Crutchprints in the Sand

My Kind of Love

My Kind of Love

I have noticed over the past five years of marriage that a lot of people give my husband credit for putting up with a wife that has a disability. There is always an undertone when people speak of my marriage. They say things like, “He really is a good man to overlook everything.” Or “Well, if he doesn’t mind that you don’t have a leg I guess its no one else’s business”, and my personal favorite and most frequently heard, “I’m glad you were able to find someone that could love you for you and not for what you look like.”

These comments can be said with good intentions but sadly they are also very hurtful. The existing presuppositions always point to me not being worth enough. It saddens me in so many ways to see that our society places so much value in ability. The rule of thumb in society seems to be: Our worth is in our ability and physical looks.

When I met my husband I wasn’t looking for anyone to share my life with. I had been through dating several men and most of those scenarios ended disastrously for me. My career was going well working as a contractor for DuPont in Wilmington, DE. I had my own apartment, money, and everything else a single woman could ask for. I had finally become happy with my life and made the most of every day.

A week before Rick and I started dating.

When Rick and I started dating we stayed together because we complimented one another. Both of our lives were enriched because we were together. He was in a very difficult place with his family and his finances when we met and together we started making goals for improving his life. We both had a future in mind and goals in our hearts that we were working towards separately. After dating for a few weeks we began to realize how these goals were alike and how well we connected talking about our dreams and plans for the future. As we encouraged each other we realized that our dreams were really intertwined as one dream. While pushing one another towards greatness we had really pushed ourselves together in love.

For us, we fell in love so strongly that we knew we were meant to be together. Within three weeks of dating we discussed love, marriage, and a future. Our feelings for one another were so strong that there was no denying it was meant to be. After hearing so many say “when you meet the right one you will know” I can finally confirm the degree of truth in this. Yet the path forward wasn’t all peaches and cream because we both had wounding in our hearts from the past.

It was Fern, from Discovering MErcy, who spoke directly to the insecurities in my heart. She explained that every person on earth has the potential to hurt us at some point. She explained that putting our trust in people (including a future spouse) is not God’s design. God’s design is that we place our trust in Him! When my heart is in God’s hands He is responsible for what happens to me and for helping me clean up any wounds, breaks, or bangs that may come along the way. I may be disabled but as long as my belief is in Him who is able then I am free to love the man in front of me transparently.

“Listen to this wise advice; follow it closely, for it will do you good, and you can pass it on to others: Trust in the Lord.” Proverbs 22:17-19

“I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.” 2 Timothy 1:12

Through this I realized that love was not about my ability or Rick’s ability to meet my needs. Love stands alone as it seeks only the heart of another. The world falsely manipulates us into believing that love must be tied into physical looks and physical strength. But from my experience it is so much easier to allow God to be your strength and determine that you will complement your spouse’s life with love and not take from it with your own needs.

I really do not like the way that our society judges couples and seeks out “which is stronger” in relationships. We often hear in our circles, “How did he land that beautiful woman?”, or “I just can’t see why she stays with him she could do much better!” But all we are doing when we entertain these words is placing a measuring tape of ability and holding others up to it for judgment. Oh how I wish that we could do away with this tape of measurement altogether. Why must someone be weak and someone be strong? Why must one be more attractive than their partner? Why must someone be able and someone disabled? Marriage is about love not about ability. Life is about love and not ability.

Because of my love for the beach prior to having my amputation I still mustered the courage to be married on one!

Going to the beach is one of the greatest struggles that I face because of these standards our society boasts. The beach has always been one of my favorite places but I cannot say since being an amputee at the age of four that there have been many carefree memories spent there. As a married woman I long to have my husband be able to consider me a “trophy wife” and have a wife on his arm that others look at and nod in approval. Instead, when we go to the beach and I look around I see that others will stop walking to stare, point, and grab the attention of their peers to objectify me when they see me in my bathing suit. Being an amputee, in order to get in the water I have to walk down to the water with my crutches and get into the water to sit while my husband takes my crutches back to the blanket. While I wait for him to come back people stare in wonder, amusement and sometimes even shaking their head with disapproval.

But time and again as I sit there in the water waiting for my husband to return (with my heart pounding in my ears and my body trembling with embarrassment) I look up apologetically at his face only to be amazed. Rick’s crystal blue eyes always seem so oblivious to what is happening around us! He stares at me with sparkling eyes and a huge smile as he excitedly says, “Ready to swim?!” He is so focused on the love that we share together that he doesn’t even see the others or the faults in my figure that they see!

Once I asked him about this in exasperation and tears. I demanded to know why he is never affected by those around us when he must see how blatantly ugly I really am through their actions towards me. He replied simply, “Oh, well, they don’t know you. They don’t see how beautiful you really are that far away.” Rick sees love as it stands alone. He sees beauty from the eyes of our Father in heaven. He does not see ability as a measure of standard.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

Raising my glass (of water!) to courage!

“Where there is a will there is a way” has been pounded into our heads since grade school. But do we really believe it? There is a way to accomplish any task and I believe that the way it gets done doesn’t interfere with love one bit. Yes, there are times when Rick will do things to help me physically because he loves me. But he certainly doesn’t love me any less if I do them myself in a different way than another woman would!

As we creep up on our sixth year together I am delighted to say that our love is more real now than it was when we were married! Time has slowly purged a lot of the negative standards of society from my mind as I embrace and receive the love that is before me. Love takes on an entire new dimension when we look beyond the surface and see the heart of an individual. Who is to judge what that journey should look like? Every journey is unique and every journey is beautiful.

Looking at your own relationship with your spouse do you see love alone? Do you see how you were brought together to complement one another and add to each other? Do you see strengths and weaknesses, dos and don’ts, beauty and ugliness? Make a commitment to shatter this false belief today.

Focus on love as it stands alone; all the rest will fade into oblivion.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Attitude of Lack – Removing the Belief System

Our words have power and our beliefs have power over our lives. The bible is clear about this: “The tongue has the power of life and death…” Proverbs 18:21 and “For as he thinks in his heart, so he is.” Proverbs 23:7

Recently someone prayed over my husband and I about living in God’s abundance and not receiving a spirit (or attitude) of lack. While we by no means have a bottomless bank account I never think of us as being in lack. Our bills are paid, the refrigerator and freezer are full, the temperature has been in the single digits and our house is cozy and full of warmth. This is the abundant life that God has given to us! Yet when this was prayed over us I felt the Lord shoot a small arrow of conviction into my heart. This caused me to spend some time praying and seeking Him about an attitude of lack. As I asked God to search my heart in this area the results were surprising.

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.” Psalm 139:1

The bible says that he who hates his brother or sister has already committed murder in his heart. (1 John 3:15) This demonstrates to us that sin is sin in God’s eyes and none of it can stand in light of His holiness. It also sheds light on the idea of principles. The principle rather than “do not murder” is “do not hate” because out of hate other sins stem such as murder.

While on the outside I do not see any way that I have invited or opened the door for my heart to be twisted by an attitude of poverty and lack, I began asking the Lord to search my heart for any beliefs that would open the door to greater problems of lack down the road. A small belief of lack in my mind now could result in bitterness, separation from God, idolatry, suffering, even poverty in the future. As I studied the topic and spent time on my knee (not yet plural!), God was gracious enough to shine the truth on my heart so that transformation could begin within.

Lack

“When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.” Deuteronomy 8:10

Lack is defined through several phrases in the dictionary. It is described as “missing something” and being “deficient in” something. When there is absence of something needed, desirable, or customary we consider ourselves in lack. Lastly, Dictionary.com describes lack as: To fall short in respect of.

Lynne Twist in her book The Soul of Money writes:

“For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is ‘I didn’t get enough sleep.’ The next tone is ‘I don’t have enough time.’ Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of….Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something.”

“ Scarcity is the ‘never enough’ problem. The word scarce is from the Old Norman French scars, meaning ‘restricted in quantity’ (c.1300). Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyperaware of lack. Everything from safety and love to money and resources feels restricted or lacking. We spend inordinate amounts of time calculating how much we have, want and don’t have, and how much everyone else has, needs and wants.” (Brene Brown in Daring Greatly) Throughout this book she goes on to state how shame for not “having enough” is heaped on us and heaped on others by us through comparisons and many other forms.

Worry

One way in which I have invited an attitude of lack into my life is by worrying. Whenever I worry I am in parallel with the principle idea saying: “God is not in control of this, He is falling short in respect of…, there is something I need that I am not getting from God.” As I began to think of the different ways in my life that I worry and think about things in a worrisome state I realized that through worry and not acknowledging God’s control of those areas I had invited the idea of scarcity into my life.

“²⁴Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life^[a]? ²⁶Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” Luke 12:24-26

When I would worry about my husband driving tractor and trailer I was essentially saying, “God you are not enough to take care of my husband as he drives”. When I would worry about the fact that we do not have our own children yet I was saying, “God is not providing something desirable to me, I am without and He doesn’t care”. On days that I had been frustrated with having one leg and began to worry about not being able to take care of myself I invited lack into my life by thinking: “God isn’t going to take care of me, He may not give me what I need.” All of these are very simple examples of ways that we can invite a heart attitude of lack into our lives.

“Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.” 2 Peter 1:2

As we give up the reins and allow Jesus to reign on the throne we can surrender our worrying and accept the peace and the grace freely given to us. It is time for us to confront the fact that God is in control and we must trust Him with our concerns and not enter into suffering through worry.

Scarcity

As I began to lie all of these things at the foot of the cross I felt the Holy Spirit telling me there was more. That night I had a dream: I was in my home and we had company. In my dream I was telling the people everything wrong with the house and telling them that “we don’t have what we need here” and in response the people in my home were telling me what they needed in their life as well. As I was speaking this in my dream I remembered that there was an entire suitcase of money in my dining room. I remembered this but because I was scared that I would need all of that money for myself I simply continued agreeing with the company about the lack all around us. Suddenly I felt I needed to stop agreeing and start saying out loud, “HE IS ENOUGH, HE IS ENOUGH, JESUS IS ENOUGH!” in my dream and as I did this the entire conversation in the room shifted and changed as people began joining in praise about the things that we DID have to work with.

When I awoke I prayed about this dream and felt so strongly that the Lord was revealing to me the next area of my life that I had invited lack. Whenever we agree with an attitude or voice that we “do not have enough” we empowering this belief system. How many times do we voice to others or say, “If I only had X I could… (Complete this project, get this job, make this money, give to others, quit this addiction, etc.)” ?

This belief system is inviting a spirit of lack into our lives! Whenever we agree with negative and scarcity thinking that we do not have enough in our lives we are agreeing with the Father of Lies (Satan) and inviting the lie that there is not enough and God is not in control. We are agreeing in shame that we are not worth God’s provision.

“Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.” Luke 12:15

The truth is everything we have is everything we need. It may not be what we want but God has given us what we need. Do you feel like we should bless someone with money? Give it whether you feel like you need that money in your pocket or not. God will bless you with replacement! No matter how little we have in materials we can still live in abundance.

When training me to help in Children’s Worship Jessica Hostetler told me that the leaders consider snack time a “feast” and refer to it as such to the children. Even though it may only be one handful of goldfish or pretzels per child, she explained, it is not about how much they have it is about the fellowship around them that makes it a feast. To me, this demonstrates abundant living in its fullest. Whatever you have around you right now you can live abundantly with. Begin to look with your spiritual eyes and allow the renewing of your mind in truth!

Chaos, Control, Codependence

Last I was shown another way in which I had invited an attitude of lack and scarcity into my life. In one of my other posts I discuss the three circles in life (Ours, God’s, Other’s) and how any time we reach out of our own circle we are inviting chaos/codependence and are out of line.

https://crutchprints.com/2013/12/10/chaos-free-circles-operating-from-a-place-of-peace/

The Lord began to show me that when I try to control others by correcting or admonishing, changing people, or changing situations that are not in my jurisdiction to change I am inviting an attitude of lack. Not only am I out of line but I am empowering this belief through my own attempt to control something (or someone): “God you cannot change that person/situation I must change them/it.”

Do you have problems with your children? Don’t try to operate out of threat and fear because you are stepping out of your circle of jurisdiction to manipulate. Learn the ways of LOVE! (Bryan Post has excellent love-based discipline if you aren’t familiar.) Is your husband driving you nuts with something he does? Nagging will not help, dishonoring him to others will not help, and trying to change him will not help. Is someone you love going down a bad path of addiction and you feel it must stop? Becoming codependent and heaping guilt on them will not achieve your goal and if it does the result will be short lived. All of these situations are in God’s hands and only God can change the hearts of others! He may use us to influence in love but any time we step out of our “circle” we are inviting lack into our life.

You see, others do not exist to fill the needs within us. And we all have needs, we were created with needs of intimacy and relationship. But our children do not exist to make our lives run smoothly. Our spouses do not exist to keep us from feeling lonely. Only Jesus can fill the needs within us. Our children, our friends, our family, our spouses will never be enough to meet our needs in this fallen world. Of course God may use them in His way to meet needs for us but the source of our provision must be Jesus.

Wrong person on the throne!

Keep God on the Throne

“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

It is so very important for us to keep God on the throne of our lives. To remember that we are mere stewards of all we are given and honoring God and His word accordingly is true respect. Remember, lack can be thought of as “something missing in respect of”. With the price Jesus paid on the cross there is nothing missing in respect of abundant living. There is no lack and there is nothing that we need being withheld from us.

Pray forth the things which we are called to ask for. Speak the good things into our lives and remember that what we have right now is enough for the task on hand.

“Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.” Proverbs 13:3

No matter what we have or what we need our trust is in Jesus. Jesus is enough. His sacrifice on the cross was enough. He sits at the right hand of the Father in Heaven and brings provision to us, change to those around us, peace within us. Let’s shatter these false beliefs in our minds so we accept His provisions today and live in abundance. After all, HE IS ENOUGH!

“I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).” John 10:10

Consequences of Having One Foot in the Grave

My Great Grandfather Burke who lost both of his legs above knee in a railroad incident. He farmed 40 acres despite his amuptations — My Great Grandfather Burke who lost both of his legs above knee in a railroad incident. He farmed 40 acres despite his amputations

When my leg was removed as a child my parents decided to purchase a grave plot and have it buried. Their reasons were modest enough and I am honored that they took my amputation so seriously. Still, I remember the awkward moment as a child standing before my grave plaque and trying to make the connection in my brain between my very much alive body and the very creepy grave plot which contained my very dead and amputated leg.

Of course, as an adult the idea of coining the phrase “one foot in the grave” has its appeal. There remains however the dilemma of where I will be buried when I do pass on from this world. Naturally, I would like to be buried near my husband. Meanwhile the majority of my family is buried in a different graveyard that is local and I have thought about how nice it would be to lie there. At not even thirty years old I shouldn’t be putting this much thought into my death! Yet, the fact remains I have one foot in the grave and I need to figure this out at some point.

Do I buy the plot next to my leg so that my husband and I can be together and I can be buried with my leg? Or do I somehow set money aside and leave directions in my will to have my leg dug back up and moved to wherever I am buried? Let’s be honest, who would want that job of digging up a dead person’s body part and what would they think of me? Isn’t the whole point of dying leaving a good legacy? Yep, I’m pretty sure that would be squashed the second they dug up a decayed child-sized right leg!

Since there will be a new body in heaven waiting for me why even bother? This life is temporary and we will all move on to better things and should give no thought to the past! Yet whenever I pass that particular graveyard containing my leg I give a silent nod and salute towards my missing piece.

The truth is even if it doesn’t matter whether or not I am buried with my leg I simply feel a bit disorganized knowing that there may be parts of me scattered about. I feel a little responsible to take care of my body – all of it. Of course, this theory will be literally blown away in the event that I am killed in any sort of bombing.

So for now, until my probable cause of death is resolved in my head the issue shall remain unresolved. I still have a ways to go; after all, I’ve only one foot in the grave.

*Please understand this piece was written in humor. While yes, I really do think about this issue from time to time the reality is I believe Jesus will restore my body and it really doesn’t matter where I am buried or how I am buried!

Things Break – But We Don’t Have To (Part 2)

Last time in my post titled: Things Break – But We Don’t Have To (https://crutchprints.com/2014/01/07/things-break-but-we-dont-have-to/) we looked at ways that we tend to operate on the edge of a stress cliff. We overstress ourselves and stay teetering at the edge of our stress cliff so often that when one small and unexpected event (something breaks down in our life) our capacity is maxed out and we go toppling over the edge of the stress cliff. This results in frustration, anger, cursing, depression, silent treatment, or whatever our choice method of hyper/hypo arousal may be that day. In “Things Break – But We Don’t Have To” we discussed the importance of making choices with our time and how that can make room for things that may go wrong so we can deal with them in a healthy way.

For those of us that have a difficult time throughout the day thinking “out of the box” to avoid places of stress there is another tool we can use. It is called “Mindfulness” or the “54321 Method”. The idea is to bring yourself back to the moment so that you are aware of everything around and inside of you including how stressed you are, whether or not you need a rest, or if you need to take more time to stop “steamrolling” forward. It brings your mind completely into the present moment so that you can look at your situation with a new perspective.

Using this method (go into a bathroom if you need to escape!) you will come into a present and mindful state by:

Taking a deep breath and close your eyes.
Opening your eyes and focusing on 5 objects around you and thank God for their beauty. How do they relate, what are their colors, textures, shapes.
Noticing 4 specific things you hear around you.
Feeling 3 body sensations. Things you are feeling or touching.
Pointing out 2 smells.
Focusing on the taste in your mouth.

Practice this a few times a day. Maybe even pick one or two of these things to focus on. Set a phone alarm when you know you are the busiest and take a two minute break to bring yourself into the moment so that you can continue with a clear mind and operate within your capacity without stress. Remember, the idea here is to continue operating from a place of peace so that when the curveball breakdown happens it does not send us over the edge.

Because we are human we will all experience disappointment when something breaks down right in front of us. It is only natural for our emotions to express an attitude of disappointment because that is how we are wired. Most of our lives we are taught that emotions and attitudes are bad and if we express disappointment we should be ashamed.

An example of this when we were told as a teenager to clean out the refrigerator we stomped our foot and rolled our eyes. This was an emotional response to something inside. We were processing why we were unhappy about having to change from whatever we were doing that we felt was important to the new priority of cleaning the refrigerator. Chances are in our society we were disciplined by our parents for our reactions.

We are taught that expressing emotions is shameful even though at the core of our being we still feel the emotions we are taught not to express. (There is not one person reading this that hears their alarm clock on a very early morning and doesn’t hit the snooze button one time and then slowly trudge out of bed with an attitude and feeling of disappointment about not sleeping!) These emotions and attitudes help us to transition into the “next thing” which in the above case is “morning”.

When we are operating from a clear head and a full capacity we suddenly have the ability to process our emotions when something breaks down and say to ourselves, “Wow, this really sucks. This couldn’t have happened at a more terrible time. What is really needed in this situation? How can I give grace to (myself, my child, my spouse, my car) and respond in love?”

Every person is responsible for knowing and operating in his/her own capacity without stressing out and overflowing into anger, frustration, silence, dissociation, etc. We are each responsible for knowing where our limits reside. We are responsible for choosing to not operate on the border of stress, because when we do we only hurt other people or ourselves.

In my writing about chaos I define a little more clearly the things we are responsible for and things we are not. The things that are beyond our control we can “feel” and process the emotions and repercussions of but we cannot try to control them or we will end up with closed fists fighting against the impossible.

(https://crutchprints.com/2013/12/10/chaos-free-circles-operating-from-a-place-of-peace/)

So let’s back up a little bit when we have something break down in our life and get “in the moment”. Let’s use whatever tools apply to help get us back in the present moment. Let’s stay away from the cliff of stress. Let’s process our feelings in a way that extends grace and peace, allows for disappointment, and doesn’t lash out in anger.

After all, things will break. But we don’t have to.

(Sources: From Fear To Love,Book by B. Bryan Post; Fern from Discovering MErcy)

Greatness

To be given a lot we must start with a little

We must nurture that little each jot and each tittle

And as we continue to express gratefulness

Character is formed into faithfulness

The quiet still moments that no others see

Little do you know will then set you free

To care for this little given in trust

And multiply this while keeping from lust

Our Father in heaven is watching each move

He knows when we take each bump and each bruise

Promotion will come when we least expect

As a reward for choosing not to fret

The little we are given with labor of love

Will one day go free and fly as a dove

Greatness does not come in big boxes

But wears as a belt with equal notches

The perception of man is not accurate

It doesn’t ever help to have greedy fits

The small and mundane may be the present

So we must careful not to show resent

Our souls will enlarge as the Spirit resides

We will feel no reason to hide

Then as resources are passed along

Growing into greatness will be our song

For many have received before their time

And destruction came and went down their line

For greatness is never in things measured

But internal growth that brings the Lord pleasure

Thanksgiving breeds intimacy with our King

Then influence comes as a natural thing

So today as you travel and think of your plight

Be sure to give thanks and know it is right

Things Break – But we don’t have to! (Part 1 of 2)

Things break. This is not a pessimistic viewpoint or a negative one; it is a reality and one that we must face as we go through life. Lately I have experienced a lot of breaking with the one thing that everyone else takes for granted: Legs. Due to my extremely high amputation it is essential that I see prosthetic providers very specialized to work with my condition. After searching for nearly two years I found a reputable provider about three hours from me (which still beats the drive I had been making to Long Island, NY). But still, the fact is that my legs break.

The past few months as I have become extremely active I have experienced more breaking than ever with the leg’s straps, nuts and bolts, things popping out where they shouldn’t; you get the picture. I have broken my leg when walking, sitting, cooking, and dancing! I guess you can say I have become pretty good at “breaking it down” and “break dancing” on many levels.

The biggest struggle I have with all of this is the disappointment when my leg does break. My reaction can greatly vary depending on the emotions I am feeling. Usually when my leg breaks I am steam-rolling along to accomplish a million and one tasks and suddenly at the absolute worst moment I feel a “pop” and know it is a goner. This can be incredibly frustrating because I am forced to stop everything I am involved in and safely maneuver myself to a place where I can remove the leg privately and find out just what has happened, whether it can be fixed easily, and how to finish what I was doing without two legs to stand on. Needless to say, this alone can fill my “window of capacity” very quickly and leave me very empty and lacking empathy and grace for the next few hours or even the entire day.

Let’s be honest, we all have something in our life that breaks down at the moment we need it most! Is it your car when you have an appointment? Your bank account when you need to make a withdrawal? Is it your relationship right when you are about to have company? Is it your child in the middle of a store? Is it when you are rushing and end up knocking over something in your home as you watch it shatter? All of this is breakage that needs to be dealt with and can easily influence our entire day in a negative way.

Bryan Post describes being in a state of stress as having “closed fists to one another”. When we are in a state of stress (usually after breakage of some sort), he explains, we completely close up and go into a state of survival. There is no peace, no outreach to whatever is breaking down, and most importantly there is no love flowing out from us during a state of survival. I believe it is very important for us to live life in a way that we get the “bigger picture” of stress so when the unexpected “break down” does happen we are not already at our capacity.

Notice earlier when I was talking about my leg breaking I made note that I was already “steam rolling along”. So when my break happened I was already pushing the edge of my capacity and operating on the border of stress. Why do I do that to myself? Why do I not take one task at a time, stop when I need a break or need a rest, and stay in tune with myself? If I were operating from a place of this peace when my leg broke I would have had the capacity to take a step back and handle the disappointment from a perspective of loving myself and not cursing my situation (and everything around me!).

How do you respond when something in your life breaks down? Do you see a pattern with being “in a hurry” or being “already stressed out” leading up to the point of the break? Do you feel often that “this one thing here was the straw that broke the camel’s back”? Why do we allow ourselves to get to the point that we are so stressed out and working out of such a small window of capacity that when one unexpected thing happens (like a break) we completely lose focus in our minds and freak out?

Recognizing our patterns leading up to “breaks” is very important. We cannot always be the victim in our situations. Things do happen. Things break. It is our responsibility to be operating through our daily life in ways that makes room for things like this to happen without sending us over the edge. When I have my leg appointments in New Jersey I leave 40 minutes earlier than needed because I like to leave room for the inevitable to happen. If there is an accident, bad traffic, a wrong turn on my part, or any other problem I want there to be enough time for me to work around the problem without my capacity window being already full by no time allowance. So by giving myself extra time I am making extra capacity for dealing with the inevitable. Did I just make a wrong turn? No big deal, we have forty minutes to work with. Is traffic slower than usual? I don’t need to tail-end anyone I have extra time!

Do you see how we can take specific actions to enlarge our window of capacity and therefore allow ourselves to live in a stress-free state of mind?

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

The Lord gives us very simple tools that we can apply to our daily lives. He has already given us peace; we need to now operate from that peace. We need to find the tools that are provided for us so that we can live in a state of awareness. Aware of ourselves, aware of God, aware of His Holy Spirit at work in our lives.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Let’s use whatever tools apply to help get us back in the present moment. Let’s stay away from the cliff of stress. Let’s process our feelings in a way that extends grace and peace, allows for disappointment, and doesn’t lash out in anger.

After all, things will break. But we don’t have to.

(Tune in next week for another very specific tool to guide us away from cliffs of stress! https://crutchprints.com/2014/01/16/things-break-but-we-dont-have-to-part-2/)

You know you are an amputee when…Part III

…You wanted to participate in Karate as a kid but were sent to the Partial Arts center instead

…You randomly scratch your head and say “I think I’m missing something”

…Your friends tell you to “hop in the car” you quite literally hop in

…Anytime you go for a pedicure it is HALF OFF and you are willing to argue it!

…The “Bit by a shark” story guarantees you privacy at the beach and you take advantage of it

…People are always “pulling your leg”

…You are approached on a regular basis by Civil War re-enactors looking for recruits in the medical tent

…By donning an eyepatch you are a legit pirate to kids any day

…Counting your fingers and toes becomes a brain tease

…You have woken after a dream of having two legs, went to use the bathroom, then fell flat on your face

Waiting to Live?

Lately I have felt led to volunteer at a local Retirement Home. I have been playing piano for the retirees and then visiting with them after. Nearly every resident that I speak to seems to feel the harsh reality that end of life care can bring. The reality that there really seems to be no purpose in one’s existence coupled with the question of validity from life’s perspective. Two phrases I hear over and over are: “I’m just waiting here to die” And “My whole life, I lived my whole life, for what?”

This is something to ponder in this day and age of entitlement. So many that we encounter on a daily and weekly basis feel as if they are entitled to a certain standard of life. I often hear the words spoken to me, “It sure must be nice to have (or go, or see, or do)…” For years I would defend myself and explain how we have prioritized our money to have the thing that someone else feels it “must be nice” to have. I have explained what great savings we got on a vacation deals because of our patience and persistence in planning along with my canning our own garden food to save X dollars. I have even defended parking in handicap spaces by explaining how difficult it really can be for me sometimes without my leg. But lately, I have stopped defending myself. “Yes, it is nice to be me.” So why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself and be you?

Every single day we make choices that will benefit us down the road. It seems anymore that as a country we are so focused on the “here” and the “now” that we forget to look out towards the horizon. The great “deal” on that plasma TV is not a deal if you consider your credit card debt. Practicing abstinence from smoking and drinking will save you enough money for a 4-5 day vacation including airfare. Eating healthy will provide you the ability to exercise and touch your toes too. But these are choices that we do not choose. So often we choose to live in the now and sacrifice our own futures.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

There really isn’t one person that I have ever seen or talked to when referring to the scripture above about our bodies being temples of Christ and His Holy Spirit that hasn’t harbored guilt. We knowingly abuse our bodies, our homes, our bank accounts, our futures instead of setting ourselves up to make small changes one day at a time. We may be saved and going to heaven but we have an entire life here to live! God gave us very real lives and very real dreams to work towards. Even Adam and Eve were given a joyous task in the Garden before sin ever entered their minds! We are created to work towards our dreams and partner with God so that we may finish the race cheering and full of joy!

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.” 1 Timothy 4:7-8

Since playing at the Retirement Home I also started taking piano lessons to freshen up and boost my ability for the enjoyment of others. Whenever I am looking at a new piece of music to play my sweet teacher, Christine, always recommends that before anything else I break the right hand apart from the left hand to learn the notes and the rhythm. Even after I have the piece together with both hands there are always certain parts that hang me up. She encourages me again to break it down even further in those places into beats, notes, chords. I believe that our life is like that. When we come across things that need to be conquered but seem overwhelming, why don’t we break it down into small notes? We should play one measure at a time and then one day when we put it all together it will create a sound that is not just pleasing to God, but resonates satisfaction within us.

We must start to look farther into the future than a day, week, or even a year. We must start to plan and to live our lives in a way that one day we can be proud of who we are (or were).

The choices that we make can set us up for faith or for failure. It seems we tend to find too many gray areas in our lives. We make excuses and think about things in terms of the amount of immediate gratification we receive. But it isn’t as complicated as we make it out to be. Every single thing that we do in our life will either bring Fruit or Famish; Wisdom or Foolishness; Life or Death. Graham Cooke explains in several of his lectures that there is no such thing as standing still in this life. We are always moving. We are either moving towards God or away from Him.

As I prepare to volunteer this week my heart is extended to the many that I will speak with who feel for whatever reason that their lives were spent in vain. Whatever their past contains and whatever choices they made during their life they now feel that it did not produce fruit. I wonder how I can encourage them at this place in their life. I feel even though they are at the end of their lives with no where to go and nothing to do, many of them can still make an extraordinary difference through prayer. They can make a difference by passing on nuggets of treasure (wisdom) to those of us that are young volunteers and have so much to learn as life continues for us.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10

Today, I challenge you to look at your life. Look at your choices over the past few weeks. Look at where you would like to be and the things you would like to do. Ask yourself if the choices that you are making are going to bring life into the desires of your heart.

Will your dreams be reached by the way you spend your money, your time, your energy? Or will you too, one day, be bitter to the end and look back over your life with tears in your eyes and say, “I’m just waiting to die.”

Living in Longing – The freedom of living in the present

I would like to talk for a bit today about longing. There are so many things that we can long for and it creates this absolutely guttural feeling within us and an aching that resonates through our entire being. There are things that we each long for and have a persistent desire and craving for that goes beyond the simple gratification of a moment. When I think of longing I tend to think of three different categories in my own life. The things that come to mind are my longing for a healthy body with two legs, my longing for a child, and my (since fulfilled) persistent desire for a husband.

“O God, You are my God, earnestly will I seek You; my inner self thirsts for You, my flesh longs and is faint for You, in a dry and weary land where no water is.” Psalm 63:1-3

In regards to my health and body I believe because I am missing one leg I will never stop longing for two. It is only natural for me to dream and pray for the day that I may no longer stand on one foot a kilt off balance. It is a persistent desire and a craving within me to join others when I see them dancing, or to leap for joy when I am very excited! Twenty-five years after losing my leg there are times when I have a dream at night about dancing or running and I awake and savor the feeling of freedom from the dream all morning long. In my heart I ponder those things and replay them in my head over and over imagining that I am about to take a step and what it would feel like. Sometimes I have a flashback of walking as a child and I close my eyes and remember the way one foot follows through after the other and the feeling of the ground beneath two feet. I relish the memories of the textures beneath like dirt, concrete, stones, sand, etc and the way the skin of my feet would respond to the different textures. While walking again on two real feet is something that I will more than likely not experience in this lifetime I still will long and dream for what I believe is natural. I dare to allow myself to crave this and long for these things until the day they come to pass.

Another longing that I have in my heart is for a child. My husband and I have been married for three years and haven’t been blessed with a child as of this writing. I do believe the day is coming but in the meantime there is a longing within me that won’t leave until it comes to pass. We have prepared a room in our house for our child and continue to live with a generational mindset in anticipation. I buy things for our child, I preserve heirlooms for our child, and I even prepare writings for our child in anticipation of reading to him/her one day. Every week I enter our child’s room and spend quiet time glancing around vulnerably at the things we have prepared while praying and seeking God’s miracle in our life. Some days it hurts to even enter the room and my eyes fill with tears as I peek out from my downcast eyelids hoping that all of my preparation hasn’t been in vain. Another thing I find myself doing is enjoying and loving the children that are around us. Enjoying and spending time with nieces, nephews, children in church and friends. Even though every second of the “practice time” is wonderful it only satisfies the craving for but a moment. By the time we head home, alone, my heart is in my knees as I realize that until we have a child of our own the longing will never cease. It is during these times that I physically feel bruised on the inside from longing and aching for a child, my inheritance in Christ. Even still, in the midst of my pain, I long. I dare to allow myself to persist in seeking a child; knowing that the where and when of this is up to God and I must wait for His timing and direction.

Prior to meeting my husband I had my own apartment for four years. I had a career during this time and never seemed to run out of “friends” yet there was an aching within me to share with someone. I longed for the husband that would one day be my own. To me there was nothing inviting about coming home to a dark and empty apartment. I rescued a dog (my sweet Chihuahua Bebo who is with me to this day!) but was disappointed to realize that sharing with my complete nonjudgmental companion did not fill the gaping hole that was meant to be filled by my husband. During this time of longing I cannot even count the number of times I cried out to God from the floor of my apartment in loneliness. Many times I would cook a very nice meal for myself, light all the candles, and eat alone imagining what it would be like to have someone to do that with. Sometimes I would run a hot bath and put on my very best robe and sit there and pray for the man that would one day become my husband, whoever he was, wherever he was. Sparingly I would try to date men knowing full well in my heart that they were not meant to be my spouse but I (unwisely) allowed myself the moment to have someone to share with. As the days and the years passed I allowed myself to long for a husband while trusting God with His timing. No matter how much time passed or how many men I would meet in passing I never allowed myself to stop longing and yearning for the one that God had for me. I knew it was to be and despite the aching inside of me for a true companion I dared to feel those emotions and leave them to God while keeping an eye out for “the one”. Eventually I realized (through my then future-husbands persistence) that “the one” was living nearly 40 feet from my apartment and had been for two years!

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in and adhere to and trust in and rely on God; and trust in and rely also on Me.In My Father’s house there are many dwelling places (homes). If it were not so, I would have told you; for I am going away to prepare a place for you.And when I go and make ready a place for you, I will come back again and will take you to Myself, that where I am you may be also.And [to the place] where I am going, you know the way.” John 14:1-2

“Jesus said to him, I am the Way and the Truth and the Life; no one comes to the Father except by (through) Me.” John 14:6

Recently I began to study the significance of the historical wedding covenant by Jewish culture. When Jesus walked the earth the wedding didn’t happen as it does today, a one day and done deal. There were several steps and sometimes even a year or more of time that would pass prior to the bride and bridegroom beginning their life together. First, the bridegroom would approach the bride’s father and offer a dowry or bride-price for the bride. Once this had been secured there would be a covenant exchanged in which the bride would be set apart for her bridegroom. The two were considered married at this point; it was considered a “done deal” even as the process was just beginning. With the bride being set apart for the bridegroom, the bridegroom would leave her and go back to his father’s house. There he would prepare a place for the bride and make a place for them to live and begin their own life and family. He would work on this for usually up to twelve months at which time the bride’s father would come and approve the living standards for which his daughter would reside.

Meanwhile, the bride would be at home with her father preparing for life with her husband. She would collect items and begin longing for the day her bridegroom would arrive to take her to her home. Even though she lived with her father, at this point she knew in her heart her home and purpose was elsewhere. She would yearn and wait for her bridegroom to come and bring her to the place he had prepared for her. The beauty of this period is that the bride would not know when the groom would come for her. She would continue longing as if he were coming that very day, always on edge, always waiting and keeping watch for him. She would allow herself to long for the one in hopes that soon he would return for her and her dreams would come to pass.

Finally, when everything was prepared to the best of his ability the bridegroom would set out unannounced (often at night) with his friends and servants to come for his bride. Once he arrived there would be a huge celebration and a seven day feast where the marriage would be consummated prior to their departure and the beginning of their life together.

Isn’t this beautiful? I think what makes it so wonderful is the idea that this is how we are referred to in the bible, as the bride of Christ. Jesus came, secured the covenant for us, paid the price on the cross, and went to prepare a place for us. Now, we are waiting, yearning, longing for His return and for him to take the troubles of this season away so that we may begin free as His bride.

Sometimes the things that we long for are the very things that we know are promised to us because of the price our bridegroom paid for us. We are longing for healing; for wholeness; for children as an inheritance; for intimacy and love; and so much more. It is good and it is right to have a longing within us for these things and seek our heavenly Father for that which we know is good!

In your own life what is it that you are longing for? Do you dare to feel those emotions? Do you allow yourself to live “on edge”, in anticipation of, and yearning for God to touch an area of longing of your life?

Do you allow yourself to touch the pain associated with craving and the ache of longing? It is so easy to push our longing onto a shelf and check out emotionally. Yet to be vulnerable enough to process these feelings and allow ourselves to know the ache of longing even in bits will bring us reward and true fulfillment when the day of triumph comes.

“Then the kingdom of heaven shall be likened to ten virgins who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they did not take any [extra] oil with them; But the wise took flasks of oil along with them [also] with their lamps.

While the bridegroom lingered and was slow in coming, they all began nodding their heads, and they fell asleep.But at midnight there was a shout, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Go out to meet him!’ Then all those virgins got up and put their own lamps in order.And the foolish said to the wise, Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.But the wise replied, There will not be enough for us and for you; go instead to the dealers and buy for yourselves.But while they were going away to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were prepared went in with him to the marriage feast; and the door was shut. Later the other virgins also came and said, Lord, Lord, open [the door] to us!But He replied, I solemnly declare to you, I do not know you [I am not acquainted with you].

Watch therefore [give strict attention and be cautious and active], for you know neither the day nor the hour when the Son of Man will come.” Matthew 25: 1-13

Allow yourself to keep looking out the window for your bridegroom to arrive! He may arrive with healing, deliverance, a spouse, a child, financial blessing, a restored relationship, or whatever it is that you are longing for! When he shows up we do not want to be out of oil and out of touch with Him and our emotions! Stand guard and persistently desire that which is good and just and true!

While only one of my three longings have been fulfilled, I can honestly say that having been married now for three years to the love of my life every moment of my longing was worth it. I now look back to those days of crying out from the floor of my apartment and solo candlelight dinners as a joy. They were experiences of faith, intimacy, and seeking God. I will never have the opportunity to long for this and seek God for this again because my longing has been fulfilled. I’m glad that I had the opportunity to worship in my longing because my life has been forever changed not in just the fulfillment but in the process.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth being compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us and for us and conferred on us! For creation (all nature) waits expectantly and longs earnestly for God’s sons to be made known, waits for the revealing, the disclosing of their sonship” Roman 8:18-19

Longing is a very vulnerable place to be. It is scary because we realize there is always that slight possibility that the bridegroom will not show up, and our longing will not be fulfilled. Yet, even in the bible there were many men that did not live to see the promises which they toiled and longed for!

“All these people didn’t receive what was promised, though they were given approval for their faith.” Hebrews 11:39

Yet they didn’t give up their promises or their dreams. They never quit longing and because of them we are able to receive the promises of God through Christ. No matter how scared we are let us dare to crave, persistently desire, and long for those things which are the desires of our hearts. Record our longings in prayers, in journals, ponder them in our hearts, and live in the moment so that we can experience life to the fullest. Our treasure is in the journey. Rather than be immune to the present let us experience true freedom by allowing ourselves to be alive and in the moment.

Let’s look out the window now. Is the bridegroom coming?

Chaos Free Circles – Operating from a place of peace

It is my desire today to write about chaos. Chaos is all around us and affects us in so many ways. For several years I heard from a therapist, “I don’t do chaos” and one day I finally asked her what this meant. It makes sense that we try to stay away from drama and other unnecessary situations that exploit us but it seemed to me that there were situations of chaos in my life that I couldn’t identify until it was too late.

As I started to talk with Fern (DiscoveringMErcy.org) about chaos she was able to break it down for me very clearly. As we discussed the definition of chaos, the categories of chaos, and healthy responses to chaos, clarity began to take hold in my mind. I felt lighter and somehow more free.

To put it simply, chaos is confusion. Anytime there is confusion there are typically indicators of chaos close at hand. Chaos can rear its head in the most common phrase we refer to as “drama”. Conflict, striking, excessive emotion or interaction can be symptoms of confusion and therefore chaos.

Fern started out by explaining to me that there are three circles in all of our lives. The first circle is our own circle labeled: Mine. In this circle are things that only we can control. These include: how we spend our time, our decisions, how we spend our money, our attitudes, our responses and emotions, etc. This circle is our area of jurisdiction and we want to operate from this circle in everything that we do. No one else can be responsible for the things in our circle and we shouldn’t let be them or we are entering chaos. We also shouldn’t attempt to step out of this circle and take responsibility for things outside of our jurisdiction either.

The second circle in our lives is the circle labeled: God’s Circle. God’s circle contains things that only God can control. These include: weather, traffic, provisional needs (i.e. clothing, food, shelter, money), laws of nature (i.e. gravity, tides, daylight), etc. The things that are in God’s jurisdiction are only things that He can change or rule over. It is a waste of time to enter chaos or a “911 state” about something that we cannot control.

“Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes his lightning flash?” Job 37:15

And lastly there is a circle labeled: Others. These are things that only other people can control. These include: their responses, their feelings, their words, reactions, choices, decisions, lifestyles, etc. Only other people can control their own lives and situations and so their circle will contain all of these things.

So what is chaos? Chaos, according to Fern, is when you step out of your circle (MINE) and try to enter into God’s circle or the Others’ circle. When you step outside of your jurisdiction and attempting to either control a situation or react because of a situation that is not in your circle you are in chaos.

If I have planned a picnic for Saturday and when I wake up that day the weather is rainy and windy there is nothing I can do about it. If I start crying and becoming angry and upset then I have left my circle and am dabbling in God’s circle. Only God can control the weather in this example and the proper response would be disappointment and acceptance. No amount of reacting on my part will change the weather or allow for my picnic to proceed as planned. Only God can change the weather. The same would go for being stuck in traffic. As inconvenient as it may be we cannot control it and therefore shouldn’t allow it to disrupt us internally to a point of chaos. After all, no amount of screaming or honking will move the traffic any faster.

An example regarding the “Others” circle is if I am asked to do a favor for someone. The favor would require me to rearrange my whole day so I must utilize my freedom to decline. If I do this and the other person becomes angry and begins arguing with me I have a choice. I can respond and engage in this argument or not. The healthy response is internal acknowledgement that I am not responsible for their anger, their feelings or their situation – and I cannot control them. Choosing to engage in an angry argument which allows me to dabble in the “Other’s” circle to soothe things over for their feelings is entering chaos. Even allowing myself to become upset in such a situation is dabbling in chaos. It is giving power to someone else over my circle (my feelings).

This is a very simple tool that can be used in our relationships. When we understand our circle of jurisdiction and respond to things that happen around us from a place of peace (our own circle) we will quickly see chaos subside. For example, suddenly instead of my whole day being ruined because of a little rain at my picnic we simply move the party to the garage or a friend’s house and keep going. Or instead of engaging in a heated argument of defense about my choice to not rescue someone else I can simply walk away and let the other person deal with their own emotions however they choose while not being or feeling responsible.

I have noticed this illustration in reversal as well. There have been times when someone has stepped outside of their own circle to control my feelings or manipulate decisions that were rightfully mine to make. Having this tool in mind and being able to recognize the situation allowed me to take back my own mind, will, and emotions to operate from a place of peace. Keeping my own boundaries and freedom of choice will always push chaos away.

“Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control” Proverbs 25:28

There are so many scenarios that can be conjured up to explain this tool. Chaos is around us frequently and gravitates towards the web of codependency. Codependent people live in a state of chaos and we must use wisdom to separate from this lifestyle. Clear boundaries are very enlightening because they allow us to get to know what is inside of us. We get to learn about our own personalities and learn what makes us tick. As we get to know our own selves through intimacy (in to ME see) our responses to chaos and things that involve the God and Other circles will become second nature.

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” Psalm 139:1-2

Drama free? Chaos free? Codependency free? Remember, it is a journey of intimacy (in to ME see).

“He grants peace to your borders and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.” Psalm 147:14

Three other reads about codependency and relationships:

https://crutchprints.com/2013/10/12/do-relationships-require-rescuing/

https://crutchprints.com/2013/11/14/operating-from-a-healthy-standpoint-providing-feedback/

https://crutchprints.com/2013/11/19/warriors-are-made/