the boys here but also verbal, emotional and sexual.  The county was gracious to allow us to keep the younger of the two boys, Little T, while the older had to be moved to a different home.

And I was relieved.  Doesn’t that sound so harsh?  If I had heard a foster mom say that before experiencing what we went through here I would have cringed.  I would have likely judged her in my naivety and I would have likely thought less of her.  Of course that is not the appropriate “Christian” response but I am being vulnerable here.  Life in our house between April and June became a horror story for me.  Mental illness was not something that I had been prepared for.  Training prepped me in trauma care, de-escalating situations effectively and quickly, understanding the youth brain as it developed under abuse and neglect.  But it did not prepare me for a true chemical imbalance (likely as genetic as situational) or for the way the state would refuse to cooperate or provide what the child needed (medication, therapy, psycho-evaluations, etc).  Physical attacks, feces on the walls, anger and hatred towards us and his brother, crisis intervention calls with me pleading for him to be admitted for all of our safety and peace, threats, sleeping with my bedroom door locked, and having Little T sleep on the couch to keep him free from abuse.  We had to move every single thing from the bedroom of this child except for the bed and his clothing for fear of him harming himself, property, or us.  It was awful to say the least.  So while I was so sad and so hurt and felt like an enormous failure when this child was transferred out my home, I was also relieved.  Finally, I could leave my bedroom unlocked when I slept.  Finally, I could wake up and make breakfast without an hour long fiasco of defiance and screaming.  Rick could work night shift and sleep past 6am without being woken to the screaming child and sounds of banging and violence in our home.  And most importantly, Little T could be safe.  He could be himself and start to experience joy, an emotion he never truly experienced before in his 7 young years.  He could sleep without unwanted touches and he could experiment and fail without mocking voices.

DSCN0049
Rick and Little T overlooking the Great Smokey Mts

Of course the child removed from here was conditioned to behave the way he behaved.  Of course genetics and mental illness caused me to lose the nature vs. nurture battle with him. Of course we all are so sad that he has gone.  Yet in the midst of this God has shown himself faithful.  He has allowed Little T to express himself and share some of the horror stories he had experienced.  A month or so ago we had a campfire with the neighbor kids out back.  As all kids do, they started to make up and go around the fire telling scary stories.  Little T listened for awhile to these scary stories and everyone’s responses to them.  After thirty minutes or so he decided it was his turn. Except that he told true stories.  He interpreted “scary story time” as things that happen to people that are scary or horrible.  He told the audience story after story of abuse, hardship, poverty, neglect, injury, fear, and traumatic events.  We were stunned silent.  Since then, he has started to open up to counselors and detectives alike and is choosing to use his voice to not be a victim.  I couldn’t be more proud of him as a “mom”.  Yet I wonder, what will happen to this little guy?  Will his life experiences overpower the good that we can pour into him?  If we become eligible to adopt him will he maintain the strength and willpower to swim upstream the long and arduous battle he will have before him to live a “normal” life unlike all of those in his genetic line?  Will he keep the faith and finish the race with God each step of the way?

I do not know the answer to these things.  I do know that in only four months of dealing with what every caseworker, supervisor, and counselor advises as one of the “worst cases they have ever seen” I feel like a veteran of war.  Please do not misunderstand me to minimize what war is truly like or what first respondents must deal with on a daily basis.  I simply am expressing that the level of second hand trauma I have been exposed to, on top of my own, has made a tremendous impact on me.   The way I see life now is so

DSCN9818
Little T and Brother watching Demo Derby at Buck

different from before being a foster parent.  The lines under my eyes and the bags from sleepless nights are visible evidence to the pain I feel in my heart.  God is good, yet we live in a fallen world.  It is much more “fallen” than I ever realized.  As one that always seeks to find justification or good in every person I encounter and give chance after chance for them to redeem themselves after a fail, I am shocked at the inexplicable evil and torture humans can subject one another to.  Not just to one another, to a child, a helpless child with no voice or self defense or way of escape.  To abuse a little child and still force them to need you to feed them, provide shelter for them, and attach to you because of those needs is unfathomable.

So while my intention was to share some of the funny things going on here…I just am not at a place to do that yet.  Right now things are just too real.  Yet, Little T is thriving here with us at this time.  He has transferred schools and is enjoying his summer break.  We are working to catch-up on some schoolwork each day and reading skills, and we are slowly introducing the idea of a good God.  (His view of God so far has consisted of him begging his mom to stop the abuse of her associate, and his mom telling him to blame “God” for bringing said abuser into her life when she was lonely.)  We planned a family road trip around Little T and exposed him to many different things in our small section of the world which he immensely enjoyed.

Parenting has been all-consuming for me as we start at zero in teaching a child everything.  How to brush your teeth, how to use a fork or spoon (no, we don’t put our whole face in our cereal bowl we have spoons), this is how to use your imagination, this is how to put your clothes on right side out, this is how you put your shoes on the right foot, here is how you wipe in the bathroom, how to not drown in a pool of water, respond in a conversation, pour a glass of milk, personal space, eat a meal with family, etc. My girlfriend told me prior to being a parent to “think of the neglected children as aliens, foreign to earth” and she was right!  The neglect and abuse has disabled these kids in every way, they know none of the basic things that we all grew up taking for granted in knowing.  It is exhausting and I have had to pull away from most of society as I invest in this child and my own self care (still being disabled) and marriage.  Beyond that there is no energy right now.  Cramming 7 years of childhood into four months was hard but not as hard as it has been for Little T.  He has grown and changed so much these four months!  Each day he has a new achievement we get to celebrate here together!

19224944_1299473296835520_2352707896941492393_nGood or bad, right or wrong, this is what life is right now for the Ash family.  We have taken the mission field and brought it not only to our front door, but invited it in as a permanent guest.  The encouragement received from those dear to us has truly, truly, kept us afloat. So if you have sent a card or something to us and I have not responded please do forgive me.  This valley is only a temporary one and we are beginning to see the crest of it alas!  I wonder if this is how God feels with us sometimes?  If He is all-consumed with pushing us towards our destiny and his purposes, no wonder he takes a sabbath rest!

 

 

It’s a…Two Boys!

It’s a girl! two BOYS!

In the past month our lives have been turned upside down.  Yes, my last post was about our journey and hopes in becoming a foster family.  That has happened.  More accurately, that bomb exploded (haha).  Instead of receiving one child under the age of five as anticipated we received a heartbreaking call and situation to take in two children seven and twelve leaving a severe setting.  Knowing we had an empty room, without hesitation, we prayed and said yes.  The boys were supposed to be coming a week out from the call but an emergency caused them to come within three days with only the clothes on their backs.

DSCN9582.JPG

My heart has broken and healed, torn and mended, been both helpless and helpful every single day since they have arrived here.  I have wondered if maybe in praying I did not clearly hear God, and I have fiercely advocated for these children so they can have a chance in life that they would not otherwise have.  Thinking that this would be a few hours a week of paperwork I have found no less than 4 hours on average a day of appointments, phone calls, paperwork, and advocating for them.  It has been so much more than anticipated but I am used to hard work.  I am disabled and an amputee.  Life has not been easy for me.  The difference here is that this work produces the fruit of knowing you are investing in a child’s future. It seems like a lot of my own personal life journey through trauma, disability, and education of those things has prepared me for “such a time as this”.

The first night that they arrived as they stepped out of the car into my driveway I knelt down to their level, extended my hand and said, “Hello, my name is Ashly but you can call me TT if you like.” They shoved my hand out of the way and jumped into my arms saying, “No, you will be MOM to us.” And that started my life as a parent.  No hospital, no pregnancy, no baby pictures or even knowledge of who the parents are.  No joy or smiles all around; just pain and separation, heartache and wounds both visible and invisible. I became a mother in my driveway at 8pm on a school night when two little boys that hadn’t been fed dinner and had heads full of lice jumped in my arms.

Since then life has progressed here as the world turns.  I am starting to think foster parenting would make a much better soap opera than any “World Turns” episodes. Not that I am a soap opera fan by any stretch of imagination.  I am learning that most people do NOT understand the effects of trauma, abuse, and dysregulation, but that is a topic for another time.  For now I will just say that there are a lot of frequent and extreme mood changes in (and out of) our home and lots of exaggerated emotions.  We have meltdowns when we can’t peel a banana and we curse at truck drivers that won’t honk their horn when we play with sidewalk chalk.  We are taking two completely different lifestyle environments and merging them into one that contains stability and love and boundaries and it is a beautiful thing…but not always pretty.

DSCN9590.JPGWe do not know the future of these boys or for sure how long they will remain with us but while they are with us they are our family and we are blessed to have them.  Our community has stepped up in unexpected ways through all of this.  We have had meals delivered, gift cards to help us supply these boys with clothes and educational tools/games to promote a normal life, prayers and cards and messages from far and near, and friends that have listened to me vent and cry when I needed it.  I can honestly say that no matter what the future holds for these boys they will be forever touched and changed by the normalcy of our simple life and loving people.

A lot of people ask me over and over if I am attached to them and tell me how much I will hurt when/if they leave here.  Sure, it will be hard to have them move on when the time comes. But what will happen to them if I don’t attach?  What will their future be like if they are never shown healthy attachments and love?  I trust that as hard as it will be that God will see me through my own grief and heal my heart as well as theirs when the time comes.

As I type this I am waiting for them to come home from a hard visit with their mom. A scary visit, one they were forced to. And as I see these difficult words in black and white I remind myself how blessed I am to be a part of their journey here.  How precious their hearts are and how big of a responsibility God has placed in my hands to care for the ones that are rejected.  There have been times when I haven’t felt like I had the capacity for another hard conversation, another meltdown, another episode of defiance but it isn’t about me now is it?  I sit in my own home, having been raised to appreciate rules and boundaries, raised to trust that my parents would be there and come through, leaving school each day knowing there would be food on the table and a home to go to.  I am ashamed to realize how easy it is to think that I am inconvenienced when their entire lives have been turned over and inside out.  (Of course this does not mean self-care isn’t important and it doesn’t mean that we are the right people to be with them forever.  We just know that God has them here, now, for a reason.)

So this Saturday will be a baseball game with a Foster Parent Association and we are all looking forward to the public space and networking that can happen there.  We are excited to be in a place where everyone “gets it” and there is no judgment or expectations for normalcy.  I have spent most of my life advocating and fighting for 2 Feb 2015 025 picnic.jpgmyself and the things I need as a disabled person.  While that doesn’t change, advocating and investing in the lives of the helpless is a whole new focus.  To me, that is a cause far more worthy than any other.  I am not perfect and I fail each day.  I have had to apologize more the past month than the previous seven years of marriage (maybe Rick just lets me off the hook more)! And still, in the midst of each tornado and in the middle of the innocent laughter I hear, our house is a refuge and a safe place for all of us.  We never needed to go abroad for mission work…it was brought right to our doorstep.

So that is my introduction to life as a parent so far…but there are SO many funny moments that I have been saving to share with my readers here after painting the accurate picture of what life looks like for us!  I am in the process of compiling them right now to post next time.  Having been raised with four sisters I am in a bit of a culture shock having two boys and a husband running around the house!  Tune in for some of those hilarious observations soon!