Crutchprints in the Sand

Facts About Crutchprints – Ashly Pearl Ash

I want to give my readers a chance to know a little bit more about me. While some followers know me personally many more follow from afar and wonder what everyday life would be like for someone with a disability. Here is a glimpse into my life and my heart while learning how I came to be known as “Crutchprints”:

1. I am the oldest of four sisters. My three younger sisters are named Amanda, Katelyn, and Olivia. It is nice being one of four especially as we grow older and can share with one another and spend time together. Surprisingly many of the relationship dynamics that were formed as children still remain even as we have all grown our separate ways into adulthood. One year my youngest sister, Olivia, bought us all matching plaques that said, “Sisters share childhood memories and grown up dreams”. This sums it up in my heart. We still enjoy buying four of something just so we can all match and share and enjoy the same thing. Sisterhood is a bond that goes beyond strife, hard times, and reaches into our hearts as we still “play” together! Oh…and I should mention one-legged jokes abound in my family since we all share the same sense of dry humor!

2. I met my husband for the first time in a bar. Yes, you read that one right. He was in a bar, I was in a bar looking for a ride home (pre living-for-Jesus), he appeared to be a neighbor from my apartment complex and I asked him for a ride. Unfortunately the ride entailed taking what I thought was his date (just a friend) home first and when I finally ended up on my doorstep I gave him $10 and made it very clear there were NO strings attached. (As I read this I look at my wedding band and wonder just who I thought I was kidding!)

3. I am an introvert. Surprising, right?! Most people that have met or know me realize how much I love the company of friends and family and how much I enjoy talking and laughing and being a part of relationships. What most people don’t realize is that I recharge only when I am alone. After a day of activity that involves people I am so utterly exhausted it can take me up to two days of alone time to be rejuvenated. The exception to the rule: kids. I can be around kids 24/7 without needing alone time because I find kids are more resilient and able to attach\detach periodically throughout their visit which is something a lot of adults do not do.

4. Besides my amputation I have only broken one other bone (my dominant wrist) on the monkey bars in 1^st grade. Being only six years old and the time frame only a year after my amputation, when I broke my wrist I was convinced I was dying. I didn’t understand how anyone could live life without a leg AND without an arm! Six weeks later when the cast came off I learned that being ambidextrous came naturally and I still sometimes write and always eat with my left hand.

5. I had the opportunity to train for the Paralympics. I was sought out for swimming, skiing, and shot-put based on my competition records in all three. I decided not to pursue the skiing after much consideration based on the expense it would be to family and the fact that I would need to move to Colorado for many months out of the year. At the time I wanted to be a normal teenager and finish school. Large chunks of my childhood memories and great stories are from the weeks of camp and competitions on the ski slopes! In the screening for Paralympics I was always forced as well to compete in the running. During these competitions and being a hip disarticulate I finished last every single time but was always cheered through the finish line by well meaning spectators. Finishing first and last truly does build character.

6. Walking in the sand is pretty hard for me in spite of my blog name. Seriously, try to walk in the sand with a fake foot or with crutches. You will sink, wear out much more quickly, and if you wear your leg in the surf water you will wash up smelling like a rotten seashell a few days later (not to mention rust your foot off). This is also one of the reasons I chose the name for my blog. As a child my joy and delight was walking in the sand and picking up seashells with my father. Even now that walking in the sand is a struggle I feel it is an accurate picture of my life as I walk with my Father in heaven picking through the treasures I find.

7. Buffets are hard for me because I have the “carry my plate” dilemma. To wear or not to wear…the leg means to “to carry my own plate” or “not carry my own plate”. A lot of buffets have slippery floors from dripping food and condensation so I have fallen many times and sprawled out in very embarrassing skirt-over-head encounters. Crutches find each slick spot just as easily but I tend not to wipe out as easily on crutches. On the other hand, when I don’t wear my leg there is the inevitable feeling of forever owing the person that had to carry your plate and judge each piece of fried chicken while they wonder how you ever can fit in that piece of pie too! Ah, so glad to have a husband that loves to carry my plate and equally loves to eat! Before having him around it was a lot harder because there have been times where my fellow diners have gotten their plates, sat down, and started to eat without realizing I was still sitting there with no food waiting for someone to help me!

8. I drive a normal car with no modifications but cannot drive a stick shift at all. Theoretically I have tried to drive a stick shift but found that since you need two feet (one for the clutch one for the gas/brake) I am out of luck. Working with three fake joints in my right leg (hip, knee, ankle) the prosthetic leg tends to be more than a little unreliable when pushing the gas. Sometimes I full-throttle and sometimes the same pressure will push my foot off the pedal altogether. So I simply drive an automatic with my left foot over my right and that has worked just fine. The Department of Transportation did not wish to grant me a permit when I was 16 because of this. They were afraid I would mix up the gas and the brake. After much arguing the point that the gas and brake never change places (so what exactly would be mixed up?) they awarded my permit without a guarantee to pass the instructors sharp eye. The day of my test I wore a long skirt and threw my fake leg over the back seat and drove for my test just fine without my leg. As I received the slip of paper with a big fat “PASS” stamped on it my instructor looked down shocked to find only one foot peeking out from under my skirt. I snatched my paper, said a great “thanks!”, and reached over his seat for my leg so I could walk inside and get my picture taken.

9. Tea parties are my favorite type of gathering. If you ever want to assure my attendance to a gathering just promise tea and some beautiful lace doilies! While my home is traditional country-kitchen décor if I ever had the chance I would change everything to floral prints, lace, and knick knacks!

10. Speaking of floral my favorite flower is the Sunflower. They are so happy and so friendly. You will find dozens of these beauties scattered all over my yard. I learned to plant them in two-week increments to ensure blooms all summer. As they push hard and grow straight up towards the sun they attract so many birds and dress up any landscape with their bright colors and varieties. I dream of seeing a field of sunflowers someday!

Thanks for reading and peeking into my life a little bit. Hopefully you enjoyed seeing the balance between normal and abnormal, humor and reality. I have a few more facts to share another time with you! Blessings to each of you as you create memories of your own this summer!

Jehovah Jireh – Jesus Carries

Jehovah Jireh – Jesus Carries

“Then Abraham lifted his eyes and looked, and there behind him was a ram caught in a thicket by its horns. So Abraham went and took the ram, and offered it up for a burnt offering instead of his son. And Abraham called the name of the place, ‘The-Lord-Will-Provide;’ as it is said to this day, In the Mount of the Lord it shall be provided.” Genesis 22:13-14

Sometimes when we look back over our life we find chunks of time that are so painful that we can’t really see God in them. We don’t know where He was or what He was doing but we surely can’t see grace or mercy manifested. Usually we shove these to the side and consider them “pre-Christian” years as we somehow rationalize that God wasn’t there because we didn’t invite him in. But it takes courage to look at our past and the hard times we have endured and ask God where He was during those times. As I learned more about grace I began to wonder about the time when I had cancer as a child and where God was during that time of my life. If grace is truly undeserved favor then why did I struggle to rationalize and understand that even then God had a plan?

Pre-amputation at Sloan Kettering Memorial Hospital

Back when I had cancer and was fighting each day for my very life and breath I felt much like I was a sacrificial lamb. Being four years old I really couldn’t say that I had lived a life that I was now facing the consequences of. I was innocent of pain and suffering up until the point when I started the process for my amputation. Even when they told me they would take my “old and sick leg” and give me a new one I didn’t really understand that the new one would be a crappy fake counterfeit. But there I was alone with just my Mom in New York City wondering why I couldn’t just give up completely. What had I done to deserve this kind of pain and prison at four years old?

Only a few months prior to this I was perfectly healthy and a beautiful little girl with golden curls while running around, climbing trees, and riding my bicycle. Now I lay in the hospital bed bald, skinny and an amputee while listening to the nurses tell my mother that if I did not eat something by 6 pm that they would consider me starving and have to force feed me through a tube. I remember being so hungry yet simply dreading the inevitable effects of eating with chemotherapy: vomiting. The vomiting caused sores in my mouth and throat, other experimental medicine caused sores in my ears and nose, even my urinary tract and rectum. No, eating or drinking wasn’t something that I was comfortable doing but in my prison of white walls and white sheets I knew the alternative of being strapped down and force-fed wasn’t any improvement. At least now I could ask to be wheeled down to the play room and watch the other kids blow their allowance on the Pac-Man arcade. I remember sighing in defeat and asking my mother if a milkshake would count as food before 6 pm.

That was 26 years ago and a real example of a day in the hospital. That wasn’t the only time they slated me for “starving”. In fact, I nearly starved myself to death on more than one occasion. It was so bad that anything I wanted to eat at any time of the day or night my Mother would go through hell or high water to try to get it for me. One night I decided I craved Fruit Loops. She went out strolling the dangerous streets of 1980’s New York City at 11pm looking for the one kind of cereal no one seemed to carry. She came back with the wonderful knock off of Trix only to have me reject them and cry myself to sleep hungry again. The list of foods I vomited and wouldn’t eat grew and with it the list of foods I enjoyed eating shrank with those memories.

God's — God’s “File” kept by Vicki Netting

Awhile ago a lady that went to our church at the time of my cancer (Little Britain Presbyterian) dropped off a bag on my front porch. Inside there was a red binder and it wasn’t until I started to open it and sift through the papers that I began to see the meaning of it. I felt as if God was speaking to me personally; answering my questions about His presence during that era of my life. The binder was full of donation receipts, newspaper articles, thank you notes, advertisements for fundraisers, etc. It was like opening a file in God’s filing cabinet that He kept about my life and His promises to me. Here this woman, Vicki, had kept this binder and all of these things for over 25 years for the very moment when I was asking God where He had been during that time!

Having been in the hospital four and half hours away I was not present for any of the fundraisers, bake sales, auctions, benefits, etc. My mother was with me and on the weekends my father was too so I do not think any of us even knew aside from the proceeds just how much the community was doing for us. A four year old child wouldn’t grasp the enormity of such things anyway.

While my father did have health insurance it had a yearly cap that we maxed out long before September. Mom had a huge basket that she and my father would simply throw the bills into. The basket was always full and I remember her being so frustrated with them that she would periodically take the whole basket to the burn barrel and light them up. It never seemed she returned to the house looking any less burdened than when she left. I remember feeling so guilty and being so full of sadness for what I was causing my family to go through. Little outbursts from my younger sister (only 18 months and sent to stay with my grandparents for the year) reminded me even more that I was sucking up every resource that was available right down to the absence of my mom in her life.

It was an awful time. Most people think that being only four years old that I wouldn’t remember much about this time but in fact I was a sponge (like most four year olds) and I was soaking up everything that I saw and experienced. In fact, I believe many of the things I experienced were so shocking to me as an innocent child that they pushed me into a chronic state of trauma. During this time I knew God was with me because I had seen Jesus come into my hospital room one day and was reminded by everyone that He would watch over me but as far as knowing God as my provider: I had no file in my brain to understand that. The only provision up until that point I had seen were gifts from friends and an expensive counterfeit leg that felt NOTHING like the replacement I was promised. I really didn’t see how God was at work both then and for most of my life until that point.

“Jehovah-Jireh- This is more than financial provision; it is a provision of everything we might need spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Jehovah-Jireh will provide all that we need.” John Paul Jackson, Inheriting the Fullness of God’s Names p.49

Looking over the binder or “God’s file on me” I was amazed again and again at the fullness of testimony jumping off the pages. Evidence of Jehovah-Jireh the provider for my family during that time is clear. The articles explain that the events grew too quickly and had to be moved to accommodate space, that money that kept pouring in and they didn’t know why, celebrity donations were coming in to be auctioned off, and the list goes on. Before social media, the internet, or even cell phones, the large scale of those fundraisers truly is mind-blowing and points only to God’s grace.

I may not have seen how God was at work providing for us at four years old but now at thirty I am blown away at the depth of His love for me. He had a plan for my life and it was big. He had a heart for me and it was bigger. He (switching to the present) has so much grace and abundance to share with me and I look forward to understanding that more and more each day I live. It never fails to humble me when I delve into the past and get a fresh perspective on times that I and so many others view as times of pure suffering. In reality, it was during those times that God was most evident. I may not have felt like He was close and I may not have seen him there at the time but it doesn’t change the overwhelming manifestation of provision and favor.

One of the articles in the file provided a story about me climbing into my tree house for the first time.

“The first time she attempted the climb into the tree house, her mother watched anxiously from the house. ‘I saw her looking at the ladder then look around to see if anyone was watching. I wondered whether I should stop her or not. Then I saw this look of determination on her face. She took one step then another and she was up. Then she came down the slide. We haven’t been able to keep her out of it since.’”

It was a forbidden thing for a long time I remember because my parents were afraid that if I would fall going up the ladder I may bust my newly healed stump open. They had discussed cutting the tree house down since they didn’t think it possible for me to enjoy any longer. As a child the tree house built just for me by my dad was my whole world and I was sure that all of my dreaming needed to take place there! After a year of living in a hospital room I needed to feel the leaves in my fingers and laugh when my stomach dropped as I rode down the sliding board! As I stood at the bottom of the ladder and pondered those things I didn’t know my mother was watching from the window. Looking back on this story in my Mother’s words I see even here how My Provider was present. He knew my need for freedom and my need to be independent again. I believe He stood behind me and gave me the determination needed to take those impossible first steps up the ladder. Against all odds: a child missing a leg climbing a ladder? I believe He must have sent an angel to stand behind me and whisper, “This is how you can climb with one leg…!”

Jehovah-Jireh my provider. He was there then and he is here now. He has graciously allowed me this glimpse into my past to see how even in the midst of pain and suffering He was there. Pictures are proof of the smiles and joy that He miraculously gave to me and my family to get through that time. Looking back and seeing that He truly was there in the midst of things has made such a difference in my mindset of the present-future. Now I can know even more than ever that I am not condemned to a hopeless life (Romans 8:1), I am not condemned in my situations or my disability. I am not condemned in my mind because of the trauma I’ve had to endure. I am not condemned in my marriage because of the stress a disability places on it. I am not condemned to live life without seeing God’s presence in every dark corner of it. There is no condemnation because Jesus paid the price for me to live life in freedom and in joy and with the light of His presence in every corner.

Likewise, may you be blessed in seeing God in your past. Take time to think and look at the ways and the blessings He has imparted to you even in the times where you felt He was absent. May you have the courage to ask Him to show you the ways He was there in those dark times. May you see Jehovah-Jireh in the midst of your struggles both past and present, to know that He has been there in all-encompassing provision: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically each step of the way. May you be brought to the fullness of knowing that you have been resurrected with Christ and because of His sacrifice you can receive His blessing in every situation.

Alas, may you look down and see one set of footprints in the sand and know that Jesus has been carrying you the whole time.

My Road to Receiving

My Road to Receiving

“Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.” James 1:17

“Well what do you think, little lady?” our friend Jeff asked as he dusted off his hands and prepared to hop in his truck. “It’s beautiful, so amazing…” I managed to say. But truthfully I wanted to say so much more and inside I felt so, well, confused! Every once in a while God will do something so great that I have no file in my brain to process and file it in. This was one of those moments for me.

For the past few years we have been a part of a small group that meets bi-weekly and discusses scripture and our experiences with God. It has been such a pleasure meeting with this group as we walk and stand by one another through celebrations of births, Boy Scout awards, musical milestones among the children, and joys of life. Just the same we have stood by one another and prayed through some of the tougher times of life transitions. From the small and quiet group that started meeting three years ago we have grown into a laughing, chatting, completely transparent family that relies on one another to spur us into growth.

Now, this “family” had out-done itself, and I couldn’t even begin to wrap my head around it! I had voiced a desire to have an area to host picnics outside. Since we live on a hill there really was no level area for us to hang out and bless and serve those we love. With my home being 1200 sq ft having a group inside is pretty much out of the question. After some brainstorming at the end of the season last year and some pictures sent of a friend’s yard, I got the bright idea that we could level off the area behind our house and hang some sun shades to give a reprieve during the heat of the day. When I started shopping for sun shades I realized that our best bet would be to build a cheap pergalo-type structure even if it only lasted for a few years. I don’t remember the point I mentioned this to a friend, Tammy, in the group, but I do know that within a day her husband (a carpenter) decided that it was something he could and would like to build to bless Rick and I. Less than four weeks later I stood looking at this gorgeous pergalo that was so perfect it nearly outshined my small home as I waved goodbye to the small group men pulling out of our driveway.

Inside I was like a child. I was so excited to share our first meal underneath with our friends. I felt so loved and treasured by God realizing that He cared enough to not just give me what I asked for but to place it in Jeff’s heart to gather the nicest of beams and then the other men (Jarrett and Jeff) in the group to set aside their day to help us for free! They built something so far beyond what I had envisioned and it was beautiful! All of this just because of a desire in my heart to fellowship and have good times? “Whoa,” I thought, “God is much bigger than I realize!”

Immediately guilt started to rack my brain. “You didn’t really NEED this done…there are other things that you should have prioritized”, “Of course they all had to set aside their day and help YOU when they probably all had things they needed to do,” “Now you owe this group big time, you better start brainstorming ways to pay them back. Nothing is free in this world!” Then anxiety started to settle in and weigh my heart down as I was unsure of this new beautiful accent in my yard.

Receiving a blessing is much harder than giving one away. Why is that? Why do we not believe that we truly are children of God and He gives us wonderful things? Why do we not accept these wonderful things from the hands of His people without striving to “pay it back” and “owe nothing to no one”? Why do we look at gifts with us as the center focal point rather than as if we are partnering with God in something He is doing? Was I the only person that felt this way? Some recollection told me quickly that I wasn’t the only one. From before Jesus came to earth, since the Fall, mankind knew that every sin must be paid for and we deserve to die because of it. We have been keeping accounts ever since and remembering what we owe and to whom we owe, I believe. But when Jesus came to us and became the price for that sin, and died to settle every single one of our debts, we no longer owed. Here the battle changes from fighting to pay our debts into fighting to receive what Jesus paid for.

“Our problem is that we spend so much time telling people how to get into the Kingdom that we rarely teach them what to do once they get inside. Often we don’t know ourselves because no one has ever taught us, either. We spend so much time preaching about the door that we forget all about the palace behind it….if we get “stuck” at the door, we will never experience the fullness of the Kingdom that the Father has prepared for us.

We have to step beyond the doorway so we can discover a whole brand-new world of the riches and glory that lie within…Jesus is the shepherd who brings us into the abundant pastures of His Father’s Kingdom, but how much nourishment and refreshment we receive there is up to us. The Lord will not force-feed us. He wants us to participate fully in the joys and benefits and blessings of His Kingdom…” Myles Munroe, Rediscovering the Kingdom

The very same day and time that the men in small group were building our pergalo, I was at a Mother/Daughter brunch titled, “Princess: Daughter of the King”. Our speaker, Tammy, the wife of the man at my home building, spoke about knowing and realizing that our Father in Heaven considers each of us His daughters and she spoke of tools for walking in that freedom by recognizing the truth. The truth is: God loves me. I am His daughter. He gives good gifts to His children. He is my Father and so what Father doesn’t give His child gifts even if they don’t “need” them? What Father gives his daughter a new dress then demands she work to pay for it?

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:11

“El-Shaddai: ‘The Almighty God; the Double-Breasted God.’” John Paul Jackson, I AM: Inheriting the Fullness of God’s Names

When we think of a mother and a child that breast-feeds we think of nurturing, guiding, gentleness, security. God is more than just a provider for us, he is our nurturer. He is the Almighty from whom all provisions flow limitless. Is it possible I believed a lie? It seemed by the guilt and battle in my mind that I believed that I had to earn the gifts that my Father in Heaven wanted to freely give me. Did I really believe God was more than just a provider for needs but also a nurturer into abundance? My mind said yes but my anxious emotions and fear lurking under the surface betrayed the lies I was believing.

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James 4:8

Knowing and hearing these things in my mind was one thing but days later I was still feeling so confused and double-minded as the battle raged on in my heart. I knew it was as simple as choosing the Tree of Life over the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil but I still found myself trying to come up with ways to repay. I was in turmoil wondering if the small group relationships were forever destroyed and what the three men that built this thought of us. I wondered if they were angry or later regretted their time spent here on something we didn’t “need”. I wondered if I would need to duck their wives next time I ran into them for having taken so many hours of their time. As I sought God about it I only received the same four words from Him each time, “It was a gift.” No more, no less. “It was a gift.” How frustrating, I thought, when I’m asking for help to reconcile this in my head and understand how it is somehow OK for me to simply accept this and live in a place of blessing.

“When man ate of the Tree of Knowledge, his attention became focused upon himself and he began to think of himself as the center of the universe. Every child born after the fall inherited this deception. Our little problems and ambitions completely dominate our minds until we are converted. Then, as we begin to see the Kingdom of God, our perspective is changed….Walking in truth is walking with God. As our vision of His kingdom is clarified, the things of earth do grow dim. The things that are invisible to the natural man become more real to us than things that are seen.” Rick Joyner, There were Two Trees in the Garden

1 Corinthians 2:14-15

There it was again, the word Truth – the word that has been spoken to me by a friend over and over again recently, and spoken by David Takle in The Truth about Lies and the Lies about Truth. Freedom = God’s truth replacing the false beliefs in my own mind.

I started to realize at this point that God’s truth is that He placed it in my heart to want to serve and bless others at our home in good times of fellowship. He has a message of encouragement to impart to others as they come to our home and break bread with us. He can use me to speak to the heart of each person that comes here in a special way that will bring forth life and eternal value. The truth is that each person that was here helping build that shading pergalo sowed into the Kingdom. The Holy Spirit placed it in their heart to join in with what God plans to do and they sowed into that in a way that only God’s people can do. While they did not come here with the mindset of sowing, but rather simply providing a kind service unto the Lord and His people, their deeds were not in vain. While I do not yet know who God will bring here to be blessed and receive encouragement and refreshment I do know that in realizing these truths I became very excited to partner with Him in this.

Kingdom mindsets are mindsets of Grace. We don’t have many “files” in our minds for processing these things naturally because we aren’t born with them. Honestly, many of us aren’t even taught how to live in grace. But as we seek out God’s truth and receive the blessings He bestows on us through others we will start to “get it”. The grooves in our brains will begin to rewire and reconnect and each time we will see God’s truth a little more quickly and clearly. It is so freeing to realize that He simply gave us a great gift and that we can be stewards of that gift to multiply His kindness to others. Not because we “owe” that to our Father (or the people he used to build it), but because having truly received His love gift, now it is bubbling over inside and we want to share it!

My entire life I have said no to so many gifts but this past year I have been humbled and forced to accept several. It truly has become the most rewarding experience of my thirty years. When others pass on to me something that God placed on their heart to give, then there is a relationship and bridge of unity built between us that God can continue to work through. Furthermore, whatever is received on my end is a humble reminder that every good thing comes from God and nothing I have is because I have done something to deserve it.

So who am I? A daughter of the King. Jesus brought the Kingdom to earth and we are to pray each day to be the vessels of seeing the Kingdom manifest on earth as it is in Heaven. As Mile Munroe explains we are living in the palace because of Jesus, our door. A child of the King must receive gifts and also distribute these provisions as well. It’s time to think bigger than us. It’s time to get the focus off of us, our life, our ideas, our IOU’s, and shift them onto the bigger focus of joining in God’s plans and purposes.

Someone in small group challenged the rest of us a few weeks ago to spend a moment each morning dedicating our day to the Lord. That small act of taking the focus off of what I want to accomplish and thinking about what God wants to do in His kingdom (that I live in) has grounded me in truth and kept me living in the Spirit throughout the day. I believe when we live in truth we are partaking of the Tree of Life. As Rick Joyner’s book is titled, There Were Two Trees in the Garden, and the Tree of Life brings forth such wonderful fruit that we will not want anything else! (Galatians 5:22)

I’m not sure who will show up today for some encouragement, but the sun is shining and the flowers are planted under the pergalo. I’m ready for anything God wants to place in front of me.

“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe”. Ephesians 1:18

*Special thanks to Tammy and Jeff Vible, Meredith and Jarrett Hostetter, Rachel and Jeff Craig for sowing into the Kingdom and allowing me to come into greater freedom in my relationship with Christ through realizing the blessing in receiving.

If you are interested in further reading on Truth and Kingdom Mindsets I highly recommend:

The Truth About Lies and the Lies About Truth by David Takle
Rediscovering The Kingdom by Miles Munroe
There Were Two Trees in the Garden by Rick Joyner

A Man’s Perspective – Caregiving During a Temporary Disability

The third “Man’s Perspective” article I am writing in regards to romance and marriage is from a friend of mine named Joel. Joel McCubbin and his wife Vickie have been married for nearly 50 years and they have a lot of wisdom and insight which I feel will encourage a very broad base of my audience. In this article we are exploring the same questions asked in previous situations with the backdrop of temporary disability.

Vickie has undergone two periods where she battled temporary disability in the form of cancer and pneumonia. Joel himself has had to allow Jesus to guide him each day through care giving (as he prefers to label his caretaking) while working through his own personal diagnosis of bipolar disorder and chemical depression. God has seen them through their journey in many miraculous ways that Joel, a former teacher, recounts to me via messenger. Hearing their love story I was reminded that millions of women battling breast cancer and facing mastectomies and insecurities could use a dose of encouragement from Joel as well.

Without further ado I will let Joel take the stage and tell the story in his own words.

How has your love changed as you transitioned from being married to a woman without a disability to being married to her with a disability?

Disability is one of those words that are difficult to define. My wife, Vickie, is someone that has been temporarily disabled twice, and has the scars to show from it, but at this time even though there have been permanent physical changes, I do not think that either of us would consider her disabled and yes, it is something that we talked about before I attempted to answer these questions.

In 1996, after being married for over thirty years, having three children whose ages varied from seven to 20, who still lived at home, Vickie was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 54. Her breast care specialist and surgeon and her local oncologist both recommended a radical mastectomy to be followed by intense chemo and radiation. I have a first cousin who is an oncologist in another state and I also sought out his advice. I was surprised at his conservative approach as he considered a mastectomy to equate to amputation and wanted us to consider a lumpectomy as an alternative. Ultimately, because of the location of her tumor she, we, elected to go ahead with the mastectomy and applied for a protocol that would be a study that either led to a bone marrow transplant or to what was classified as standard chemo which would be determined by a blind draw. I immersed myself in studying and finding out anything that I could about breast cancer and assumed a role as caregiver. When Vickie had her surgery it was determined that she had 16 positive lymph nodes of the 20 that were tested. That was when I first began to realize how grave the situation was and how great the possibility was that I might lose my wife. As far as how our love changed, I really think that it was strengthened by the fact that we both realized she was in a fight for her life. I am borrowing a phrase here, but I think she literally changed the actual scars she had into stars with her courage. What someone else might have seen as ugly I saw as beauty. I really do not think she ever felt uncomfortable with me seeing her with one breast. Miraculously she recovered and within two years was doing everything she had done before cancer and more.

In 2003, on the day before Christmas Eve, Vickie was taken from her doctor’s office by ambulance to the hospital ER. What had been diagnosed previously as bronchitis was determined to be a very rare pneumonia of unknown origin. The last words I heard from her in 2003 was a request, “Will you wash my feet?” She went to sleep that day and was in a coma for almost three weeks altogether. I never lost hope, but I had to make major adjustments. The cancer she had was life threatening, but this was different and more threatening. She could die any day. It was like I had become a single parent. Molly, now 27, had moved out, Jon was in college, but was home for the holidays, and Matthew was in middle school. Physically, there was little that I could do except try to keep things together at home. I had a lot of help and support…I mean a lot. We always had food on the table, transportation for Matthew, and spiritual and emotional support from church family, Vickie’s school colleagues, and the local Emmaus community. I spent eight to sixteen hours a day with her, read Psalm 91 from the Message almost daily, played “Give Me Jesus” by Fernando Ortega around the clock (until someone burned a CD of other Christian artists), tried to keep a diary, and just prayed. On day 20, while Jon and I were with her, watching a football play-off game, I made some off-hand remark such as, “Wow, did you see that play?” Jon responded, “Dad, Dad!” and I replied, “Yeah, wasn’t that something!”

“No Dad, you do not understand,” he was a little miffed with me, “Mom squeezed my hand.”

The nurse confirmed that she had indeed. A couple more days in ICU, followed by a couple more days in primary care, and then a week at the Rehab Center across the street, and finally, one month to the day from the day she first entered the hospital she came home. It would be another six to eight weeks before she returned to teaching, but sometime in April, after Easter, she did just that.

Neither the cancer nor the pneumonia created a lasting disability as paralysis might or as a leg or arm amputation might, so as time passed in both cases my role as caregiver changed and became less and less.

Do you ever feel frustrated with having to be in the role of caretaker? Explain…

My biggest frustration came as my caregiver role diminished. A friend from church whose husband had died of cancer leaving her with a young child said it best. “Joel, it is not the big things that get me down, it is the little things day to day that do it.” I understand, in crisis the adrenaline and endorphins kick in, and I did pretty well. As time passed everything caught up with me.

After being married for almost 50 years do you feel being able vs being disabled affects the core of a relationship?

Financial situations affect the core, children affect the core, job stability affects the core, who might be the primary wage earner affects the core, and yes, health and disability affect the core. The actual situation is not the problem; it is the reaction of both the caregiver and the disabled one that affects the relationship. It can be positive and it can be negative or it may just be more of the same old thing it has always been. For Vickie and me, I really believe it is more about being able to totally rely upon our Creator, our God and our LORD. If He brought us to it, He will bring us through it.

Men are created to build and fix things. As a man how do you deal with and handle being unable to “fix” your wife’s disability?

That was her father, not me. He was amazing as a builder and fixer. Me? Not so much. But emotionally, sometimes my fix-its do not turn out well. Vickie and I had some of her worst fights because she would be upset at someone or something and I would try to fix it by having her to look at it from the other person’s perspective. That never turned out well for me. As far as dealing with illness and disability, there was nothing I could do except to learn to rely upon prayer.

Did you get bored with not being able to do more physical activities (i.e. hiking, dancing, walking far, etc.) together?

Bored? Absolutely not. I’ve got more “guy time” than I have ever had; she is the same with “the girls”, then we have our time, but sometimes I have too much of my alone time when I wish it could be more of our time. I do need alone time like now, or anytime I am writing, when I am trying to respond to these questions.

Joel and Vickie spending time with their young granddaughter

Does attraction change with physical deformities?

As I have said before, her scars have been transformed into stars. There are times I still see the twenty-two year old with whom I first fell in love. I think I have fallen in love with her again in the last year. And I fell in love with her a few times, no, make that many times, in the in-between years. Almost fifty years it has been and it is all because God is good, all the time. Were there bad times? Of course there were.

How do you feel society and “models” create an unhealthy standard of what love/physical attraction really is?

Have you ever seen a Viagra commercial? I was going to say it is not all about “Intense Arousal”. Holding hands, kissing, backrubs and foot rubs, back rubs and massage, snuggling, and spooning are all really nice. Did I mention backrubs?

What would you say to a young disabled and single girl who may feel she is deformed and love will not ever find her?

I would say much the same thing that I would say to any single person, male or female, young or old. The apostle Paul said it is better to be single to carry out the LORD’s work. Practice agape love, practice phileo love. Examine what the bible has to say about eros love. DON’T JUMP IN BED WITH SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE HE TAKES YOU OUT ON A DATE.

I would give her the book, “Single and Free To Be Me” by Dr. Clarence Shuler. https://www.createspace.com/4045024

How do you feel about people staring at your spouse? A lot of our society models after a “trophy wife” mentality that sets up women to be objectified or lusted/coveted after when looked at but being with a disabled wife the looks of envy turn to looks of pity…how do you see that in your mind?

Not really applicable for me, us. But if I may be allowed a side comment, I had to go back to your earlier post and look for it. I cannot imagine anyone having a look of pity for you or Rick, as I look at you standing at the top of some steps in that blue dress with that high heel sandal. You said it in your caption. “Then he said to me… ‘Babe, you ARE my normal…’”

Are there times when your wife seems to emotionally disconnect and isolate from you for whatever reason (low confidence, pain, etc.)? How do you help her to reconnect to you?

It is really just the opposite. That is where we, Vickie and I do a flip-flop and it is my disability of having bi-polar disorder and dealing with chemical depression.

Is it difficult to transition from the role of caretaker to the role of romantic interest?

I am struggling with the word caretaker in place of caregiver. Caregiving as in Giving Care is just something you give as you would give a gift of any kind. That transition seems fairly natural I think.

How can you be attracted to someone that obviously looks so different on the outside?

I was and am pretty self-conscious about my eyes, which were crossed at birth, corrected surgically somewhat when I was six, but now that I am older I have muscle weakness that has me looking outward with one eye or the other just the opposite of crossed-eyes. Around the house that is pretty normal [for Vickie to be braless without her prostheses]. OK, I liked the “girls” as my sister calls them, but with or without prosthetic breasts she looks really good to me.

Inevitably when care taking in close proximity you will “step on toes” and hit boundaries with your loved one…thoughts on this?

Maybe, there has been a time or two where she has one of her really close “girl friends” wanting to help with the caregiving and I have felt a little jealous at being left out. I got over it. I had to be careful that I did not jump in too much during doctor visits. There again is that man thing about wanting to fix-things

Is there any particular scripture or time that God has spoken to you throughout your relationship and helped to guide you into the married couple you are now?

Ephesians 5:25, where it says…. ”Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”

Ashly’s Ashes – Sister’s in Christ Guest Speaker 2015

Back in March I was asked to share and speak at the Sister’s in Christ event at Lancaster Bible College. It was an event where women all over the county came together in worship and adoration of God’s love and glory. Besides being a wonderful time they also recorded my story to share with you all! There is a lot of humor sprinkled throughout this story and a beautiful blessing for you at the end.

Please take a moment and watch this!

Sister’s in Christ 2015 Event

Where My Heart is Bleeding

It has been awhile since I posted a poem. This one was given to me a few months ago and I wanted to share this with you. A friend, Joel McCubbin, also helped me to revise and get the “flow” of this song down pat!

Praying as you read this you will relate and find yourself in communion with our Savior.

Where My Heart is Bleeding

Where my heart is bleeding I know you tarry there

When I feel I’ve lost myself that’s when you show you care

Your heart was broken for my heart to heal

It may take forever for that truth to reveal

Torn, broken, and dirty I stumble and cry

But looking up there you meet me eye to eye

Your goodness and your kindness will show me through

The truth is in your blessings that always accrue

The bleeding will stop as you trade my heart of stone

For the heart of flesh your hand assures I’m never alone

The look of your glory and the train of your robe

Now I am seeing you holding the globe

You are wrapped in light and burning so bright

You gently trade my darkness and wrap me in white

The rainbow of promise the streets of pure gold

All of the splendor that you have foretold

I know and retreat to the inner place of peace

Trusting each moment that my new heart you’ll keep

Oh great weaver of life and great master of time

Use your precious thread in my life and align

Each stitch together with colors you’ve chosen

Coming together as the potter works moldin’

Bring forth this vessel that was my bleeding heart

Show me how to live completely apart

From my selfish desires and whims of the flesh

For this heart you have died for wants only the best

Where my heart is bleeding I know you tarry there

When I feel I’ve lost myself that’s when you show you care

Your heart was broken for my heart to heal

It may take forever for that truth to reveal

Torn, broken, and dirty I stumble and cry

But looking up there you meet me eye to eye

Cleaning Out My Cabinets Like a Man

Cleaning Out My Cabinets Like a Man

“The cupboards need cleaned out. It is not normal to have to duck before opening a cabinet either in the bathroom or kitchen,” my husband insisted while dramatically demonstrating his manly ducking skills. Pssttt…the one part of spring cleaning that I don’t like to talk about and try to avoid whenever possible. You know what I am talking about: cleaning out the old food, stale food, consolidating bottles, ridding bad nail polish, organizing things on a shelf the best way possible, etc. Why having “too much” in the bathroom or kitchen is considered such a bad thing I will never know. At least if I want something I have it right on hand. Besides, whenever I get rid of something within three days I have a dire need for it!

For those of us that live in rural areas I can hear you nodding your heads in agreement through this screen. When you live twenty minutes from the nearest store you tend to take on an attitude of hoarding preparing. It truly isn’t worth allowing yourself to run out of something when you have to travel so far to get it. This seems logical, right? You are saving on gas mileage by making one trip instead of several, time is saved, and your heart is not broken by the oppressing disappointment of “running out” of something. If there is an unpardonable sin for country living I am positive it mentions “running out” of something that you need.

With that being said I also must say that there is a down-side to this. The downside seems to be presented in a scenario that looks like this: You are in the store and you see an amazing “Two-for” deal/sale. Of course you realize that this item is not on your shopping list but your mind begins to wonder if you are nearing the end of your inventory at home. “Maybe we need this,” you think. So you stand there trying to remember how much you have at home (pausing to move out of the way for the lady sighing behind you). After a second intrusion of a kid screaming in the next aisle you realize your concentration is diverted and quickly conclude that it is better to be “safe than sorry” and purchase the amazing deal. Ok, scratch that, you purchase two of the product deals because you know you will never find this item on sale again for this cheap. Now when you get home and go to put this product that you spent next-to-nothing on away you realize that you not only did not need the item but now you have an additional four to cram in with the original two. In case you need help with math this equals a very full cabinet. Thus the term “ridding out” was created.

So I started to think about this, and men in general, and how if a houseband (my word creation to represent male housewife) ran the home what things might look like. Immediately I imagined a casual dinner-table conversation where I had to mention that we ran out of toilet paper three days prior and it would be nice to have that restocked next time he would be in vicinity of the store. See? Men do not have the same pressure-driven consciousness that women have to think ahead about things like that! I thought about how bare the cabinets would be because men do not seem to have the same desire to please everyone and anticipate individual needs and whims as us women do. I pictured my husband opening a cookbook and writing down every single ingredient in the recipe, going to the store for only those ingredients, and then repeating this up to five days a week. Somehow I just know there would be days we would use dish soap for shampoo and baking soda in the place of toothpaste. And things like sugar scrubs? You would be substituting table salts scented with beer (the one thing most men do think ahead about). It also occurred to me that the number of gadgets would increase in our households because men seem to have a real drive towards mechanical gadgets. Mmm…perhaps the clutter would simply shift into other areas (toolsheds, man caves, outdoor kitchens)? But that speculation is another article for another day.

Regardless, my husband is right when he reminds me not to keep more than I really need. Stores will always have more sales, one of us is always driving past a store, and the world won’t end when we run out of something (except aforementioned toilet paper, which if we run out of I may single-handedly cause devastation). After awhile having so much clutter can be pointless because during spring cleaning now matter how many times I have insisted that “I KNOW where everything is in my cabinets” I find a minimum of twenty things I didn’t even realize existed in the black holes of storage space.

So as I sat on the bathroom floor ridding through the cabinets I started to think about my attitude of hoarding over-preparation and how it can carry into other areas of my life. If my husband is “semi” correct about my approach to storage is it possible he is correct about other things? (Gasp! Yes, I admitted my husband was “semi” correct!) This leads me to the punch line of this article: Approaching Bible study like a man.

DSCN3695 piknik — Rick about to enter a gold mine…maybe he will find the treasure!

Men don’t fret, worry, try to foresee every event and need, whim and desire. They just don’t. They don’t cram things into small spaces insisting things will fit; instead they get rid of what they don’t need. Men can go to the store with a list and stick to that list. They can also multi-purpose things which extends beyond their ability to build malls out of toothpicks and into every day life (i.e. using dish soap for shampoo when needed, I won’t even speculate about substitution for toilet paper). They simply aren’t afraid to keep things simple and to the point.

There are so many times when we read anything set in front of us in regards to bible study. We will follow this devotional, that magazine, someone’s blog (clears throat), anything to fill in our space and time with Godly things; except what we really need. We stand there skimming our topical indexes wondering which topic we need and which we already have stored “at home” in our minds and inevitably end up picking and rereading the same comfortable passages over and over. We fluff up our egos with all of these seemingly wonderful quotes and sayings without realizing that we are missing some very basic essentials that are applicable to us now. Some parts of our spiritual cabinets are crammed and overflowing while the things we really do need are left ignored.

Maybe it really is ok to run out of “hair volumizer” that we don’t need and restock our shelves with some medicine that we do need. The word of God is like medicine to us: body, soul, spirit.

“Listen, son of mine, to what I say. Listen carefully. Keep these thoughts ever in mind; let them penetrate deep within your heart, for they will mean real life for you and radiant health.” Proverbs 4:20-22

With the Word of God we never need to “hoard” anything we can get our hands on, cramming it all in because we may run out. The Holy Spirit is in us and we can read and receive scripture that we need, meditate on it in our heart, and it will always be enough. The Holy Spirit will always bring to remembrance God’s word as we need it. This does not mean we do not need to read the Word or study God’s word; I am simply suggesting it would impact our relationship with God more by doing a focused and in-depth meditation/study on the scripture we may truly need in our lives now.

“I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.” Psalm 119:15

As a subscriber of Bible Study Magazine I have found over the past few years that the focused study each month on scripture gives me the “medicine” I need and a fresh look at things. The magazine focuses monthly on a theme or book of the bible and all the articles are an indepth study and scripture reading about this. Rather than cramming in everything I scroll by on facebook or every devotional I’ve collected or been referred to, it has given me a focus and allows me to zero-in on scripture in a new way. If reading scripture then contemplating the application in my everyday life is great, I now find new resources for articles written by others on the same scriptures. Instead of treating my daily scripture reading as a buffet of tasty appetizers I began delving in and enjoying the meat which brings a fulfilling and life-changing attitude. Suddenly, instead of memorizing random scriptures as I go I am now reflecting, digesting, churning over and over internally on the words that apply to my life at this very moment.

I don’t know about how you feel but before I cleaned out my cabinets and reorganized everything I would have been thoroughly embarrassed if you had popped in for a visit and looked around. On the outside my home looked very organized and clean and orderly. But if you went deeper by snooping into my cabinets you would have noticed the ways that I was not being a good steward of the things I am blessed with. I wonder if the same can be true of our spiritual cabinets, our heart compartments. I wonder if in cramming so many verses and devotions and readings into our “cabinets” that we don’t even know what we have in there anymore? Let alone use it, have it organized, or be willing to let others look inside! I don’t want to live like that. I want others and God to look inside of my heart and see that I have been faithful with what He has given me. My desire is for God to see that I have treated His word as a treasure and organize it within me as I meditate on it.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much…” Luke 16:10a

We don’t have to be hoarders crammers of God’s word. There is always enough. His very nature assures us of that. God is a God of abundance and overflowing love for us. Rather than stopping at filling the space in our minds I know He delights in us studying what we need and allowing that to transform us internally, intensely.

A great example of organization, in-depth thought/study, and good stewardship.

So take a look at your cabinets. It is time for some spring cleaning!

What do you need?
What are you cramming that you don’t need?
What scripture is God calling you to take like medicine right now?
What areas of your life could use some of God’s truth to replace the useless mindsets that are not helping you fulfill your calling?
How can you organize your “cabinets” so they reflect you as a child of God?
Do you feel your “cabinets” (heart) are something you could proudly open up to God and the world or do you need to spend some time getting things in order?

Don’t hesitate, start now! Let’s approach bible study “like a man” with the confidence and assurance that we have all we need and can focus on one day at a time!

A Man’s View – Marriage Intercepted by Disability

Crete and John at a Western Theme Party in our yard

This next couple that I am interviewing for this series is a couple that have been married for over 56 years. They have seen it all and remained in love in a way that sets precedent for younger couples. My husband and I have looked up to them since meeting them a few years ago and in getting to know them we have become the very dearest of friends.

Sitting in Crete and John’s living room, I glance around at all the memories their life together has created. Pictures of grandchildren and great-grandchildren hang from their mantle and artwork done by their four children fill the walls. Beloved memories of their daughter Rosey, who transitioned into Heaven because of cancer, lay about like little teardrops of endearing love. What impresses me the most though is the napkin holder that proudly declares “John and Crete” and the little old man and old lady dolls sitting together on a miniature bench in the living room. This seems to sum up what I am trying to capture. The way the house is laid out perfectly for accommodating Crete and her hand walker seems to express their love for one another more than their home and life they have built together.

Crete slowly became disabled over the course of a few years and starting 12 years ago she began using her walker full-time. The doctors informed her she would be in a wheelchair before long but due to her persistence, willpower, assistance from John, and of course God’s grace, Crete is still standing vertical for up to two or three minutes at a time. Any longer than that and if you watch closely you will see the teardrops forming in the corner of her eyes due to pain.

Crete and John met in church when they were just children. I believe their first encounter involved John tossing a stick of gum across the aisle to her (causing her to be reprimanded later by her mother). He had his eyes on her ever since that day and persistently sought her heart until the day she committed.

No matter their circumstances, their love for each other as stated above sets precedent and provides wisdom for couples everywhere. I have seen many couples married for that long but to see them genuinely still in “like” is as rare as Crete’s name. In fact, after so many years together they finish each other’s sentences and complete one another in such a way that I cannot approach this topic with the input of only John! Crete seems to understand John’s heart and is able to capture his words and essence in a way that only a one flesh marriage can reflect. So this interview will include both of their answers.

I hope as you read this love story and glean nuggets of wisdom, gems of reassurance (wherever you are in your romantic journey), and karats of courage to press on in marriage to achieve the standard of Christ-like love that was intended and is displayed here.

How has your love changed as you transitioned from being married to a woman without a disability to being married to one with a disability?

John – My love has grown stronger, it ever changed. God has helped us through many things and our love for each other has made us stronger and God has blessed us more.

Crete – My love has grown deeper because I now become overwhelmed at all the things needing to be done to help me. Sometimes I am so amazed at “my man’s” commitment and thank God daily for him and know God is pleased at his desire to help me.

Do you ever feel frustrated with having to be in the role of caretaker? Explain…

John – If you love someone you want to take care of her. I was away from home as a truck driver [when we were younger] and my wife was able to do everything by herself as the children were growing up. Now that she has so much pain I see no reason why I can’t do many of the things she did – I love her and enjoy “cooking”. There’s nothing wrong with her mouth and mind! She can tell me how to do things and I usually can follow directions!

Crete – I often feel frustrated because “my man” steps in and does more and more as I do less and less.

After being married for 56 years do you feel being an abled woman vs being a disabled one affects the core of a relationship?

John – Yes, the core of your relationship becomes stronger after living and loving someone that long. God helps you through the changes. Being married for over 50 years I have seen her as a wife, mother, nurse, and grandmother and watched her with her active life. Now it’s [the disability] putting a halt to everything she does and she has to minimize her pain by limiting her activities. She can no longer stand for more than five minutes or walk across a room without pain. In spite of her disability she will try to “push” the limits and ends up in tears because the pain is overwhelming. Our love has only grown stronger and knowing I can do more so her pain is less makes me want to do it. Even with the sickness and death of a daughter our spirit felt broken but our love helped each other to go on. Her disability did not hinder her from reaching out to others during that difficult time.

Crete – My marriage is effective when in my most painful times and my spirit is low he will be there with a kiss, a touch, or a prayer!

Men are created to build and fix things. As a man how do you deal with and handle being unable to “fix” your wife’s disability?

John – I am not a doctor but when I see her in such pain I want to give her a new back. Since that is not possible I am more than ready to put the walker in and out of the car or be available with the wheelchair when needed. She and I both know we cannot afford surgery but have the assurance that one day she will have a new body in Heaven. Until then, we will work and love together here on earth…disabilities and all!

Do you get bored with not being able to do more physical activities (i.e. hiking, dancing, walking far, etc.) together?

John – I know she can’t walk. Sometimes I will go someplace by myself or walking with my dog.

Crete – I get bored at not being able to do simple things like stand to cook or be able to walk or stand for five minutes. I feel at times I wish he would take a walk or do something he could enjoy with a friend like golfing or hiking. I often feel I hold people back and frequently will try to get him to go without me.

"You Can Dress Him Up But You Can't Take Him Out!" - John being amorous at a church function. He isn't afraid to express his love and attraction for his bride! — “You Can Dress Him Up But You Can’t Take Him Out!” – John being amorous at a church function. He isn’t afraid to express his love and attraction for his bride!

Does attraction change with physical deformities?

John – I love her no matter what she is going through. Look at her other traits. She is friendly, helping others, kind, always smiling, sharing with others.

Crete – Attraction? Emotionally it is stronger. Physically it is regulated by pain.

How do you feel society and “model bodies” create an unhealthy standard of what love/physical attraction really is?

John – So many in societies today when something happens to the other person they don’t stick with them, they get rid of them, and they trade them “for a new model”.

Crete- Society just needs to stand aside and observe the “model” we want to portray.

What would you say to a young disabled and single girl who may feel love will not ever find her?

John – God loves you. Keep trusting Him. Be yourself. God has someone for you. Don’t listen to what other people are saying [but rather] find a church you can connect with.

Crete – I began praying at age 12 for a loving, caring husband. I saw true love between my in-laws and decided at the beginning I would make it work. As my disability progressed I thanked God that our marriage vows took on a new meaning and witnessed anew every day the work it takes on both parts to commit.

How would you define romance? Do you feel it is still possible being married to a woman with a disability?

John – Romance comes from the heart and yes you can be [romantically] married to a woman with a disability it is not all sexual.

Crete – The little things mean a lot – a wink from across the room, a note, a smile, or touch. Things that don’t cost money.

Are you ever ashamed in public when people stare at your spouse in a bad way because of her disability?

John – When we park in a handicap spot [and] she gets out of the car they don’t see the pain in her body. They don’t see the whole picture or the love we have for each other.

Crete – There are times when the “public” looks at me and they can’t see anything wrong with me but my pain level is already at a 10. I must then find a way to sit and try to “kill them with kindness” and smile.

Are there times when your wife seems to emotionally disconnect and isolate from you for whatever reason (low confidence, pain, etc.)? How do you help her to reconnect to you?

John – When she has pain and she doesn’t feel good she will go lay down until the pain lets up. [She] tries to keep on in spite of the pain and it always ends up with her pain level becoming overwhelming (and tears flowing). I can only hug her and insist on her stopping the activity and try to help her more.

Crete – It is important to “keep on keeping on”. I was told ten years ago I would be in a wheelchair in five years. I try to be an inspiration to others [because] it takes the focus off of me. I remember God has my life planned ahead.

Do you ever feel that your spouse loves and appreciates you more because of her disability and all you do for her?

John – I know she does but feels embarrassed when others come into the room and she is sitting while I am doing things she [feels she] should be doing. She will get up and try to “pitch in” and I continually have to tell her that I will do it. I do know I must be aware that she wants to be mobile and that if she stops then after awhile she may not be able to walk at all. [Crete’s continuity in movement helps her stay mobile and out of a wheelchair permanently.] I once wanted to get something for her and when I saw her start to get up I asked, “What do you need, dear?” She said, “I have to use the restroom – you can’t do THAT for me!”

Crete – Yes, I try to be more appreciative in all he does and often do become embarrassed when others are around and see how much he does while I am sitting. I try to openly be thankful.

Is there any particular scripture or time that God has spoken to you throughout your relationship and helped to guide you into the married couple you are now?

John – Ephesians 5:25: Husbands Love your wife just as Christ loved the church. I saw love modeled by my dad to my mom when I was growing up. He did a lot for mom, they worked together. I put God first and look to Him to help me – through the good and the bad.

Crete – I am blessed and grateful! Blessed for “my man” and grateful for all he does daily. My limitations are not weaknesses but it is [in] the decision [to be blessed and grateful] that requires maturity and strength.

The End.

*If you have questions of your own for John or Crete please comment below and they will be happy to answer them!

**If you have your own answer to one of the questions above also comment that below!

***Keep in tune with Crutchprints.com because in the near future I will be posting one last article keeping with this theme titled “A Man’s View – Temporary Disabilities”.

Crutchprints During the Casting Process

Hello to all of my followers!

I wanted to share this link with you to give you a bit of a peek behind closed doors at my doctor appointments. This was taken back in October and it was during the time I was working with Jay Martin, Independence P&O, and BADER at University of Delaware.

Now since this video I have had three additional castings and as of this post I am heading down to Newark in about thirty minutes to receive my newest “test” socket (another version of what they are casting for in the video) to try out. So while this particular leg demonstrated did not work out for me I believe it was a critical step in the process of obtaining maximal function and comfort. I’m also happy this is coming just in time for me to start landscaping and mulching with Spring in the air!

While the casting process is a very professional environment you can still see how difficult (as a woman) and invasive it really is. Talk about having “it all hang out”…this captures some of the process from a professional standpoint and helps my followers to learn a little bit more about Hip Disartic amputees.

Enjoy the video and Blessings on your week. I will see you next week with a new post!

Ashly’s Casting Video (Click Here)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxSSMrlDeT0&index=3&list=PLBA031BFD16C493BD

A Man’s View – Choosing to Fall (and Stay) in Love with a Disabled Woman

A Man’s View – Choosing to Fall in Love with a Disabled Woman

After posting my article titled “Romance Based on (Dis)Ability” I had a few requests to hear about romance from a man’s perspective. My audience wants to hear what goes through a man’s head in regards to romance with a disabled woman. Well, this article is just that. I have submitted questions to three men in three different scenarios. Knowing not everyone is a writer and wanting to keep the authenticity of it being “in their own words” I have decided that a traditional Q&A will be best. This week I am going to publish my husband’s Q&A. The angle/scenario that he is coming from is “Choosing to Fall in Love with a Disabled Woman”.

How has your love changed as you transitioned from dating women without disabilities to being married to one with a disability?

Rick – My respect has grown greater [for disabled women] because of Ashly’s willingness, drive, and her love for me. My patience has improved because I respect her. She appreciates me, and putting her needs first has taught me patience. Overall, my outlook on marriage has improved and marriage seems easier. I have never dated any other disabled person so I don’t know about being married to them instead but in being married to Ashly she enjoys the little things. She is easy to make laugh, things don’t drag her down easy, and she can cope with things much better than other women. We don’t have “jobs” in this marriage we work together and that makes ours stronger than other relationships. Ashly tries so hard I can’t ever say “I can’t” around her she does more than any woman with two legs I’ve met.

Do you ever feel frustrated with having to be in the role of caretaker? Explain…

Rick -Yes, sometimes. Like when I have to drop what I am doing to meet Ashly’s demands. She thinks they need done “right now” and it is hard to drop what I feel is important to do what she wants. She can be pretty demanding sometimes and we both have priority items that need [to be] completed, and when they are both equally important it can be frustrating since I am only one person. I feel so much that if I could just take on my wife’s problems it would make her life so much better. Ashly has so much potential and tries so hard, I just can’t be both places at once. I have to learn to put my own needs aside sometimes.

After being married for 5 years do you feel dating an abled woman vs being married to a disabled one affects the core of a relationship?

Rick -Yes, but in a great way. Our core is so much stronger than most marriages because you know that you must work together in order to make life work. In my family there was no core to our relationships so I didn’t come with a good skill set to give to Ashly. We have had to create our own and couples that are married much longer than Ashly and I seem to have a lot of blank spaces. I know ours will only get better no matter what people say.

Men are created to build and fix things. As a man how do you deal with and handle being unable to “fix” your wife’s disability?

Rick -Not being able to fix the disability is very hard. It is crazy knowing I can’t do anything. For example, imagine being [very] young again and wanting to help your dad and he tells you you’re not allowed, that you’re too little, only grown ups can help…take that feeling times 100 and that’s how I feel. Take the same feeling times 1,000,000 and that’s how Ashly feels. I handle it as best I can by fixing the things that I can like helping her when she is physically hurt, planning our schedules ahead of time, canceling plans if she needs that, arranging the house to help her get what she needs, holding her when she is struggling. A big part of this isn’t just her physical health but also mental. It wears her down mentally and emotionally so some days it can be like juggling.

Do you get bored with not being able to do more physical activities (i.e. hiking, dancing, walking far, etc.) together?

Rick -Not bored just sad because Ashly is able to do anything she wants she just may not enjoy the more physical things. If anything it makes our marriage stronger. We enjoy the little things in life (talking, playing games, and working in the yard)…how many wives get truly excited to work outside in the yard? Ashly does and I get to enjoy that about her every day, what a blessing.

Does attraction change with physical deformities?

Rick -I don’t understand this question; it bothers me. I’m attracted to my wife and I don’t get why a leg would change anything? I’m short but that doesn’t change whether or not I am an attractive person. Attraction is based on what? Like God’s love for us, I don’t feel like love sees any physical deformities, but even before I fell in love with her I was attracted to her when I would see her at her apartment or walking to her car. At first physical intimacy did make me wonder about how I would handle this and what I would need to do to make the experience enjoyable for her. I had never been with a disabled woman so I was a little nervous too. But I let Ashly take the lead and found quickly that there was nothing different in the end at all.

How do you feel your relationship is special before God and honoring to Him?

Rick -I feel that a lot of people think we may not be equal. I feel like we are because we pull together. Like the mules that work the field, one must always lead and take the first step. Sometimes I take that first step and lead in certain areas of our marriage and in other areas she takes the first step and leads. But in the end we are pulling the same load and we are right there together. I feel like our marriage imitates Jesus and the church because we are forced to work closer than others and we have to get along on a much baser level than most couples.

How do you feel society and “model bodies” create an unhealthy standard of what love/physical attraction really is?

Rick -I have always despised the way society tells men what is attractive leaving no room for what they might see. Models are fake, they are not real. Real life women have flaws and they eat and have curves and there is beauty in that. Real women are beautiful. Just like an antique is beautiful because of the flaws it shows (scratches, dents, etc.) and is valued on those things I feel the same little imperfections make women beautiful. Knowing what I know now about the depth and character of a disabled woman I see these women as rare. They have so much more love in their hearts than I have ever seen in any able- bodied woman (not that it isn’t there just that it is so intense). You could put my wife in the room with any model and I would choose my wife every time because she outshines in a way that I can’t explain. I guess I feel you are never deformed because God has formed you.

What would you say to a young disabled and single girl who may feel love will not ever find her?

Rick -Find a church if you don’t already belong to one. Pray and follow your heart to what God tells you. Love will find you; you never find love [being] alone. You will know when God has brought you your guardian angel; that is what he will have to be for you, guarding your heart and [guarding] his love for you because the world judges. When that man comes you will know and know God is right there. Don’t let your disability determine your relationship. Don’t be fooled by the fakes (there will be men who say they want to take care of you and make your life better, just like people pretend to be the Messiah), know your God, know your heart, and always believe love WILL find you.

How would you define romance? Do you feel it is still possible being married to a woman with a disability?

Rick -Romance is not just about sex it is about the time you spend together. Time spent talking, laughing, sharing special moments together, going for walks. To define romance is endless because if everything you do is out of love then you are being romantic. Yes it is possible to be romantic with Ashly, I think she has a hard time seeing that I’m being romantic but it is possible. I do have to work on my skills, coming from a broken home my whole life I will say it has been a challenge.

Are you ever ashamed in public when people stare at your spouse in a bad way because of her disability?

Rick -No, not ashamed of Ashly, I’m ashamed of the people that do stare in a bad way. HOW DARE people think in that way? It happens a lot more than what people might think, a lot more. Ashly sees it all the time but she doesn’t think about it as much. I see them the whole time and every time I’m staring right back until we make eye contact and then I keep staring until the person puts their head down. I know that may not be right but like everyone else, I’m not perfect. The person usually figures out why I’m doing it but I try not to get verbal due to Ashly’s request (she is embarrassed just wanting it to all go away). It does make me angry and ashamed [of them]. To notice and look away is one thing but the way some people treat her is wrong. For me, I think of when Jesus saw the woman caught in adultery and drew the line in the sand in front of her to protect her. I see people staring at her and want to say, “If you are flawless cast the first stone”.

Do you ever feel she is holding you back?

Rick -Never, Ashly is a well motivated woman she can do anything she wants to do. I have the blessing to see an inspiration in her every day. The only way Ashly holds me back is from doing something stupid.

How do you feel about people staring at your spouse? A lot of our society models after a “trophy wife” mentality that sets up women to be objectified or lusted/coveted after when looked at. Being with a disabled wife the looks of envy turn to looks of pity…how do you see that in your mind?

Rick -Define trophy wife? My idea of a trophy wife is based on what she can do with what she has to work with. Ashly is a trophy and if other people can’t see that then that is not my problem. In my eyes, my wife is beautiful, sexy, and fun. Society’s idea of a trophy wife and mine are two different worlds.

Are there times when your wife seems to emotionally disconnect and isolate from you for whatever reason (low confidence, pain, etc.)? How do you help her to reconnect to you?

Rick -Ashly does disconnect emotionally and when she does she tends to get mean and lash out. It’s a challenge to not get mean back, and I fail, I’m human. We do butt heads and then one of us steps back and sees the bigger picture of what is happening beyond the words or frustration. I know sometimes I have to butt heads with her just to see what is going on [underneath it all]. I do still push her in these situations even if it causes more anger to help her to reconnect and express what is causing her to pull away from me and even from herself.

What would you say to a young disabled girl to help build good self-esteem and self-image?

Rick -Build a good relationship with Jesus and network with a church to see how people of God are. Build your morals off of the bible; it’s a challenge, but a true reward. Make friends not only with women in a church but men as well and see how different the standards are from the rest of the world. Guys don’t have to be perfect to date them, when Ashly started dating me I was not a very promising fellow. But when dating a guy make sure that he knows about your relationship with Jesus and accepts your faith and plans to keep growing in his.

Do you ever feel that your spouse loves and appreciates you more because of her disability and all you do for her?

Rick -Yes, I do. Ashly lets me know all the time which is nice because I do have a hard time, like I do things for other people (not just Ashly) and they never seem to appreciate it. It is an issue of my own I have to work on. Disability or not, men should help their wives with everything because working together is so much more rewarding than having “his job, her job”. I learned this in being married to Ashly. Men like to feel rewarded for the things that they do and I feel very appreciated every day.

Is it difficult to transition from the role of caretaker to the role of romantic interest?

Rick -At first it was but I found I can’t be a care taker then be romantic. I learned I need to mix the two roles together so that the little things I do for her because of her disability wind up being special bonds we share together. It works so well. Ashly and I have seen another couple with the same issue we have and they are so happy and have been married over fifty years this way.

How can you be attracted to someone that obviously looks so different on the outside?

Rick -I personally do not think this should even be a question. Why is society so focused on attraction only being on the body being a whole?

Is there any particular scripture or time that God has spoken to you throughout your relationship and helped to guide you into the married couple you are now?

Rick -I believe God has helped me see how Ashly truly needs help. Something most people that have been around her whole life choose not to see. Physically, emotionally, and mentally she needs help. Physically – setting the house up for Ashly. Emotionally – opening my heart and arms to her when she just needs to be held. Mentally – she does dissociate so I always am asking her how she feels and what she needs to stay [in the] present. I wonder if other men do the same for their wives? We all have certain needs from our spouse and they may not look the same as ours but they are there regardless and I challenge other men to look beyond the surface and work to meet those needs.

Inevitably, when caretaking for someone you will be in their personal space and step on their toes. Then what?

Rick -You dance. Just go with the beat of the drum and soon enough you will get in rhythm with each other.

Ashly’s Father asked you, “Do you know what you are getting into marrying a girl that is not normal?” when you asked for permission to marry her. What do you think about that?

Rick -I thought I knew what I was getting into but I learned quickly that I really didn’t know. What I saw was the need for Ashly to have a protector and a good man in her life. I knew I would die trying to provide that for her. Looking back I wouldn’t have let her marry me at that time because I really didn’t have anything in my own life together like Ashly needed. We struggled a bit because of that. But with her by my side I was able to pull myself together and become the provider and protector I wanted to be for her. I didn’t come to this marriage table with a whole lot of skills from my past or my family so we really had to learn together how to be healthy, take care of each other, and I’ve never been happier.

Anything else you would like to say or add?

Rick -Love God, Love your Spouse, and always know that your wife is right….(haha)

The End.

*If you have questions of your own for Rick comment below and he will be happy to answer them!

**Keep in tune with Crutchprints.com because in the near future I will be posting one last article keeping with this theme titled “A Man’s View – Temporary Disabilities”.