I Ain’t Got a Leg to Stand on…

I Ain’t Got a Leg to Stand on…

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If you have followed my blog for any amount of time you know the struggle with my leg.  Not my real one, my fake one.  I truly do not even understand how something that isn’t even real can constantly send you such unhealthy vibes.  First I have a leg, and then I don’t.  Insurance pays for all of my leg, and then they rescind that idea and will pay for none.  I find a doctor and then find out it was a scam.  In one article I am praising God for giving me a leg and then being squashed and discouraged the next when insurance informs me that they won’t pay for it going forward.  Yikes!  I’m tired of talking about it and I know you all must be ready to scream, “MOVE ON!”  It is absolute emotional/physical torture re-adjusting my lifestyle based on whether or not I have a fake leg financially paid for.

Just to be clear on where we are in the slump; Right now, as of today, as of this hour, I have a leg that is too big for me since I’ve lost weight using it and it needs repairs that insurance will not pay to have completed.  I do wear my leg once in awhile for things that are impertinent to have two legs for (as if it ever were not a priority!) such as vacuuming, grocery shopping, etc.  When this leg breaks, as of right now that is it, no more fake leg until I can muster up another way to get it paid for.**

But a few months ago when I was so angry about the latest slump that came along I prayed about it and decided that it was not going to define me.  Usually I judge myself and I hear others say things that reflect the idea that my faith and spirituality are linked to God providing a fake leg.  It’s as if having a fake leg is a way to measure God’s happiness with me and my performance.  If I am doing well then God gives me a leg.  I must be doing all the right “spiritual” things and praying right if I have a leg.  I’ve been rewarded a little treat, a fake leg, for being a good girl.  But it just hit me the other month that this simply isn’t true.  God gives everyone else two legs without them ever lifting a finger (or a bible study or a prayer meet, just sayin’!) in the womb!  So why would my receiving a fake leg be some sort of indicator as to my spiritual health?  My fake leg is not a stamp of God’s approval of my behavior.  God promises to provide for our needs, who says this is an absolute need every step of the way?  (Pun intended)

 “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)

 In our weaknesses He is made strong.  God sees the “holes” that we need filled and He alone will fill them.  Our weaknesses are sometimes allowed to be there so that He simply can be that for us.  As parents we sometimes allow our children to struggle to open a jar of jelly, even if we know they can’t do it alone.  Why do we do this?  We let them build their strength, we let them learn to persevere and work for what they want; we let them learn how to ask for help.  We also need God’s help in certain areas of our lives and it is OK to rely8-august-5 on Him.  It is OK if he doesn’t give us super strength to open every jar of jelly that we want to open on the first try.   It doesn’t mean we are lacking in faith any more than it is the child’s fault for not being strong enough to open the new jar of jelly!  Would you yell at the child trying to open the jar “Have faith!  Try harder!  You aren’t praying enough!”?  It is not the child’s fault, the child simply is afflicted with condition called “being a child”.  Then parents step in according to their measure of strength (a condition called “adulting”) and open the jar if the child needs it open.  It is OK to be God’s kid and to not have every single external area of our life under control.  That’s how God gets to be God.  It is how he gets to show us that He has us in the palm of His hand.  I’m saying that sometimes we think we need the jelly jar opened and we really don’t!

 “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  ….No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.”  Romans 8:35,37(NLT)

 When I have a fake leg that is working well for me and paid for; that’s great.  When I don’t I feel strongly that I should research and do my part, then leave it in God’s hands.  He isn’t angry at me or unhappy with me on one leg verses two.  It isn’t that God doesn’t understand my struggle without a leg.  He simply sometimes “allows in His wisdom what He could easily prevent with His power” (Graham Cooke).   Parents, in their wisdom, sometimes allow kids struggle without success opening the jelly jar before supper even though they could easily prevent that suffering with the power in their hands and arms.  Not every jelly jar should be opened when we want it opened.

I was pretty surprised a few months ago when I was praying about this and praying about where to turn next to look for insurance coverage for my leg.  I was so blessed God dismissed the debt owed on my current leg (insurance miraculously paid the balance) but was so adamant that because He removed that debt I would find coverage for the repairs I knew I was about to need.  I was praying hard and searching everywhere.  One morning I felt the Lord speak to me so clearly.  He reminded me of the words in my testimony, “THIS BATTLE IS NOT YOURS, QUIT FIGHTING.”  “What?!  It isn’t mine?  Am I to lay down and take this?!” I thought.  “If you aren’t providing this then I clearly need to do more and make sure it is provided for me!”  But that was it.  God was silent.  He had spoken His piece and left me to align the rest of my being with that peace.

Of course, as I wrestled with what He had spoken to me I realized that perhaps, just maybe, God did know something that I didn’t.  Maybe He knows the Hip Disartic socket would not be good for my body long term. Perhaps He has something lined up in the future that requires for me to walk this trail for now.  What if He knows that my body, being under extreme stress whenever in the leg, will break down because of that stress?  Maybe I will not be able to reach people or spark healing in hearts on two legs like I can on one?  Perhaps my reliance on Him and inability to be super-active on two legs keeps me focused on writing and the life of stillness I so firmly believe in.  Who knows? I sure don’t.  But God does.  I felt that I was to let this battle rest for a bit and realign my self-worth with being God’s child.

 “ Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite happy about ‘the thorn,’ and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong—the less I have, the more I depend on him.”  2 Corinthians 12:10 (MSG)

 Yet I hear well-meaning friends and strangers tell me over and over “well if your faith is in the right place God will provide you a leg.”  What a bunch of baloney!  God doesn’t have to

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That look when you realize you are believing a lie!

make me look normal to prove that He loves me and is a good provider.  He doesn’t have to open the jelly jar for me every time I want Him to.  He is God and I trust Him to guide me where there are “thorns” and “holes” in my physique and daily lifestyle to be what I need.

Sometimes we so easily look at the things we are going through and the things that other people are going through and we are quick to pass judgment.  It is easy to see someone that has an obvious “hole” in their life and assume that is their own weakness.  It is easy to assume they aren’t doing enough to fix their life.  It can be even easier to give them directives in what we think they should do, not considering what God may want for them.  What if God keeps that hole there in their life?  What if God is working and doing something there that is far greater than the very best they could do in full strength?  Maybe their faith is extremely strong and resilient as they focus on treasure in heaven and the things God calls them to rather than filling in all the materialistic “holes” in their life.

I’m not advocating for laziness.  I’m not advocating for being a victim.  I am advocating for reality.  Real Christians do not always get what they want.  God does not always hand us the Jelly Jar already opened.  He builds strength and character in us by allowing us to try opening it ourselves.  It doesn’t mean we are societal weak or losers, it just means that He is honing our strength.  That strength may not be physical, but I can promise you that the internal strength of resilience, self-discipline, and character building are much more valuable than having two legs to stand on.  Regardless of where we are in our journey, God’s love is not dependent on our performance.

Since aligning myself with the reality that my relationship with God has nothing to do with whether or not I have a fake leg to stand on, I’ve noticed ways that I too have pushed wrong thinking on others in the same way it has been done to me.  “Pray every day for God to heal you,” I have “encouraged” friends that are ailing.  “Surely God will not allow for this to continue, read scripture and surround yourself with truth,” I’ve been found saying.  “They really need to get X area of their life under a tighter rein if they call themselves Christian,” I’ve caught myself thinking.  No, Ashly.  Those words are not inspired by the Holy Spirit when the thinking behind them is aligned with performance-based love.  They are instead subtle arrows of shame directed at the hearts of my loved ones whispering “you must do more, you must be more, God won’t love you unless you are better”.

09-september-2016-131piknikShame and condemnation are very bitter roots that take hold and affect our whole person.  It is so freeing now to think about my leg without falling into shameful thinking and keeping scores of my shortcomings.  Remembering that Christ died once for all sin (1 Peter 3:18) is an antidote to condemnation.  Knowing that nothing can separate us from God’s love (Romans 8:35) is freedom from shame.

I may not have a leg to stand on…but I know the One who does!

 

 

*Reflective Moments:

  •  Do you tie your identity and acceptance from God with your behavior?  In what ways?
  •  When you notice faults in others do you immediately criticize or “encourage” that person to do x,y,z?
  •  Do you believe that a person’s level of exterior success is a direct indicator of God being pleased with them?
  •  Are you always telling your friends what they “ought to do about X”, or do you spend your time loving and encouraging them in the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5)
  •  How can you allow your choices and emotions to line up and be “ok” with your weaknesses?
  •  Do you have any “Jelly Jars” you are trying to open without God’s help?   Do you have “Jelly Jars” that you want open that maybe God isn’t ready to open?

*If you are an amputee and know the struggle of having your identity and self-worth tied up in prosthetic provision I would love to hear your story below!  If you are a “regular person”, as I call all two-legged friends, but have found performance-based love an obstacle in your journey with God please let me know!  I want to hear from everyone!

(**Please do not write to me about the million and one insurance and protesting options out there because – believe me –  I have and continue researching, have done this for 27 years, and am well networked with people that know this game.)

 

 

Amputee Stories from the Gym

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Since I began exercising at the YMCA nearly a year ago I have gathered many stories and interesting moments along the way there.  When you have one leg and are new to a place you quickly become a superstar and everyone learns your name…or at least that you are the “girl with one leg”.  It has been very interesting and I’m learning to take it all with a grain of salt because soon the novelty of my awesomeness will wear off and I’ll be back to depending on comments from you, dear readers, for encouragement!

This collection is for humor and irony only.  Please do not feel sorry for me or apologize for fellow two-leggers.  Just read it, chuckle with me, and walk away with a smile today!

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There was a woman that approached me one day and stopped me from walking on the treadmill.  You could see that I had only one leg, she said, but she still wanted to introduce herself to me.  She then asked if I was a native citizen.  Mmmm…is there another planet that contains civilizations of deformed people?  Perhaps Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Amputees are from Planet X?  While I was trying to tie all of this together in my mind she hurriedly explained that I simply look very exotic and she thought perhaps I was Egyptian, Muslim, or Indian.  This only caused further awkwardness in my face as my mind attempted to understand how it was that this lady considered “Muslim” a race of people rather than a religion.  Exotic looking…is that a compliment or a freak show?  I never did figure this one out and whenever I see this (confused) citizen I find myself becoming engrossed in my workout in a whole new way!

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The next week I noticed there was a man there that would always go out of his way to talk to me.  He was very kind and I noticed he would begin to use exercise machines near me each day so we could chat.  It was great to chat a bit about the day, about God, and then move on to focus on our workouts.  I thought I had a real buddy there.  Within a week I started to wonder if this new pal of mine actually knew I had one leg or not.  It reminded me of back when I used to date as a teenager (and used a prosthesis full time) because there was constantly this cloud overhead about when to have “the talk”.  One would think that “the talk” would and should involve things like sexually transmitted diseases, past marriages, serial murdering, etc.  But amputation also seems to fall into this category for most one-legged people trying to date. (I actually just read a “Dear Abby” column by an amputee a few weeks ago in the Lancaster Newspaper asking when the right time was to tell a date about the fake!)

Of course, I found the movie Deuce Bigalow quite horrifying as a teenager because the woman never told her boyfriend she was an amputee until quite an awkward bedroom scene where the leg fell off into his hands.  The horrors!  (I think I was the only one in the movie theater NOT laughing that day as I realized the truth behind it.)  I started to realize that the same “full disclosure” was interestingly flowing now into formed friendships as well.  Mmmm…when is the right time to tell a new workout pal that I am an amputee, I wondered.  The next day it was taken care of for me.  My pal was waiting for me at the end of the hallway and I was running behind.  I came out of the pool area into the hall to give a heads up looking a bit like a drowned and very wet rat.  Having just left the pool, of course, I had my crutches and no leg on.  I smiled and before I could get a word out he was gone!  Gone!  He snatched his gym bag shot out the door.  The EXIT door.He left the YMCA right there in front of me.  I have seen this “pal” since but he will not make eye contact or even talk to me.  While this is overtly rude of him and I should probably hold him accountable for this extremely ignorant behavior, I think I will much rather to wait until we pass in the hallway and then jump at him and say “Boo!!!”

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I asked and the gym decided to give me a little room for privacy and changing.  A room that I could leave my prosthesis in and have privacy to change without the outright stares of others.  After countless stares and questions from women and children in the locker room I was quite relieved for this small mercy.  They hung a key in the office and let me know it would work on any of the four private family changing rooms.  No, not the case.  The key apparently only worked on ONE of the four doors mentioned.  But not knowing that I changed by hap chance in a different room one day.  I had gotten dressed at home and put my leg on, went to the gym, took my leg off, put my bathing suit on, came out of the room, and the door would not lock.  Well I couldn’t very well leave my leg and clothes in the room for anyone to walk in on while I1098401_436921399757385_2012399883_n swam!  (I could envision kids playing with my leg or adults screaming with shock when entering!)

I went to the office and found a young man on duty.  Geez, this gets better and better, I thought, No women on duty.  Asking this fellow to come and check the door for me was bad enough, but when he also couldn’t get the door to lock I knew I was doomed.  He told me to change rooms.  There is no way I’m going to undress again, put my leg on, move my stuff ten whole feet, take my leg off, and redress into my bathing suit AGAIN then do it one more time when I get out of the pool, I fumed.  All of which made me blurt out to the poor twenty-something guy “Hey, you have to carry my stuff…and my leg to the other room.”  The poor guy went white.  He was already white but when it dawned on him what I was asking the blood drained out of his face.  He was standing there looking at a replica of a real leg, with pants and shoes still attached, and now a strange lady was demanding he touch it?  She wanted him to move her body parts?  Poor guy, I felt bad for him and was beet red myself, but I knew this was the only option and he couldn’t say no.  He approached my leg gently and asked, “ok, so how do I do this?” to which I snapped, “You just pick it up, man, c’mon it’s not that hard and it will give you a great dinner time story for later…please!”  He graciously, albeit so awkwardly, did end up moving my leg for me and there were many awkward weeks of downcast-eyed “hellos” after this until my husband went with me to the gym one day and personally thanked him.  Now all is good.  I guess the bonding of manhood with my husband over a strange leg somehow helped this kid realize that if my husband can do it every day that he could do it just once.

I would like to tell you that was the only time that ever happened but it did happen again.  The next time my little office buddy was not around and I ended up having one of the lifeguards help me, a guy in his forties.  He was a little more mature about it and was eager to help a beautiful damsel in distress which helped me save a little face.  Most women seek help with doors or changing tires, I need my leg handled.  Eh, to each her own, right?

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Having strange men carry my leg around did lead me to the more rational conclusion that I should probably change back to the general locker room again.  In my mind I figured that if I kept running into these locked room problems sooner or later the guys would wonder if I had ulterior motives to having my leg handled.  I most certainly did not, but people are strange when it comes to this stuff!  (Even in the restrooms if a woman is heading to my stall and sees I just came out and have one leg she will often change stalls or wait for a different one to become available.  That makes no sense, to be afraid of a toilet used by a one-legged person, but whatever.)  So I shifted back to the Ladies’ Locker room and decided to suck it up as much as possible.

One of my favorite stories after making the switch was of a little girl.  See, when I take my leg off it is too big to fit in one of the lockers so I have to set it in a corner next to where I place my belongings while I swim.  I leave the pants and shoe on (as mentioned).  One afternoon as I came back from my swim I walked in behind a young girl, maybe three years old.  She came around the corner and looked at my leg and screamed.  She doubled over at the waist and groaned, “NO, NO, NO, NOT AGAIN, NOT ANOTHER ONE!!”  Her earnestness was so sincere and her (more than slightly) embarrassed mother explained that her daughter assumed there must be multiple people randomly leaving their body parts around, she didn’t understand it was not real, and seriously thought that people were losing their legs.  I absolutely loved this young girl’s perspective and wish that I could trade all of the rude ladies’ comments for the purity in heart of this darling who cried out in distress and pain for anthers loss!

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There have also been a few times on the treadmill that I have been walking happily along and then realized that my pants are around my knees!  Having my entire waist and thigh wrapped in the plastic of the leg I don’t always feel when my pants are no longer in the position that they should be.  I’m constantly making sure I’m not walking around like a side-winder.  The embarrassment is so deep and the flush that it brings to my neck and face is one that rivals that of an oompa loompa (or perhaps Donald Trump in the very least)!  It happened again when I was out in my front yard raking the lawn and a few people drove by the house beeping at me.  I was feeling so happy and waving as I contemplated who they may be and why so many seemed to know me that day.  Of course a few moments later I looked down and realized that with my pants around my knees they may not (hopefully did not) know me at all!  If you ever see me with my pants down please be confident that I am not flirting with you!

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A year later:  Now, in to going to the YMCA, I’m no longer really a novelty.  It has been quite a relief though I am forced to look elsewhere for wonderful stories! There are still some rude people and I get a lot of questions from people like “where is your leg, why aren’t you wearing it, can I watch you get dressed and put it on?” One day though, just once, I think I will approach one of the two legged people and ask if I can watch them get dressed with two legs and let the chips fall where they may!

Do You Want To Be GREAT?

Do You Want To Be GREAT?

This was written in honor of our small group.  I have enjoyed growing with each of you and learned so much from you in the way of praising God, accountability, self-discipline, and growth.  Blessings to each of you!

*If you are approaching this as a devotional I suggest reading Hebrews 11-12:4 prior to reading this article.

 08 August 1Growing in the Lord is so much fun.  It really is, even though all of the obstacles that spur this kind of growth are absolutely detestable.  I heard someone preach a long, long time ago about embracing the journey just as much as the destination.  While this will never be true for me when I’m earthly traveling, I think I do finally understand this in the sense of spiritual traveling.  After all, my destination is heaven and 99.999% of my life will be traveling towards that!  Being content here just as the Apostle Paul was is pretty critical to receiving joy.

 “I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little.” Philippians 4:11-13 MSG

 I have been keeping an open eye out for ways that my life is mediocre lately.  I’ve been looking a lot at Hebrews 11, the great “Hall of Faith”, and recognizing that all of those mentioned in that chapter showed no hint of mediocrity in their life and faith.  They were not “lukewarm” people of God.  As I prayed about this and thought about these men and women of great faith the desire within me grew to become a woman of great faith.  I’m not content just traveling through this life, tossing my baggage onto the claim turnstiles, and waiting in line to be checked at customs.  Nah, that’s not what I want.  I want to make waves, to travel in different ways and not the same way every time. Sometimes I want to lose my luggage and have an adventure with that.   I want to be smiling and joyful every time I encounter a new part of the journey.  Truly, I want to be God’s hands and feet on earth and allow Jesus to look down on me and say “that is a woman of faith”.  I want to go deeper, be disciplined, and catch fire in a way that my passion soars and ignites everyone I encounter.

 What is the antidote for mediocrity?  I’m sure there are many but one of the main ones I have been looking at is self-control.  I don’t mean the kind of shaming and condemning self-control like avoiding the cookie jars before dinner, though that could be a real part of it for some, I’m talking about the true fruit of the spirit.  The kind of self-discipline that develops true spiritual warriors.  God is our Father and teaches us how to self-discipline and live in a way that we do not feed our wants constantly but learn to endure.

 “The worst thing we can do to our children—apart from not loving and believing them—is not to shape their lives in a disciplined manner.  There is no greatness apart from self-control.  Development that does not include personal government will only guarantee our mediocrity.”  (Graham Cooke, Qualities of a Spiritual Warrior, p 29)

 I have never thought of the Israelite's wandering the desert as lacking self-control but in the same book, Qualities of a Spiritual Warrior, Graham Cooke points this out.  He explains (paraphrased) that God had a few choices in dealing with them before they entered the Promised Land.  God could: 1. let them continue into the promised land and become slaughtered because their faith was not in God, 2. allow them to return to Egypt where they more than likely would be slaughtered to set a precedent that Pharaoh doesn’t mess around with escaped slaves, or 3. Take them back to the desert where they could work on self-discipline and training their minds in the way of faith and their children’s minds as well before returning to conquer the land given to them.  Embracing this viewpoint, we see that God wasn’t punishing or condemning the Israelites by having them walk through the desert for another forty years but rather he was saving them!  He was growing them and their children.  It was allowing the older generation to change their minds and die in freedom while pushing their children to possess and receive the fullness of God’s goodness.  It was training for reigning at its best!

 Our attitudes when we face obstacles and difficult circumstances reveal a lot about our own self-discipline.  Are we at peace?  Do we rest in God?  Do we step back and wait to hear what God says about the situation or do we allow our emotions to wreak havoc in our lives and use our words to speak death instead of life?

 “Do not be quick with your mouth; do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.  God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your 07 July 2016 096words be few.” Ecclesiastes 5:2

 How do we become great men and women of faith?  It starts with self-discipline I believe.  It takes discipline to rein in our thoughts.  Discipline to study, truly study, the word of God on a deep level.  We operate in discipline to align our thoughts with who God is for us in our situation rather than allow negativity to be enthroned.  Disciplining and exhibiting self-control in our own lives to be stewards of the things God has given to us (our bodies and health, our relationships, our words, our careers, our finances) allows us to fully worship God without interference.  Our faith can be properly placed in the great I AM when we are equipped to endure all things.

 In Hebrews 11 we read that none of those listed received the promises they were living for. Yet their faith never wavered and they endured.  Noah, when being mocked and laughed at, required self-discipline to continue building an ark that no one had even heard of and he continued in this for 120 years!  Most people give up on a project after a month or two; can you imagine sticking to something for 120 years?  Moses was raised and lived in the palace of Pharaoh his entire life and refused to be identified as anything other than one of God’s people.  From a young age he made a choice and through self-control and faith stood in it.  How about the verse (Heb 11:37) where some were actually sawed in half and never lost their faith?  Now that is faith and endurance!  It is not possible to have endured those things without a strong sense of self-control and discipline!

 “David won and established the kingdom because he had warriors around him, men who knew how to endure.  Living in caves, moving around the wilderness, constantly being hounded and pursued by a megalomaniac and his army.  Living rough, eating rations, going hungry, never sleeping in the same place for too long—it toughened them up.  They learned how to persevere, how to persist in a cause.  They were faithful men—loyal to the king, dangerous against the enemy.  Many Christians cannot tell the difference between warfare, adversity, the work of the Cross, and training for reigning.  They don’t persist; they crumble.  An instant society depletes our strength.  People are in huge amounts of debt because they cannot wait; they have no patience to save money, then purchase.  They mortgage their future to buy trinkets in the present and then declare that god is providing, which may be true.  I mean, MasterCard sound spiritual.  A Visa gives you permission to enter, I suppose.  Servicing the debt denies us true flexibility to serve the Lord.  We are trapped in the model home that we didn’t really need, surrounded by remotes, but with no control over our destiny.  To say yes to Jesus we must also say no to something else.  A YES is always accompanied by a NO.”  (Graham Cooke, Qualities of a Spiritual Warrior, p.73)

 If this isn’t convicting, my friend, what is?  We are so used to putting it all on God and saying “let it go and let God deal with it” that we forget to use the brains that God gave us to use!  We forget that He gave us talents and we are not to bury them!  (Don't Bury Your Talent - Verses and Article Here)

 I don’t want to be a mediocre or lukewarm Christian, do you?  Do you want to stand there on judgment day and know that every bit of what Christ died for was put to use in your own life?  I want to stand there in humility and honesty, knowing that I myself am worth nothing, and tell my Savior that what He did give me I loved him for and invested into the kingdom.  I want to tell him that I did the best I could with my finances, my health, my words, and my marriage.  Not because I am ashamed or condemned but because He died for me to live a better life than the condemned and shamed.

“ God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.  Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.  For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:8-10 MSG

07 July 2016 175Self-control isn’t about taking credit or earning our way into heaven.  It isn’t about living guilt free or even keeping a clean slate before heaven (our sins were covered once and for all at the cross).  (Hebrews 10)  It is about the process of enjoying our life here on earth in the fullest.  It is about doing the “good things he planned for us long ago” that we may fulfill our true purposes.  We enjoy self-control because of the fruit that produces alongside of it:  kindness, peace, patience, joy, love, goodness, gentleness.  (Galatians 5:22-23)

Go deeper, be disciplined, and catch fire in a way that ignites all those you encounter.  Allow your journey to be one that prepares you for greatness.  Take each day in stride to know your choice of self-control and standing in faith are setting you up for greatness.  Step back in each difficult circumstance and find out what provision God has placed there for you to help you endure and eventually overcome.  It is there, I promise.  God will not abandon us to find our way alone.  But being at peace and listening for what He gives us in each circumstance, then praying that into place in faith, will grow you and stretch you beyond your wildest dreams.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV

Don’t Bury Your Talent!

Don’t Bury Your Talent!

 6 june 6 “For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away.  He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more.  So also he who had the two talents made two talents more.  But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money.  

Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them.  And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’  His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’  And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’  His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’  He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed,  so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’  

But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed?  Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest.  So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents.  For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.  And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’”  Matthew 15:14-30

This article and issue is very close to home for me and I see it almost daily in the culture surrounding me.  I continually ask God to examine my own heart as well and seek the best way to be good steward of all the Lord has provided to me.  I don’t usually post an article that directly addresses something in a black/white sort of way.  But I have decided to post this article anyway.  My readers, you are on this journey with me and I know you will provide grace where I am wrong and hopefully walk away with understanding of an issue very dear to my heart.

I feel our culture today has been blinded and is operating under a lie that affects our Christian walk.  Well there are other lies, actually, but this article is only about one.  The lie we accept and tend to believe that I want to discuss here is summed up as: “to each his 07 july 013own”.  Other times I’ve heard it under the catchphrase “live and let live”.  And to a certain extent, I get it.  What makes me happy may not be the same thing that others need to be happy.  We have different personalities and gifts and we can’t all be happy doing the same thing.  Individualism helps the world go-round.  There are parameters in which these phrases can be used and be considered truth.  But in general these are pushed to the extreme in our society to the point of enabling.

I am the type of person that has had to legitimately struggle through each day the past 27 years of my life.  No, you won’t see a whole lot of my struggles slammed on Facebook or my blog.  You won’t see the tears or the hardships that often even my husband doesn’t see.  I don’t want to spend my time honoring the negativity in my life because I am only here to worship God.  But I will say this:  I am not the person inside that I am on the outside.  I am not an amputee on the inside.  I don’t have any of the health issues that my physical body does in my mind.  Yes, sometimes I get up and forget that I have one leg and almost fall.  In my perception I believe that if I had two legs I could be much happier because many of my daily struggles would be gone.  To know what it is to walk without pain or struggle and to have two free hands to simply dangle when I walked would be a huge mood-enhancer for me every day.  Yet there is no “change” operation to fix that (like a sex-change).  Ask any aging person if they feel as old as they look?  Most of them feel like the young person they once were in an odd body.  No cosmetic surgery will add more years to their life.  Aging is a fact of life no matter how unhappy that makes a person.

Likewise, there is no way I can change my identity to NOT be an amputee.  It is the circumstance that God has allowed me to have and I must live with that and work with what He has given me.  I must find ways to be happy, ways to make the most of my life, my health, and the resources that I do have.  In life I must choose to not let depression overcome me or take the drugs freely offered in prescription for the pain.  It doesn’t matter if God intended me to be this way or not, the fact is I am an amputee on the outside and I will stay that way (most likely) the rest of my life.  I need to accept it, grow in spite of it, and move on.  (Without causing a ruckus, you can most likely gather where I stand about transgender and sex-change operations based on this paragraph.)

Of course my disability isn’t as extreme as many, but it is there.  PTSD, Hypothyroidism, Diabetes, 60% Hearing loss, Anxiety, and Hypertension only expound on the already brutal battle that I face each day.  But when help is handed to me or I am given a chance to better myself I still take it. Whether help is in the form of a magazine article I stumble across or a friend helping in my garden.  Why bother?  It won’t make my leg grow back.  This is why: I refuse to allow the external lack of a physical limb determine my quality of life.

When I was diagnosed with any of those conditions listed above of course I was sad.  Of course!  I’m not saying to push through and ignore grieving bad news.  I allow a day or two (no more than a week) to grieve bad news and think about all the ways that my life is affected by that news.  I sympathize and empathize with my situation.  03 march 1 But within a few days of a shocking blow like a diagnosis or other bad news I force myself to pull up my bootstrap (pun intended) and give it to God.  God knows I need another leg, God knows I struggle, God knows my plague.  And he allows this which means that He also provides a way for me to be content and continue growing in spite of it.  Giving it to God doesn’t mean I ignore it or I forget it.   It doesn’t mean that I simply keep on doing what I have always been doing because “God’s got my back”.  No, that is a lie of complacency I will not live.  God gave me a brain (talent) and a means of choosing a lifestyle (investing that talent) that will honor him and make a difference.

When we pray for the homeless we also take them a meal.  If a friend is moving we pray for them and then load up our truck and help them.  Why would it be different in our own lives?  Faith and Deeds go hand in hand, the book of James tells us.  When we pray for healing we also should be evaluating the ways we can make changes, then act on those changes. It isn’t fair to God to shove it all off on him and then bury our heads (talents) in the sand.  It isn’t showing love to God (our master of talents) when we say “I love and trust God to protect me”, and then choose to do nothing (bury our talent) when He has handed us the keys to invest.  He has gifted us with more resources today than any other time in the history of mankind.  It is up to us to make use of them and make our own choices.

If someone asks me if I have heard about a remedy or a way to better myself I always listen.  Even if, after prayer, I do not feel it is right for me.  When I am approached by friends that may see a pattern in my life that is destructive I am careful to take heed and analyze my own heart before God.  It isn’t easy being on the convicted end of things because it requires action on my part.  It requires humility and a willingness to admit that maybe, just maybe, I’ve been making some poor choices.  This is part of investing the talent God has given me.

How can I pray for healing from diabetes if I continue eating processed, carbs-filled meals and snacks that I know will work against that?  How can I continue believing for my thyroid levels to come to normal if I don’t even get off my butt and exercise?  Hypertension can often be controlled/minimized with dietary changes and exercise too!  Now I also must be clear here, I realize a lot of conditions are hereditary but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t partner with God and make changes to the best of my ability while praying for God’s healing touch.  And there are times when I believe God does heal miraculously without an ounce of faith or action on our part.  But in my own life, I have found that in making choices and taking action to partner with God it is THEN that faith is released and provision comes from heaven.  There is no change on earth that will make my leg grow back, but I can keep my body healthy otherwise through healthy choices.  To me, that is true faith.  Doing all I can to partner with God while believing for that which I don’t yet see manifested.

It is NOT easy to be a take-charge person in the midst of struggle.  It is also NOT easy to be a self-motivated person.  In order to be self-motivated we need to be willing to confront the problems we face head on, including the pain they bring us.  I am always amazed at the number of people that I meet either diagnosed with diabetes or predisposed to it that have not made a single change to their lifestyle.  These people always commend me and say

03 march 2016 010piknik
Each Boat displaces water and affects the whole

something like “I am just not self-motivated like you”.  (“To each his own” mentality.)  I used to walk away and feel bad for them but now I have a new response.  “Self motivation?  Well, I live with one leg every day and I know a lot of diabetics lose their legs . I only have one to lose.  What more motivation would be needed? Only YOU can choose motivation.”  Unfortunately, while designed and stated to make people think, more often than not I simply get a response like “I’m trusting God” and a change of subject in response.  We need to wake up!

The biggest lie in the “live and let live” mentality is the root that believes that ones own actions affect no one else.  That is very selfish and immature thinking full of pride.  God’s Word is clear that we are all a part of the a larger body of believers.  (1 Cor 12:27) He makes it clear that we are all important parts of the body and that we need and rely on one another.  There is unity in the body and by definition each part affects the others.  Each of us is surrounded with people that care about and love us.  Whether this group of people is in our church, our friendships, our family, our children, or our work environment, when we are not making the right choices it affects every person around us.  If you do not take care of your body and lifestyle it will affect the people that are around you.  Down the road your children will be the ones affected by either losing you at a young age, or being forced to take care of you physically, or even foot the bill for your care.  When you lie to your family or sweep the past under the carpet then relationships are affected by that neglect and they will not trust you.  When you do not consider being there or helping others that you know full well need help it affects them and will come full circle when you are seeking help.  Why is it that our culture does not seem to see this?  You reap what you sow; why is this most basic and ancient of principles in nature so hard for us to grasp?

Don’t take me wrong: I do not believe in looking down on people in their struggles or being judgmental towards their heart intentions.  Only God can judge a heart, only God can judge a situation accurately.  But I feel we have confused accountability for judgment in such a way that we are now enabling an entire generation.  Accountability is being held responsible for my own actions.  Judgment is different.  For instance, if I go to work and I do not do my job my boss will approach me and correct me.  That doesn’t mean he is judging me or looking down on me, it means he is holding me accountable for my actions.  I had a job to do, I agreed to do that job, I didn’t do it.  The boss is not the “bad guy”, I am.

Shouldn’t the same be true for our loved ones around us?  Shouldn’t we care about friends and family enough to help hold them accountable and be accountable ourselves in the body of Christ to keep all of us moving forward to be best used by Christ?  Under this “live and let live” mentality any truth given in love or any confrontation is immediately labeled as judgment and “UN-Christ-like” behavior.  We forget that Christ himself took the judgment and pain of our bad choices and died so that we can have the freedom to choose a better way of living!

When we ignore the truth and make bad choices we are simply passing on the pain to the people that are near us.  Any parent knows that.  “Kids, you can’t write on the walls because it will decrease the 07 july 003value of our home and it will take me hours to repaint over that which means I will have less time to spend with you”.  Our children have the pain passed on to them when adults choose an affair that splits the home.  Our community is affected in valuation when someone does not maintain their lawn or take care of the home God gave them to be stewards of.  Our country is affected when citizens do not vote for an upstanding candidate simply because they are tired of the campaigning.  And I have already sufficiently covered how our loved ones are affected by conscience unhealthy choices. (When someone is ill then their loved ones have to cook or do the dishes and cleaning.  When someone does not take care of their body as God designed then they are causing their family to be in emotional pain and heartbreak.)  And I can go on and on from here.

Live and let live?  To each his own?  Let’s be real, friends.  Let’s see the doors of opportunity placed before us and go through.  Let’s recognize that it took the son of God to die on the cross to give us this chance to use our minds to make choices of wisdom.  Let’s realize that someone, Jesus, paid the price for us to live in freedom and we are squandering it away in foolishness.  Let’s take the talents given to us and apply them as in the parable!  It’s not always easy, it doesn’t always produce immediate results, but it is right.  I would rather die doing all I can do to be a responsible steward with my life than live a thousand years selfishly consumed and causing destruction around me.

Receiving Grace and what God has done for us doesn’t mean complacency.  It means partnering with God, through faith in Jesus Christ, in wisdom.  It means being responsible for ourselves and our own actions.  It means being accountable and wanting to move towards Jesus and peace with others.  Live and Let live?  I want to change that to a new phrase:  “Live and Choose LIFE”.  To Each His Own?  Nah, I am God’s Own.  True life in Christ is a life worth living.

Prayer & Contemplation:

6 june 2

  • Have I said “Live and Let Live” before?  Has the idea of this phrase permeated my own thinking in an ungodly way?
  • What areas of my life am I complacent?  What ways have I buried talents and not partnered with God for change in my life? 
  • Spend some time in Worship.  Thank Jesus for what He died for.  Allow the truth of His sacrifice to wash over you. Meditate on the ways that He paid the price for us to make free choices to honor God.
  • Am I enabling people around me by not holding them accountable for their choices?  Am I picking up slack from their bad choices that God doesn’t want me picking up?  How can I bring truth and boundaries to those relationships?
  • Take time to list the problematic circumstances you face and pray for.  Ask God if there is anything you can do to partner with Him while praying for the outcomes.

His Thoughts

 His Thoughts

I wrote this poem June 14, 2016.  My devotional that day assigned me to write briefly about how God may think of me.  This is what flowed out of that time sitting in my back garden in the cool of the day.

6 june 9

  • When my chin is down, my face forlorn,

You never stare at me with scorn.

You see each part of me you knit,

And smile above in love and bliss.

  • The scars, the flaws, the fears I see,

Are far removed from memory.

In grace and peace I feel the sun,

And realize this journey has just begun.

  • As I delight in your creation here,

I sense above the atmosphere,

A change in me to know your thoughts;

For I was chosen and then bought.

  • Free of constraints and limitations,

I can lift my hands in adoration.

You, Oh Lord, above all things,

To you alone my heart will sing.

  •  Reveling in, basking in, receiving your smile,

Here I may just sit for awhile.

To you who knew all my days before,

All praise and worship forevermore.

 

  • As I delight in your creation here,

I sense above the atmosphere,

A change in me to know your thoughts;

For I was chosen and then bought.

Staying Shadowed

 

05 may 2016 1Rick and I lead a small group with church every few weeks as a way to get in the Word and connect in life-giving relationships.  We have been using a technique called “Lectio Devina”(Latin for Divine Reading) which was introduced to me by our Pastor, Mervin Charles.  Graham Cooke describes this as “…an ancient way of reading the Bible – allowing a quiet and contemplative way of coming to God’s word.  Lectio Devina opens the pulse of the Scripture, helping readers dig far deeper into the Word than normally happens in a quick glance-over.” (Beholding and Becoming, p 56).  In short, we take a section of scripture and meditate on it in every area of our life for four weeks (two sessions) and discuss how God is changing or speaking to our hearts through the chosen scripture.

The past four weeks we have been looking at Psalm 91 (showing v. 1-2 below):

 “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.”

 As our group discussed this Psalm I realized that all of the protection listed in the poem and all of the things God will do are contingent upon us dwelling in the shelter of the Most High.  Without our conscience choice to trust God we are stepping out from underneath the protection and grace that He provided to us through the finished work of the cross.

How many areas of my life are unprotected?  How many times do I step out from His protection and grace and try to handle things myself?  Do I quickly notice when my mind or attitude drifts away from God’s perspective on things?

Here in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania spring is in full-swing.  I’ve began to take notice the past few years of the different types of flowering trees and shrubs in the springtime along with characteristics of those.  One that I absolutely love is a white dogwood tree.  The pink dogwood trees are more domestic trees and often used in landscaping, but the white

5 may house 025
My flowering Dogwood Tree

ones are typically wild and you can see them growing alongside of the road or woods.  Of course, because the flower is so beautiful in the spring and the leaves are very vibrant in the fall many people take these and plant them in their front yards for accent.  As a matter of fact, we have one growing in our back yard in direct view of the window at the kitchen sink.  Each day I look out at this beauty and contemplate the amazing view while cooking or doing the dishes.

Now where my Dogwood grows there is a larger tree that grows directly next to it.  It shadows it and I feel it takes away from the beauty of the smaller but full dogwood.  I wanted to cut it down  to get it away from my stunning dogwood.  I began looking around as I drove places at other Dogwood trees and could see that my tree is of exceptional beauty and quality.  It is much larger than most white Dogwoods I have seen in this area and the number of flowers on my tree is of great quantity!  “Such a treasure, in my own backyard,” I thought, “if only we can cut down that bigger over-shadowing tree and allow this gem to shine and sparkle on its own!”

I voiced this opinion to an older man in the family when he came to visit.  We were sitting out back and he mentioned how extraordinary the Dogwood tree was compared to the ones he has seen in his long life.  The size, the amount of buds, the healthfulness was “really something” he said.  He went on to explain to me the secret of Dogwood trees.  He said that Dogwoods do not grow well standing alone.  They like to have a larger, older tree shadowing them.  While they do like some morning sunshine, under the protection of the larger tree they find relief from the harsh afternoon sun, wind, and other environmental elements.  To have a very large Dogwood tree means the older tree is truly protecting it and shadowing it perfectly.  “If you cut down that bigger and more unattractive tree,” he warned, “you may as well kiss this beauty goodbye within a few years.” 

As I have meditated on Psalm 91 over the past few weeks the word “shadowed” in the first verse has reminded me of this Dogwood.  Each time I enter the kitchen and look out the November Longwood 2014 010window I have thought about this in a new way.  When I am driving down the road I also think now about the Dogwoods I have come across and whether they are shadowed in a healthy way and are set up for growing into an exceptional gem like the one in my yard.  Sure enough, the Dogwoods standing alone in yards are straggly and wiry at best.  The wild Dogwoods I see popping up randomly are much the same.  But I have seen a few that are under the shadow of an older tree that allows just the right amount of light through without extreme wind.  These are thriving and while at different points of their growth process/journey I can tell they are destined for a healthy and full cycle each year.

Finding rest in the shadow of the Almighty and trusting Him doesn’t always seem to be the easy choice at first glance.  It seems that if we just would push harder and allow our roots to grow deeper that we would bloom just fine on our own.  Yet the fact remains that there are a lot of harsh environmental factors in the world today.  The sun is hot, the winds blow hard, and in fighting to survive we often do not thrive.  But in the shadow of the Almighty we can rest from those things and trust not in where we are placed but in who God is: the Mighty Cedar or Oak standing above us.  He will be our protector and in His shadow we can reflect His image and grow to be the great ones that He created us to be.  What we think we need is not always true so why not trust in the perspective of our shelter who grows taller than us, sees far more than us, and can keep the coming harsh weather from battering us about.  Why would we try to be something that we aren’t?  That is the hard path, not resting in the Shelter of the Almighty and simply growing as it comes natural for us to do.

I thought that I knew best for that dogwood.  I really thought that I could help it to grow and to be its very best if I just got rid of the excess baggage/tree limbs hanging over and around it.  In doing that I really would not have had the tree’s best interest at heart.  We are like the Dogwood trees, I believe.  We need to trust in our Protector and rest in the shadow and covering provided.  It may not look like what we want it to and it may not even be understood by others (an uninformed visitor once questioned me about why I don’t chop down the ugly tree next to my Dogwood), but it is the only way for us to bloom and thrive.

 “The trees of the Lord are well cared for— the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.” Psalm 104:16

Friends First

Friends First – Miracles Second

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Through many years as a Christian I have heard the story of Lazarus in many sermons.  It seems to be a universal bible story that most people, however unfamiliar with the bible, are at least faintly acquainted with.  Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.  That was a great thing.  It was an unexpected mercy that God showed to Mary and Martha that day.  But there is another part of this story that I have never thought about before or even seen before in scripture until recently, one that I have not heard preached before.  When I stumbled upon this I was so excited to share this with you, dear reader!  It gives the framework to a message very deep in my heart that I have wanted to write but had not, until now, found words for.

Here is part of the story in scripture (John 11, NASB, emphasis mine):

30 Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha met Him. 31 Then the Jews who were with her in the house, and consoling her, when they saw that Mary got up quickly and went out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. 32 Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and [h]was troubled, 34 and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him!” 37 But some of them said, “Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind man, [i]have kept this man also from dying?”
38 So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. 39 Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” 41 So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.” 43 When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth.” 44 The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”

There the two words cropped up that I had never seen before in this story, nor heard highlighted by others:  Jesus wept.  Why would Jesus weep?  Jesus knew, being all-powerful God in a body, that he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead.  He knew that in a moment more the tears would be wiped away and that there would be rejoicing!  He, who saw the bigger picture of what His Father in heaven was doing, was “moved in spirit and was troubled” and wept.

This has revealed more to me about the heart of Jesus than any other thing recently.  Mary and Martha were considered friends of Jesus.  Jesus stayed at their home and seemed to be comfortable in their presence.  He had built a bridge of relationship with them strong enough to hold spoken truth (when he commended Mary for sitting as his feet and admonished Martha for being too busy).  These were friends of his.  And Jesus was a true friend.

It is no foreign concept that during good times friends are abundant but in tough times to find a friend is to find a treasure.  People are afraid, specifically in our western culture, to connect emotionally to pain.  And we all have done it or partaken in this kind of awkward friendship-encounter before.  We’ve been to funerals were we awkwardly shook the hands of the mourning at a complete loss for words, brimming with anxiety to get out as quickly as possible.  We’ve kept our distance knowing a friend is struggling with cancer because we just don’t quite know what to say or what they need (often telling ourselves if they need us they will reach out).  We’ve often been a part of basing friendships on “doing things together” rather than connecting over a cup of tea and scripture because those dreaded-loch-ness-emotions may rear their heads and we wouldn’t know what to do with them.  Emotions are difficult and it is much easier to shove them down and keep moving than facing the truth and the fears that our friends are facing with them.  Western culture has taught us to be ruled by our head and not our emotions which surely does have its benefit but I often wonder, since God created emotions, what the downside of that is.

Many years ago therapists and counselors were few and far between, not to mention unattainable.  My grandmother Duncan always said, “We didn’t have counselors but we had true friends.  And we talked.”  I am not at all discrediting counseling or therapists, I also see a therapist from time to time and work through many of the effects of trauma, but since surrounding myself with true friends I have been able to see God’s healing come in a new and living way.

As a disabled person I come across a lot of issues that simply do not have answers.  There are insurance battles (like the one I am in now) and there are financial burdens that no matter how much we tighten our belt we cannot meet.  There are bodily phantom pains that I can’t explain and emotional stress that causes duress.  One thing that my husband and I 03 march 2016 174piknik.jpghave found over and over throughout our journey is that “people just don’t get it.”  They don’t want to because it can be scary.  To see an amputee pushing through and struggling is scary.  “Could this happen to me?  What would I do if I could not control my life?”, they think.  When someone has broken a foot or ankle they approach me with respect saying things like “I have no idea how you do this every day, this is SO hard!”  They connect with me emotionally and reach out sharing their hardships and their pain and seek reassurance in knowing I’ve been down the road they travel.  And it is true, but when the caste comes off and they are back to living life as normal they move on and no longer remember that my situation is permanent and will not go away.  Suddenly, to connect emotionally is taboo. To hear about or see a struggle of mine is overwhelming again and scary so it must be quickly dismissed with a superficial solution or a religious label like “keep on praying”, “God provides”, “someone is always worse off”, or “where there is a will there is a way”.  All true, but the emotions of the struggle are still there and still real and sometimes we just need someone to WEEP with us and then REJOICE with us.

Of course my article is going to use my own life as an example but the reality is that wherever I go people say things to me like, “I just want to be heard, I don’t want anyone to

03 March NYC 025piknik
9/11 Trade Center Museum – Connecting with the pain of the people

fix it.”  Have you felt this way?  Have you had a need to vent and be understood?  While my writing will reflect my personal life it is also reflecting the general atmosphere around me in what I hear people saying.  People are increasingly replacing connecting on a heart-level with superficial acquaintances.

Job is someone that needed to be heard.  In the book of Job we read about how he lost everything, more than I can even imagine losing.  He needed friends and needed to be heard but his friends met with him and they had suggestions for him.  They suggested Job had sin in his life.  They suggested that Job wasn’t living right.  They claimed that God does not cause the just to suffer.  They told him exactly how to appeal to God for mercy.  They were busy suggesting things to do and ignoring the pain of Job’s heart.  Job replies in chapter 6:14-17, 24-26:

 14 “Anyone who withholds kindness from a friend
forsakes the fear of the Almighty.
15 But my brothers are as undependable as intermittent streams,
as the streams that overflow
16 when darkened by thawing ice
and swollen with melting snow,
17 but that stop flowing in the dry season,
and in the heat vanish from their channels.
 24 “Teach me, and I will be quiet;
show me where I have been wrong.
25 How painful are honest words!
But what do your arguments prove?
26 Do you mean to correct what I say,
and treat my desperate words as wind”

 Under the covenant of law and condemnation there is no room for grace or true friendship.  There is only what you do and what you don’t do correctly.  Under the covenant of Jesus, of grace, there is in place of that who Jesus is and what Jesus has done.  (Concept Influenced by Joseph Prince preachings.)  Job’s friends were there physically for him but they were so focused on the law of Moses and so afraid to imagine (oh the horrors, what if this happened to them?!) that a good person could be suffering for no cause of their own that they weren’t there for Job’s heart.  They weren’t hearing him and standing beside him, they had distanced themselves from him and had become onlookers to his pain rather than friends.

But Jesus, being a true friend, wept with Mary and Martha and the others present.  He wasn’t afraid to feel the pain of his friends and be moved by their pain and experience that pain alongside of them.  In this case, Jesus even had the answer!  Most of us don’t have the answer when our friends are in pain.  We can only mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those that rejoice knowing that Jesus paid the price for resurrection and victory over death.  But if Jesus wasn’t afraid to connect emotionally and allow Mary and Martha to be truly heard in the depths of their hearts why are we afraid to connect with one another?  Is this perhaps one of the reasons that friends are so few and far between in this age of technology and busyness?  Is this why millions of us pay therapists and counselors to simply allow us to talk and provide reasonable “out of the box” guidance in our life?  I wonder.

In the book “Safe People” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend there is a great section on friendships (p.166), they write:

 “Friends give us what we need in the areas of acceptance, support, discipline, modeling, and a host of other relational ingredients that produce change.  But in picking good friendships that produce growth, several qualities are important:
  •  acceptance and grace
  • mutual struggles, although they do not have to be the same ones
  • loving confrontation
  • both parties need other support systems as well to avoid the same kind of toxic dependency on each other that led to the problems
  • familiarity with the growth process where both parties have ‘entered in’ and have some knowledge of the process so as to avoid the blind leading the blind
  • mutual interest and chemistry, a genuine liking
  • an absence of ‘one-up and one-down’ dynamics
  • both parties in a relationship with God
  • honesty and reality instead of ‘over spiritualizing’
  • an absence of controlling behavior
 Friendships of this kind are an absolute must for our spiritual growth.”

 As I read through this list I am again struck by Jesus’ willingness to weep and to allow Mary and Martha (and the others) to experience the fullness of their emotions without trying to put a cap on it.  He could have stopped them and said, “Oh ye of little faith!” or even simply tried to comfort them and stop them from shedding tears with pats on the shoulder and comments of, “There, there now, don’t cry, it’s going to be OK.  It’ll work out”.  But Jesus didn’t do any of that.  He didn’t over-spiritualize their pain or admonish their faith.  He didn’t hush them up or control their behavior.  He didn’t insist God is in control and knows best/has a purpose.  Instead He provided acceptance and grace, a genuine liking of them, a loving confrontation of weeping with them right where they were.

I want to be a friend like Jesus.  I want to weep with those who weep…even when I know God is in control and he will work out each thing to the good of those that love him (Romans 8:28).

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My two Chihuahuas are an excellent example of friends!

I want to stand there and hug a friend that is having a hard time and cry with her and not have to shoo away the emotions and the tears.  I want to be there for those that have been strong and courageous in battle with the Lord but yet are in a place where there is no logical explanation for their suffering.  How about you?  Do you want to be a friend like Jesus was?

I have a friend like this.  Her name is Maribel.   Right now my insurance company does not want to pay any more than 50% for my prosthetic leg.  This will leave my husband an I with more than $10,000 a year out-of-pocket expenses just to keep me walking (not counting my other medical

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Celebrating friendships

expenses like hearing aids, medications, doctor visits, etc.)  I have been so sad about that because it means that I may not have a fake leg after this one breaks.  While I will do my best to partner with God and see what I can work out (including contacting politicians), it is still hard and it is heartbreaking.  Why, after surviving cancer and nearly dying, fighting for 27 years to be healthy and live with an amputation, having to struggle through daily life to perform even the most basic tasks in an adapted and often difficult/stressful way, do I still have to suffer?  This is real life, this is hard!  Some have told me that I am not believing right, I do not have enough faith, I am not doing enough.  Some have pointed out that I should do what I have to even if it involves acquiring an everlasting debt of finances just to walk.  Some have said I need to sit back and do absolutely nothing but pray because that is true trust.  Basically, as mentioned above, people say anything to avoid connecting to the truth and the reality that there is suffering happening and I am grieving a loss of something.  They will try to fix it quickly and justify the situation in their minds to soothe their fear and avoid the reality that sometimes there isn’t an answer. Many “friends” will do anything to brush off the pain and find a quick solution so they themselves are never forced to stop and realize that they could be in my situation one day.  After all, what does a four-year old child do wrong to deserve cancer and amputation?

One friend though, wept for me.  She has known me for many years and known the depth of my struggle.  She rejoiced with me when we married a month apart, as we purchased our first home, as I garden and can.  I rejoice with her as she sends updates on her wonderful sons and sees a marriage ever-growing in Christ’s love.  We meet every so often and we pray and lift up the desires of our heart to God together in agreement.  We laugh and we cry together, we share and we care.  When she learned of what I am facing she cried and she mourned with me.  She didn’t try to fix it or to brush the pain under the carpet, no, she had tears.  She knows God is faithful and that He will show me the way (so she didn’t even try to rationalize it).  And when the tears were over she promised to walk this journey with me and told me that we would do whatever it took, one leg or two.

This happened to me two days after I read this story about Lazarus.  Yes, the story where Jesus was first and foremost a friend, then a miracle worker.  The story that reminded me that he cares for us (1 Peter 5) and that God weeps with us when we are struggling in this fallen world.  The story that sends me, like Mary, to the feet of my friend Jesus.  And when I get up, and experience the compassion of true friendship and of having one mourn with me as I mourn, may I have the same love for my friends as they journey and face difficulties as well.

 

 

Four Promises of 1 Peter 5

Four Promises of 1 Peter 5

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In looking at 1 Peter a few weeks ago I stumbled across some of the great promises in Chapter 5. I think we often think of the bible in terms of what we need to do and what we should do and we don’t often mention the wonderful promises. God cares for us and is so generous that not one thing we do will ever return void. In our own daily lives it is easy to get caught up in individual situations while not stopping to remember the eternal perspective and the end goal: Eternity with Jesus.

 

Here are four promises that I found in 1 Peter 5:

 …you will receive the crown of Glory that will never fade away. V. 4

Service isn’t always easy. When we serve one another, truly serve, we must lay down our own life for our brother. God calls us in the first 3 verses of 1 Peter 5 to watch over his people and set an example before them. He calls us not to do this out of obligation but out of willingness that can only be defined as true love for one another. While this passage is specifically spoken to elders I do encourage each of us to receive the truth and promise that God has given to us here.

Those of you that have served one another in any capacity knows that it often involves getting dirty. Medical care of someone requires a lot of hard work and often blood and body fluids. Feeding a lot of people will involve dirty dishes and cleaning up trash after the hard work of washing and prepping the food which you served. Even serving a friend in moving from one house to another requires a set of old clothes and gloves as you pack up items and the hidden dirt we all have in our homes flies about. How about “clean” service? How many times have you served a friend coffee or tea as a time of sharing only to end up spilling your own emotional dirt and having them gently help you make sense of your feelings in a Godly way? Yes, even clean service requires one laying down your own thoughts and relating in a way that extends grace.

But here, God lets us know that He sees us when we are serving. He sees us getting dirty and laying down our own comfort levels for the benefit of others. When others do not see our sacrifice and service, God does. And he promises that he will provide a crown of Glory that will never fade away. Our crown will never get dirty in heaven, it will never need to be taken off and cleaned, it will never need to be laid aside for fear of getting dirty. God is giving us an eternal perspective for our service in reminding us that all we see here is temporary. This is our chance to be his hands and feet on earth because in heaven we will all be serving in His presence daily. But right now, we can serve in a way that is unique and is simply in faith.

Just yesterday I was feeling the heat of my service at home. I was tired and run down a little bit. I have been busy the last few weeks serving others and serving in my own home. Spring cleaning, yard cleaning, house cleaning, cooking each day to accommodate my husband’s changing work schedule, etc. To top things off there has been an unhappy person that has decided to act rashly and profanely against my husband and I rather than work things out maturely. There has been a lot of added stress on my disabled body the past few weeks and yesterday as I cleaned out both of our vehicles I became angry.

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Taming the Chaos of our backyard bank

“Why can’t my husband pick up after himself,” I thought. “Why must I be the only one that does any of the cleaning around here,” I wrongly believed. But when I remembered that I am to serve and serve eagerly my heart was convicted. I stopped and remembered all the ways that I have been blessed to be home and not required to hurt my body further by working outside the home. How the Lord has blessed me with a home to care for and a husband to serve and love. How we have been supported and surrounded with friends and family that do love us and support us and how I must love the one person that is denouncing us enough to let them go. It changed my mind really quickly as I remembered the grace provided for me. Now, reading this verse again today I am encouraged even further. I don’t serve for glory but it truly is a comfort to know that the Lord sees and the Lord knows.

 

 …he may lift you up in due time (v.6)

Written to the younger people in his audience, Peter encourages the younger members to submit to the elders. He then addresses everyone and says “clothe yourselves in humility towards one another”.

Remembering to keep an eternal perspective on things is becoming more important to me as I age. The things that I once found so impertinent to stand up for or voice my opinion on are not really as critical anymore. All will one day see the Truth (including myself), so a lot of the more petty points of theology or even daily agendas have taken a back burner in my relationships. In the grand scheme of things, if the ocean is but a drop in the palm of God’s hand (Isa 40;12), how much smaller am I? Yes, I truly matter as He has formed me and loved me from the time in my mother’s womb (Ps 139), but at the same time having the bigger picture at the front of my mind is acting in wisdom.

I see a lot of posts lately on Facebook that say something to the effect of “Don’t judge me reason-I-am-who-I-amuntil you have walked in my shoes”. It seems to be a prevailing attitude among people in our culture which carries an undertone of “do not question or hold me accountable for anything that I do because it is none of your business and who are you to say it is right or wrong”. I want to challenge this because I believe that this sort of posting is based in pride. Yes, it is true we do not know what others have gone through but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be humble and encourage them where they are at to be a better person. We should know that Christ died for their sins as He died for our own and want to encourage others to move towards Him. It takes humility to love someone enough to speak the truth in love to them and encourage them towards righteousness when we see destructive behavior. The eternal perspective of humility wants to restore all to Christ and will lay down itself to exhort.

Remembering that all authority is only in its place as God has allowed it to be in power (Romans 13:1, John 19:11) is a helpful reminder for me to keep an eternal perspective this election year. It is easy and tempting to lash out about our government in a time when we are surrounded with negative ad campaigns and brutal bashing of candidates. But when praying about this election we must be in humility and realize that God is in control, not the President of our country. Only God can change things and change hearts. Having an attitude of humility towards our fellow countrymen (republicans and democrats alike!) should be a priority to all Christians.

Author Jack Frost described the word “submit” as “get underneath and push up”. He said when we submit to authorities we are coming underneath of them and pushing up to support them. It is a true act of service and humility to “come under and push up” to support authorities (church, work, ranked) and elders. I think often of aging parents or church members in this regard and being respectful of them. Coming under and pushing up, what does that look like? Visiting our elders, providing healthy meals for them, spending time with them, honoring their life and memories by listening, discussing our lives with them and asking their counsel which aged wisdom provides.

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My grandmother as a young head secretary for the Naval Academy

Even submitting to their authority when we can think of a better way is “coming under and pushing up”. I can remember helping my grandmother around her home before she passed away and being so angry because she would want me to go about certain tasks her way and not the way I knew to do them. She would stand guard over me and watch me cleaning her house and pick apart each thing I did that wasn’t in accordance with her standards. In the end the same results would be there but she had her own means of getting things done which I was to follow. After an argument I realized that for whatever reason she had, she needed it to be done the way she had always done it. It gave her peace, gave her assurance, and gave her the sense of independence she had lost by needing me there in the first place. Getting under and pushing up: doing it her way in grace.

Will those around us enjoy our heavenly perspective of humility? Will they appreciate that we choose not to engage in arguments about small theological differences (Romans 14)? What about the loved one you approach clothed in humility with charity that refuses it? Have you ever spoken the truth in love and humility only to be outright rejected and treated badly? God sees these things and He will make them right for you in the end. He will give you the promotion when you properly submit at work; He will give you wisdom when you submit to your church elders. When we walk in true humility and do not exalt ourselves but rather exalt Jesus we are in line for a blessing, whether here or in heaven.

 

 …he cares for you. V.7

“Cast your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you” (v.7) is also a promise. We do not pour our hearts out to God and tell him our needs only to receive a shrug from him. Each time we give him our worries or our needs we can be assured that God not only hears them but he cares. This is one of the most basic promises that humankind needs. A child that approaches a parent with needs and worries when they are hungry or cold expects their parent to hear and meet the needs without hesitation. We have that same relationship with our heavenly Father. In our earthly relationships we have all been let down and have felt we have had to “take matters into our own hands” but with God we do not have to resort to Plan B. He has and promises to work everything together for our good (Romans 8:28).

In my own life I have always believed that God would provide for me but it has only been recently that I have started to realize that he also cares for me. We do live in a fallen world and bad things do still happen to good people but that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t care.

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The sun breaks through after a rain storm

It doesn’t mean that he won’t fix it or heal us. It does mean that we have to turn to him and give our anxieties to him and give him the reins so he can steer.

The next verse (v.8) reminds us that we are in the midst of a spiritual battle. Just as when we are baptized we are committing an act of war or declaration of which side we stand on (the side of Jesus), in casting our worries to Jesus we are also allowing Christ to win that battle for us. While the war has been won (John 19:30) we are still partakers as the fullness of this becomes manifest on earth. Where there is pride, the Devil will seek a foothold in our lives and hearts and we must resist by staying in the grace and provision of the promises. He cares. Rely on Jesus, trust in Jesus, and adhere to Jesus.

 

 …will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. V.10

Since we are called to his glory and not made for this fallen world (v. 10) we are only temporarily here to endure the hardships of this life. Suffering for a short time as we push through some of the harsh realities of life, sickness, and death on this earth we have the promise of being restored.

Again, keeping our eyes on the eternal perspective of God’s grace we are being made strong, firm, and steadfast each day. All the things we see in our material world will pass, when we serve one another and get dirty we can clean up again, when we submit to our elders and authority in humility we will be exalted. But what will not change in these processes is the refining and strengthening in Christ that will happen. The character and depth that will be gained as we walk each day hand in hand with Christ being restored.

 

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Keeping an eternal perspective and knowing that all that matters is the love of Christ

There are times that I wish my life had been much easier than it has been. I wish I had two legs and a healthy body so that I could have easily pursued an education and career path to provide a better living for my husband and I. There are times I wish that I hadn’t been forced to work as a young person but had been solely supported by my parents while pursuing education. There are times that I wish all of our relationships were tension free and easy. But I know that each of those things ingrained character and appreciation of Jesus in me that I would not have had otherwise. I learned work ethic and patience. I have learned persistence and endurance. The Lord has taught me true love and leaning on Him for provision. I’ve learned true service and am still learning humility!

To resent some of these processes is easy to do. Sure, I sometimes wish that Jesus would come back in a hurry so that my pain would be gone, my sicknesses healed instantly, and peace on earth restored. Yet we have this time to learn and grow as people in true freedom. To choose Jesus in the midst of a chaotic world is the greatest choice we can ever make. And our choice will never return void. His promises are more than enough.

Joust the Mouse

Phobias…yes, even I have a great phobia. Mine seems to come in a tiny and furry little package but make no mistake in the depth of my fear. Yes, I realize that God gave humans authority over animals and yet every time I see one of these four legged little creatures I lose all sense of authority along with self control. I resort to a primitive child and believe if it weren’t for a lack of leg I would surely take off running and knock anyone down in my path – Priests included. Hi, my name is Ashly and I am afraid of mice.

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Why be afraid of something so adorable and small? Why not try to work your way up by going to Disney or handling hamsters? Well, I will tell you, hand me a hamster and see what my subconscious truly believes about “not taking revenge on a brother”. I have tried to overcome this phobia but it doesn’t go away any more than my fear of touching dead things. Yes, I have two fears. If it is dead I will not touch it, much to the dismay of elderly family members that have shoved me nearly head-on into caskets at funeral after funeral over the years. Really, I do NOT need to touch a dead person to get closure any more than I need to lick the toilet bowl to know it is clean. Really. But that is a different story.

Growing up my dad wanted to make sure that I learned a healthy sense of responsibility from a young age. He built a chicken coop and got me some chickens and taught me to feed and take care of them. Now I don’t know whether or not Gladware was invented in the 1980’s but for whatever reason there sure as heck weren’t any sealing Rubbermaid containers for my chicken feed. No, we got a trashcan which had been more than likely picked up alongside of the road with a cracked lid that would never shut right no matter how much time a child stood there fooling around in the dark winter (flashlight tucked under one arm). Of course, my Father didn’t agree with this last statement as he repetitively made clear each night before dinner when he would admonish me for (yet again) leaving the lid off the chicken feed. Yet still, I wonder twenty years later why he just didn’t buy a darn Rubbermaid container! Snap-Click. An unquestioning sense of “mission accomplished” that would have saved him so much trouble. And that’s not the worst of it.

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Apparently in the islands, free-range chickens is something altogether different

You would think by looking at a mouse that it would be a dumb animal, one given to no malicious intents or cravings. An animal so primitive that it would only search out food and upon the luck of finding my recycled trash can/chicken feed container it would simply roll up in there like Templeton the rat in Charlotte’s Web and glutton itself to the point of no return. But I am here to tell you that if you assume this about mice you are wrong. They truly are out to destroy your life.

I would bounce into the chicken house each day after school with my leg on or off or whatever I felt like and then head over to feed my little squawking birds. After a fight with the mama hens that did not want me to gather their eggs and would peck me (and otherwise turn into little demons that encouraged me to forever eat meat) I would turn to the dreaded feed container. By the time I would approach the feeder with my pecked paws I was distracted and battle-worn, simply wishing I could be done and get about my own life of climbing trees or riding ponies, whatever a kid does.   I would take the half-off lid the rest of the way off and look down into the barrel full of golden yellow delight. The smell of the fresh cracked corn and laying mesh would surround my senses with a false sense of safety. After a several minute stare-down of the barrel and seeing no movement I would inadvertently reach my arm down for a scoop of feed. Being a child myself, reaching into a barrel that was not much taller than I required a foot or two leaving the ground and an all-encompassing grovel down into the top for a scoop. And this brings me to the point in the story where I prove to you how deceitful these critters are. Yes, intentionally horrible and preposterous maggots.

Suddenly, with my head and hair and two arms down in the barrel, all light barricaded by my flopping jacket hood, balancing on my stomach right below my ribs, out would jump a four legged critter and start running. Yes, you heard me right, right over my screams and shock! (Reminding myself to close my mouth because hey, that’s an opening!) Sometimes they would burrow back down in the feed and sometimes they would decide that I looked tastier and would attempt to use my arm as a ladder in a food chute! Regardless of their response there is one thing for sure that happened: I was traumatized! It would leave me in various states from running out of the house screaming like a banshee to tripping and falling in chicken crap while flailing about frantically. It was all the same to me. It was awful!

We grew up in a brick and log cabin home built in 1864 and there was more than one occasion that we would open the pantry to see a little fur ball take off towards us running

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The home where I grew up

over my foot (or fake foot) in a mad dash to freedom. Why did they do that? Couldn’t they wait until night time or, I don’t know, the eight hours a day we were in school? No…they knew they had us “by the tail” in fear. They were out to destroy my life!

Fast forward twenty years to when we had just bought our very first home. Oh, so sweet and exciting. My husband’s blood vehemently boils when he hears or finds evidence of a mouse so I felt so confident we were meant to be together forever. He dutifully stocked poison in every loft and corner, nook and cranny. We were safe. Yes. Safe. So one day I went downstairs to the basement to pick up a few items I had just sold online. I circled around the pool table and found myself in a 4×5’ space between the wall and the table, gathering my arms full of antique Pfaltzgraff stoneware items, and a crutch in one arm to use with my fake leg. As I rounded the corner I saw it. Yes, it had me cornered. A mouse, running towards me, falling, and then standing up wobbling as if drunk! It was obviously attempting to come slaughter me. What was I to do? This critter had the ENTIRE basement to go kooky in and it picked the 4 foot space I was in? And someone wants to tell me that these devious monsters aren’t deliberate in their actions?

Well, if you must know, I dropped the Pfaltzgraff. Yes, all of it. Everywhere. And ran the other way around the pool table/over the pool table, who really knows? I was cursing the mouse and thanking God that the basement contained two exits. I ran up the stairs and called my husband, who with no mercy whatsoever told me to go back down and murder the intruder with some sort of shovel or fireplace poker. This would have been fine for me except that other fear I have: dead things. No, no, there would be no murdering done by me. What if it had rabies? I mean clearly something was wrong with it. It seemed that the poison was what was causing such erratic behavior and having one leg I couldn’t really RUN away (in spite of my hop skip and jumps I had just done over the pool table) so what if it would bite me and then I would be poisoned too?! No, no, that just wouldn’t do.

So I did what all counselors tell you to do: “Get to the root of the problem.” Find the start, the beginning, and process it from there. So I called my dad. The man that started this by picking up some cracked-lid, used, brown, trash can to put chicken feed in. The man that

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My Mom, Dad, and myself as a child

thought he was teaching me responsibility and by all means of evidence and spankings received for NOT feeding the chickens it would appear the lesson was half-learned. The man that taught me to fear for my life whenever stumbling upon evidence of “them”. Yes, Dad came to the rescue, and quite cheerfully I might add, he “processed” the unprocessable. (…A wonderful made-up word which could be used again by me in the future.)

So while the fear has only continued to grow from there as I have stumbled across live mice in the shed that try to torture me when I need to mow and dead mice (thanks to all that poison my hubby stuffs) in different places including a cubby-hole and a light fixture (fried mouse, anyone?) I must agree with all counselors. Going back to the root and having that dealt with is vital. Dad’s number will forever maintain the #1 slot on my speed-dial.

The Woven Scarlet Thread of Romance

The Woven Scarlet Thread of Romance

 It is always about this time of the year that everyone around me is posting love poems, pictures, and romantic things. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I’m actually quite the romantic myself and do the same. My husband and I were joking a few weeks ago about the Superbowl and whether it would ever fall on Valentine’s Day. “If so,” my husband stated, “more breakfast and brunch reservations would be scheduled far in advanced by nervous husbands resulting in empty restaurants at dinner time than any Valentine’s day in history.”

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This discussion made me think of my February blog posting and I decided to think out of the box a little bit. What is February really like for me? I know February’s are filled with a lot of romantic hopes which can sometimes fling me (along with every other woman in this country) on an emotional roller coaster, but what else seems to go on as a pattern in my life?

I dug out my journals for the past ten years and began looking for patterns.  It seems that February is a month of three recurring themes for me: Discernment, Refreshment, and Encouragement. For me, February seems to set the stage for my entire year. By February, the only thing that feels loved on me is the hot chocolate that sticks so insistently to my form. I’m an introverted creature and it seems February is when I meditate and review my life in order to make changes. This article will take a look at the three themes I have come across in my February journals and I also have included a few excerpts from these journals for you, dear reader, to glimpse a bit into my soul.

 Old Journal February Excerpt, Words I felt the Holy Spirit Speak to me:
“You have been through what so few have experienced yet are willing to praise me. The pain you have endured and continue to endure has given us a bond that would not otherwise exist. Your suffering has made you so special, so rare! You are so dear to my heart, do not be afraid anymore. You are not alone. You will not be lonely in your suffering. You will never seek me and not find me. There will be none of that in your life, for I know what it is to suffer. You will see me and you will know me. This is the GREAT ROMANCE.”

Discernment:

The number 2 in the bible typically signifies division and separation, right and wrong, good and evil. While I can’t say that it ties in with February being the second month of the year, I can say that according to the past ten years of my journal I do seem to divide and discern my habits and life path during the month of February. The down-time of winter months cause me to take a look at some of the things in life that I may or may not be happy with.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“Lord, there was a baby dedication today and there is no way to express the pain it made me feel in my heart. You gave me a desire for children yet with it no means of fulfilling that desire. What is this Lord? What are you doing that my heart cannot comprehend? As I read in Joshua this week I commit to you Lord, may my heart be humble. I need you and this is not something I can do on my own. Holy Spirit, guide me through this forest! Lord, bring to my mind any shame-based thinking or systems in my life. You have a better language for my heart…teach me!”

There have been times that evaluation in my life has influenced me to pull back and move away from certain relationships or bad habits. Other years I have been forced to look at my hopes that were set on something like childbirth and then allow the Lord to nudge me into an attitude adjustment.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“Lord, you know my heart. I am struggling with some things but I am hanging on to your word. I need the breakthrough that your word promises in that area of my life!”

 Getting a handle on what needs to change in my life and coming up with a plan for that always gives me freedom and clarity in my mind. God is always gracious to provide that kind of peace to me and allows me in my own human and limited perspective to plan out the changes that need to be made to keep me on the path He intends for me. Sure, things February 2014 002 (2)don’t always go as I “plan” them to go but I do enjoy the process of praying through these things.  Dividing and weeding out the unnecessary things in life isn’t an easy thing and isn’t always very fun. Sometimes I am almost ashamed of myself when I look over things and realize just how far I’ve strayed from the “good path” in certain areas of my life. For me, that is what February seems to be about. Being vulnerable and looking at all of those patterns and habits while being humble enough to accept the truth and make changes.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“Lord, I crave your glory. I crave your presence in and on me always. I beg for your glory to be so strong upon me always. I seek your face and your hands, Lord! The past few months you have drawn so close and it is overwhelming the work you are doing in my life. I am not afraid of others or what they think but lately I have doubted this season that is my life right now. Others see my life as a leisurely playground. I feel the work I have been doing with you is where you have me and for a purpose. Yet, there are no marks, no certificates, no paychecks for my work with you. Help me Lord, what do you see? Is it ok to sit at your feet as Mary?”

 

Refreshment:

Refreshment in February?! Yes, sometimes I have to dig deep for it but it is there! Growing up we often took trips to warmer climates in February and it was always such a great time of feeling refreshed with sun and sand surrounding us. Knowing that we were to come home and finish out the bitter cold of the north, we treasured the weeks away March 2014 200 piknikand hoarded every bit of Vitamin D we could manage short of causing skin cancer. As an adult we don’t often manage to get away in February but we did a few years ago. As I sat in the sunshine I was so blessed. I watched the seagulls land on the railing of the ship in front of where I sat munching away on chocolates and fruit, listening to the gentle waves lapping several stories down onto the side of the ship. It was refreshing. It was a break needed from the monotonous repetition of my job; it was a break my husband needed from driving tractor and trailer in the snow. It was romantic and without doubt a gift from God.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“Enjoying the effects of Romans 8 and Hebrews 10. No condemnation for those in Christ! Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom!”

Of course we don’t always end up a thousand miles from home for refreshment and during those years I have found refreshment more locally. Longwood Gardens has become a respite of welcome relief for me. The warmth in the conservatory that assaults every one of my senses with tropical air and flowery scents (so foreign in the winter time) immediately lifts my heart and mind. My creativity level soars when I am in the nature of the conservatory and prayers of thanksgiving flow naturally as they exit my heart in whispers that travel on the planes of aromas.

 Old Journal February Excerpt:
“As I write today I sit at the table watching Rick do some of the ceiling trim painting that I couldn’t reach. Thank you for this amazing man that I call my husband! His love and support as we create a life together reflects your love for me. As our marriage grows so does my understanding of what your love may mean for me.”

This year I have not yet been to Longwood but I have been going to the YMCA gym to continue my journey towards utmost health. Entering the warm building and putting on my swimsuit each day knowing that I will be in the water and free to move in ways I have not experienced as an amputee since before losing my leg brings refreshment. The sunshine filters each day through the floor-to-ceiling windows and as I swim I feel the rays of bliss on my bare skin. Ah, refreshment. What is it about these little moments that bring us to a place of worship?

These times of refreshment are to me kisses from heaven. They are God’s way of reaching down and bonding with me right where I am at. I often spend these times alone because that is when I connect with God and find myself recharged and ready to do His work in the world around me.  It may be the two if us but feeling so loved really does warm every part of me inside!

 

Encouragement

Perhaps it is the refreshment that clears my mind and allows me to empty myself completely to hear from God.  I take notes in my journals of things that I feel He is speaking to me and then will cling to them all year long as if they are small and rare gemstones the ocean coughed up on the shore for me. Words from the Lord are always encouraging. The encouragement from Him points me back to the Word because it motivates me to find the scriptures that I am hearing. The circle is always complete when what I feel and hear the Lord saying is confirmed in scripture.

After my time of dividing and deciding what path I should be on for the year and where my time and identity settles I rest in refreshment, as mentioned. Soon after, often I start to feel the pinch of stress as the transition begins around me in relationships and time constraints. Sacrifice, which is inevitable when we change gears, is not something I cheerfully comply with during this time. The combination of these things typically leaves me frustrated and upset for a few days while I wonder if I have missed God altogether and gone rogue.

But what kind of God would He be if He left me like that? Disoriented and discombobulated, my Lord always finds me right where I am and encourages me. He is not only the stern of the ship (discernment) or the wind in my sails (refreshment) but he is also the horizon I sail towards (encouragement). February 2014 020According to my journals, each year He sends a friend to me during this time. It isn’t always the same person, they often don’t realize they are part of this, and last year it wasn’t a person at all but a bible study I was a part of! Yet in the focus of conversation or study the Lord appears in the stillness and I can almost feel His hands taking my liquid thoughts and fears and giving them mold and structure so that I become confident in what I need to do going forward. Only the Lord’s hands can take our liquid insecurities and solidify them into freeing, truthful foundations that become true peace, and He always does that for me regardless of the time of year.

 Old Journal February Excerpt, Words I felt the Holy Spirit Speak to me:
“My child, I love you and will always care and provide for you. You have been faithful with a little, so now let us grow that into much for the good and blessing of those around you. The doors which I have shut and am shutting allow to remain so. There are better things waiting for you after a short period.   Keep your focus on prayer and on replacing the weak scaffolding in your own mind with my foundation. I am giving you courage. Giving you courage to face reality, courage to dream dreams, courage for exalting me wherever you may go. A holy courage is needed, such that is pure and refined by love. Tread carefully, be mindful, take heed of the treasure being bestowed freely upon you. These too are an investment because love always multiplies. Shine, Smile, Praise, my child!”

 

Wrapping up February

 As I finish looking over the patterns I see in February in my own life I see a single scarlet thread that seems to be woven in and out of the pattern. While I started off in the article stating that February is not a romance month for me I now am forced to look at this thread and wonder. The searching and seeking for God, His answer to my heart and guidance, the sweeping me off my “foot” in a time of refreshment followed by encouragement all points to the Great Romance. So while I have not before looked at February as a month of earth shattering romance in my own life I’m now forced to see that scarlet thread woven so deeply and yet plainly in sight. I mentioned in a previous article “maybe romance is simply not being alone” and one thing that God has made very clear to me is that I am never alone. He is always with me and He is the lover of my soul.  He provides what I cannot even ask for and each year woos my heart again and again.

February is a wonderful, transitional, and delicate month for me. Reflecting on things is impertinent to happiness and true joy.  This makes me wonder what pattern you may find in the great romance of your life this month…